Disclaimer: All of the characters and a little bit of the plot belong to Annie Proulx.

Twenty long years they had been playing this game. Twenty long years Jack had suffered. With Ennis, though, the only way to take the pleasure was to take a swill of pain too.

He didn’t want to wait for Ennis to love him back, love him openly. But since Ennis was like nicotine, Jack couldn’t stop once he started. Ennis was just something he couldn’t quit. Something he didn’t want to quit.

Truthfully, Jack was almost afraid to stay away from Ennis. It was as if God himself was saying, “I got you someone to love, I gave you a fucking soul mate. Don’t go ruining a good thing. Don’t go bein’ ungrateful.”

But still, Jack cursed God. He cursed Him for making him queer and for giving him someone who was too fucking afraid to be with him.

And to get through the years, God gave him Lureen, a cold hearted bitch. God gave him Bobby, a kid who was too damn stupid to read. And God gave him money to get rid of the pangs.

But there was no cure for Ennis. There was no replacement. Randall and all the men in Mexico didn’t constitute for Ennis. Nothing could. No one could replace his closely held love for Ennis. Jack knew that. Jack knew that he could never love another who didn’t have Ennis’s brown, solemn eyes and dirty blonde hair.

But after all these years, there was nothing left to keep them together; nothing but their love for one another. Jack’s love was arduous and wishful. Ennis’s was cautious and afraid.

But for some reason, Jack still loved that son of a bitch. He loved how it felt in Ennis’s arms. He loved how, when they were alone, Ennis would be more loving, more affectionate. Most of all, he loved how he could just pretend that they still had their whole future ahead of them, and he and Ennis were going to live happily ever after. There was no substitute for that, and there was no substitute for Ennis.

But maybe, just maybe, Jack’s dream would come true. Alma had divorced Ennis. Jack knew that he and Ennis weren’t young anymore, but he still wanted the future he had created in his mind. There was still time to go back to his father’s place and lick that ranch into shape.

Jack was wired, wired from his dreams and the thought that they may come true. Over the wind, Jack belted out “King of the Road”. It was long drive to Ennis’s new place, but it was worth it, for Ennis.

Right now, Jack would do anything for Ennis. Nothing could ruin his good mood, and that Jack was sure of. He honked as he drove up to Ennis’s new home.

“What’re you doin’ here?”

“I got yer message ‘bout the divorce,” Jack told Ennis as he hugged him and gazed at him lovingly.

Ennis nodded to him and introduced him to his little girls, Junior and Jenny. An awkward moment followed, and then: “Jack, I only get my girls once a month. Right now they need me.”

Once more, Jack’s heart was slowly breaking. “What’s next, Ennis?” he yelled, his eyes full of tears. “They’re always gonna need you! But what ‘bout me, huh? I need you! I’m gonna need you always too!” Then Jack’s voice turned deadly quiet, “Ennis, if you turn me away again, I ain’t never comin’ back.”

Ennis just mumbled something, refusing to meet Jack’s eyes.

“You never knew a good thing in yer life, Ennis Del Mar! We coulda had a fucking sweet life together! You ain’t never gonna appreciate me ‘til I’m cold and buried in the fucking ground!” Jack stormed to his truck while Ennis tore up Jack’s heart, piece by piece. There was no going back on what he said. This would be the last time he saw Ennis. This was it. There were no more dreams to carry him through the years, no more hope, and definitely no more love. Not for Ennis Del Mar, at least.

His truck started, and he drove out of there as fast as possible. Never gonna look back, he told himself.

He heard a cry twisted with pain, “Jack!”

Sure enough, it was Ennis, running after him. Ennis was a fucking lunatic. But Jack couldn’t continue driving. How could he? His love was calling for him. Maybe…

The car stopped abruptly. Ennis caught up, panting. “Jack, Jack,” he his gravelly voice begged.

Jack’s eyes were hurt and distant.

“Jack, ‘member when I told you I realized I shouldn’t have ever left you. I told you I shoulda held onto you with both hands. I…I can’t let go of you.”

Something inside Jack started to be pieced back together, bit by bit. Ennis’s words brought a bit of Jack’s dream back. Jack pushed it back down. He was not going to let Ennis hurt him again.

Coldly, Jack listened to Ennis continue, “Maybe…Maybe when the girls go back, we can go and buy a ranch together. Start a cow and calf operation. Jus’….Jus’ don’t go, Jack. I…I couldn’t live without you.”

Tears fell from both of their eyes as Jack got out of the car, and Ennis embraced him.

Weakly, and ever so quietly, Ennis mumbled, “You want to stay for dinner?”