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Chapter Two
Finding the culprit

The guests and potential culprits were all sitting down in the living-room of Cupid’s mansion. Each of them sent menacing stares to at least another one of the guests. Private Investigator Turner walked in circles in the middle of the room, thinking.

He gave a quick side peek at Wanda, still unconscious and resting peacefully on the same sofa she was found. Cosmo insisted on avoiding moving her from that spot, so they brought the entire sofa from the lobby. Next to the victim, Cosmo took care of her. Sort of, since although he had a serious attitude, his tongue stuck out and his sight focused on his hands, which were currently tangled together after a bad game of cat’s cradle.

Timmy sighed. At least he wasn’t playing with finger-traps.

“Very well,” said Timmy, stopping and turning to the guests, “in order to find out the culprit I will need your testimonies. You will have to tell us where you have been and what were you doing in the gap of time since we were dismissed by Cupid until the moment we gathered for dinner. Well?”

The suspects stared at each other, except for Cosmo, who only had eyes and brain for his tangled hands. Maybe just eyes, Timmy mentally amended.

“Ahem,” said the Tooth Fairy, “I would like to talk first.” Timmy nodded, so she began: “As I said, I went to the bathroom to make sure Cupid had enough floss. I got a bit carried away and also examined his toothpaste and mouthwash. While I was in the bathroom three other persons walked in, but none of them actually used the bathroom.”

“Interesting,” said Timmy. “Who were those Fairies?”

“Well, first was Wanda herself. We exchanged a quick greeting and she claimed she was looking for the library. The second one was Cosmo; he actually asked for Wanda and so I told him she was looking for the library. He seemed… happy that she wasn’t around.”

Timmy’s eyes slowly turned toward Cosmo, still lost in his own world of fantasy.

“The third Fairy,” the Tooth Fairy continued, “was Jorgen. He claimed he was looking for Anti-Cosmo because he had slipped away. I told him I had no idea where could he be and then Jorgen left at once.”

Jorgen, his muscular arms folded over his muscular chest, gave a muscular nod.

Timmy also nodded. “Right. That sounds—”

“False,” smiled Anti-Cosmo.

“How dare you doubt my beloved Tooth Fairy?” snapped Jorgen, sending daggers at Anti-Cosmo.

“Jorgen, Jorgen!” said Timmy, waving arms. “He’s in his rights, if he so wishes. Once he tells us his version of the facts we shall know—”

“All right, I understand!” snapped Jorgen. “Let’s see what you have to say, Anti-Dork…”

“Wha?” said Cosmo, returning from wherever his mind had drifted to and raising his head to pay attention.

“Very well…” Anti-Cosmo sipped from his bottomless cup of tea and began his narration. “I had announced I was going to be looking for the porcelain because, really, you can’t possibly have a decent cup of tea without a decent cup itself. Jorgen followed me all the time, of course; but things changed once I found what I was looking for.

“The porcelain cupboard!” he almost moaned. “Cupid’s best porcelain cups were all stored in one cabinet, it was almost like a visit to a museum—which I never have had, incidentally—so I just stood there, taking in the marvelous view. If I ever plotted on slipping between Jorgen’s paws, I promise, the sight of those gleaming teacups, small dishes and, oh, the spotless teapot” and here Anti-Cosmo removed his monocle to dry a lone teardrop, “made me stay in place.”

“Well, then, what’s your point?” asked Timmy.

“My point is, I never left the spot. But Jorgen did.”

“What!” barked Jorgen.

“Oh, certainly,” Anti-Cosmo sipped more tea, probably to hide half of his huge grin. “Did you perhaps think I wasn’t paying attention to you as well? My, what a grave mistake, sir. When you noticed I was so, ahem, focused on the porcelain, you just tip-toed away and left the room. Clearly you set one of those Security Wishes upon the door after you were out. You did not want me to leave, but, then again, why would you be looking for me, if you always knew where I was?”

“That’s not true!” said Jorgen, though his voice had became slightly girlish. “I mean… He ran away!”

Timmy scowled at Jorgen. He wasn’t making such a good attempt at hiding something.

“Jorgen, what if you tell us what you did in that gap of time?” asked Timmy.

Jorgen would have refused to give any explanation to any puny little kid, but this particular puny little kid had accidentally cast a Security Wish all over the mansion, and so he would have to cooperate until the whole mystery was over.

“All right…” he said, “this is what happened:

“I was indeed watching over Anti-Cosmo, but now that I knew the Tooth Fairy had been looking for me I just wanted to… go and apologize,” he snarled, probably unused to the word ‘apologize’ used by himself. “There, see? I just left Anti-Cosmo while I looked for the Tooth Fairy.”

“That doesn’t make sense, big fellow,” grinned Anti-Cosmo. “Your beloved Tooth Fairy said you indeed appeared in the bathroom, but I don’t recall any apologies.”

“Hah! I said I wanted to apologize. I didn’t say it was easy for me to actually do it!” complained Jorgen, his forehead a small curtain of bead drops.

“Oh, yes?” smiled Wandissimo. “And why don’t you tell us why you were looking for me, señor?”

They all stared at him.

“Looking for you?” asked Timmy, confused. “Why would he—”

“Jealousy, mi amigo!” said Wandissimo. “Ever since he knew I came with the Tooth Fairy he sent dangerous glares at el pobre de mí!” he said, with a dramatic pose with his eyes closed and the back of his right hand on his forehead. The left tore a portion of his shirt from over his heart, which was instantly replaced.

“Wandissimo, I would like to remind you this is not an investigation to know if Jorgen was jealous of you, but to discover who bonked Wanda on the head,” said Timmy.

“Oh, but it does matter, señor!” said Wandissimo. “It does matter, because… you see… It could have happened to me.”

“What?” said many of the people in the room.

Wandissimo sent a side-look at Jorgen. “Oh, but I do not know if I should really tell. Jorgen wouldn’t like that, eh?”

They stared at Jorgen. He had his eyes half-closed at Wandissimo and his teeth fused together with rage. The missing tooth was like a window in a white granite wall.

“Justice is blind,” Timmy shrugged. “I need to hear it all.”

“Muy bien, señor,” said Wandissimo. “It all started when…

“… when I was admiring my beautiful self on that large mirror, right in this same room.” They all noticed the big mirror hanging from one of the walls. “Well, then, I was appreciating my amazing beauty when I saw Wanda’s shadow on the reflection. I turned to greet her, but she had already left the room. I could have gone after her, I admit it,” and here Cosmo said ‘Hey!’, “but I didn’t. I preferred to keep my eyes on myself. Then, in the reflection, I saw Wanda’s shadow again. I could recognize her hair. Oddly she was heading the same direction again, but when I turned I noticed I wasn’t alone. Isn’t that right, Jorgen?”

They all stared at Jorgen, who was slightly pale.

“Just a friendly chat, nothing else,” he said in low voice.

“Which contained the words ‘You leave the Tooth Fairy alone, or you shall taste these knuckles’,” smiled Wandissimo.

“Jorgen!” snapped the Tooth Fairy. Jorgen startled at her voice and actually cringed a little.

“I told him that, if the Tooth Fairy had chosen me instead of him, then it wasn’t really my problem,” said Wandissimo. “Oh, el error!” he added, again with great drama. “That ignited the fuse of wrath in our beloved and admired Jorgen Von Strangle! I saw him produce his wand, possibly to bonk me on the head. So I managed a quick escape and went absent-mindedly down the hall I had seen Wanda’s shadow go. I knew Jorgen was after me, so I hid in a room at random. He went past me and, when I turned to leave, I heard a girly scream and a loud bonking noise!”

They all stared at Jorgen, who seemed sick.

“I didn’t want to stay. Oh, sí, that was my mistake,” said Wandissimo, “but I just returned to the living-room. Moments later, the dinner bell rang.”

“Jorgen!” said Timmy, Cosmo and the Tooth Fairy. “Is that true?” said the latter, immediately.

“Nope,” said Jorgen. It was the lamest lie to come from his lips.

“Jorgen…” the Tooth Fairy managed such a sour tone it made everyone else’s lips contract.

Suddenly, Jorgen Von Strangle burst into tears.

“It was all dark!” he cried. “I was jealous of Wandissimo for having been selected by my beloved Tooth Fairy, so I left Anti-Cosmo alone while I looked for him! Then I chased him wanting to give him a good bonk on the head, and when I thought I had found him… I swung my wand and bonked someone on the head!”

“And that wasn’t me,” said Wandissimo.

“Then I could see, on the very dim light, the shape of poor little Wanda laying on the floor!” Jorgen wept in the same way as he always did things: strongly. “I got scared and returned to the dining-room, where Anti-Cosmo was! I left Wanda in that room, alone and injured!”

“Why, you!” Cosmo snapped. He flew right at Jorgen and punched his face. “Ouch!” he complained.

“Sorry, little being,” said Jorgen, sobbing. “My face is hard as steel.”

“I can see that,” said Cosmo, rubbing his aching knuckles and setting his fingers. “Feel that, too.”

Timmy sighed. “I’m sorry, Jorgen, but Justice is equal to everyone. I declare you the culprit of—”

“Hey, wait!” said the Tooth Fairy all of a sudden. “Jorgen, did you say you left Wanda in that room?”

“Yes…” Jorgen said. He was holding a little pink silk tissue against his eyes.

“Then how could she appear in the lobby?” wondered the Tooth Fairy. “Someone must have moved her.”

Timmy hadn’t thought on that. “But who?” he asked. “I mean, if the one who moved Wanda didn’t actually bonk her, why wouldn’t he or she say so?”

“Aaaah, that is some mystery!” said Cosmo all of a sudden, smiling.

They all turned to him. Jorgen scowled.

“Hey, hold it!” he said, suddenly serious. “You haven’t told us what you did in the gap of time!”

“Oh! Ah! D-Didn’t I!” said Cosmo. He was starting to sweat. “What’s the problem? We just solved the case – you bonked her, right?”

Timmy definitely found a tone of disconcerting guilt in his Godfather’s voice.

“Cosmo,” he said, “didn’t you mention to Wanda, just before the second guests came in, that one day she would be bonked on the head?”

“What! You are suspecting me!” gasped Cosmo.

“Well, you had a small argument, and…”

“I didn’t do it!” said Cosmo. “I didn’t bring Wanda from that far room full of unpacked boxes to the sofa in the lobby!”

Wandissimo grinned. “It’s funny how you knew of the room before anybody said anything?”

“Wha! I! Uhm! Ah!”

“Cosmo!” said Timmy, terrified. “You didn’t do it! Not you!”

“I demand a lawyer!” cried Cosmo.

“I wish you’d tell us the truth!” said Timmy.

“Aw, yuk…” Cosmo raised his wand, closed his eyes tightly, and let the magic hit him with a poof that sounded like VERITASERUM. His eyes opened and were blank, surely in trance.

“Very well,” said Timmy, slowly, almost regretting what he was about to ask: “Did you bring Wanda to the sofa?”

And Cosmo replied: “Yes. I did.”

“No!” said Timmy.

“But I didn’t bonk her on the head,” said Cosmo, still in trance. “I was looking for her and I found her laying on the floor. I didn’t want people to find me with her in that state because of the previous argument, so I panicked and just brought her to the lobby.”

“Oh! But of course, you didn’t bonk her,” said Timmy. “Jorgen did. He already admitted it…”

But Jorgen was suddenly serious. “Wait a minute! Cosmo, you mentioned a room with unpacked boxes?” Cosmo nodded. “How is that possible? I bonked Wanda in a different room! There were no unpacked boxes, just old furniture!”

“What the…?” asked Timmy. “This is getting really confusing…”

“Uhmmm,” said Wandissimo. “Jorgen bonks Wanda on the head in one room. Cosmo brings Wanda to the lobby from a different room. Bizarro”.

“It’s insane! There’s only one Wanda!” said Timmy, and then realized his words. He turned immediately to Anti-Cosmo, who grinned innocently.

“Tea?” he offered. A true act of desperation.

“Anti-Cosmo, I really doubt you and Anti-Wanda could be separated for so long,” Timmy said. “Where is she?”

“Oh! She’s in the Anti-Fairy prison, of course! Far, far away…”

The flowerpot on the little table behind of him sneezed.

“Bless you, my silly sweetie,” said Anti-Cosmo. “Drat…” he added almost immediately.

“Heeeey!” said Jorgen, approaching the flowerpot and taking it in a single powerful grip. “What is this?” he said, turning the flowerpot upside-down and shaking it violently. A blue body fell to the floor.

“Aw, don’t pay attention to the bonked Anti-Fairy on the floor…” it said.

“Anti-Wanda!” yelled everyone. Anti-Wanda was on the floor, and she had a large lump on her head.

“Anti-Cosmo, explain yourself!” said Timmy.

“Oh, well,” Anti-Cosmo rolled his eyes. “So, fine, Jorgen invited me as a guest, but I brought a guest of my own. Anti-Wanda slipped away when Jorgen allowed me out. He didn’t notice because I mentioned his missing tooth and he turned to check how bad it looked.”

“Why, you!” said Jorgen.

“Anti-Wanda followed after us from that point on. I just needed one moment to allow her into the mansion, and I had my chance when Jorgen left me alone in the dining-room.”

“That’s impossible!” said Jorgen. “I locked the door!”

“She flew in through the window,” smiled Anti-Cosmo.

Jorgen’s eyes opened wide. He sure felt like a moron.

“Okay, I admit it!” spoke Anti-Wanda. “Once I was in I wanted to look for the fridge, ‘cause I was kinda hungry, see? But I got lost.”

“Impossible!” said Jorgen, extra loudly to draw attention away from forgetting to lock down the windows. “I locked the door, I said!”

“The dining-room door, my dear fellow,” grinned Anti-Cosmo. “The kitchen door was wide open, and there are more exits that way.”

“Ack! Could you two quit making me look like a fool?” protested Jorgen.

“Hold it!” said Timmy. “She was looking for the fridge and she exited through the kitchen?”

“Ah, Turner, you should already know my wife is a twit,” Anti-Cosmo sighed affectionately.

“I got lost, I said,” grinned Anti-Wanda. “I explored the place a-bit. I saw that hunk in the living-room,” she pointed at Wandissimo, “and then I went into a room full of old furniture. Then I heard someone behind of me, so I turned and I saw this huge wand coming straight to my head.”

“Oops…” muttered Jorgen. “When I saw she had buck teeth I thought I had hit her too hard…”

“Anyway… Couple moments later I woke up and returned here. My Anti-Cosmo saw me first and stuffed me inside that flowerpot, hoping to get ourselves out as soon as… as… What was that, again?”

“As soon as Turner solved the mystery and all the magical locks on the doors and windows were off,” finished Anti-Cosmo.

Jorgen was suddenly delighted. “Then that means I actually bonked an Anti-Fairy! I did good, even by mistake! Wheehaa!”

“But that means…” said Timmy, slowly, “that, if you didn’t bonk my Godmother… Who did it?”

They all stared at Cosmo, who has placed himself away the group and was now looking around, anxious and not in trance anymore.

“Cosmo!” they yelled. Cosmo got startled.

“What?” he startled.

“Someone here is lying, amigo,” smiled Wandissimo.

“Well that’s not me! I already said I didn’t do it, even under a Say-The-Truth wish!” Cosmo’s nervousness increased.

“You only told us you brought Wanda from the room to the lobby. What did you do before that?” asked Anti-Cosmo, still in his right to accuse.

Cosmo was trembling. Everybody’s gazes were upon him. Suddenly, he snapped.

“All right! All right! I wanted to teach Wanda a lesson!” he said.

“No!” said Timmy, unable to believe him.

“He’s admitted it!” said Jorgen. “Let’s get him!”

“Ahhh!” yelled Cosmo, and began to run away, the other three male Fairies after him. Timmy approached the Tooth Fairy and Anti-Wanda.

“I can’t believe this! Cosmo!” he said, astonished. “It can’t be…”

“OohhhhHHHhhhhh…”

Timmy blinked and turned to fainted Wanda, who wasn’t faint anymore. She was waking.

“Wanda!” smiled Timmy. “Hey, you guys, quit that! Wanda’s coming to!”

They stopped, which was good because Jorgen had Cosmo firmly gripped in one fist and was smacking him with the other. Wandissimo and Anti-Cosmo were betting on it. Everybody in the room hurried toward Wanda, who had opened her eyes and was blinking as she adjusted to Reality.

“Wha… Uhhh… Aw, my headdd…” she moaned.

“Wanda! Can you see me?” asked Timmy.

“Yes, yes… I… AH!” she said all of a sudden, jumping up. She was well awake, now. “I was bonked on the head! Ouch!” she added as she prodded on her head and found the lump.

“This is important, Wanda. Did you see who did it?” asked Timmy.

“Yes… yes…” she said. Her eyes scanned the people surrounding her… until her eyes met the culprit.

She scowled in fury. Her arm darted forward and pointed straight at the culprit.

“YOU!” she yelled, irked. “You did it!”

The suspects followed the direction of her accusing finger… to the figure standing in the doorframe behind them. A figure wearing a cook apron and a stereotyped cook hat, grasping a large, wooden spoon. The hat almost, but not quite, covered the small tower of curled, cyan hair.

“Momma!” gasped Cosmo.

“Momma Cosma!” yelled the others.

“Oh, rats, there goes my plan,” she groaned, her eyes narrowed, her arms on her hips. “Show’s over, people.”

“But… but… why!” asked Timmy.

“What else?” said Mom Cosmo. “To get my sweetie-pie away from that moron!”

“Away from me?” asked Anti-Wanda, curious.

“Of course not, dear,” Mom Cosmo smiled tenderly at her, then pointed angrily at Wanda. “Away from her, I mean!”

“What, by making us fight?” asked Cosmo, annoyed.

“Well, the original plan was to add something nasty to her soup, but after I heard you two arguing I thought a good bonk would do the trick,” she said sweetly, swinging her large wooden spoon in a demonstrative fashion.

“What nerve you have!” said Wanda. “And I suppose Cupid is involved as well, just like when you two plotted that Valentines Show!”

They all stared at Cupid, who had been ignored this far. He just smiled. “Hey, love is love, but money is money.”

“That means there never was a special Valentines Wish?” asked Timmy, annoyed.

“Nope,” said Cupid. Timmy wished to be the culprit, all of a sudden. At least then he would have a nice blunt instrument like a lead pipe ready and waiting in his hands.

“Does this mean this whole dinner was an excuse?” asked Jorgen, also annoyed.

“Uhmmm… Yes?” said Cupid. One thing was to say it to Timmy, but Jorgen was… well… Jorgen.

And he was smiling wildly, all of a sudden.

“All right!” he said. “That’s it for formality! This dinner needed entertainment!” and he cracked his knuckles. Cupid and Momma Cosmo gulped on cue.

-o-

“All’s well that ends well,” said Cosmo as they enjoyed dinner in Cupid’s Mansion.

“It wouldn’t have been well at all if your mother had succeeded,” scowled Wanda. She had a couple of band-aids on her lump in addition to a comically large block of ice. “What a woman, she’s always trying to break us apart.”

“Like if I could actually hurt you,” cooed Cosmo.

“Hey, didn’t you admit wanting to give your wife a lesson?” smirked Wandissimo.

“Ah, uuh…” said Cosmo.

Everybody in the dining room stared at him.

“That’s right!” said Jorgen. “You didn’t tell us where you had been in that gap of time!”

“Cosmo!” said Wanda, her eyes menacing.

“Oh, All right… If you need to know…” said Cosmo, and floated next to Wanda. “After our argument I thought I could show my wife I do care for her, so I took advantage of our free time to buy something for her.”

He handed her a bunch of roses and a heart-shaped box of chocolates.

“Awwww, Cosmo!” Wanda’s eyes sparkled. “You didn’t need to!”

“I know!” said Cosmo. “I bought them with your money.”

“Ack!” She snatched the presents and crashed them on his head. “But still…” she added, and her eyes were sparkly again as she hugged him.

“Well, that’s it for the mystery,” said Timmy, helping himself to more Loveburgers (which were really only heart-shaped hamburgers, of course). “What ever happened to the Anti-Fairies, anyway?”

“Oh, they returned to prison,” said Jorgen. “They even wrote a nice goodbye letter, see?” he raised a muscular arm with a tiny piece of paper between his digits. “’Thought you wouldn’t read this until it was too late. If you think we went to prison you are wrong. Greetings from Hawaii’!”

“Jorgen! Why didn’t you escort them to prison?” demanded the Tooth Fairy.

“Because I didn’t want to leave you alone with him!” Jorgen snapped, pointing at Wandissimo, who merely smiled and waggled his perfect macho eyebrows.

“You think my mother will be all right?” wondered Cosmo as he returned to his chair.

“Oh, surely,” smiled Wanda. “Jorgen did a good job on them. They are so sweet together…”

In the kitchen, kept inside a giant butterfly jar, stood the dessert cake, pink with two wedding figures on top: Cupid and Momma Cosma, both beaten up, though he was smiling.

“Isn’t this a corny end, or what?” he asked.

“Oh, shush…” she said, and increased her scowl.

Oh, yes… All’s well that ends well. Or at least in Private Investigator Turner’s thoughts, anyway.

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THE END

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