A/N: Chapter 29, wherein there is OOCness, drug accusations and blatant lies.

Dear Marauders,

Hey guys! Just a simple question but, is it wrong to love werewolves?!
You see, wolves are my favourite animals, and I’ve always wanted to meet a real werewolf! Wolves are pretty amazing! But when people ask my opinion on werewolves, and I smile and ramble on in their defence, they frown at me and say its disgraceful! Werewolves aren't disgraceful at all are they!? They're special! Normal people who occasionally turn all wolfie-like, so what? That’s pretty cool! Am I the only one who thinks of werewolves like this?

Wolf-lover

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I don't see anything wrong with your views at all and I sincerely doubt you're the only one who isn't prejudiced towards werewolves; of the entire wizarding population, there's bound to be more than one.

-M

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Yeah, at least four.

- P

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Thank you for that Peter, my faith in the world has been restored.

-M

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What Peter meant to say (although he failed miserably, as usual) was that he could probably name at least four individuals who aren't prejudiced, as a means of proving your point. Like me, for example. I'm not prejudiced against anything...except most Slytherins...most pure-bloods....Slayers...Welsh people...but that’s it. Oh, and Red-head-haters.

- J

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But werewolves can be pretty damn irritating. Never doing anything fun, always reading or studying, calling poor innocents illiterate and annoying... you know, not to mention all the chocolate. I mean, how can you eat that much chocolate and not explode? .... um, because I, er, read in an article once about, uh, an annoying werewolf who ate lots of chocolate... yeah, that'll do.

-S

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I am continually surprised by your tact and subtlety Sirius.

-M

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We should stop him from talking in the future.

- J

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That sounds like a marvelous idea. In fact, we probably should have done that a long time ago.

-M

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I suggest a gag. Here's a spell I invented for just such an occasion...

- J

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Wait! What is this?! I was merely offering a favorable opinion and now you people are trying to gag me? What for? What did I doooo?

- S

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The world's just better off this way, Sirius. I'm sorry it had to come to this, but we have no other alternative.

-M

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Get back, you people! Back, I say! You'll never silence me! NEVER!

- S

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This is ridiculous. All we're trying to do is stop him from blurting out all our secrets. Maybe we should just wipe his memory. That'll stop him for good.

- J

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.... not that we have any secrets... heh heh...

-M

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Right. Yes, of course....

-J

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Merlin, if anyone's being obvious it’s Moony! Gag him!

-S

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Yes, gag Moony! He told McGonagall about my cheat notes for the exams. I NEEDED THOSE!

- P

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You shouldn't cheat Peter; it defeats the purpose of going to school in the first place!

-M

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While I don't condone cheating, you know more than anyone how stupid Peter is. Do you really want him to FAIL, Moony? What kind of friend are you?

- J

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But James, if he cheats then he'll never learn the course work!

-M

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So? He's Pete. He doesn't need to know the course work. We all know he'll probably end up as some boot-shine boy in Diagon Alley anyway. What use is an education to him? He can't even remember how to tie his own shoe laces! (No offence, Pete.)

- J

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Huh? Who are we talking about?

- P

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Honestly James, you're lecturing me on being a good friend. For shame.

-M

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I'm just saying what we all think! I mean, it's not like Pete aspires to become some kind of famous scholar or anything. His own expectations don't go much further than eating waffles for breakfast.

- J

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Ha! Moony's doing that "I disapprove!" frown again! Seriously, we need to take a photo of that face one day, it's bloody hilarious.

-S

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Not true James. I also expect to have roast ham for dinner.

- P

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Well, there you go. All of Pete's expectations are food-related. What use is an education, unless it's a cooking course?

- J

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It pains me greatly to hear those words, James. "What use is an education"? That's blasphemous I say.

-M

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Let me put it this way: giving Pete an education is about as good as teaching a vampire how to cook with garlic. It's just dangerous.

- J

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Heh! Too right mate.

-S

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... wait, aren't vampires allergic to garlic?

-P

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See, at least he knows that much. Yes Pete. Just like how you're allergic to learning.

- J

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I remember when he broke out in hives after that intense Charms lesson. It's bad for his health.

- S

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You two are terrible.

-M

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No, I think you're the terrible one, wanting to give Pete hives by making him learn. Shame on you, Moony.

- J

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Indeed.

-M

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You really should see a doctor about that sarcasm addiction of yours Remus, it's not healthy.

-S

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No, not at all. It's about as healthy as taking a bath in toxic waste in the middle of winter. (I like similes).

- J

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I wanted to be a doctor once.

- P

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Really?

- J

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Yes, but then I found out what a doctor was, and changed my mind. I don't like sick people.

-P

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Yeah, doctors generally have to deal with a lot sick people. It's a good thing you worked that out so soon.

-S

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Yeah. Good thing. After that, I wanted to be a politician. But my dad said the Ministry was already full of enough bumbling idiots, and didn't need another one. I'm not too sure what he meant.

- P

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Merlin, do people in the world not know how to be supportive any more?

-M

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I think we're being very supportive. You're the one who is setting Pete up for a life-time of disappointment by making him think he can achieve anything worthwhile. He'll just end up depressed. At least me and Sirius are being realistic about it.

- J

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Really, why do I even bother with you two?

-M

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Yes, why can't you bother someone else instead? Clearly, you don't get what we're trying to do here.

- S

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No, I don't. No one ever knows what on earth you're trying to do.

-M

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Well, we both know what we're doing. It looks like you're the odd one out, Moony. Maybe you should take your leave

- S

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I don't know what you're trying to do either...

-P

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Sure you do, Pete. We're trying to help you. But Moony keeps getting his uninvited big nose in the way.

- S

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Sirius...are you implying that we should get rid of Moony? ‘Cause that’s kind of drastic.

- J

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Why not? He only keeps bringing all our ideas down and being a wet-blanket. Maybe he should leave.

- S

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.... My nose isn't big...

- M

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That’s kinda harsh, Sirius. I mean, Moony's our friend! He's been with us since First Year. We can't just kick him out because he's sometimes annoying, or always going on about the "right thing to do". And the First Years (geeze, I think he may have an unhealthy obsession with them). Moony's important.

- J

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Wow, James. I am so comforted by you ever-so-kind words.

-M

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But James, if there's anything my family has taught me, it's that people are there to be used and then discarded. We've used Moony to cruise through school, and now it's over in a year or so. And, since I can't wait that long, we might as well get rid of him now. He's too much trouble.

- S

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...Sirius, I am shocked. Since when do you listen to your family? And what am I? What usefulness do I serve? When are you going to get rid of me?

- J

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When you run out of Gillyweed.

- S

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Well, I'm glad to hear that our friendship means so much to you Sirius. Warms my heart it does.

-M

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And Pete's only here until I can work out how to cook eggs in the shape of people. That’s one awesome skill he has.

- S

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What the hell has gotten into you, Sirius? Why are you acting like such a bastard! You're not the Sirius I know

- J

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The Sirius you know doesn't exist. It was all an act to fool you lot into being my "friends". But now that I don't really need you all anymore, I don't mind showing you the real Sirius.

- S

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I knew it would only be so long before he snapped.

-M

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I don't buy it. Something's wrong with him.

- J

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Aren't you people listening to me? You're all worthless scum!

- S

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He sounds pretty convincing. And angry.

- P

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There's always something wrong with him.

-M

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Yeah, but I think this is something else, something new. I know for a fact that Sirius actually likes us. There was this incident back in Third Year, where I accidentally invented this potion which made me psychic. I learned far more that day about you all than I would've liked.

- J

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You seem to accidentally invent potions a lot. I don't think that's safe.

-M

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Well, potions are my specialty...after transfiguration. Actually, I’m good at charms too. I think I’m just talented at Magic in general. And of course it's safe! I always use protective goggles.

- J

--

And a cup.

- J

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I don't think that’s what Moony meant...

- P

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Anyway, I think you're right about Sirius. He is acting rather uncharacteristic. Are you sure he hasn't ingested any of your accidental potions lately?

-M

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MUHAHA HAHA! YOU ARE ALL SCUM! DIE DIE DIE!

- S

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Well, you mean since last time? I don't think so. I changed the locks on my potions stash in my trunk. There's no way he could've gotten in there. I think it's something else…

-J

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Like what?

- P

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I dunno. Some kind of spell?

- J

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What? No spell is controlling me! Not at all! I am the real Sirius!

- S

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Hmm, interesting....I'm pretty sure it's a spell.

- J

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Aren't you listening! There is definitely no mind-control spell being used to control me! No spell! Shut up about the spell!

- S

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Even under a mind-control spell he's still tactless and unsubtle. Typical.

-M

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Indeed. I wonder who cast it? Who could possibly be controlling him? Let's make a list of possible suspects. Who hates Sirius?

-J

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That’s gonna be a long list.

- P

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Slytherins, Snape, ex-girlfriends, teachers, his family, Snape, cats... Peter's right, the list does go on a bit doesn't it?

-M

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Yeah. And don't forget all of those guys he's stolen girls from, and Filch, and Peeves, and the giant squid.

- J

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It would probably be easier to write a list of all the people who *don't* hate Sirius. Us and the house elves in the kitchen. They love that he loves their cooking.

- P

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Wait, us? Oh, I mean, yeah. Us. We don't hate Sirius.

-M

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YOU ARE ALL PATHETIC WEEDS! AND YOU HAVE CHLAMYDIA! AND YOUR BREATH SMELLS LIKE CAT FOOOOD!

- S

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Hmmm, I agree with Moony. Anyway, of all the people who hate him, how many of them are capable of casting such a spell?

-J

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Well, that rules out Mrs Norris...

-M

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I dunno. I swear I saw that cat charming fish to fly into her mouth once.

- J

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So, who is doing it? I hope we find out soon. He's trying to pull my leg off. Get off me Sirius! I'm still having nightmares about what happened last week

- P

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Anyway, whoever's mind-controlling Sirius, is having him insult us. Therefore, I think it's a possibility that this person has a grudge against us as well. So, maybe it's someone who hates all of us.

-M

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Well, the prime suspects would be...Snape, Regulus, Bellatrix, Lucious (after we hexed him on Halloween to glow bright pink. That was hilarious), um...Neil the captain of the Slytherin quidditch team, and Chester, since he seems to think we're to blame for that suspension he got last month, and why his girlfriend of five years dumped him. Seriously, some people can't take a joke.

- J

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Don't forget most of Slytherin house.

- P

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And that Voldemort chap. I hear he somehow found out about me calling him a wanker.

- J

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And maybe McGonagall is tired of thinking up new things for us to do in detention.

-M

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Maybe. So, that’s still a pretty long list. How are we supposed to narrow it down?

- J

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Remus smells of rotten eggs, Peter is a moron, and James, James is the worst! How dare he give my wonderful brother acid pops?!

- S

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Yeah, I say it's Regulus.

- J

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That was easy.

- P

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What? No, Regulus is not here! Not at all. Stop saying things! Morons.

- S

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It's a bit late for that now. I see that being entirely too obvious runs in the family.

-M

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Must be a "Black" thing. Let that be a warning to all you females, don't procreate with the Blacks. Your kids shall turn out to be as convincing as spinach and about as intelligent as corn...I think I’m hungry...

- J

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Hey! That's my family you're talking about you muggle-loving blood-traitor!

-S

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If it wasn't already clear that it isn't Sirius, I’d say that makes is pretty obvious. Everyone knows Sirius hates his family. Especially his corrupt little brother. You clearly don't know Sirius very well, do you?

- J

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...Shut up! You are the one who doesn't know Sirius...I mean, me.

- S

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Busted!

-P

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Really, this is what comes of inbreeding. A family of witless wonders. And I didn't think anyone could be as dense as Sirius.

-M

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Moron. I told you, you weren't doing this properly. And now they know. The plan is ruined! - Wait, Bella, don't go - Shut up you moron, they can still hear us - Fuck! –

- S

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Haha, and so Bellatrix is in on it too. I'm so glad I’m only distantly related to them. Such moronic twats.

- J

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Um, I hate to bring this up when we're all having such fun marvelling at how thick Sirius' family is, but shouldn't we be doing something? I mean, they do have him under a spell.

-M

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I suppose. If we leave him like this, he might try to strangle us in our sleep. That could be annoying. Regulus, how are you doing this? And stop it now! Don't make me come after you. There's nowhere in the castle you can hide where I won't find you.

- J

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Fuck, what do we do now Bella? - I thought I told you to stop talking to me! - Ow, you didn't have to hit me! - Just shut up and let me handle this – Ahem. We are not going to relinquish control of this sack of meat until you give us all your money! And stop abusing us Slytherins. Especially Lucious. Narssia won't shut up about that time you turned him pink.

- S

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What about Snape? Don't care about him then?

- J

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Of course I don't, he's a greasy git.

- S

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Really, because there's a rumour going around that you two hooked up in Hogsmeade last week.

- J

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What? Is that true Bella? How could you cheat on me?!

-S

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Real mature James.

-M

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I thought I said SHUT UP! Merlin, these bastards are right, you and your brother are bloody thick. And I did not do anything with that disgusting slime ball last week!

- S

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Seriously, these two are more irritating than Sirius (an unimaginable feat, I know). We should really do something about this.

-M

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But, he does a funny high voice when Bellatrix talks! It's hilarious!

-P

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Well, maybe we should do something about it. I can't wait to see the look on Snape's face when he finds out that Bellatrix is denying that their..."dates" ever happened. Poor guy. He's going to be crushed. You're a cruel bitch, Bellatrix.

- J

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Hey, it rhymes!

- P

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For the last time, we did nothing! Whoever said we did will die a painful and prolonged death! We were so careful to cover our tracks, for Merlin’s sake! How did this happen!?

- S

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Haha, so you did do something with Snape! I knew it! And to think I thought I was just making it up to annoy you! This is brilliant.

- J

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Again, unsubtle. I'm beginning to think it's a genetic disorder...

-M

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FUCK THE LOT OF YOU! I've had enough with being embarrassed in front of the entire school. This was the worst idea you've ever had, Regulus! I'm leaving! - Wait, Bella, no! How could you! I thought you said you loved me! You heartless bitch! –

- S

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This is more entertaining than one of those muggle soap operas.

- J

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And twice as dramatic. What’s going to happen next? Bella is pregnant with Chang's love child? Wow, that would be one hell of a twist.

- P

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Well, I think that actually may have worked at freeing Sirius. Hello Sirius? Is that you?

-M

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Fuck off you Marauders. See what you've done? *sob*

- S

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Not quite, but at least we got rid of one of them. Now all we need to go is send Regulus packing, and we'll have our predictable, lovable old Sirius back

- J

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Isn't there just some way we could break the spell? Use practicality, logic and perhaps a knowledge of magic to solve the problem? I mean, we are at a school.

-M

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Well, we could try that, or we could talk to Regulus more. Hey, Reg, how you been lately? We haven’t really talked since you tried to throw me off the roof that time when I was staying at your house a few years ago. I hear you're dating Bellatrix. How's that going for you?

- J

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I FRIGGEN HATE YOU JAMES POTTER!

-S

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That well, eh?

– J

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I can't say I condone this sort of method, but we do have a friend in need.

-M

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Fuck this; you can have my stupid brother back. He's a worthless piece of crap anyway. And never talk to me again, Potter, or I’ll kill you. Bastard.

- S

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...charming lad, he is. I'm sure he'll be okay once he gets over the whole "being dumped on the Advice Thingy" part. There's plenty of other ladies out there, and Bellatrix is certainly no prize. I'm sure she and Snape are very happy....or abusive. I always wondered what she'd be like in a relationship...and it sounds scary. Anyway, you with us again, Sirius?

- J

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…What just happened?

- S

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I think it worked! Yay!

- P

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And once again he seems to have no recollection of the event. It makes you wonder, really.

-M

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What event?

-S

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Hey Sirius, did you know that your brother was dating your cousin? How disgusting is that?

- J

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For some reason, I'm not as shocked as I really should be.

-S

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And then she dumped him for Snape! Wow, your family is really messed up, eh?

- J

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You don't need to tell me, I had to live with them.

-S

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Wait, are we still doing the advice thingy? Because I'm really hungry. Why hasn't Moony tried to get us back on topic yet?

-P

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I'm not entirely sure of that myself Peter. I think I've just given up on you all and your non-existent ability to focus on actually giving advice.

-M

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Well, since Moony's not up to it, allow me to save the integrity of this Advice Thingy, as always: Yes Wolf-Lover you are not the only one who doesn't hate werewolves. I'm sure if you look hard enough, you'll even find an entire club for werewolf enthusiasts. Or you could invade one of those support groups. You're not alone, even if we are the minority. And I think we've also established that Sirius' family would make a great subject for a soap opera. And Bella is dating Snape; pass it on, people!

- J

To the marauders, whoever you may be.

I was making me some potions in my lab today, and then I kinda tripped and there was an explosion. For some reason, I landed in this kitchen, with a whole bunch of evil monkeys. I got them to put a sex-changing potion in random peoples’ food, and then I found this red and yellow room... It hurts my head. Anywho, where are we? And, what time-period are we in? And can anyone give me directions back to R.V.?

Hiroko Alex

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...someone's been spending far too much time smoking something. Sounds more potent than Gillyweed. More like Maple roots....you need help.

- J

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I think you and this person have something in common James, experimental potions and all that.

-M

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While off your face on Gillyweed no less, you sure you haven't got a twin Prongs?

-S

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Yeah, I’m pretty sure I don't have a twin. And real funny, guys. I've told you, I’ve been clean for weeks! Give it a rest. Stop with the druggie jokes.

- J

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Hey, James, we just think you ought to see some help. This denial is going to ruin you, mate.

-S

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I'm telling you all, I’m clean! You can check the dorm; I’ve thrown out the stash.

- J

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YOU DID WHAT??!!?

- S

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I got rid of it. I don't use Gillyweed anymore. Sorry Sirius, but it's for the best.

- J

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That's great to hear James! You're making real progress.

-M

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Really now? How would you feel is I decided to just give up drinking and throw away my firewhiskey stash! I thought you were my friend James.

-S

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Relax Sirius, okay, I didn't throw it away. But I did put it somewhere where I won't be temped to use it. And I left you about half of it. It's in your trunk, under that history book you've never opened

- J

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Thank you James! I knew I was friends with you for a reason. You're the best!

- S

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And I was foolish enough to see a glimmer of hope, how could I be so naive.

-M

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........ evil monkeys?

-P

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At least I’m not using much anymore. Don't give up on me just yet.

- J

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Not using much? I thought you said you weren't using any? Lies, James, you're living in a web of lies.

-M

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Well, okay, me and Sirius were up on the roof the other night...but that was the first time in weeks. It's not like I use it almost everyday, like it was at one point. That was too much. I think I passed out in Defence Against the Dark Arts. But I've learned my lesson from that. And had it beaten into me by Lily. I've still got the bruises on my stomach.

- J

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She's quite abusive, isn't she?

-P

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...well, yeah, when she's worried. But the make up "date" afterwards made it all worth it.

- J

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See what this is doing to you? You're getting into abusive relationships and jeopardising your education! And Sirius, you're not helping any. Not to mention it's dangerous. You know, healers have recently discovered that chronic smoking of gillyweed can lead to fish-lung later in life? Think of what you're doing to your health.

-M

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Geez Moony, stop being so dramatic.

-S

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Yeah, chill out. Smoke some gillyweed.

- J

---

No James! Fight it! Sirius may be lost, but you can still save yourself!

-M

---

Why am I always the one being left for dead? Cold-hearted bastards.

-S

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And I think you're overacting there Remus. I am top of just about all my classes, and Lily loves me. She only hits me ‘cause she shares your opinion about drugs and wants me to stop. But she says it's okay sometimes. See? Compromise. I only smoke once a week, and she gets to talk to Chang. It's a great relationship. And don't worry Sirius, I won't ever leave you for dead. Unlike Moony, I actually care about my friends

- J

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It's for your own good James, your own good!

-M

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You use that excuse for everything. Like stealing my cheat notes all the time. And not letting me copy your homework.

-P

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What harm is it doing? Gillyweed's one of the more passive substances. It's not like Mandrake buds or Alihotsy leaves.

- J

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Yeah, Gillyweed does nothing, other than cause wondrous visions...and manic euphoria. Hmm, it's my third favourite thing after being drunk and being on a "date".

- S

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No hope, there is no hope.

-M

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You can hardly talk. I mean, were you or were you not smoking it with us all last month after that epic prank we pulled on Filch? I believe you were. Who are you to lecture us?

- J

---

.... well, er, that's different. Clearly. ... It was the peer pressure I say!

-M

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Peer pressure my ass. You were the one who suggested it. You're such a hypocrite!

- S

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There was peer pressure to suggest it. Anyway, you're ruining my reputation, someone has to set an example for the First Years.

-M

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Yeah, and it looks like you're not fit to hold that responsibility anymore, Moony. If we left it to you, they'd all be smoking in their dorms instead of attending class! What an outrage!

- J

---

Oh, really? Now who's being the hypocrite?

-M

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How? I'm all for attending lessons. Drugs are for weekends. I have a strict policy about that, Moony. You should know, you're usually there.

- J

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Yes, well, be quiet!

-M

---

Ouch! I don't know how you'll recover from that devastating blow, James.

-S

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Yes, well, now that Moony has been revealed for the fraud he is, let us address the question, and try to help this poor questioner out. (And you should probably keep your druggie opinions to yourself Moony. I don't want you to corrupt anyone else).

- J

---

Wait wait.... have James and Moony swapped places? Why is Moony the druggie and James the responsible one now? What did I miss?

-P

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Moony has been replaced Peter. His fraudulent ways have been uncovered and he shall be left to his druggie misery.

- S

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Oh, you are all ridiculous.

-M

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The poor, drugged up fool doesn't even know what he's saying. Druggie.

-S

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Indeed. Moony is clearly off his face into a fantasy land of muggle technology and Shakespeare. Unlike the rest of us, who are here, in England, at Hogwarts castle, in the roaring 1970's. And I have no idea what an R.V. is, let alone know the directions to one, so I’m afraid you're on your own there. (See what I did? I insulted Remus and answered the question in only two sentences. Pretty good, eh?)

- J

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Marvellous James, you are so terribly talented.

- M

---

It's OK, Moony, caaaaalllm doooooowwwnn.

-S

---

Oh, for the love of Merlin!

-M

---

Oh no! James! He's becoming a violent schizophrenic!

-S

---

Sirius, you're being ridiculous.

-M

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You've changed man, ever since you started doing those drugs, you've changed. You're not the Remus I used to know.

-S

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I know. Geeze. He's the perfect example of what can happen when you go overboard. Take that as a lesson Kids, just do drugs in moderation.

- J

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Sometimes I wonder why I'm even friends with you.

-M

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If I had a sickle for every time I heard that...I’d be even more rich than I already am...

- J

---

You're here for the drugs. James is your supplier.

- P

---

Oh really.

-M

---

See, he's so high he can hardly hear you.

-S

---

I am not high Sirius.

-M

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Such a waste of potential. He could've been so great, so powerful. But now he's just a dirty tramp, and all because of drug abuse.

- J

---

I'm a dirty tramp?

-M

---

Look! He admits it. First step, Remus. I'm proud of you.

-S

---

See, we're making progress already. There's hope for you yet, Remus my old friend.

- J

---

You people are so -- ugh, do I even need to say it?

-M

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Supportive? Loyal? Thanks, mate.

-S

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We know what you're trying to say, Remus, and you're welcome. We love you too.

- J

---

That's not exactly what I was going to say.

-M

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Oh really? Then what?

-S

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I would tell you, but my prefect sense of decorum says 'no'.

-M

---

See, he's just too afraid to admit how much he needs us right now. It's okay Remus, we're here for you.

- J

---

Oh, I really wish you weren't. You have no idea how much I wish you weren't.

-M

---

He's just trying to push us away because he thinks we'll only leave him in the end. That's only the drugs talking! This is what you've done to yourself Moony!

-S

---

Yeah, what you need is reassurance! I'd suggest a group hug, but I still remember what happened last time. Instead, Pete, you hug him. Go on, it's from all of us.

- J

---

But why me?

- P

---

Do you want Remus to become a depressed pile of drug abusing worthlessness? Do you really wish that on one of your closest friends???

- J

---

...no, of course not.

- P

---

Then go hug him, dammit!

- J

---

I'm fine Peter, really. Perhaps you should all return to the question? I have a feeling it will take a while to decipher.

-M

---

You would know, wouldn't you? Stoner.

-S

---

No, no, the question's already answered. Stop changing the subject. Peter, I don't care that Remus tells you, if you don't hug him right now, I’ll turn your ears into shrubs! He needs us!

- J

---

Fine, fine. No need to bring my ears into it.

- P

---

No, really, I'm fine, I'm-- oomf! ergh! I think you're suffocating me!

-M

---

I said hug! Not strangle. You're really not good at this, are you?

- J

---

Don't yell at me! I'm only doing what you said!

- P

---

Air! Need.... air...

-M

---

Somehow, I don't recall telling you to try and kill our dear, deeply troubled friend. Just get off him. Clearly you're not going to get it right.

- J

---

Look, could you all just stop this nonsense, it's getting old.

-M

---

.... YOU'RE getting old.

-S

---

Indeed. Drug abuse does cause early aging (at least in appearance). I think I can see a few wrinkles already

- J

---

You're all utterly useless.

-M

---

No, your face is -

- S

---

No. Stop right there Sirius. I thought you got over all that back in Fourth Year.

-M

---

....I thought your face got over it in fourth year...yeah, you're right. It just isn't as fun anymore.

- S

---

Well, I'm glad we cleared that up.

-M

---

Now we just need to clear up your drug addiction.

-S

---

Stop it. Stop it now, or I will hand all of your firewhiskey over to McGonagall.

-M

---

No, don't do that! Do you really want to turn our beloved teacher and House Head into an alcoholic? How could you, Remus? Addiction is not something you should spread around!

- J

---

OK, fine. This is all getting quite out of hand. You're getting quite out of hand. Anyway, in response the question we were supposed to be answering: making experimental potions whilst intoxicated or under the influence of drugs is not a good idea. Just look at James. Also, James does not know what an R.V. is. I do not know what and R.V. is. I'm not sure many people do. And, for the record, I am not a drug addict.

-M

---

Great, he's back to square one: denial. There's just no learning with you, is there?

- J

---

*sigh* here we go again..

- P

---

Oh, quiet you lot.

-M

I have a problem. A guy problem. I like this guy but he has a girlfriend, and to add to this mess of madness, he is also my best friend. I am in Ravenclaw I should be able to figure this out but I can’t. And short of getting the poor girl expelled or cursing her into oblivion I'm just not sure what to do!

- Wants more than a BFF

---

I dunno, getting her expelled sounds like a pretty good plan to me.

-S

---

That's a bit unjust Sirius, she hasn't done anything wrong.

-M

---

Well, it sounds like she shouldn't be selfish about it. I mean, maybe this guy and his girlfriend are really in love. In which case, she should probably try to get over him and find someone else.

- J

---

That could be it. But these sorts of things can be complicated. There are a wide variety of possibilities. Your friend may like you back, but think you're not interested and so dismiss his feelings. Or, he may only have ever considered you a good friend. I suppose the safest option would be to wait, if their relationship doesn't work out (without the help of sabotage that is) then you can make your move. And if it does, then you know he doesn't have feelings for you and you can carry on with your life and try to get over him. I suppose.

-M

---

Ah, predictable Moony. Always with the safe option. My advice is sabotage away. I can give you some great tips.

-S

---

Nah, Sirius, I agree with Moony here. Interfering with someone else's relationship isn't cool. Unless you have proof that there's something wrong, and you therefore need to intervene, but otherwise, no, that’s just cruel. I mean, I’d hate it if someone tried to break me and Lily up simply because they wanted me for their self. When it comes to relationships, you have to consider the feelings of both people involved.

– J

---

But James, if all you ever do is wait and do nothing then everything will just pass you by! You have to take action! Besides, what I'm suggesting isn't really sabotage. Just a sort of nudging along a path they're bound to take anyway. Getting them there a bit faster. It's charitable really, my way they don't have to waste time gaffing about, and can get straight down to business.

-S

---

Trying to woo someone's girlfriend/boyfriend isn't being very considerable of the feelings of the person's involved. Nor is it honourable. I know you have no problem taking whoever you like regardless, but nice and considerate people have the sense of decency not to go after someone who is already exclusive. You have to respect the boundaries of the relationship. And those boundaries don't include seeing whoever else they want on the side. A relationship is about exclusiveness. It's the whole point!

- J

---

Exclusiveness? Maybe for you. But that’s so boring. Life if about being exciting and spontaneous. You can’t let something as silly as “exclusiveness” get in the way.

- S

---

Clearly. Committed relationships are so droll; five-minute flings are all the rage. Really, Sirius. Your insight astounds me.

- M

---

Hey, I take offence to that. It’s more like fifteen minutes.

- S

---

I stand corrected, my deepest apologies.

-M

---

Yeah, well, you should be sorry.

-S

---

I was being sarcastic Sirius. Sarcasm. You have heard that word before haven't you?

-M

---

No, I’ve never heard of this sarcasm thing you speak of.

- S

---

Haha, good irony, Sirius.

- J

---

Do you even know what irony is James?

-M

---

Ironing? Isn't that some muggle thing?

-P

---

Of course I know what irony is. Do you know what FUN is, Moony?

- J

---

Oh, he's got you there Moony.

- S

---

Oh, good one. Hilarious.

-M

,

---

Of course it's hilarious. I'm James, not Moony. I know how to crack jokes. Unlike some people. Mr. Calling-McGonagall-a-sexually-frustrated-hag-isn't-funny-at-all

- J

---

I never said that. When did I say that? Never. You, sir, are making things up. You slanderous fiend.

-M

---

Sure we are. And Peter's top of the class.

- J

---

...wait a second. I'm not top of the class...am I?

- P

---

I have fun. We've had this conversation, and I'm pretty sure we came to the conclusion that I have fun.

-M

---

Reading isn't fun.

-S

---

It is if you actually know how to read.

-M

---

Haha, I’ve got to side with Remus there. Nice call.

- J

---

What? You betrayer! You're changing more sides than the French!

- S

---

I can read. See. R-E-A-D-I-N-G.

- P

---

That's spelling, not reading, Pete. And Sirius, I haven't seen you actually read in years. And the comics in the Daily Prophet don't count.

- J

---

They do so count. That is some literary genius right there. You can take your 'classics' and shove them up your –

-S

---

Sirius, please. Think of the First Years.

-M

---

Yeah, think of those who are more literate than you. And be ashamed.

- J

---

Yeah, well, YOU should be ashamed. Of your FACE... no wait, of your MUM'S FACE. Yeah, take that. Tossers.

-S

---

You know, it's the stupid and the over-compensating who divert everything with petty jokes and insults.

- J

---

I'm sure you'd know all about that wouldn't you?

-S

---

I'm not the one resorting to "your mum" jokes.

- J

---

Haha, James insulted Sirius...I think. I dunno. Whenever he says something smart like that, it's usually an insult.

- P

---

You say that now, but this is really all just a manifestation of you boundless envy of my unbridled manliness and popularity, a deep jealousy that has been building up since you were a First Year and noticed how much better my hair is than yours.

- S

---

Bravo, Sirius, Freud would be proud.

-M

---

...right, that’s exactly it. It all comes down to my jealousy of your hair. Whatever you want to believe, Sirius.

- J

---

Yeah, exactly. You can't deny the truth James, the truuuuuuuuuth.

-S

---

Honestly, Sirius, you are impossible.

-M

---

Truuuuuuuuuuth, Moony, truuuuuth.

- S

---

Great he's doing that annoying thing again. Stop being a prat Sirius.

- J

---

You’re just scared of the truuuuuuth James. I knew you wouldn't be able to handle it. Truuuuuuuuth.

-S

---

If you start quoting bad muggle movies again, I swear I’ll gag you with your own socks.

- J

---

Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn!

-S

---

That’s it, Pete, hold him down for me.

- J

---

But, he keeps wriggling. It's worse than when he's a dog............. I mean, than when he's, uh, pretending to be a dog. And, um, woofing. And biting things.

- P

---

And sniffing people's backsides.

-M

---

And drooling on my sheets (seriously, how does he even get to them? Do you sleep on my bed or something, Sirius?)

- J

---

What? You people are talking nonsense. I don't do anything like that. Although...I do take naps in some strange places...

- S

---

I knew it. Stay off my bed!

- J

---

Yes Sirius, you never know what's been on there. It's not hygienic I tell you.

- M

---

I can tell you exactly what's been on my bed. Me. and occasionally Lily. And now, apparently Sirius. Anyone I’m missing?

- J

---

...I didn't want to say anything...but well...you do have the comfiest mattress.

- P

---

Yes, well, you see? I bet it's just swimming with all sorts of germs and vermin (no offence Peter) and fleas (no thanks to Sirius) and all sorts of unsanitary things. Let this be a lesson to all of you.

-M

---

Great. I'm going to have to set up trap spells and wards to keep all you filth off.

- J

---

Good man James, upholding sanitation standards in the interest of public health and safety. I'm proud of you.

-M

---

Yes. And I don't want Lily catching any fleas or STD's because of Sirius.

- J

---

What's an STD?

-P

---

It's an acronym which stands for Stupid Tosser Disease, I'm afraid Sirius's case is very severe. There's no hope for him, no hope at all.

-M

---

Hey, you people don't know anything! Stop spreading rumours! I don't have anything. But if I did, it wouldn't surprise me if Lily got it. Since, you know, she loves me way more than that tosser. And by that I mean James.

- S

---

Ooooooooooh, low blow.

-P

---

...Don't make jokes like that Sirius. You're going too far. I know you're not sleeping with Lily. Now shut up.

- J

---

Yes Sirius, if you go around saying things like that, James is bound to put some sort of potion in your hair. That's right, your hair. And then you would make a fuss for weeks and poor, innocent bystanders such as myself would never get any peace and quiet.

- M

---

Oh no, not my hair! What would Lily have to hold on to then when I've got her pushed up against the broom cupboard walls?

- S

---

I have a very bad feeling about this. Just a hunch. It has something to do with the sudden chill in the air, and the purple colour of James' face.

-P

---

...I thought I told you to stop.

- J

---

Shit. He looks really mad

- P

---

Okay, right, let's not do anything we'll regret. It's his STD James, he can't help it, he's very ill. Let's all take a deep breath, and calm down. Okay?

- M

---

Yeah, ill enough to f*** her last night

- S

---

Garragh!

- J

---

Wow, James just jumped on Sirius and now he's strangling him. I can't believe he managed to jump over the table...

- P

---

I don't have the energy to deal with this. Sometimes I think we need to lock those two in a dungeon and leave them there for a week or so. Or, you know, maybe a bit longer. I'm sure I could get used to the blissful quiet. Maybe one day I'll even stop looking over my shoulder every two seconds to make sure no one's standing behind me with something green and slimy to put it down the back of my shirt. One day....

-M

---

Gaaagh, Help...me...

- S

---

No Sirius, I'm afraid you deserve it this time. Well, that's not to say you didn't deserve it all the other times too.... But you deserve it especially this time.

-M

---

HOW DARE YOU SPEAK SUCH LIES ABOUT MY LILY FLOWER, YOU BASTARD!

- J

---

...Moony, do you think we should do something? Sirius is turning blue.

- P

---

DIE YOU LYING TWAT!!

- J

---

Sirius is always turning strange and unusual colours. It gets tiresome after a while. But, yes, I suppose if he suffocated there would be a bit of a ruckus... James, if you wouldn't mind ceasing your violent revenge, we could all go to the kitchens or something... and maybe take Sirius to the hospital wing...

-M

---

Lily...chokes...me...better...when....we...fu....

- S

---

HE DOESN'T DESERVE MEDICAL ATTENTION!

- J

---

Be that as it may, do you really want to spend the rest of your days wasting away in prison? Because that's what will happen James. Prison. And wasting away. Gratuitous amounts of wasting away. And weeping. There will be much of that too, especially from you. It will be terrible and waste-y and weepy and believe me James, it's just not worth it.

-M

---

And...I'll...be...fu**ing...Lily...while...you're...gone...

-S

---

NOT IF YOU'RE DEAD, YOU WON'T!!

- J

---

Good work on the swearing-filter spell, Moony. It did come in handy

- P

---

Yes, well, someone needs to think of the First Years. I'm sure we've already caused irreparable trauma, I don't want to be held responsible for any bleeding eyes, because honestly, those two just can't seem to restrain themselves.

-M

---

Lily...likes...it...in...the...** -

- S

---

You know, it's like Sirius doesn't care that James is strangling him. Because I'm pretty sure that that glint in James' eye is the murderous one. Does Sirius want to die?

- P

---

Maybe. Or maybe they're having some sort of competition, Who Can Get Their Face To Turn The Most Amusing Colour? It could be that too. My vote's on James, I like the sort of splotchy redish purplish pink thing he's got going on. Sirius is just a boring blue colour. Although arguably there could be some purple in there too. Maybe indigo.

-M

---

I...f**ked...Lily...ha –

- S

---

What the bloomin’ hell is going on here?

- L

---

Lily!

- J

---

I keep telling them that we're going to get interrupted if we keep doing the Advice Thingy in the common room.

- P

---

James, why are you strangling Sirius? You're not usually a violent person.

- L

---

He kept saying the most terrible things about you! I was protecting your honour.

- J

---

What kinds of thinks was Sirius saying about me?

- L

---

You don't really want to be asking that question.

-M

---

Oh hey Lily. Nothing. I wasn't saying anything at all.

- S

---

He was claiming that he...that he...*whisper* deflowered you

- J

---

Did he now…

- L

---

Yep, I heard him!

- P

---

So, you, Mr Black, were making these outrageous claims, lying just to get my poor Jamsie all riled up?

- L

---

...ah...maybe…

- S

---

I don't like liars, Mr Black. Do you know what I do to liars?

- L

---

Eep!

- S

---

She's very scary!

– P

---

...do you make them cookies?

- S

---

No. I throw them out windows.

- L

---

Oh shit –

- S

---

Lily Evans: enjoys sunsets, long walks on the beach and throwing Sirius off of tall towers.

- P

---

*window smashing noises*

---

NNNNOOOOOOooooooo!

- S

---

Wow, great throw.

- J

---

I don't like bastards who say things like that. I mean, I know I’m irresistible, but really, enough's enough.

- L

---

Yes, indeed. You should play Quidditch, you'd far outshine James I'm sure.

-M

---

Hey, that's an idea. (And don't lie Moony. we all know I’m the best at Quidditch.)

- J

---

Sure you are, Jamsie. I don't know about Quidditch though. I wouldn't get to attack Sirius if he's on the same team as me.

- L

---

...is anyone else worried about Sirius? I mean, it is a loooong was down to the ground from up here. He could be hurt.

- P

---

I doubt it. If there's one thing I know for sure about people like him, it's that you're never rid of them that easily.

-L

---

Yeah, he's like a cockroach. A very annoying, filthy, flea-ridden cockroach.

- J

---

Maybe the impact will teach him to stop spreading lies about me again. I mean, as if I would sleep with him. Why would I go second best when I’ve already got the nicest, hottest and best man in the school?

- L

---

Is it even physically possible for a cockroach to be flea-ridden?

-M

---

Oi, stop talking about my cock, you perverts.

-S

---

Sirius, mind your language. And how on earth did you get back here so quickly?

-M

---

Well, it's a very looong and interesting story. With many looong and interesting twists and turns and several looong and interesting sex scenes, and several more looong and intersting orgy scenes and at least five looooong and interesting scenes in which I torture James.

-S

---

...what have we told you about using your imagination, Sirius? It's dangerous. Now stop.

- J

---

I thought that was me.

-P

---

You too.

- J

---

You're just snooty because of all the torture. And because you weren't in any of the orgy parts. Jealous bugger.

- S

---

Speaking of orgies, do you remember Jenna, Sirius?

- L

---

No. No I do not. There is no such person. Never was. Never will be. Ever. Jenna? I know no Jenna. In fact, I don't know anyone who's name even rhymes with Jenna. Like... Lenna or Penna, or... something else.

-S

---

Sure. Well, it wasn't just Jenna. It was also Cindy. And Catherine. And do you know what they all told me the other day?

-L

---

Nothing. These people do not exist. Their non-existence isn't even in question. In fact, they don't exist soo very much that as soon as you mention their names you too will cease to exist.

-S

---

Oh, what did they say?

- J

---

They said that when they were on their "dates" with you, Sirius, you were so bad, they were faking.

- L

---

Hahaha, that’s so funny....what does it mean?

- P

---

It has no meaning. It's one of the rhetorical Zen statements or whatever that warrant no further discussion.

-S

---

It means that Sirius isn't very manly. I mean, if you can't...do that (I'm thinking of the First Years, Moony), then...well, it's just bad. I don't know. I'm not a boy. I don't understand the mentality behind it, but I know it's an insult. Isn't that right, James?

- L

---

Yeah, that’s it. Sirius is a pathetic twat. You never fake when we're together, right?

- J

---

Of course not. Don't worry James, if you were bad, I’d tell you.

- L

---

Thanks...I think...

- J

---

Great, and I thought you were over all the gross couple-talk. Get a room (but not our dorm because Lily might get the Stupid Tosser Disease from all of Sirius' drool on James' sheets. I'm not sure what the symptoms are, but I think it has something to do with being really irritating a lot of the time...)

-P

---

Haha, nice one Pete. Come on Lily, let's go to the Restricted Section of the Library and leave these people to their loneliness.

- J

---

Oh, I love the restricted section. It's so peaceful. I'll show you what I learned from this book

- L

---

....And by "book" she means "Sirius"...

-S

---

Don't you ever learn?

- L

---

*punch*

---

Ah, fuck, you broke my nose!

- S

---

You know, I could have told you that earlier. I know from vast oceans of experience that Sirius never learns.

-M

---

Let's go.

- J

---

...Moony, are James and Lily always going to keep leaving us to go to mysterious places all the time?

- P

---

Fortunately.

-M

---

My beautiful nose! Ruined! Destroyed! My heavenly face marred forevermore! How will the world live with this devastating loss? Why? Why? Oh cruel world!

-S

---

Your nose isn't broken Sirius, stop being such a baby.

-M

---

He's getting blood in the carpet.

- P

---

Baby? So far I have been insulted, strangled, thrown out the window and punched in the face. Thanks for the sympathy, friend.

- S

---

You're welcome.

–M

---

It's not like you don't deserve it. I mean, I’m the dumb one, and even I know not to keep an...taga...nisi...ng someone when they're choking you.

- P

---

Yeah...well...shut up.

- S

---

Very nice Sirius. Anyway, all violence aside, I'm fairly certain we were in the middle of answering a question before the advice thingy once again degenerated into blood, sweat and tears. And blotchy colourful faces. And, you know, the usual.

-M

---

Yeah. Colourful. Why did you do it, anyway, Sirius? Are you mad? Do you like getting beaten up by Lily? Are you a dominatrix?

- P

---

...how is it that you can't say 'antagonising', but you know the word dominatrix?

- S

---

He's spent too much time around you.

-M

---

I also know the word 'impotent'.

- P

---

And the word 'erectile dysfunction.'

- P

---

...let’s just answer the damn question.

- S

---

I'm pretty sure it was another one of those 'love triangle' questions.

- M

---

Okay then. Take my advice; don’t get caught up in a love triangle. Because some girls can hit. And like to throw innocent people out windows. It's too much trouble.

- S

---

I don't know if I’d call you innocent...

- P

---

And that's not exactly a love triangle. It's a straight line, but with a sort of prickly zig-zag thing within close proximity of it.

-M

---

Who're you calling a zig-zag? I'm at least a hexagon. Or a hexagonal prism, I trump all of you, I'm three dimensional.

-S

---

...di-men-ton-al?

- P

---

I wish James was here. He'd know what to do.

- P

---

No he wouldn't, he'd just laugh at Sirius some more. And maybe get stroppy and violent. And then rant about Lily. And then Lily would somehow be mysteriously summoned by the sound of his voice saying the nauseating words "Lily-flower" and they'd disappear again, much to the universal delight of all left behind. Speaking of leaving, I think this is rather enough silliness for today. We should all be off to bed and Sirius that doesn't mean what you think it means.

-M

---

Don't patronise me. And besides, how could I even think of something like that when my BLOODY NOSE IS BROKEN! What is this? Pick-on-Sirius Day?

- S

---

Oh, I know the answer to the question! The girl should tell her best friend that she likes him and see what he says. I can't think of anything bad that could come from this. Not at all. And stop dripping blood, Sirius. It's getting on my shoes!

- P

---

Well, I think that wraps it all up quite nicely. And, Sirius, Peter has a point. You're ruining the carpet.

-M

---

Well aren't you lot just so considerate. How about I go bleed in the corner? Is that better?

- S

---

Much better.

- P

---

I hate you guys.

- S

---

We love you too.

- P

A/N: Wow, we’ve been gone for a while now, eh? Sorry about that. Uni and School turned out to be too much for us to handle while juggling MAT, so we put it on hold for a bit. And then Shoey went to Europe and abandoned me for 3 weeks…so yeah, hence the late post…but hey, better late than never, right?

We had a lot of fun with this chapter. I especially loved the last question. Sirius is so fun to write :D

Well, thanks for reading (especially those of you who have been following this fic for a while) and I hope you’ll continue to enjoy our work in the future :D

~ Tiger-cub684

Hello there! Sorry for the long wait, it was mostly my fault for going away to Europe and then being inconceivably busy upon my return. I apologise! Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter! Thankyou so much for all of your kind reviews! It really means a lot to us :) And thankyou for all your questions! Without them we would be lost! Lost I say!

Gratuitous apologies and gratuitous thanks all ‘round!

~discombobulated shoe