Title:Of Embarrassing Needs
Chapter: Oneshot
Type: Fanfiction
Fandom: Legal Drug/X (by CLAMP)
Character(s): Rikuo, Kazahaya, Sorata, Arashi
Genre: Crack, Humor
Word Count: 1,120
Notes: For samithecreator. I know Legal Drug and X don’t take place in the same world, but in the spirit of recent CLAMP crossovers, pretend there are alternate versions of Sorata and Arashi running around.
Summary: There was a strange boy in the store today.

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Of Embarrassing Needs

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There was a strange boy in the store today. Kazahaya tilted his head sideways, as if observing him from a different angle would unlock the mystery. He was abrasive-looking, really. Loose-fitting clothes and backwards cap. Obnoxious yellow and red. The dastardly color of ketchup and mustard that Rikuo smothered on his ballpark hot dogs that he always warmed up in the microwave so much they split at the sides. He scrunched up his nose. Disgusting food, that.

The boy was sweating profusely, making wildly expressive gestures of terror and embarrassment as he stood in front of the shelf. For someone so red and flustered, he sure was drawing attention to himself. His exaggerated tiptoeing as he paced back and forth, too, was rather counterproductive.

Kazahaya’s internal musing was rudely interrupted by the knocking of something hard and bony against the side of his skull. Elbow.

“Bastard,” he hissed, baring his teeth at the sight of amused jade eyes.

Rikuo chuckled and smiled evilly. His gaze shifted to the boy, eyebrows quirking at some inner mirth that only he himself was privy to.

“What’s with that guy anyway?” Kazahaya asked, following his gaze.

“Oh,” Rikuo said lightly, leaning his weight on the counter. “He’s just buying something that someone like you will never need.”

Kazahaya wormed his way in between Rikuo and the counter and stuck his face out obnoxiously – angrily.

“What do you mean something someone like someone like me will never – !”

There was a light rustling and a nervous slap of something on the counter.

“Customer for you,” Rikuo whispered, breath brushing his ear hotly.

Kazahaya straightened awkwardly and spun around.

“Welcome to Green Drugstore. How may I help you?” It was automatic by now, the phrase.

The flamboyant boy winced and looked suspiciously from side to side, before gesturing to the objects on the counter. Kazahaya followed his movements down to stare at the products and promptly turned to color of a lobster. Behind him, Rikuo was snickering. The jerk.

Kazahaya didn’t meet the customer’s eyes as he rung up the purchases and slipped them in a solid, brown paper bag.

“Oh! Oh!” the boy yelped suddenly, fidgeting. He flashed a wide, blinding grin. “Bathroom?” he asked hopefully, eyes watering as he bounced uncomfortably.

Kazahaya pointed. The boy ran without a second thought, leaving his purchase innocently on the counter.

“Better watch that for him,” Rikuo whispered wickedly, grabbing a restock box and lugging it to the other end of the store. “Don’t steal it, though. It’d be such a waste.”

Kazahaya fumed, puffing out his cheeks.

“Asshole!”

The bells on the door chimed, and Kazahaya quickly reeled in his emotions, flashing what he hoped was a disarming smile.

“Welcome to Green Drugstore! How may we help you?”

He heard Rikuo scoff at the “we” from his position across the store. Kazahaya’s eye twitched.

The girl that had just entered scowled darkly at him, and for a moment, he wondered what he had done to offend her. A second later, he guessed that the expression wasn’t directed at him, as she ducked her head and began stalking down the aisles, hands fisted against her schoolgirl skirt. Her long dark hair swished back and forth as she hastened to find whatever it was she was looking for. The scowl remained firmly in place the whole time. She was mad at the world, evidently.

Kazahaya drummed his fingers against the counter, returning his gaze to one brown paper sack. Rikuo’s words echoed endlessly in his head, and he growled. Jerk, jerk, jerk. The nerve he had – to imply that Kazahaya was naïve, which he was, but that wasn’t really the point. He had been rude about it, and hey – who was he to assume that Kazahaya would never have a sex life?

“Excuse me.”

He snapped his head up, cursing himself for getting distracted again.

“Yes?” he prompted pleasantly.

“Where,” she began unsteadily, cheeks heating up. “Where…are the…the…” The latter part of her sentence was a garbled mess of muttering.

“Pardon?” he said curiously. “I didn’t hear you.”

The glare really was directed at him this time.

“I said – !”

“He knows nothing of adult things,” Rikuo broke in, his nearness causing Kazahaya to jump a few feet into the air. “Follow me,” he said to the girl, leading her towards a familiar set of shelves.

A few moments later, the girl returned, and Rikuo, perhaps sensing that Kazahaya’s embarrassment would further inconvenience the girl, muscled his way in, practically shoving Kazahaya back as he took over the register. Kazahaya bristled but didn’t say anything. He did, however, pinch the skin of Rikuo’s back in retaliation. The slight shudder in the older boy’s frame made him grin victoriously. The feeling was short lived, however, as a startled cry came from the direction of the bathroom.”

“BABE!” Loud and clear – shocked – excited – horrified.

The girl’s reaction was instantaneous. She knocked her purchase off the counter, but it was too late. The boy had seen, and his eyes widened – the whites huge and bulging.

“You – you – !” he was stuttering, waving his arms in confusion.

The girl was staggering backwards, slowly inching towards the door. Kazahaya hoped he never had the pleasure of experiencing a flaming blush as bad as hers. She looked burned, the poor thing. His sympathy was interrupted, however, as he felt Rikuo’s back muscles spasm under his fingertips. The stupid, stupid jerk. He was laughing at them. Such an embarrassing predicament, and he was laughing! Kazahaya hoped a lot of bad karma was being stacked up against him.

“You – you do love me!” the boy yelled at the top of his lungs.

The spell was broken. The color drained from the girl’s face, and she fled, slamming the door shut on her way out. The boy was dumbstruck.

“Wa – wait!” he screamed, bolting after her. His hat flew off as he threw open the door. The bells jangled noisily.

After they left, Rikuo laughed out loud. A vindictive, wicked sound. Kazahaya pinched him again.

“Ow,” Rikuo deadpanned, laughter ceasing. “You have nails like a cat.”

Kazahaya bristled. “I hate you.”

“Where are you going?” Rikuo asked as Kazahaya stalked over to the door.

“Where else?” he replied, picking up the boy’s bright red hat. “To return this. Unlike some people, I have a conscience!”

“Too bad,” Rikuo said lowly, reaching into the brown paper sack that had been left on the counter. “A goody-goody with a conscience can’t appreciate this...yet.” Smirking, he pulled out a box of condoms.

Kazahaya watched in horror as he winked and pocketed them, knowing that the perverted smirk of his hid more than he would ever want to know.

END.

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