So you say you want to know what goes on inside Jack Sparrow's head. Sometimes, anything and everything crosses beneath his dark mane of hair. And on other occasions, there is but one thought inside, whether it be of a tall bottle of rum or a wish for brisk wind to fill his ship's sails. The singularity only happens every once in a while, usually, he is planning complex ideas that can take him days to work to perfection. I can tell you this first hand; after all, I do live in that head. Although, I might have lied about that bit with the complex plans.

Honestly, I don't plan much of anything previous to the event; I really just count on things falling into place as they may. Sometimes, I will get a spectacular idea, but it often comes to me when I'm in the middle of some kind of madness. Those are usually the best strategies because they have a good deal of inspiration behind them. If the inspiration just happens to be holding a spear and threatening to eat me, then so be it. Oh, and, by the way, it's Captain Jack Sparrow. Only a few people can get away with calling me less than that. Captain is fine and I'll even let Sparrow slip past, but due to the innate and inexplicable nature of our jolly world, we have a need to be shown respect when it is due to us. I have a ship and it is MINE, thus I am CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow. I rule the deck and everything below it… well, and above it, but that's really not the point. I am a Captain and I am to be referred to as such.

Not that that has a whole lot to do with what goes on inside my head, but it is an important topic to cover. It probably comes in second to rum. Actually, it really comes in just before rum, but only just slightly. Rum is a very important part of any pirate voyage, thus is only slightly less important than the Captain issue. And if you're going to carry rum on board, do NOT let any tarts named Elizabeth onto your ship. They tend to change their last names, so it's best just to avoid any kind of Elizabeth if you hope to keep your rum where it belongs, in the hold or your stomach. In fact, it might be best if you don't let any kind of tart on board, purely because they cause all kinds of trouble and just generally tend to be a bad omen for your voyage. Remember, rum is almost as important as calling your Captain by his title, but is defiantly more important than any other pirating rule or code and tarts are bad news. Captain first, rum second (but no Elizabeth's), and then anything else that comes up… like mutiny.

Now, as far as mutiny is concerned, it's not good. Mutiny is just all around a painful and difficult idea and really should be avoided. No mutiny… unless ABSOLUTELY necessary… sometimes, there's just no getting around it. If you have to get rid of a first mate or some right-hand man, then mutiny might be alright, but you cannot mutiny against your Captain. And if you do, it is required that you leave him with his gun, and one bullet so that, when he comes back, he can shoot you with it. So mutiny has specific rules that have to be followed concerning etiquette and proper mutiny techniques. You cannot tie up your mutinied crew member if you expect him to swim and it's really best not to dump him in shark infested water. If you're going to mutiny, you have to do it right and make him suffer, so he at least has some chance to figure things out and come back without your knowledge. No, wait… scratch that, just don't mutiny… and go look up the definition of mutiny, because I'm fairly certain it only applies against Captains.

While we're at the business of cutting out long standing pirate rules, no more Parle. While occasionally useful, especially when you're mutinied off your own boat (who ever came up with mutiny needs to find out first hand what that's like), Parle just tends to cause all kinds of problems in the long run. It lets saucy tarts onto your boat that turn things upside down and destroy your rum and it can also bring all kind of unsavory sorts on board that you normally wouldn't want a league and a half from your beautiful ship. Why the French thought we needed such a flawed rule is far beyond me, so it really would be best to kill that one… mostly, for the sake of the rum.

I'm off track. This was originally about the functionality of Captain Jack Sparrow's brain, but somehow I've lost sight of that. I am distracted easily… well, I'm really not, but only when there are distracting things around. Commodore's that want to 'hang me by the noose until dead' tend to make me lose track of my original purpose. Oh, and haughty blacksmiths that hate you because you're a pirate, but really want to join your crew and are incredibly envious of your station as a pirate, but would never admit it. Those tend to be extremely difficult to deal with, mostly because of their wishy-washy nature and their tendency to become noble at a moment's notice and ruin the well laid out plan that you'd spent the past few minutes devising. They usually have the same name as their fathers, who your crew will most defiantly have thrown to Davy Jones some years ago, and are always inordinately good at sword fighting.

Avoid the blacksmith at all costs if you want anything to go right on your pirate ship, but if you're looking for a good bout of humor, then you might want to consider dragging him along for the ride. Fortunately, the blacksmith won't bother your rum like the saucy tart will, so he's not quite as much trouble. Rum first, then the plan you devised in the past few minutes. The blacksmith will only disrupt the latter. No, wait, Captains first, THEN rum, then your devious plan that probably won't work anyway and really never affects the final outcome of whatever you've gotten yourself into. THAT'S the order and will always be the order, but rum may move up in rank at any point in which the Captain thing is no longer important. If you don't have a ship, then rum is defiantly first. Unless you're not a pirate, then you might not appreciate rum like we do and really wouldn't understand the terrible pain it causes when you have to watch Elizabeths ruin your rum or what a horrendous knot your chest develops when you realize that her massive signal fire is fueled by your drink. That's why you leave the saucy tarts where you find them, no matter how sweet or docile they may seem.

When this became an informational guide about pirating, I'm not sure, but you really should keep these things in mind for your own good and the good of whatever pirate ship you end up manning. If you stock your hold with enough rum, you should never have a problem with mutiny, and as long as you keep any kind of tart away from your rum, things should stay that way. A boat, minus rum, equals mutiny, just remember that. Not that that was the problem I had during the mutiny on me, but, looking back on it, I really should have suggested that we break the rum out of the hold and have a party. It might have changed their minds about running off after cursed gold… government armadas should carry more rum, maybe they would be such a pain in the…

Right, about the way I think… I may not have a totally logical brain pattern, but I can usually count on the quick side of my mind to get me out of fix. Although, sometimes, I ask that side for help and it won't speak up. I always hate that. Like when you're stuck in a jail cell, scheduled to be executed, and the only thing you can do is offer some dog with keys a bone. Stupid dog never was going to go anywhere, but the only thing you could do was try. I mean, why would they give the dog the keys if it gave in to every bribe the prisoners offered? They'd never keep anyone in their jail. Then again, why did they give the keys to a dog to begin with? He's really not a very good guard, falling asleep on the job and all that… A dog is not a guard. Never make a dog a guard for any of your jails. I know there aren't many cells on a ship, if there are any at all, but don't appoint a dog to watch them, it just isn't right.

Alright, so maybe I don't know what goes on inside my own head… or at least I can't explain it very well… I live a simple life; my dearest love is the ocean and my closest companion is the Black Pearl. I'd let Davy Jones have my soul before I gave up either. Rum is like the finest wine and the treasures of the world are there for my taking. I am Captain Jack Sparrow, free as the wind and the birds in the sky. Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me.