Boobage-Say-What?

©®™ Lt. Commander Richie

Disclaimer:Refrain from trying to kill me. Because, if it isn't painfully clear, this is making fun of 'Sues with big boobs.

... Don't ask.

"How many girls are there at this school?" Will Stronghold turned to Ethan Bennet and Zach Fair, swallowing his lump of Turkey Thursdays impromptu-sandwich before speaking again. "And how many of them have anything to do with us?"

"Dude, like... Half the peeps at this school are chicks." Zach said, loading something that looked like stuffing and gravy into a roll with potatoes and turkey. "An' 'sides Maj and Layla? None of 'em have anything to do with us."

"... Where's Warren?" Ethan piped up, swallowing his food and wiping gravy off his hands with a paper napkin. "He said he would come back after saying something about a monster outside, but a bunch of 'Sues were coming around the corner, and-" The human Popsicle was cut off rather abruptly as a strawberry-blond woman spotted the three Freshmen and squealed rather loudly.

"Taichō!" She screamed, before jumping at the three of them. Will and Ethan ducked under the table, but were surprised when Zach didn't join them. Cautiously, the two peered out from under their lunches to see the woman embracing the tall and gangsta-esque teen in a large bear hug that involved drowning in her massive cleavage. The human glowstick finally managed to push her off of him, gulping in deep breaths of fresh air.

"AIR!" He gasped gleefully, sighing. The woman that had given him the hug looked puzzled, raising an eyebrow at him.

"You're not my 'Shirō-chan, are you?" She asked, and before any of them could answer she laughed and waved, before running back towards the table she had come from. Will tried to get a better look at the people she was sitting back down with, but Layla sat down in front of him and blocked his view.

"So, Zach... Who was she?" The redhead asked, smiling and pointing her fork at the still-gasping blond.

"That's Rangiku. She and her buddies are visiting for the day." A disgruntled Magenta said, sitting down across from Zach and completely blocking his view of the visiting group of students. From what he had seen, there were a bunch of Seniors, a couple Freshmen and one kid that looked like he should be in Elementary still.

"She has the biggest freaking boobs I have ever seen." Will said, his mouth open with his turkey-and-stuffing sandwich halfway to it. Layla promptly slapped him very, very hard.

"You're welcome." She muttered, picking at her salad. An orange-haired girl in a long white dress and holding a tray filled with a very odd assortment of food came up to the table-side, a bit nervous and looking around as though she was trying to find someone.

"Ano..." She began, "do you know where I could find-" The entire group pointed in the direction of the table Rangiku had run towards, and she smiled before running in that direction.

"You know, Warren's usually here by now." Ethan observed, looking at the clock mounted on the wall and covered by a cage to prevent it from being broken or tampered with. As though he had said magic words, one of the cafeteria walls exploded inward. A figure flew through it, impacting several of the ceiling support columns before sticking into the opposite wall. It was Warren, and he looked pretty angry.

"Of all the days..." He muttered, jumping to the floor and shaking plaster dust off his coat. "It's freaking Turkey Thursday! Can't I have a normal day for once?" His answer came in the form of a woman in white jumping through the hole in the wall, long green hair flowing behind her as she landed on the table with all the visiting students. On her head was a ram's skull with two large horns curling down the sides of her face.

"Well, she certainly belongs there." Layla muttered, narrowing her eyes at the woman's impressive chest. "Let Warren take care of the 'Sue. With a hat like that, she should be gone in a few minutes." She turned back to her meal, chomping ruthlessly on a croûton.

"Where is he?" The green-haired woman asked, her hand going to a sword on her back. Suddenly, she found herself aimed at by at least five pairs of hands and a multitude of angry-looking people.

"Who the hell're you talking about? I don't even know who you are." Warren walked up to the table she stood at the end of, raising an eyebrow at the people sitting there that were all preparing attacks.

"... Nel?" One of the guys looked up, stopping the frantic search he was conducting of the contents of his pockets and looking up at the green-haired woman. She promptly screamed in glee and tackled him head-on.

"Destructive Art 33! Blue Fire, Rain Down!" One of the girls at the table called out, a ball of blue fire flying from her hands and impacting the green-haired woman in the back of the head. Warren jumped back in surprise as the woman, Nel, jumped to her feet and whirled around. Of course, it helped a bit that all of the people at the table suddenly jumped out of their bodies and had swords pointed at her.

"What the hell?" The pyrokinetic yelled, jumping backwards in a rather undignified manner. One of the visitors paused, turning to him as people began running out of the cafeteria.

"You can see us?" The white-haired kid asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Why wouldn't I be able to? Everyone else here can see you too, I'll bet!" That seemed to be true, since people all around the room were now slowing their stampede and openly staring at the group of visitors. A redhead with a massive amount of tattoos slapped his forehead before kicking the shin of the boy that Nel had glomptackled.

"You idiot! You gave them all reiatsu poisoning!" He yelled, only to get whacked upside the head by the same girl that had fire the blue fireball from her hand.

"He couldn't give them all reiatsu poisoning, Renji! He's only been here since this morning!" She said, but her angry demeanor was offset by the fact that she was standing on the top of the table and still having trouble reaching his head.

"How long have you been able to see spirits?" The white-haired kid asked, only half of his attention on Warren as he leveled his sword at the green-haired woman that had abandoned menacing the people around her and had taken up boob-hugging the poor guy she had tackled. The teen managed to separate his face from her cleavage, apparently using all his strength to keep her from pulling him back in.

"Guys, she's harmless. Her name's Neliel." Nel finally managed to pull the hapless teen back into her suffocating hug, cooing at him all the while.

"I suppose if she was working for Aizen, she would have already tried to take us all out..." Rangiku trailed off, tapping her chin with one manicured nail. There were murmurs of assent throughout the group, and flashes of light as they climbed back into their bodies and coughed up small green candies. Warren still stood there, blinking in confusion, before shrugging and heading for the lunch line.

"What the hell was that?" Layla asked, dropping her fork into her yogurt and getting ranch dressing everywhere.

"Eloquent." Magenta mocked, and was met with a smack on the arm. Will was still blinking, turkey and stuffing falling from his bun that he had halfway to his mouth.

"That was amazing." He finally said, receiving another slap to the face.

Just how many women ARE there in Bleach with giant boobage? Too many. And the ones without major boobage all have abandonment issues coughSoiFongcough.