Have you ever wished that you could just play pretend forever? Like, when you were a little kid, and you had a friend over during a storm. You played fort and made up rhythms until the storm passed over. When you just didn't have to worry, you could forget and imagine a time when nothing could or would ever go wrong. Yeah, I wish it was like that now; I really, wanted to be anywhere other then where I was.

To tell you the truth, I wasn't ready to go back to Japan yet. I really didn't want to go back, my mom didn't care about me and I had no where to go. Sure Kai would always take me in, but it would never really be home. Home. What was a home? Some place where you could seek shelter and live in is really all it is if you think about it.

And then, if I really think about it I have no home. I never had. And if I really think about it, I have no one. Yeah, it's true that Kai has always been there for me, I don't-can'tforget that. But he's not family, he's not what I need. What I need is closure, something that Kai had actually experienced at once point.

Even if it was ages ago he still had it.

For that, a part of me resented him for it, because he was my weakness.

But another part of me, no matter how small, reveled in it. I had a weakness! I, Meco Kimiko, had a weakness. It was laughable. It was so fucking ironic and I love it. Because it showed…that deep down inside…I was human too.

I had always thought that I was strong, because I had hidden inside myself for so long. I had actually forgotten what it felt like to be human. But truth was, I wasn't strong, I'm not strong I never had been. Kai was the real one who was strong. And I had taken all the credit.

I never wanted it to be this way; I never wanted to hurt him like this. But sometimes, people don't have a choice in what they say or do. Sometimes hurting people is for the better. Even if it breaks you in the process. But the thought of actually hurting Kai, hurt me more than it could ever hurt him.

My eyes quickly glance over to the sleeping teen beside me, he looked so peaceful. Calm and unguarded. Kind of cute like. I looked back to my scared arms looking at him hurt more than these scars, to preoccupy myself I had cut. Yes, as foolish as it may sound it's what I do. So what?

I'm a cutter.

I carved a window into my arm, watching the blood flow down my wrist in a perfect row of calmness. I scratched and carved the little pin into my flesh until it no longer hurt. And when I wake up the next morning, blood will cover my sheets and Kai will hate me, yell at me. And leave me.

A tear slid down my cheek, solitude wasn't always the best remedy. Numbness sometimes didn't even work. But it was the only thing I knew. I wasn't even sure why I was hurting. But I knew that I was hurting Kai, by being weak. By being a stupid, foolish little girl who always needs protecting.

That wasn't fair to him.

If I died would people shed tears for me...?

Would they even care?

Those thoughts screamed in my mind and I wasn't really expecting any answer in return, so it surprised me not to mention creped me out when I heard a rather sinister voice answer back.

'No one will care; you're just a stupid girl, foolish and native. No one loves you'

'Just off yourself and be done with it'

Those words hurt and I didn't expect them. They cut me to the core worse than any knife could do. You want to know why? Because…

My father had said them to me.

Knowing my father, my own flesh and blood resented me like that, and made me feel useless. Hurt. It hurt more than anything and I can't stand it, because I did nothing wrong! It's not my fault my mother left him, he left us. He hurt my mother, he hurt Himoto, and he hurt me.

As much as I know I shouldn't…I don't feel sorry.

I don't feel anything.

And it was all because of that thing. (I would hardly call him a father)

"W-Why doesn't he love me?"

I whimper as I heard that unbearably crack in my voice, I hate that! I can never be strong, always weak.

'Because you are weak, you're nothing'

It wasn't true, Kai loves me.

'He's only using you, he never really loved you'

That wasn't true! Kai does love me, right? He loved me. With blurred vision I looked back to my arms, so much blood. Then, I looked to the pin in my right hand it looked dull clearly not sharp enough to do any quick damage.

'Come on now, you'll never get another chance like this again; you're life is over even your own father hates you'

'Because it is your fault that they hate you, you cause everyone to hate you'

Shaking my head violently I cry clutching the blanket and pin in my hand until I feel the harsh, sharp pain in my hand. I look down and blink stupidly as I watched the blood form slowly in the palm of my hand.

"'Im?"

A groggy voice whispered, I jump and look over to see Kai. I force a sad smile to him he glared slightly at my hand. As if it was tainted in shit. I look away down at the ground and cried.

"What are you doing?"

He asked as he touched my shoulder I flinch away, as if he had hurt me. He sighed and I felt his crimson orbs boring down into my soul. I could tell he wasn't mad at me, but worried and scared.

"Kim…tell me what's wro-,"

Suddenly, he grabbed my arm looking down at the scars with a pale and sad face. I saw his eyes water and a pang of guilt swept through me, I whimper and clutched the blanket harder, why am I so stupid? Why do I always have to hurt the ones who are close to me?

I don't want to be this way anymore!

"Why did you-Kim tell me why you- what drove you to cut yourself?"

"Because I'm useless…"

It sounded like a helpless cry from some kind of useless and kicked puppy. Now, doesn't that describe me perfectly? I started to cry, faster than I could stop the tears from flowing. This is why I should just off myself and be done with!

"You're not useless, Kim…"

'Liar'

I shook my head violently as I cried harder, this can't be happening! I don't want that voice talking, bitter curses anymore! I clung to Kai even though I knew I shouldn't in this state. To my surprise he held me close, rocking me as if I were some scared little child. Which in a way I was.

"It'll be okay"

"How?"

"Try…somehow-smile"

He whispered into my hair as I let the tears fall silently and here I thought I had no tears left to shed. Sometimes I think of being an empty vessel, that way I can't hurt anyone and no one can hurt me. But then, I think of how I wouldn't be able to feel Kai. Or his love. That feeling would be worse than anything.

"Only if you promise try too…"

I glance up at him holding him close, and I smiled. I smiled a real smile, and I forgot what it felt like. To be happy. It's the best feeling in the world.

"I promise, for you."

He nuzzled me softly holding me close in his arms in a firm secure embrace. I close my eyes and the voice is gone. But I still don't believe that everything will be okay. Maybe someday. But not now.

And I wanna believe you;

When you tell me that I'll be okay,

Yeah, I try to believe you…

But I don't…

Right, so here's the new chapter all updated and what not. I really think it turned out well. I like it. And its fun torturing Kimiko XD any ideas for what could happen in the next chapter? That or what you would like to see?