“Pretzel Logic”

A Chase Young Story

By

That Guy In Everclear

Master Fung wakes up to the sound of Steely Dan in the morning. He gets up and rings the bell to wake up the other Xiaolin Dragons, mainly Raimundo Pedrosa, Kimiko Tohomiko, Clay Bailey, and that yellow kid Omi.

In the hut, they wake up to the sound and run to the showers. They take them and get on their robes. They run to Master Fung, who is still listening to Steely Dan. Omi takes the headphones off of Master Fung and says to him, “Remember? You can’t hear about the Dan! They based Owen Wilson for unknown reasons!” Master Fung throws Omi back to his spot and says to the Dragons, “Since to Omi trying to make me not listen to Steely Dan, I’m gonna play it.”

Master Fung turns on the stereo and tunes it to Steely Dan 24/7, a station that plays most Steely Dan, but some Walter Becker and Donald Fagen. All of the monks try to meditate to the jazz-rock, but they can’t do it because they want to rock out to “Hey Nineteen” or make a movie about “Cousin Dupree”.

Meanwhile, at the Village Recorder in Santa Monica, Chase and Wuya are producing the Dan’s new album, “We Are Awesome (So Owen Wilson Can Use The Bathroom While Being Slapped With Lawsuits By Us)” until the sound of “Pretzel Logic” comes in the air. Chase says to Wuya, “Stupid Steely Dan music. They should ban it.” Becker and Fagen heard and they jump out of the studio. They fight Wuya and Chase, but due to them being pretty good warriors, they get beaten.

The Dan strikes back and shoot out some beam into Wuya and Chase’s eyes. Suddenly, they lose their evil (the bad, bad evil) and fall down onto the floor. Donald says to them, “We’re Steely Dan and we’re back! Now to send you to somewhere to make this story even more confusing!” and throws the Heylin forces into the sky towards the Xiaolin Temple.

Meanwhile, at the temple, Master Fung is showing a new Shen Gong Wu to the Dragons. It is the Sword of Robin-The-Not-So-Brave-As-Sir-Lancelot, aka the Sword of Hannibal Roy Bean. It can cut the soul out of a person and make them turn into 2 men that we’ve probably heard of. Raimundo asks Fung, “Can it turn you into your love interests, Fagen and Becker?” Fung says to Rai, “Yes, it can, but I’m not in love with STEELY DAN!” Suddenly, Chase and Wuya fall down from the sky and land on the floor, unconscious.

The Dragons head towards the Heylin forces and start beating them with aluminum baseball bats. Suddenly, Les Claypool comes to them and pours cheese all over them. He leaves. Wuya gets up and says to the Dragons, “Steely Dan’s attacking!” The Dragons try to run towards Dojo, but Wuya trips them, having not lost her pranking powers. Raimundo says to Wuya, “What happened to you?” She replies, “Steely Dan attacked us and now, we’re good. Suddenly, I feel like doing TP on Chase.” Chase gets up and sprays whipped cream all over her. He says, “That’s called Dolores Erickson! A-ha!” and sprays it on Raimundo and Kimiko.

Master Fung says to the Heylin forces, “Why are you acting idiotic? Why is Wuya pranking the Dragons? Why do you have blue eyes, Chase?” Chase says to the master, “I don’t know. We should join you.” Master Fung says to them, ironically, “Probably.”

Suddenly, he snaps his fingers to “Do It Again” and the Heylin forces get robes, as they are Xiaolin Monks. He says to them, “What about Jack Spicer?” Wuya says to him, “He’s in here” and shows the puzzle box to him. She opens it to reveal Danny Cooksey from Bad4Good, a heavy metal band that is one of the world’s best (and the world’s most mediocre) groups. She says to Fung, “My parents were kings and queens and they made me be a freakin’ jester. I don’t wanna be one!” and uses the bathroom in her pants. Chase backs away from her, saying, “Ewww…you messed up your pants.”

An hour later, Wuya is in new pants and Chase is doing the Disco Duck. Fung is yelling at them. Suddenly, the horn is blown and the Dan land in front of the temple. They say to the Dragons, “Yeah! We’re back! We’re back! We’re gonna take over the world!”

Wuya wakes up from the dream right next to Chase Young, who is sleeping next to her. They had rented a house in North Carolina and were going to go on a date tonight. She gets out of the bed and puts on her black-and-purple robe and some socks. She walks to Chase’s side of the bed and pushes him. He wakes up and says to her, “The alarm didn’t ring! The alarm didn’t ring!” She says to him, “Chase, get up. We have to find Shen Gong Wu today!” He gets up from the bed and puts on his armor.

Wuya puts on some skate shoes and runs to the Lamborghini Ferrini. Chase gets in and they drive to a Bojangle’s. At the drive-thru, Wuya and Chase order 2 chicken biscuits, BoTatoes, and Pepsi. They eat them on the way to the studios aptly named the Village Recorder.

There, Steely Dan is there, waiting for Chase and Wuya to go in to record their new album. They do that and start producing the tracks…

As you know, the Dan is made of Walter Becker and Donald Fagen, 2 middle-aged men that performed since the late 1960s. They made all these albums for the American Broadcasting Corporation (that’s why Monica Kaufman put them on Oprah in 1997) until ABC Records was bought by MCA and folded into it, as in ABC Records is defunct. That’s why the Dan broke up.

Why Wuya wearing shoes? I’m tired of seeing her going barefooted in about every episode she’s “in the flesh”. Why? Why? Why? I decided to make her wear shoes okay?

At the studio, Chase is having a headache and is drinking the Lao Mang Long Soup until he turns into a lizard. Donald walks on by and sees Chase’s transformation. He says to him, “Are you nuts?” Chase replies in lizard language, “Yeah. I’m nuttier than the guy who said ‘Paul is dead’.” Donald replies back, “I do understand lizard. You understand English. Deal?” Chase says, “Deal. I was just drinking my soup for the headache. I shouldn’t have drunken it 1,500 years ago. Recently, Omi told me that if I didn’t drink it, Guan would’ve.” Donald walks to him and says, “Don’t worry, I’ll get your soul back.”

Wuya hears this and kicks Donald in the face. She says to him, “If you make Chase good again, I will take over your friend Becker!” Walter walks by and sees the kick. He then hurts Wuya to an extent that her fingers are broken. He says to her, “We’re secret agents Donald Fagen and Walter Becker for the Xiaolin Dragons and we’re bringing back Chase. He was behind it ever since ’72.”

“Ever since ’72, ever since ‘72”, the words got stuck in her head as it was in reference to the release date of “Can’t Buy A Thrill”. The agents grab the unconscious Chase, who almost overdosed on Lao Mang Long Soup, and put him in the Tunnel Armadillo. They drill all the way back to the temple, while Wuya slowly gets into a fetal position and says to the world, “The Heylin side is through! The Heylin side is through!”

At the temple, the agents arrive with Chase and put him in a cage overlooking the dining room. He wakes up and says to Donald, “Wait! Wait! Why did you put me here? Why? WHY!”

An hour later, the Dragons arrive with fruits to throw at him. They say, “Gong Yi Tampai!” and start throwing the fruit at him. He says to them, “Don’t! No! No! No!” Meanwhile, in his mind, the blows to his head from the fruit are making him dumb and making him weak. Suddenly, the mind that processes his sanity goes down and it is uploaded by every Steely Dan lyric ever made since 1972.

He says to them, “I would love to tour the Southland! Do it again! Do it again! We’re turning it around and round!” The monks throw more fruit at him and he starts crying tears of blood.

An hour later, after the monks threw fruits at Chase, he gets into a fetal position and says to himself, “Kiss me, Cousin Dupree! Kiss me! Please, do it again! Are you reeling in the years? Please do it again!” He starts crying. Suddenly, Omi sneaks in and says to Chase, “Chase, we’re gonna make you good. Just trust me. We had to do that to you in order not to make anybody get addicted to your anarchy-esque ideas.” Chase replies, “They got the Steely Dan T-shirt, Cousin Dupree. They got it. I plan to find the time to meet Napoleon. Hey, nineteen. Don’t wait for the fez to be in Aja. We’re turning round and round.”

Omi gets confused and says to Chase, “You’re promoting more ideas than Steely Dan does in their songs.” He leaves the dining room and Chase says to Omi, “Hey, nineteen! Hey, nineteen! Hey, nineteen!” He starts crying himself to sleep.

At night, Becker and Fagen get Chase out of the cage and put him in a room full of Steely Dan music. He wakes up, as he is listening to his own language at the moment. He says to the speakers, “Turning round and round, making movies of themselves, and have a Steely Dan t-shirt, I say. I’m really reelin’ in the years.”

TO BE CONTINUED