|Sunshine and Flowers
Author: Mirror and Image PM
Seiji's wandering and satirical thoughts about himself, Ryo, and their relationship. Shounenai.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Romance - Ryo S. & Sage D. - Chapters: 2 - Words: 5,915 - Reviews: 11 - Favs: 8 - Follows: 1 - Updated: 09-05-06 - Published: 08-18-06 - Status: Complete - id: 3111810
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Sunshine and Flowers
Mirror and ImageHas he noticed? He just looked this way. Yes, he definitely noticed. He must have.
... He hasn't done anything. Maybe he hasn't noticed.
... Nope, he definitely hasn't noticed. Damn; and ah what a relief.
What? Does it surprise you that I, the mighty Date Seiji, might have a conversation with myself in my own head? Let me tell you something, I'm not the only one of this group of crazies that has conversations with himself. You should hear Shin muttering to himself when he's mad. Shuu's great for driving himself into peals of laughter, he cracks himself up. Touma could write entire research journals with the conversations he has with himself. I'm just more frivolous when I'm using my brain. Does that surprise you, too?
He's turned around again. I'm sure he must have noticed by now. But no, he just turns back to chopping vegetables. The water's already come to a boil, and he's added fish. Now comes the vegetables - if he ever stops turning towards me and finishes dicing them - before he adds the ramen.
It was probably stupid of me to come over for dinner. I'm just putting myself through mental anguish. Over what you ask?
Well, you see, I kind of had this kind of big revelation that kind of relates to him. It kind of shocked me and I'm kind of at a loss as to what to do. Yes, the courageous, heroic, let's-make-a-friggin'-plan-before-we-do-anything Seiji doesn't know what to do. I'm just full of surprises, aren't I? It's actually a little disconcerting, because I usually do know what to do. Things tend to fall into neat categories for me: do as a bushido warrior (read: Samurai Trooper), do as family (read: bug Yayoi or obey grandfather), or do as friends (read: Samurai Trooper, yes it's redundant but my social circle is a little small at the moment).
But what the hell do you do as a lover?
Yes, yes, I admit it; I'm in love with him. I'm like a puppy dog, I'm always following him. I think I'm about the only one who will actually do something to protect him - the others are trapped between knowing they should do something, seeing his determination, and being awed at the sheer power he has. Not even Shin ever heard him, blind and desperate, calling to me at the top of his lungs for me to wake up, and then open my eyes and see him unconscious, destitute, on the ground.
I actually thought he was dead.
I never, ever want to feel that way again. So I'm always chasing after him, jumping in front of him, following him to Africa, and doing exactly as he says.
It only just recently dawned on me, however, that the hyperactive protection gland I have as far as he's concerned actually turned into something. It leveled up, evolved, metamorphosed (damn, I've been around Touma too long) into a feeling much, much, much stronger. I love him. I miss him when he's in Tokyo and I'm in Sendai. I get a special fluttering in my heart whenever he's around, I feel just a little bit stronger, a little bit more uncertain, and at the same time a little bit bolder.
Have I made sense yet? Probably not, I make little sense to myself when he's around. I listen to myself and just laugh at how idiotic I sound; it's a miracle no one else has noticed that sometimes the words fall together just a little too fast, or my voice is just a pitch higher. My thoughts are all jumbled together; my head and my heart are at war with each other.
Yes, yes, I'll admit it: I'm shy.
Feelings aren't something that I'm used to showing, at least in the touchy feely "this is how I'm feeling, let's talk about it" way that Shin can do so well. God I envy him that he can do that. Even Touma, Touma, can step back and analyze himself after he's gone a little too far in the jackass department. Not me, nope, everything floods through me, I find some excuse to turn away and leave, and then spend twenty minutes in lotus position to figure out what the hell just happened, and then come up completely clueless. It's taken me this long to figure out I love him, and now that I have, while all of my behaviors make sense, I now know that I'm practically shouting "I love you, Ryo! Kiss me!" in everything that I do, and I have to wonder if he's actually noticed it.
I lean back and cross my arms. He's the good host and won't let me help. It's probably for the best, because I'd find some way to make a fool of myself and then try to find a way to get the hell out of Dodge to avoid the abject humiliation.
It always looks so easy in those books, anime, TV shows, and manga (yes, I once dared to read a shojo manga. Bite me). A "moment" comes up, there's delicious tension, and magically the words form and the love is reciprocated and life goes on happily ever after.
It's all bullshit. And yes, the warrior of Rei - Courtesy - just swore. Shut up, this is my mind.
Oh, sure, the "moment" can come up, but then Byakuen rumbles in, or Shin and Shuu fight over who's cooking, or Touma makes an announcement about feeling a craving for chocolate (I could have killed him for that), or a million other things. Or, if those disasters don't occur, then the moment passes because I take too damn long to scrounge up the courage to even open my mouth.
I have everything going against me: first off that my kanji is Rei; I can tell you in complete honesty that it prevents me from even saying something that isn't perfectly polite and fit into the lines of etiquette. The only person I was ever able to call "kisama" was Anubisu, and that doesn't even count because I later found out that he wasn't the prick I thought he was and I haven't been able to call him it since. Blockade number two I've already mentioned: I'm shy. These are my feelings, and I'm not comfortable with sharing them - no matter how much I want to, too, damn it.
I blow at my bangs, frustrated. Life sucks sometimes.
Blockade number three is Ryo himself. I can't tell if he knows or not; of all of them he seems to read me the best. But if he has noticed he hasn't said anything, and I'm left in this lovely tenuous uncertainty. He's not stupid, though Touma sometimes likes to contradict me on that and give a litany of things Ryo's done as proof. Sure, logically Ryo doesn't stand up to much, but that's because all his intelligence is stuffed into other places. I have never, ever met someone so in tune with the world. Shuu and Touma have both commented that I must be psychic and that Shin is an empath. I won't debate the finer points of that, but it's only for one person at a time. Ryo feels the entire world; he's the "big picture" guy who can set a goal and see through it to the end - not matter what it does to himself in the process. His own body be damned, so long as the rest of us are perfectly fine, he'll happily sacrifice himself for the good of the world.
God, that pisses me off at times. Can't he see - at least once, I'm not picky - that if he went up and died on us that we would be devastated? Hell; that I wouldn't be far behind him, either because I was avenging him or because I was dying of loneliness. I spend more time looking out for him to make sure he doesn't go and get himself killed, it's a miracle I haven't had a heart attack. At this rate I've probably taken ten years off my life being scared for him (since he can't be scared for himself, the jerk!).
He's finally added the poor veggies and is adding the ramen; now it's just a matter of waiting for it to come to a boil. So he goes and sits in front of me. I hope he's not looking for conversation. The way I am right now I'd probably choke on my own tongue. But he just sips his tea. Bless him that he knows me well enough when I don't want to talk.
I wonder if he knows how much I want to be like him. Not charge with reckless abandon, I'd like to think I'm at least a little more considerate than that (either that or Rei won't let me), but to be so wonderfully happy all the time. The world is slowly killing itself, we're starving for virtues that make the world easy for Arago to strike, and yet he sees it all and only smiles. In spite of the environment dying, poverty, degenerates, crime, disease, everything; in spite of all of it he can still turn around and see the good in people. He can see the good in me.
Yes, yes, this is where you abscond me, saying, "but Seiji, you're a Samurai Trooper! You're good just by definition! And you're always to righteous and thoughtful and everything else!"
Well, after fighting in a war to save the world, getting almost killed who know how many times, always feeling desperate and struggling, knowing the source of your armor is Arago himself and wondering if that has any affect on you, having your armor slaughter innocent people and watch helplessly, well, after a while you don't feel so "pure," you don't feel so "good."
Ryo reminds me that yes, I'm still good, even slightly. The more I spend time with him the more I go back to how I was before, and I'll tell you, it feels damn good.
A smile must have crossed my lips, because he turns to me and says, "You're in a good mood. Did something good happen?"
Well, Ryo, that depends of you definition of "good." If you mean good as in the world has turned into sunshine and flowers and everyone is smiling and world peace has been achieved, then no because I still haven't proclaimed my love to you and you haven't told me you love me back. If you mean good as in my heart is always racing when you look me in the eye, then yes, something good just happened. But I'm sure that's not what you mean either.
"I just had a funny thought."
"Really? What was it? Come on, spread the good cheer!"
I have the sudden vision of telling him that I'll happily spread good cheer is he strip down to those ridiculous chibi-tiger boxers that I always saw in his drawer at Nasutei's when I was delegated to putting clothes away and let me tickle his wrists and inner thigh and -- no! no! Bad Seiji, bad! Think of something else!
"I was picturing..." I was picturing you as a Sailor Scout in stiletto heels and me in tight black leather and fishnet stockings whipping you into shape. Danger Will Robinson, danger! This always happens whenever I try to talk to Ryo! My mind entering very dangerous ground! ...and Ryo as a Sailor Scout? What kind of fantasies do I have when I'm not looking?
"Yes?" Ryo prompts. Think quickly Seiji, what's something nice and non-controversial and doesn't involve sexual references?
"I was picturing those chibi-tiger boxers you have."
I'm doomed! Of all the things I had to pick? I can see the fire of Ryo smoldering the remains of my life and the ashes blowing away to the four winds! There's nothing left to live for, woe is me that I can never manage simple conversation with the love of my life! Please, let me die quietly in my own mortification.
But, to all astonishment, Ryo laughs.
"I can't believe you remembered those! I nearly died of embarrassment when Nasutei bought me those!"
The darkness has lifted, there is light, I am being drown back from the depths of despair.
Wait... "Nasutei bought you those?"
"Yeah, just after we defeated Arago the first time. I was sleeping most of the time, and apparently none of you were my size, and nobody knew where I lived yet. So she went out and bought me a few essentials. Would you believe that there were a coordinating socks, towel, and toothbrush? When she showed me I think I turned about as that sweater I always wore."
"Hm," I say. "She's like that, always looking out for us in way that we never even thought of."
"Yeah," Ryo agrees. Then silence, and I swear I'm turning as red as the infamous sweater. The timer goes off, startling me all the way down my spine (though I absolutely refuse to show it; I have to have at least some shred of dignity left) and Ryo gets up to dish out the ramen.
I don't think he realizes how attractive he is. But then, whenever we go out together (ah, nothing like mindless delusion and self deception. I mean when we go out as friends, much as I earnestly want otherwise) all the girls make a beeline straight for me. The others have always told me that I'm handsome, but actually what I am, is pretty, beautiful even. I try so hard not to notice it. There are so many other studs out there that play it up, become womanizers or... whatever else they become. Honestly, I don't know how they do it. I don't like being the center of attention - even in my own mind - and I'd choke on some of the lines they spit out. Besides, I want people to see me for me, just me. But all they see is the beauty and just sort of assume that, of course, I'll jump into bed with them, it's my god given role in life. The girls at least are expected to be fangirls; the boys are just creepy. God, I hope I never look that way in front of Ryo.
"Seiji? You going to eat?"
I look up and see that the bowl is in front of me. Oh, wonderful, have I become so mentally deranged that I no longer take in my surroundings? Me of all people! Those flames I mentioned earlier must be returning.
Ryo leans forward, his eyebrows furrowed in worry. "Seiji, is something on your mind? You've been acting a little weird for the last couple weeks. Have I done something wrong?"
... Have you done something wrong! I can't help it. I burst out laughing. It's a horrible, giggly, snorting laughter that strangely reminds me of Shuu, and I'm certain the tea has probably sputtered through my nose to emphasize the humiliation that I should be feeling. But it's not forthcoming; if anything, I feel oddly lighter. Only Ryo would think that he did something wrong to make me fall in love with him. God, I love him so much.
He's looking at me with the all too familiar look of panic that I've seen on his face before; usually a direct reaction to one of us being in grave danger. Is it really that scary to see me laugh? ...Yeah, it probably is.
"Only you, Ryo," I manage. "Only you."
"Only me what...?" he asks tentatively. I can tell he has no idea what on earth to expect. Frankly, neither do I.
"Only you could be you," I finally manage to say with a straight face. "It's what I love about you."
... Wait, did I just say that out loud?
"Is that what this is all about?" The look of shock is on his face. He's about to run away in terror, I can feel it. "Geez, Seiji, why didn't you tell me sooner?"
"I was wondering if that was what it was. Seiji, how many times do I have to tell you not to hide your feelings from us? From me? You did it in America, you did it Africa, and you did it with Suzunagi. It's not healthy. You could have saved me a world of worry. I thought you were mad at me, that maybe you'd found out that I loved you and found it offensive or something. God knows, you're always freaked out when guys try to hit on you. But noooo, you're too busy freaking yourself out because you love me."
He leans forward. My mind is completely blank. There isn't a single thing floating through it. Well, unless you count those lips that are edging closer. I never noticed that they're perfectly shaped. Then one thought finally floats to the surface.
"You... love me?" It falls out of my mouth. This is the part where my mind screams for... I forget what it's supposed to scream for. "As in... 'love' love?"
His breath tickles against my cheek. When did he get that close?
"Yes, Seiji, I do."
And that was when the world really did become sunshine and flowers.
Thoughts? Comments? I (Image) liked writing this, it was a fun way to dip into Seiji's head. Creative flow is different for different people. Our creativity peaks at night while we're going to sleep. The next morning all the emotions are still there, and it just sort of filters out of the keyboard, at least it did for this fic. I did also do a Ryo "half" of this, would anyone be interested in it?