Commodore James Norrington: Birthday Boy

The Commodore was having a nice, peaceful day. He actually thought himself very fortunate. After all, he hadn’t seen Rabid Rabbit’s Rampage all day. But then, knowing the freaky authoress, that probably was a very dangerous thing. Nevertheless, James decided that whatever it was that she was planning couldn’t be that bad.

He didn’t think that it could get any worse after the incident where she had brought her friend Bitten by a cow and stolen (they used the Jack Sparrow excuse and said they were “borrowing”) not only his hat, but also his coat. Bitten wore the coat and Rabid wore the hat while walking around the fort, ordering his men around. To his surprise, the men actually obeyed those orders! Well, he’d thought that it couldn’t get any worse before that when she had put his underwear on the flagpole of the Dauntless, but obviously it did get worse.

RRR’s excuse for all this torture and insanity was that Port Royal was “such an extremely boring place there was danger of dying” and needed “livening up”. So what the Commodore called “torture and insanity”, RRR called “livening up”.

The Commodore walked happily into his office, looking forward to a Rabid Rabbit’s Rampage-free day, to find several people spring out of nowhere and throw glitter and confetti at him while screaming,

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAMEY!” at the top of their lungs. At the front of the crowd of scary, screaming teenage girls was none other than…her. It was…

“Rabid Rabbit’s Rampage, what do you think you’re doing here?” James asked with a groan.

“Well, throwing you a birthday party, of course! What does it look like, silly?” The girl exclaimed while giving him a tight hug.

“Aahh! Can’t…breath!…let (gasp)…GO!” This she did, but only to introduce him to a few people.

“This is my pal Wolf Pyralis,” She said, gesturing to the other girl. Wolf Pyralis smiled widely and hugged James.

“Call me Wolf,” She said with a wiggle of her eyebrows. “So when is Jack coming?” She asked, drooling at the thought of a certain pirate captain. Rabid rolled her eyes and went on.

“This is The Obsessive Pirate…and you already know Bitten by a cow.” Rabid said, both girls devilishly snickering. James shuddered. Rabid went on introducing her scary friends to Norrington until she was through and shouted, “TIME FOR CAKE AND PRESENTS, EVERYBODY!” There was a great cheer that went through the crowd of fan girls and almost-fan girls at the prospect of sugar. The charged over to the table that was holding the cake. It was a monstrous thing, really, being about twenty layers tall. Rabid handed the helpless Commodore the knife. “It’s your cake, Norry-boy, cut it!” She told him eagerly. James sighed.

“Fine,” He sighed again and cut the first piece of cake. Everyone cheered. The poor man watched powerlessly as the already hyper girls got more and more hyper. Just as he thought he would pass out from the fan girl overload, Rabid put up a hand and the noise immediately stopped.

“It’s now time for presents.” She said calmly. Presents were suddenly produced out of nowhere. “Now the first present is from Bitten by a cow,” Rabid said, handing Norry a package wrapped in bright, sparkly paper. He cautiously unwrapped it and opened the box the object was in. He frowned. RRR squealed with delight.

“A box of peanuts?” Norry said, raising an eyebrow.

“Not just a box of peanuts, a box of burnt peanuts!” Bitten exclaimed, jumping up and down.

“Right…” James muttered.

“THAT ISN”T ALL!” Bitten shouted. James-and everyone else in the room, for that matter-heard a sound that sounded like an elephant. And, indeed, it was an elephant that squeezed into the room. James gaped.

“Wow! A baby-blue elephant!” Rabid exclaimed with a giggle. “NEXT!” She called after everybody was done exclaiming over the elephant. The next present was from Rabid’s pal Anna-everyone oohed and aahed at this one. It was a strawberry scented shampoo, conditioner, and lotion set!

“Lucky!” Someone shouted. Norry rose an eyebrow.

“Right…scented.” The next present was a box of hand-made nautical stuff and a bottle of rum from someone calling herself “Jak” (a.k.a. MissBe). And then there was a wooden sword from Wolf Pyralis.

“He did seem rather disappointed when Jack didn’t have one in Pirates 1.” Wolf said. Then The Obsessive Pirate gave him a pirate eye patch, a pirate hat, a wooden leg, and a cutlass-the last of which Norry actually liked.

They went through the presents from all the people in the room except Rabid Rabbit’s Rampage, but Norry took no notice, he was too busy wondering how his office was holding all the people-not to mention the elephant.

“Jamey-bear, I have a present for you as well, but it’s not here at the moment,” Rabid told him. “But while I’m away, your personal fan girl is here and will…entertain you.” Without another word, the crazy authoress ran off, cackling evilly. Norry watched her go, then looked back at Anna. He gulped.

“H-h-hi Norry,” She said timidly. “Oh, Jamey, you’re so great and I think you’re the best British guy ever and I think you should run for president but then there are no presidents in England are there but if there were you would make a great president-” And so went the “entertainment”.

Rabid came walking back into the party room (it not being recognizable as an office anymore). Norry was still listening to Anna’s praise of him. Nodding in satisfaction, Rabid walked over to Norry. As she was walking over to him, she heard Miss Bitten talking to a Random Navy Dude.

“Hey, do you wanna go somewhere that night?” Random Navy Dude asked.

“Nah, I’m planning on being sick that day,” Bitten replied. Rabid chuckled. Bitten, always finding ways to avoid her psychiatrist!

“Norry, I have your birthday present!” She sang cheerily, arriving in front of James.

Oh, no…she’s going to kill me! Norry thought. He groaned.

“Ok, what is it?” He asked. Rabid brought from behind her back…a parrot. “You stole Cotton’s parrot?” Norry exclaimed. The authoress gave him an indignant look.

“Of course not! This,” She told him, gesturing at the bird. “Is Cotton’s parrot’s brother.” Norry rose an eyebrow.

“Cotton’s parrot’s brother?” He asked slowly. RRR nodded.

“Yes, and I named him Tom-at my brother’s request. Tom knows a trick, too.” She turned to the bird pirched on her shoulder. “Tom, speak.” She told Tom. The parrot squawked, then said, to Jamey’s horror,

“Gillette fetch some irons!” He squawked again. “Gillette fetch some irons! Gillette fetch some irons!” The Commodore put his head in his hands.

“Make it stop! Make it stop!” He yelled, running away. Tom flew after him.

“Just what is going on in here?” A voice said from the door. Rabid squealed.

“Welcome to the party, Governor Swan!” She exclaimed.

Emily sneaked up behind the bewildered Governor and, snickering evilly, plucked his wig right from his head and ran off.

Rabid Rabbit’s Rampage surveyed the activities going on in the room. Her pals Lily and Emily were playing “Swan in the Middle” with Governor Swan’s wig, Anna and Bitten by a cow were performing their “El Estupido Y Loco”, Jamey was being chased around the room by Tom (Tom still saying, “Gillette fetch some irons!”), a Random Navy Dude was trying to climb on the baby-blue elephant John (RRR’s brother, you remember) had dubbed Bill, and the other random guests amused themselves by joining whichever group seemed best. Hmm…this party needs a little zing to it. What to do, what to do…Ah HA! The authoress thought. I’ll use my authoress powers! There was suddenly a “splat!” sound and several people fell into the strangely un-crowded room. The seven people stood and brushed themselves off.

“Where are we?” Angela demanded. Lila scratched her head.

“Uh…we’re in our maker’s head, it looks like.” She replied.

“It doesn’t matter where we are, love, as long as there’s rum!” Jack said, shrugging.

“I second that!” Gibbs agreed. The two went off to seek out the rum, dragging Will with them and leaving the females of the group (Angela, Lila, Anamaria, and Elizabeth) standing there, unsure of what to do. After a few moments they shrugged and went to seek rum as well. Nodding in satisfaction of knowing that there would be a drunk Jack Sparrow in the building very soon, Rabid smiled and went over to the birthday boy. Jamey was now sitting in a chair in a corner of the room with Tom on his shoulder still talking away. The Obsessive Pirate was sitting next to him.

“Seriously, if you put on some heavy eye liner like Jack I’m SURE you’ll get more girls.” She was saying. “Because, in the words of Captain Jack Sparrow: you need to find yourself a girl, mate.” She put her head on James’ shoulder. He was feeling increasingly uneasy. “Or find a better way of wooing said strumpet.” The girl said. Rabid dodged Wolf Pyralis who was chasing a somehow-already-drunk Jack who was chasing “Jak”.

“You stole my name, now you will tango!” Jack was saying. Rabid looked at the trio for a moment, then continued over to James, Tom, and TOP (The Obsessive Pirate). TOP was now poking James relentlessly.

“So how do you like it, Jamey?” Rabid said, flouncing over to him and plopping into a chair next to him. The battered and bruised man raised his head and looked at the psychotic authoress.

“Like it? Rabbit’s Rampage, it’s not even my birthday! Do you really think I want all these people invading my office, throwing glitter and confetti on me the minute I walk in the door , and eating cake that’s more sugar than anything else on pirate-theme paper plates?” He asked. RRR thought for a moment, then said,

“Of course, who wouldn’t!” She said cheerily. Norry snorted.

“Me, apparently.” He mumbled. Rampage patted him on the head soothingly.

“Cheer up, sir, things will be much better after you have some of this.” She said, handing him an absurdly large bottle of rum (the one from Jak). He grabbed it and started chugging it. Rabid giggled. This day would be a memorable day for the Commodore. A day of glitter, confetti, sugar-loaded cake, and best of all: the soon to come rum drinking contests! Hey, maybe the lunatic authoress could manage to get the Governor drunk…

A/N: There you go, peoples! Well, it didn't turn out as well as I hoped it would, but what do you think? This is my first humor fic, so REVIEW! Yeah. BYE BYE! ;D