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A/N: Hello my dear readers! I suddenly got an inspiration kick and started to continue on TRC! So here it is, the long awaited 5th chapter! I am sorry for the very long delay!
Warnings: OOCness (as usual), Shounen ai, swearing. (And it looks like a bit of SasukNaru/NaruSasu is showing up 83)
Disclaimer: -sigh- I do not own the right of Naruto because Santa Claus does, he just haven't given it to me yet. Really... MASASHI KISHIMOTO.
I was on the verge of going into insanity and I swear I could have run to the kitchen and forced a knife from someone. But instead I bit myself in my lower lip, and I bit hard. I didn't let go before I could feel the metallic taste of blood filling my mouth and I didn't stop before a dull throbbing pain in my lip told me to stop for my own safety.
When I had stopped my biting I took a deep breath to at least try and calm myself down a bit. It didn't work and then the panic struck me like a lightning as I looked around myself, everything was a complete mess.
I had turned practically everything upside-down or inside-out in my crazy search for something sharp, but I hadn't found anything to cut me with. No luck at all... Or well, maybe it was lucky that I didn't find what I looked for.
"Damn... Damnit!" I growled and then punched a wall that was close to me, "I... Fuck it... I can't... I can't let him down..." I then told myself as I collected the little sanity I had left in my body for the moment. Then I made my way out from the room.
I simply had to call Itachi. Because I wasn't sure I would be able to keep the promise I had made with him. That promise to him that said that I wouldn't hurt myself again... In this state I would be able to do really nasty things to myself. I am even pretty sure I could have killed myself right on spot if I had found something sharp.
I walked fast when I reached the common room, I simply threw a quick glance around the room to see what everyone else was up to. Apparently most of them seemed to be watching TV, or rather fighting over what to watch on the TV. I didn't care, just hurried past them and walked up to the reception where Aiko sat, reading some magazine as usual.
"Telephone." I simply said and tapped my fingers against the reception desk in a stressed manner, "I have to make an important call." I then added and impatiently waited for Aiko to hand over the phone.
Aiko frowned slightly and put her magazine down, I guess she noticed my very stressed and odd behaviour, "Could you tell me who it is you need to call so badly, Uchiha-kun?" She asked as she pushed up her glasses a bit on her nose.
"Is that really important?" I snapped in irritation and then she looked at me with a deeper frown and I sighed, "My brother, could I PLEASE get the phone now?" I then begged.
God, it took all my strength to not shout at her to simply hand over the fucking phone. It felt very weird for me to act the way I did, and think the way I did... It was like someone else was controlling both my body and my actions and I was simply allowed to watch what happened through my own eyes.
Aiko suspiciously eyed me but after a few seconds she turned around and with a sigh she handed me the phone, to my surprise. I was sure that she was going to question me further about it. I muttered a short thanks before I then hurried back to my room, so no one else would be able to hear what the call was about. I didn't want to worry anyone.
As soon as I had closed the door behind me I sat down on my bed and then dealt Itachi's cellphone number, since I had no interests at all in talking to my parents at the moment. And I don't think they would want to talk to me either for that sake... But who cares, I only want to speak to Itachi.
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
The signals echoed in the phone. Damn... I just hope he would pick up fast. I sighed and pushed myself out from the bed, I couldn't sit still. I started to pace around the mess in my room.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
I sighed and bit my lip once more, only to once more feel the taste of blood back into my mouth again... If my damned brother just could pick up the god damned phone already! Hadn't Itachi been the one to tell me that I always could call him when I needed to talk? Well, now I was calling him but did he pick up? No, the bastard didn't!
Beep. Beep. Beep. Bee-
Right as I was about to give up and hang up the beeping was cut of.
"Uchiha Itachi, speaking."
"You couldn't pick up a little faster, could you Itachi?" I asked with a very irritated tone, even if I knew it probably wasn't on purpose... But who could blame me? I wasn't really myself for the moment.
There was a short moment of silence before my brother replied. I guess it simply took him some time to register that it was I, his brother, who had called him, since I hadn't presented myself.
"...Sasuke?" Ah... I was in the shower." Itachi said, "You... Is... Is something wrong, Sasuke?" He then suddenly asked, sounding very worried.
"Yeah, something is very wrong! I am going fucking mad!" I said in a desperate and angry voice, "Itachi... In this pace I am not sure I can keep my promise much longer..." I then added in a low voice.
"...What do you mean, Sasuke?" Itachi asked sounding very serious, he probably understood what I had meant, but he wanted me to really confirm what I had meant, so I couldn't go into denial later.
"You... Itachi... I am itching... Itching for something sharp." I said straight out to him, "Itachi, I want to cut... No, no... I need to cut! I have turned my room upside down in search for something sharp, I am seriously going crazy! Please Itachi... You have to help me! What should I do?" I asked him with a pleading voice as I sank down to the floor and rested my head against a wall.
"Damn it, Sasuke... How long have you been feeling like this for now?" Itachi asked. Through the phone he sounded angry and worried... Of course he had all rights to be angry at me since I after all had promised him to not hurt myself again. But it was much easier said than done.
"Just a damn hour! ...And I don't know what I will do if I lose control." I said weakly into the phone, "I may kill myself... And I don't want to... die." I finally said and closed my eyes.
"And you wont die." Itachi said with a stern and firm voice, "Listen to me Sasuke, you have to tell someone about this so there's someone on the inside that can help you. Since I only can visit you once a week I can't do much." He told me clearly and calmly. He was probably talking like this to calm me down, he could have yelled at me... And I guess he wanted to yell at me but then I would probably only end up feeling worse. And then... It would have been possible to me to end my life.
"Don't you even suggest the psychologist here! I don't like that Orochimaru guy at all. And he doesn't help, he only works for money, not helping." I said and noticed how I felt a lot calmer by simply talking to Itachi.
"I understand... But it can be anyone, remember that. As long as it is someone you trust, Sasuke." Itachi said softly, "It doesn't have to be a psychologist to help you."
"...Naruto." I said after I had thought about it for a while, "I trust Naruto most of all."
"Great. When you hang up I want you to find Naruto ASAP and tell him." Itachi said sternly and then he went silent for a while before talking again, "...How are you feeling now?"
"It's... It's better than before. Not suicidal at least." I said with a sigh, "Thank you, aniki. I really needed to talk or else I might have... you know." I added and bit my now very swollen lip, but I soon stopped the biting since the dull throbbing pain came back.
"I'm glad you called me. Remember to never hesitate if you ever want to talk to me, Sasuke." Itachi said softly, "Now do us both a favour and find Naruto so you'll get it done. And we'll see each other at Sunday." He then said.
"Yeah... Take care, Itachi." I replied before I hung up on him and then with a sigh got up from the floor. I took a deep breath and looked over my room once again, I guess I should have cleaned up but first thing I did was to go back to the reception and leave the phone to Aiko.
"Ehm... I am sorry, I didn't mean to snap like that earlier." I muttered as I handed over the phone, she only smiled and shook her head as she looked up from the magazine.
"It's okay, Uchiha-kun," She said lightly as she took the phone and then put it away, "Everyone has their bad days now and then."
I just nodded and gave her a short smile before I went on my Naruto search... I actually found him in the sofa, seemed that he and the others were watching a film on one of film channels. The girls didn't look happy about it.
I sneaked up as quietly as I could and from behind I lightly tapped Naruto's shoulder so I wouldn't get everyone's attention. They would only be... Troublesome, as Shikamaru would put it.
"...Sasuke?" Naruto said in a pretty low and surprised voice when he saw that it was me, "Wasn't you going to sleep? ...Are you okay?" He then asked with a worried face expression, just what to expect from the blond.
"Uhm... Naruto, can we talk in private?" I whispered and looked at him with pleading eyes, he must have understood that it was very important so I sneaked back to my room and waited for a minute for Naruto to come.
When the door opened up and Naruto entered the room his eyes widened as he looked over to see what a mess I had created, "Bloody hell, Sasuke! What have you done here?" He almost shouted as in surprise as he looked at me.
I hushed him and then closed the door, "I... I tried to find something sharp." I said, I thought it was best to go straight to the point why I wanted to talk with him. I noticed how Naruto looked at me in horror and his eyes darted over me to check for wounds and blood.
"Don't tell me you..."
"I didn't... I have some sanity left inside." I said with a sigh as I sat down in my bed, Naruto joined me, "This is why I want to talk..."
Naruto looked at me and then nodded, "Just talk then." He said and rested his head in one of his hands.
"I... Well, since I was on the verge to possibly kill myself today I... I just wonder if there's a chance that you maybe could at least try to keep an eye on me...?" Sasuke asked as he looked down at his hands, "Cause when I felt to cut it was like someone else took control over my body. I couldn't control my actions and it was first when I thought of Itachi that I managed to get some sanity and control back." I explained.
Naruto looked at me with sadness in his eyes and he was just about to say something but I started to talk again.
"I... I am scared I might kill myself Naruto... I might kill myself for no reason at all." I said in a whisper as I looked straight into Naruto's eyes, my fear could clearly be seen in my own eyes, "Please, Naruto, help me."
"Of course." Naruto said after a while and smiled sadly, "You don't have to beg me for something like that. I will keep an eye one you as often as possible... Two when I can." He then said and smiled.
I let out a relieved sigh and closed my eyes for a while. Good, if he knew then I would probably get no chance to get something sharp. At least not when he's goof, I don't think I can count on him when he is in depression... Then he's the one who needs support. I looked up at him after a while.
"Thank you, Naruto." I said softly and smiled lightly, "I really appreciate it. I don't know who else I could have told... Thanks."
"You're more than welcome, Sasuke." Naruto said and smiled.
I snorted lightly after a while and then shook my head, "Seem i got more problems than I thought... You know, the day I got stuck here I was in denial and blamed it all on a bad day. Now I think it might be good that I am here, cause I have discovered all kinds of problems I have..." I said and looked up into the ceiling, "And it's kinda nice to not have them around me, their complaint was killing me. I really hope my mother won't bring father here." I then added more to myself. I was sure it would only end up with me any my father getting into a nasty verbal fight, maybe even a fist fight if it got really heated.
"Well, I think you at least should try to talk with the psychologist about this, even if you don't want to... You can always leave out named and just give him the basis information, you know?" Naruto said softly and looked at me with understanding eyes as he leant in closer to me and gave me a warm hug. I buried my face in his shoulder and hugged him back tightly.
"I guess so..." I said with muffled voice since I practically was talking into his shoulder.
God, I felt so little at this point. Small and pathetic, but at the same time I felt important. This was the second person who really wanted me to stay alive. To not die. Sure Gaara, Kiba and some of the others didn't want to see me dead... Bit they would be able to shrug it of after a while. But I think Naruto would get really sad if I died... And that's one more reason to keep on living, even if it hurts sometimes.
"It will be fine, Sasuke... Eventually it will be fine." Naruto said in a soft and comforting voice as he stroke my back, we were still hugging each other and I didn't really mind, it felt good and made me feel warm inside... What was this feeling?
"Yeah... I hope so." I mumbled and fought to keep my eyes open. I had totally forgotten about how tired I had been earlier.
I could hear Naruto talk to me, but I couldn't really make out what he said. I could smell him, but not see him. I saw nothing... Cause I had fallen asleep.
After a few more minuted of hugging Sasuke and quietly talk to him I noticed how his arms suddenly felt very limb. I frowned as I carefully pulled away from him which caused him to almost fall over against me. He was asleep...
"You and you weird sleeping habits, Sasuke..." I said to myself with a little smile on my face as I took a gentle grab around Sasuke and tried to make him lie down comfortably in the bed, then I put the blanket over him and sat down in the chair beside the bed.
I sighed slightly as I rested my chin against the back of the chair and watched Sasuke. Poor kid. It's always hard in the beginning here... You notice all your problems and gets aware of what's 'wrong' with you. Some things are better to be hidden deep inside than come out. Like Sasuke feeling that sudden urge to cut again... Maybe it had disappeared when he had other things to think of. Maybe he'd be better of outside?
I frowned and shook my head. Or worse. He would have so many more chances to kill himself outside the rehab, so Sasuke was better of inside where he could be helped and watched. And Sasuke and his family wasn't on good terms, it would definitely make him feel worse to get back.
Sasuke snored lightly in the bed and it brought a smile to my face. So Mr. Perfect snored, that was pretty funny in a strange way. I had never thought of Sasuke as someone who snores. I snore but that's another thing. I am a snoring person. I snorted lightly and looked at Sasuke. His pale face had a pretty peaceful expression. He looked so beautiful lying there in the bed... With that raven hair caressing his face... And his lips looked so soft... He looked very fragile, yet I know he isn't that fragile...
Like I was in some kind of hypnosis I moved closer to Sasuke and the bed, and soon I was only a couple of inches from Sasuke's face. What happened after that was something I had absolutely no control over.
I, Uzumaki Naruto, closed the little space that was left between us and kissed him. Him as in Uchiha Sasuke. I kissed Sasuke. And I have to admit I liked it. Sasuke's lips were warm and soft, making me want to deepen the kiss. After a while I suddenly realised what I was doing and I quickly pulled back with a hand over my mouth... A faint taste of blood mixed up with Sasuke's own special taste lingered on my lips.
...Oh shit.
I had just taken advantage of Sasuke while he was sleeping! What kind of horrible person am I supposed to be? How could I just do something like that? Sasuke came to me and confessed things like he wanted to cut himself and I comforted him... And then I risk making him feel worse by kissing him. Oh God, just pure luck he's still asleep!
I sighed as I stood up ant as quietly as I could left the room. I needed some fresh air to clear my mind so I walked out to the garden and lied down in the cool grass. I took a deep breath and shook my head.
"Why did I do that?" I asked myself as I looked up at the sky, "...Just why?"
"Do what?"
I almost jumped in surprise at hearing Gaara's voice from behind. I hadn't expected a reply from anyone so I got quite surprised...
"It's just... It's very complicated." I muttered and then sighed again. I noticed that Gaara sat down beside me and I could feel his eyes upon me. He knew that something was troubling me. He always knew when I was doubting something. And right now I doubted my feelings for Sasuke.
Wait a moment... Feelings for Sasuke? Did I just think that? Haha... must be those bloody hormones!
"We have all day, we're not going anywhere." Gaara said and leant back in the grass like I had done earlier, "But it's okay if you don't want to talk about it." He then added in respect but I knew that deep down h wanted to know what was bothering me and I knew that I should let him know.
"Well... You see... I was talking to Sasuke earlier..." I began and tried to find the right way of expressing myself, "He was pretty upset so I comforted him..." I continued, I didn't want to tell Gaara what Sasuke had told me, since it was a very sensitive topic for Sasuke.
Gaara just looked at me and nodded. I guess he understood that I wasn't going to tell him exactly what Sasuke had been upset about. He knew how it felt when everyone knew things about you that you wanted to stay hidden and unknown.
"And eventually he fell asleep." i explained as I scratched my head, "I thought I would just watch him for a while... Just to make sure he was okay, you know?"
I took a short pause to get some air and courage to tell Gaara what happened, "And all of a sudden I found myself kissing him." I said very fast, I almost stumbled on my own words.
But Gaara had heard me and he raised an eyebrow and looked at me with surprise. A look I hadn't seen many times on his face.
"I fucking kissed Uchiha Sasuke." I seriously said and looked at him before I continued with my new realisation, "And I enjoyed it."
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