A/N: I'd like to wish Hylian Lemon a Happy Birthday. Sweeeet sixteeeen! Ok, I'm done.

This place is safe, yes here beneath my bed sheets, away from the light! That blasted sun, tanning my pale elegant feminine skin! Doesn’t it know I’m the princess of Hyrule? It should listen to me and leave, this world isn’t big enough for the both of us. Impa just came in and tried to get me to go outside, I hissed and told her I was planning to take over the world so if she could fetch me a coffee in half an hour that would be great. She rolled her eyes and left, bahaha! She thought I was joking! But no, I really will take over Hyrule. What’s that brain? I’m the princess so of course I’ll take over Hyrule someday? Blasphemy! You’ll be telling me Ganondorf is my long lost brother next. What if he really is? I wonder if he can help me…..yes, I’ll ask brother dearest if he can, who cares if we sealed him away? I shall release him! Now, where’s my coffee!? A croissant would be nice too, extra butter!

Excited, Zelda

Dear Diary

I realised I needed a way to make money, stealing from Zelda didn’t work today, when I got to her window I found it was locked and there was odd chanting coming from within. She must be rehearsing a speech or cult meeting. I wish I had a cult, we’d eat packets of sugar and tell each other girlie stories about our crushes! Oooo that Darunia is so cute, and King Zora, what a dish! (Insert high-pitched girlish scream here). So, I decided I’d make a tourist shop in the middle of Hyrule Field! I have lots of junk in my house so I’m sure there are some idiots who will purchase something. I didn’t find many things of interest though, just Saria in my bed, I don’t think I can sell her…for much, ouch! She’s reading this as I write! Now she’s laughing because I wrote Darunia is cute, like she doesn’t think that too! Um, not that I do anyway…I’m going to stop now.

Embarrassed, Link.

Dear Diary

This isn’t Saria, again, haha! I saw Mido put her diary down when he was ‘cleaning’ her house so I stole it. How could she forget my name!? Girl with the bunches? The cheek of it all! If it wasn’t for her, I would be the Forest Sage and Link’s best friend! But oh no, Nintendo had to chuck me aside after the beta game! And look at them reusing my name over and over, I’m the original Fado, I was first! They just forgot to put my name in the game at all, it’s so insulting, I’ll be calling my lawyers over this! Wait….what’s a lawyer? And what’s Nintendo? Who am I again? Oh yeah, the girl with the bunches…

Upset, Fado, or better known as Girl with bunches. Miss Bunches to you!

Dear Diary

This is Ruto’s pet fish, Boris. She keeps me In a bowl by her bed, Achoo! Excuse me, I’m allergic to water, it makes me sneeze….every….every…achoo! Few minutes. I’m a fish of many talents as you can see, I can write and my memory isn’t short. Being here in this bowl, I see lots of interesting things. Achoo! Just yesterday, the diving game owner and the Zora who runs the shop came in here when Ruto was out and did….things! I’m hoping for amnesia after what I saw but what’s a fish to do, eh? Here’s something I bet no one knows, when she’s bored, Ruto takes me out of my bowl and practices kissing, on me! Blargh, just the memory of her wet, oily lips on mine makes me want to throw up, achoo! She’s such a-a fish! Maybe if I annoy her enough she’ll throw me down the toilet, or I’ll jump myself, whichever comes first.

Achoo, Boris

Dear Diary

Today was groovy! I started my animal fitness club. First up were the cuccos, I made a little chant so it would be easier for them to get into the routine. And a one and two and three and cluck! And a one and two and three and cluck! Shake those wings girls! Ah, nothing like a good cluck in the morning! I was going to move onto the horses, but Mr. Ingo started moaning to me about not doing my chores yet. He annoys me so much sometimes! I’m fed up of being the only one to do any real work around here! Dad sleeps the days away while Mr. Moany Pants stands complaining with a rake in his hands all the time! One day I’ll take that rake and shove it so far up his behind that it will come out of his mouth and make him lose his virginity in the process!

Malon

Goro Gor

G-g-g-g- goro gorn go gor goroorororon! Ahem, excuse me, was just warming up my singing voice, that was the first line of the Goron national anthem. Many brave Gorons have sung it before diving into the fires of the crater, lava snorkelling Is a popular sport up here! Anygoro, today I was tucking into a nice juicy fresh rock, when to my utter horror I found….a…a….blade of grass inside! The shock I had, I swear I nearly had a heart attack! Grass? Inside my rock? I nearly bit it, I could have died! I’ll hunt down the beast who tried to poison me and stomp on them good and proper, you’ll see!

Angry, Darunia

Dear Diary

I did some reminiscing today. I was thinking about my first boyfriend, yes as crazy as it sounds, even a masculine beauty such as myself has been under the spell of…love. Such divine memories, I remember the first time our eyes met across that glorious graveyard. The rain beat against my face as it soaked his fabulous brown, rotting flesh. His eyes, as empty as black holes, his hunch as amazing as a fine hill. And his voice, ooh, my heart still flutters at his high-pitched shriek of a voice, that piercing scream that caught my heart and paralysed my whole body. He stood in the open grave, slowly sliding towards me, he placed his hands and legs around me before taking a bite out of my neck, a bite of love! I’ll never forget that moment, the one who was my first true love, the only man to ever tame me.

Dreamily, Impa

Dear Diary

So today I spent ten hours cooking the most amazing meal ever. I had it all lined up on my table in my room when suddenly, the food began to float around the room, luckily I managed to grab it and put it back without another thought. But then! It went off again, as you can guess, I was pretty mad by then, so I got up to chase it but found something pulled my pants off and swept out of the room with them and the food! Running outside without putting anymore pants on, I saw the food floating off across the desert being carried by my pants in the shape of a parachute! Arrggh! All of the women were giving me stares, I yelled asking if they’d never seen a half naked woman before, considering they ARE women. Or maybe they were looking at my Hello kitty tattoo on my thigh, it’s not my fault if Ganondorf had a strange cat obsession and put it on me when I slept ages ago. Bah, I hate thieves who steal from thieves!

Nabooru.

Hello Moreece

I was expecting another usual day up here in the void, but it all changed when I was strolling around the fresh morning void air. I came across a strange door in the middle of nowhere, loud chanting was coming from within. Deciding I had nothing to lose, I entered, and there it was! Hyrule field! The bright colours blinded my fragile eyes as the smell of grass and Spring flowers wafted into my nostrils. Taking a breath of the air, I saw Zelda running towards me screaming brother over and over. Since when were we related? Yes, you’re right Moreece, she has lost it, not like she ever had it but I’ll just agree since I don’t want a whipping again. But wait, if I humour our dear princess, I could get into her good books. I could take over Hyrule! The world! Mcdonalds! Aahahaha!

Free at last, Ganondorf.

Dear Diary

I can’t believe I wasn’t sent a diary until now. I, the mighty Sage of Light. The leader of them all! The greatest chef I the world! Ok, so Zelda might be the seventh Sage, but I was the one who was with that boy for seven long years! I was the one who watched his sleeping body, who changed his shrinking clothes, who sang calming melodies into his ears day and night! I was the one who baked over five hundred cakes in case he woke up and got peckish. Of course, I ended up eating them all myself, what? I was bored! I was a slip of a man until I ate all those cakes, now the only thing that fits me is a bathrobe, sigh, such a sad life.

Rauru.