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Only the Best

Written by:

PetPetAngel

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Only the best for Hikaru, he thinks.

It isn’t that he’s jealous–because he’s not. He only wants the very best for his brother, and that’s always been the way it is. He’s long been convinced he isn’t jealous – he knows you could ask him yourself and he knows he could answer you straight-faced. He’s not jealous…. Not so much as just worried.

Kaoru always wants the best for Hikaru, and he wouldn’t have it be any other way. He’s not here to hold his brother down, to keep him from moving on. It’s just his job to ensure the best for him, because that’s what brother’s do when it all comes down to it. That’s his role in the family that Tamaki has made them into.

Only the best for Hikaru. Only the best.

But they’re growing closer, and Kaoru swears he isn’t jealous, because that’s not part of his role as a brother, either, and he’s just worried. He doesn’t mean to be, and it’s really quite stupid, foolish, childish. It doesn’t make sense, because at his age, it doesn’t happen.

He doesn’t want to be alone, and it’s just stupid.

And while he’s still a little bit worried, he’ll only offer the best for Hikaru.

Only the best.

-

And it’s not like it’s really any of his business, nor should he care, but Hikaru isn’t facing him anymore when they sleep. It’s not just that he’s not facing him, it’s rather that Kaoru feels–in essence–ignored. And it’s not really that big a deal, but for some reason, it sort of hurts him.

Somehow, Kaoru feels a little bit like Hikaru is being taken away from him, but he’s not going to speak up. It’s not his place, his role, his job. That’s not why he’s here. That’s not why he’s next to him.

In a way, you could call him protective, he supposes, but he’s not really. Not in his mind, because he’s letting Hikaru go, letting him do his own thing, not holding him back. In a way he feels like he wants to, but he isn’t going to stand in the way. If this is what Hikaru wants, Kaoru will let him have it, because in the end all he wants is only the best for Hikaru.

But when he wraps his arm around Hikaru’s waist, seeking comfort, and the latter does nothing but sigh, he knows what all of this means. While he knew this would happen – this dreadful day would come, the day he would finally have to acknowledge all of this – it hurts.

It isn’t that he’s jealous–because he’s not.

And all his suspicions, all his worries, become justified, because he knows he’s just lost his Hikaru.

-

Kaoru feels embarrassed.

Actually, he feels beyond embarrassed. Because something just happened that’s never happened before. Something that should never happen, happened, and all the color both rushed and drained from his face.

He feels embarrassed and it doesn’t make sense, because even if he’s a teenager, hormone driven, or whatever, this sort of thing just doesn’t happen. Or rather, it shouldn’t, but it just did and Kaoru is having trouble thinking. No, he thinks, that did not just happen.

He’s always blamed his want–need–to be close to his brother was because his brother had always been the only other one in his life. If he were to lose him, god forbid, he’d have nothing left, lost part of himself. Because what Hikaru isn’t, he is, and what he isn’t, Hikaru is.

But now, his logic of his brother being the only one for him, only one there for him, and that’s why he cares as much as he does–it doesn’t make sense. Because something that’s never happened before just happened, and Kaoru feels the shame well up in his head.

With only a small smile to Hikaru, Kaoru goes to take a long, cold shower.

-

And suddenly it hits him like a ton of bricks, and Kaoru feels as though he can’t breathe.

He supposes he’s always known, just not wanted to think about. But when it hits him he’s not ready for it. His heart is loud in his ears and he’s thankful he’s alone because if anyone else has been there, they would’ve seen all the blood drain from his face and the way he practically falls over as a wave of sickness comes over him.

He feels sick, dizzy, lightheaded. He needs to lie down, but he isn’t sure where the nearest place is. His sense of direction has suddenly dissipated into thin air, and he fumbles slightly as he moves to the couch he knows is only a few rooms away. He needs an aspirin, but he’s lost his patience as well and doesn’t feel well enough to climb the stairs.

He stares at the seat just feet away and plops rather ungracefully onto it, covering his eyes with his hand and trying to think. His senses have gone for a moment and he opens his eyes, squinting against the lights in the room.

Maybe I was jealous…

-

He’s killing him.

And the color is high in his face once more, and seeing Hikaru isn’t making it any better. He’s going to die soon, he knows, if the other teen doesn’t move if just slightly away.

He’s killing him.

Kaoru doesn’t like it, doesn’t like it at all, how much Hikaru truly loves Haruhi. It’s not fair, but it’s not his place to tell him no and she’s better for him than he is. He knows that, but some selfish part of him is convinced that, if given the chance, he could prove his worth.

But you have the worth, his mind tells him, and stop sounding like you suffer an inferiority complex. He half sobs, half laughs at the voices in his head. He’s caught Hikaru’s attention, but he’s determined not to overreact. He’s proved his worth – Kaoru knows that Hikaru treasures him. They knew each other that well.

But lately, it doesn’t feel so. It doesn’t feel like it’s his brother he’s sharing his bed with. It doesn’t feel like his Hikaru anymore, because his Hikaru–no matter how angry–would never ignore him like this, or at least not pay attention.

In a way, Kaoru feels that there is a growing rift between he and his brother, because when he thinks back to their old morning routine, it’s not like this one. The way they used to wake up–it’s not like how they do now.

He’s killing him.

Before, he could always count on leaning on the older teen as he woke up, and sometimes, Hikaru would say soft-spoken, caring things that made his heart flutter awkwardly. Before, they could always sneak ten minutes from the other–whoever woke up first.

But now, he’s lucky if he wakes up to Hikaru at all.

He needs relief, another cold shower, something, because he’s aching.

He’s killing him.

-

And the more he thinks about it, the more hurt he becomes because really, it’s not fair at all.

The more he thinks about it, the more he thinks about their ‘act’. And the more he thinks about it, the more he wants it all to be real. And the more he wants it to be real, the more he wonders about how much of it is real. He knows the false hope isn’t good for him, but crushing his dreams doesn’t suit him very well either.

And it’s a lot to keep up, Kaoru thinks, holding his chin in his hand. For Hikaru, it must be a pain. Because I know, and he sighs, although he doesn’t mean for it to come out so helplessly, he would rather be with her than with me.

He squashes the thought as Hikaru enters the room, a decidedly grim look on his face. Kaoru sees the curiosity in his eyes–knows that he finally is sick of his silence and semi-moping–he’s finally going to speak up. “Tell me what’s wrong,” he speaks quietly, his voice surprisingly controlled.

“There’s nothing,” he murmurs, but he can’t look Hikaru in the eyes because he knows he can’t lie to his face.

There’s plenty wrong, it’s rather just a matter of who admits what, first. Kaoru glances up at the silent Hikaru, surprised to find the teen has gone surprisingly still.

“You never used to lie to me,” he mumbles softly, and Kaoru looks away, feeling ashamed, but at the same time, he feels angry. “Why would you start now, Kaoru? That’s not like you,” and Hikaru’s voice is only above a whisper, but still accusing, still so angry. His eyes are glaring and inside, Kaoru feels like his heart is breaking.

“I’m not lying,” Kaoru says, meeting his twin’s eyes. It’s hard, and he’s so upset he’s certain if he doesn’t look away, he’s going to cry. “I’m amazed you can still tell, either way,” his voice even softer than Hikaru’s.

“Wha---!”

Kaoru feels tears pooling at the corner of his eyes. He doesn’t want to cry, not now, not right in front of Hikaru. He can’t fall apart – he has to be strong – but his brother’s harsh mood and cold eyes aren’t very forgiving. As the tears start coming, Kaoru shakes his head, “No,” he says, but he’s not quite sure what he’s objecting.

Before it can get any worse, he runs.

Even if it’s all an act, it does seem rather convincing.

-

In a way, Kaoru feels better.

In a way, he feels so much worse.

He’s not quite sure what made him so angry, so impatient and so irritated with Hikaru. He’s usually the one who is calm, collected, sugarcoated in a sense. Hikaru is the one acting before thinking, the one angry even though he shouldn’t be.

It’s almost like they’ve switched places, because when he thinks back to Hikaru’s shocked face, so confused in the whole of the misunderstanding, he’s reminded of himself.

He sighs, feeling more horrible than great, knowing that what he did isn’t the right thing. Accept it; he tells himself, you reacted wrongly for once in your life. Live with it.

But of all the people to react wrongly to in a situation, did it have to be Hikaru? He sighs, bringing his knees to his chest. He has a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach that Hikaru will be ignoring him for the time being. But we need to work this out, one part of his mind says, softly, gentle, while another part argues vehemently that it’s not his role–not his place. He’s never wanted to take over.

He sighs once more, honestly thinking that he’s been doing that far too much.

With a deep breath, he stands up, and goes to find Hikaru.

-

They both feel guilty, and it’s rather stupid, in all actuality.

He can tell by the way Hikaru’s slumped, but he’s seen that look on his face and it’s not annoyance, it’s…

Kaoru stops that train of though, afraid of how –if he actually acknowledges it– he’ll react. “Hikaru?” His voice is soft, Hikaru doesn’t move, and for a moment, Kaoru doubts whether or not the teen heard him at all. There’s a silence and Kaoru debates on trying again to start up a conversation. There’s something wrong with Hikaru, something keeping him down.

“She broke up with me,” Hikaru says suddenly, staring at his feet. Kaoru stares at his brother’s back in surprise, but Hikaru continues before he has the chance to interrupt, “I guess in a way we were never together, it just seemed like something that would happen, ya know?”

Kaoru nods, feeling badly for his brother, and he moves forward, “How did this happen?”

He’s always thought that Haruhi was the right one for his brother –always so sincere and always so comfortable with him– this hardly made any sense at all. But before Hikaru even speaks, Kaoru knows.

Tamaki.

“Oh, Hikaru, I’m so sorry,” he says breathlessly, coming up behind his brother, wrapping his arms around his waist and placing his chin on his head, “I’m so sorry,” he says again, “I’m sorry,” and for a moment it seems like the only thing he can say. “You don’t deserve this,” and though his voice is muffled by Hikaru’s neck, he knows the boy has heard him loud and clear.

“It’s okay,” Hikaru murmurs, but his voice is far away and Kaoru knows that he’s still thinking about her.

-

“You don’t deserve this, only the best,” Kaoru whispers in his ear, rocking the other teen slightly.

“Then I’ve already gotten all I’ve needed,” Hikaru speaks, looking Kaoru in the eyes. It’s been weeks, and Hikaru almost seems better. “If told you I didn’t… If I was pretending to do something, what would you say?”

“I’d ask you what, of course. Why?”

“I didn’t mean that stupid bunch of stuff… With Haruhi, I mean, and Hikaru turns around in the bed to face him completely. It’s dark out, and all Kaoru can see of his twin is his eyes, glowing brightly.

Without a word, Hikaru kisses Kaoru.

Kaoru feels his heart stop for only a moment, feels it flutter. “H-Hikaru!”

Hikaru pulls the younger teen to him, knowing he doesn’t mind. Kaoru’s eyes have never lied to him before, whether they were filled with tears, filled with hope, love, caring, or even hatred, they never lied. And this time, he sees just what he needs; love and dedication.

“Only the best,” he murmurs, “Only the best for my Kaoru.”