Sam's Journal

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Notes: Timeline follows what's revealed within episodes where applicable.

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Ask me a year ago, if I thought we'd end up here and I would have first laughed in your face and then looked for the camera. I left weapon's training, bullet making, creature-demon hunting behind over four years ago. I hadn't seen Dad in years and I hadn't spoken to Dean in at least two. My past was a distant unpleasant memory. The gun-toting, combat-trained, angry-at-the-world Sam was a far cry from the successful, college-educated Sam. The night I found Dean in my apartment my first instinct was to get him out before Jess saw him. I ashamed to say that I was embarrassed by him. I never talked about my family to any of my friends. I couldn't have thought up a worse way for him and Jess to meet. He looked like his usual roughed up but super-charming self. And I hated that appraising look in his eye when he roamed over Jess' body. He was always so sure of himself, on both types of hunt. I went with him mostly to keep the damage to a minimum. It'd shut him up and get him out of there. Hopefully I wouldn't have to tell Jess anything more than a few sparse details to satisfy what curiosity Dean had sparked. It was only going to be a couple of days. We'd find Dad, Dean would be happy and I'd get back to my life. How deluded I was.

Day 1

I can't believe he's really dead. He always seemed invincible to me. I don't know why I thought that. Especially considering the risks of this job. And how much death we saw. When I went to see him this morning I knew something wasn't right. But Dean was in trouble and everything else took a backseat. After I got him what he asked for from Bobby, I should have done something to stop him. Hell, I could have told him to shove his list. Bobby said it wasn't for protection.

Dean's wrong about one thing. Yes, I hated everything Dad was about but I never stopped caring. I left because I couldn't stand the lies anymore. Dad pretended it was about protecting people. Stopping others from getting hurt when the truth was he was on a one man crusade for revenge. He always said we couldn't get emotionally involved. Anger, hate, fear - it left you wide open for possession. What a hypocrite.

Damn him. Damn him for starting this. Damn him for bringing me back. Damn him for being right. And the worst of it, damn him for dying.

Dean hasn't said a word about anything. They discharged him this afternoon. How could he stay, there's nothing wrong with him. I'd call it a miracle but I know it has nothing to do with divine intervention. Dad summoned the demon and there was a reaper around. Doesn't take a genius to figure out who was responsible for bringing Dean back. I just can't shake the feeling that Dad gambled more than the Colt to make it happen.

Dad saw Dean right before he died. He had to have said something. Did he know? I just wish... I mean, haven't we sacrificed enough? When's it gonna end?