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Halloween at Naruto's
Thanks to Kid Manga, Gaarasgirl22002, gaara-o-sand, GaaraCutie, HinodeoftheCovenant, Haku Forever, AliCal and the anonymous reviewer whose name was a string of random letters P.
Thanks also go out to GaaraCutie, HinodeoftheCovenant, KidManga, Sasuke Usheya, ShinobiHunter181, SlythCommand, gaara-o-sand, kristina-16 and whitetigerrose for the faves.
Cheers for sticking with this, even though it really is just total and utter crack!fic. P
Chaos ensued.
In the pitch dark, the Konoha ninjas seemed to forget everything Sandaime Hokage had said about Teamwork and Solidarity and Fellowship amongst a myriad of other words that meant more or less the same damn thing. Instead, they appeared to be following Orochimaru's Way of the Ninja. The number one golden rule of said Way of the Ninja was: "Whenever there's trouble - get the fuck out." The elite Konoha ninjas seemed to be doing just that. Kakashi was making the quickest progress, having already legged it halfway to the kitchen before even letting the others know. On the way, he'd punched out Naruto and Shikamaru, who were second fastest. This was Orochimaru's second golden rule in his Way of the Ninja: "The only thing between you and survival is the guy running faster than you." Choji ended up getting there first, though only because Neji picked him up and threw him.
After five excruciating minutes of treachery in the dark, all of the partygoers had managed to cram themselves into Sasuke's kitchen, Shikamaru having sensibly blocked the door with a chair. For a while, they all just sat there breathing heavily, as konoha ninja are wont to do after having survived a narrow escape. Tenten was trying to comfort Neji, who was now sobbing uncontrollably into her shoulder.
"It was... It was horrible!" Neji wailed, sniffing and wiping his nose on Tenten's tunic. "All the bones were sticking out— It was like... like when I went to my uncle Sancho's fortieth birthday party, and he got drunk and showed me this trick he could do."
Neji's face twisted into a tormented grimace and everyone was listening to his tale, rapt, with fear in their eyes.
"I'll never forget it," he whispered hoarsely, gripping the fabric of Tenten's tunic in his fist. "He said, 'Ha ha, watch this, Nej-meister!' And he... he—"
"WHAT DID HE DO, DATTEBAYO?" Naruto whispered, his eyes wide.
Neji's lip trembled, then he squealed, "HEBENTBOTHHISLEGSBEHINDHISHEADANDTHEBONESSTUCKOUTANDITWASTOTALLYTOTALLYGROSS!!"
A long silence fell, in which the other ninjas looked at each other with varying degrees of cynicism and disgust.
"Dude," Kiba said, "I can do that. It's nothing major—"
"SHUT UP!!" Neji howled suddenly, pushing Tenten away and pointing a quivering finger at a bewildered-looking Kiba. "SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!! YOU ARE A FREAK! I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU—!"
Neji whirled round at the tap on his shoulder, looking ready to deal Death to anyone who made light of his childhood agony. Instead he just saw Shikamaru staring at him, looking a bit puzzled.
"What do you want?" he snapped.
"Since when do you have an uncle Sancho?" Shikamaru asked, looking at Hinata, too, who was sitting just a little too close to Naruto for comfort, stroking his leg and not paying attention.
Neji deflated a bit, looking slightly red in the face. "Err... well, that's— that's a private Hyuga family matter! It's none of your damn business!"
Kakashi leaned forward and leered at Neji, leaving his attempts to break open the locks Sasuke had put on his window to stop the Sakuras and Inos of Konoha climbing in at night. "Don't worry, guys. I know allllll about Neji and Hinata's uncle Sancho. I was there at the wedding, after all."
"WEDDING, DATTEBAYO?" Naruto asked, completely innocent and therefore genuinely puzzled. "WHAT WEDDING?"
Neji's face turned beetroot. "Kakshi..." he threatened, "... if you tell them anything, I swear to god I'll kick your ass."
Kakashi appeared to consider this for a moment, then he grinned and told everyone everything.
"Uncle Sancho is Hiashi Hyuga's special friend from the Sand Village," he sniggered. "They got together at the Chuunin exams about five years back after Hiashi and the Mrs. divorced. I heard that he can do some pretty mean things with his—"
"Shut the fuck up, Kakashi!" Neji snapped, wrapping his arms around his knees like a five year old as everyone else in the room dissolved into fits of filthy-minded laugher. "Just shut up. I hate you. Seriously, man. You're such a dick, sometimes..."
Kakashi bowed. "Glad to be of service."
"Ur unc13 iz t3h gh3y?1" Shino asked in disbelief.
"Explains a lot," Ino said with a snigger, which was cut off abruptly as Neji almost strangled her to death with Byakugan.
"There's no shame in it, dude," Shikamaru said. "Calm down, okay?"
"I'm not ashamed, alright?" Neji snapped. "You don't know how I feel!"
"Well you're not acting like it," Shikamaru replied impatiently. "You're acting like a raging homophobe..."
This seemed to hit a nerve. The vein in Neji's head started to throb dangerously and his Einstein moustache was hanging at an angle - making him look totally and utterly mental. Everyone except for Shikamaru dived for a spot under the kitchen table, who was used to sticking to his principles.
"I'M NOT A FUCKING HOMOPHOBE, ALRIGHT?" Neji roared, whipping round and grabbing Shikamaru by the collar of his Silent Bob trenchcoat. "JESUS CHRIST, I GET ENOUGH OF THAT FROM HINATA, GODDAMMIT, I DON'T NEED YOU ON MY FREAKIN CASE—"
But Neji's rant was cut short when an ominous sound made its presence heard from somewhere directly above them...
Thump...
Everyone stayed perfectly still, except Kakashi, who had suddenly renewed his frantic efforts to remove the locks from Sasuke's window.
"Oh my god, did you hear that?" Sakura whispered.
"Do not fear, Sakura-san!" Lee said valiantly, yanking Sakura into a fierce, dewy-eyed embrace. "I shall protect you!"
Sakura pause for a minute, then said, "Errr... Lee? I thought you came with Hinata?"
Thump thump...
"Holy shit, it just happened again!" Kiba screamed, jumping to his feet, almost stepping on Akamaru in the dark.
"omg d00ds w3r gunna g3t PWNd!" Shino said. "Th1s is 1t. w3s g3ttin t3h smaxdown. h4vent any of u gys w4tchd 4liens?"
Kankuro bit back a scream.
"Ex4ctly man. w3 is ded. D-E-D."
Thump thump thump...
"Err... Kakashi?" Shikamaru yelled, becoming a bit freaked out by all the talk of Aliens and the implications of imminent, agonising death. "Are you going to get that goddamn window open or what, because this thing, whatever it is, is getting closer!!"
After he'd pulled the switch in the power room, Hitler-Sasuke had crawled up into the air vents and along until he reached the ones that ran above his old apartment. It hadn't been hard to find his ex- idiot companions because he could hear them all whispering at each other to shut up three rooms away. He cackled diabolically to himself as he thumped on the metal air vent and heard them shitting bricks. He had also cackled diabolically at the revelation about Hyuga Neji's Uncle Sancho. It really did explain a lot. Hmph. Hyuga. What a loser!
Although despite his amazing, unparalleled, Uchiha success in carrying out his Quite Diabolical Plan, he wondered what exactly had caused them to react so spectacularly. I mean, yeah, it was really good timing and everything - but there had to be something up. Something else was going on that he didn't know about - and as soon as he was finished torturing his ex- comrades, he was going to find out what.
With an evil grin, he gave the metal vent a few more thumps and was satisfied to hear Kankuro squeal. But from up ahead, his sensitive, Uchiha ears picked up a soft, shuffling noise.
Someone was coming along the vent.
There was no way any of those douches down below had figured him out, because he had peered through the grate and he could still see them all.
The shuffling was getting closer. Sasuke smirked in the arrogant way he had learned from Orochimaru-sama. Well the encroaching shuffler was no threat. He would find out who it was, and then beat the shit out of them for trying to out-diabol him in the diabolical plan stakes.
The intruder was just about to turn the corner. Sasuke got ready to launch himself, but stopped when he saw a strangely familiar figure crawling towards him. Sasuke had only seen him in pictures. There was this one really filthy polaroid he'd found when he'd went raking around in Orochimaru-sama's porn stash that'd given him nightmares for weeks. He shuddered at the memory. He hadn't known anyone could bend that way. This was definitely the guy.
The crawling figure stopped right in front of Sasuke and stared at him stonily.
"Sasuke," it said, not even bothering to be polite.
"Kimimaro," Sasuke said, making extra sure he was just as scathing. "What the hell are you doing here? I thought you were dead."
"I am," Kimimaro replied. "Orochimaru-sama breaks me out sometimes if he's looking for a bit of fun." He paused at the confused look on Sasuke's face, and added, "Edo tensei."
Sasuke raised an eyebrow in scathing, emo, teenage disgust. "Gross. But that's not the point. What the hell are you doing here?"
"I, unlike you, am on a mission from Orochimaru-sama," Kimimaro said smugly. "I am commanded to scare the Konoha rival ninjas to actual death."
Sasuke smirked. "Actual death, eh? What's that as opposed to fake death?"
Kimimaro said nothing but stared in his creepy, slightly threatening way at Sasuke.
Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Well, sorry, shit-stabber, but there's no way in hell you're going to scare those guys to death."
"And why is that?"
"Because I'm going to do it first," Sasuke said. "It's my Quite Diabolical Plan and I'm not going to let some gaybag like you stop me."
Kimimaro smirked. "So mature. But you can talk. I remember Kabuto showing Orochimaru-sama and I footage from his data cards of you locking tonsils with Naruto."
Suddenly, Sasuke's face was like thunder. "Shut up, queer."
"You shut up, homo," Kimimaro hissed.
"No, you shut up, fudge-packer!" Sasuke retaliated.
"No, you shut up, knob jockey!"
"Faggot!"
"Rim-raider!"
"Stool-pusher!"
"Butt-nutt!"
"THAT'S IT!!" Sasuke howled. "HOW DARE YOU IMPLY THAT I AM IN ANY WAY LIKE
UNCLE SANCHO! I AM A TEENAGER! WE'RE SENSITIVE TO THAT KIND OF SHIT! I'LL HAVE TO GO BACK TO OROCHIMARU'S DAMN HIDEOUT AND CUT MYSELF AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT— CHIDORI!!"
A great ball of lightning began to form in Sasuke's hand, growing bigger and bigger by the second - and Kimimaro looked on in horror as he realised that it wasn't going to stop.
"Oh. Holy. Fuck."
"PHEW!" Naruto exclaimed, causing everyone in the vicinity's ears to bleed. "THANKS FOR GETTING US OUT OF THERE, DATTEBAYO!"
"No problem, Naruto," Kakashi said, grinning and scratching his head sheepishly. "Though I don't think Sasuke will be too happy..."
Everyone looked back and winced at the great, smoking hole that Kakashi had blown through the facade of the block of apartments in a desperate attempt to adhere to the first rule of Orochimaru's Way of the Ninja. Nobody complained, though. They were all out; the Bone Ninja wasn't coming after them; and they had met up with the others again and were planning an expedition to egg and TP the Fifth's house. It was clearly Orochimaru's idea because he'd come armed with a van loaded up with all the necessary equipment: namely toilet paper and eggs.
"It looked pretty fucking impressive from out here, fellow pimp!" Jiraiya chortled, slapping Kakashi so hard on the back it made him choke.
"A-KHOOFAH! A-KHOOFAH!"
"Whoops. Sorry about that, Kakashi. Don't know my own strength sometimes," Jiraiya said smugly.
"KAAK! KAAK! HA-KAAK!" Kakashi implored, pointing to his throat, his eyes watering.
"What's that, Kakashi?" Jiraiya asked.
"Kof... Kof— water kof!"
Jiraiya pursed his lips and looked around. There was no water about, but it wouldn't do to have his fellow pimp in arms choke to death.
"Anyone any good at water techniques?" he yelled.
Gaara snorted derisively, walked over and threw the remainder of his last can in Kakashi's face. Some got in his mouth, though, and the imminent choking was thus ingeniously averted.
"Thanks, dickhead," Kakashi muttered, wiping the beer from his eyes.
"That's kage dickhead to you, underling," Gaara retorted, which made Kabuto snigger appreciatively.
Kakashi wished herpes on Gaara with his mind, then he shook his head and turned back to call shotgun on the front seat, and just as he did, a distinctly bony-looking blur flashed past him. It slowed down in a cloud of dust that set everyone into a coughing fit and stopped to cower behind Orochimaru.
"Kimimaro-kun?" Orochimaru said hesitantly.
"GET DOWN!!" Kimimaro roared, dragging his master to the floor.
Everyone hit the deck, and seconds later, the whole apartment block exploded.
In the next episode: The Fire/Sand/Sound alliance - Sandaime under Siege!
See you next time!
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