Imperial Redshirts Bernardo, Francisco, Marcellus

Horatio, Hamlet's friend

the Ghost

Emperor Claudius

Gertrude, his wife

Polonius, the Councillor

Ophelia, his daughter

Laertes, his son

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern (R&G), courtiers

a Droid

Hamlet, Prince of Denmark

Players King, Queen, and EvilUncle

Fortinbras, Prince of Norway

a Captain

and: Lords, Ladies, Ninjas, Pirates, Soldiers

Starship Elsinore, Act One.

The bridge of Starship Elsinore. Three large screens dominate the top of the set. Below them are windows, showing an empty sea of stars, and complicated-looking waist-high machines. A loudspeaker sits prominently in one upper corner. REDSHIRTS BERNARDO and FRANCISCO are on duty, patrolling with their laser guns.

Enter REDSHIRTS MARCELLUS and HORATIO.

BERNARDO (pointing his gun): Who's there? State your name, rank, and 27-digit ID number!

HORATIO: Aaaah!

FRANCISCO: Oh, it's just you, Marcellus and Horatio.

MARCELLUS: Whew. For a moment, I thought I saw a ghost.

BERNARDO: A ghost?

HORATIO: Yes indeed. Marcellus here tells me that--

MARCELLUS: Stop stealing my lines, know-it-all.

HORATIO: Sorry.

MARCELLUS: I was on duty last night at the bridge. All was quiet, until-- (He pauses and stares at the central screen panel, which is flickering with static.)

FRANCISCO: Until what?

BERNARDO: Look! (He points at the central screen.)

All four stare as the hologram of a GHOST appears on it.

FRANCISCO: GHOST!!

MARCELLUS: Like I was saying, I saw it yesterday too! It appeared out of nowhere!

The GHOST makes GHOSTly noises. The four men cling to each other, trembling.

BERNARDO: Say something to it, Horatio!

HORATIO: Why me?!

BERNARDO: Because you're a main character! And, uh, you know how to speak better than us!

HORATIO: Um...hello...

GHOST: GHOSTly noises.

HORATIO: Eep... (to BERNARDO) Give me that! (He takes the laser gun.) What manner of alien...or supernatural being are you? Francisco! Ready the translation program!

FRANCISCO: On it, sir!

HORATIO: Speak! (The GHOST is silent.) Speak, dammit! (He waves the laser gun menacingly. A reveille plays over the loudspeaker, and the image fades.) Speak! (The image is blurred out by static, then blips to a blank screen.)

FRANCISCO: Whew. That was close.

MARCELLUS: Y'know, now that I think about it, that ghost looks exactly like Hamlet's dead father!

HORATIO: You're...you're quite right. I'll go...speak to him about it.

BERNARDO: Good idea. I have the watch tomorrow. He can come.

The curtains close in front of them as the lights go down. The lights dimly illuminate a figure walking forward through the curtains. When they come up again, the scene is CLAUDIUS' court. The Emperor stands in front of a throne, his wife GERTRUDE on his left and his councilor POLONIUS on his right, with OPHELIA, LAERTES, HORATIO, ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN, and assorted LORDS and LADIES assembled before them. A DROID wheels in from stage left, and stands in front of CLAUDIUS.

CLAUDIUS: Hear hear! (He hands a Crackberry to the DROID.)

DROID: I, Claudius...

HAMLET, the Prince of Denmark, a figure all in black with the exception of his bleached-blond hair, strolls onto stage. He is singing a popular period-era song about depression and worthlessness, horribly off-key. He takes a position leaning against the throne.

DROID: ...the high and mighty absolute Imperial Emperor of the Denmark system by the divine grace of Darwin, have as of yesterday, Gertrude, my wonderfully beautiful and buxom companion, whose unparalleled beauty was best described in the master Bard's 'My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun,' and whom I need not remind you all was my horribly murd--I mean, sadly deceased dead brother's wife, joined in matrimony...

During this speech, the DROID's voice is drowned out by HAMLET's increasingly louder singing, until the scene fades with the spotlight on HAMLET. He eventually finishes his song, and dozes off to sleep.

VOICE: Hamlet? (Hamlet does not move.) HAMLET!!

HAMLET starts and makes confused noises. The lights go up, revealing HORATIO and MARCELLUS in the otherwise empty throne room.

HAMLET: Horatio? (He looks around.) Oh my...I dozed off! What's happened?

HORATIO: Long story short, Laertes left for a career as a space pirate, Fortinbras of Starship Norweyan is taking a war fleet through our system to go attack somebody, Ophelia's been forbidden to see you again, and we want you to come talk to a ghost.

HAMLET: A ghost?

MARCELLUS: Who looks like your dead father.

HAMLET: My dead...argh, don't remind me! Do you want me to go off on a 30-minute angsty monologue?

MARCELLUS: We'd rather not.

HORATIO: I've got an idea, why don't you come see--

The lights go out, then come back, slightly dimmed. Everyone looks around, confused, and the curtains part to reveal the bridge and BERNARDO.

BERNARDO: Oh, you're here.

HAMLET: Okay, what's all this about a ghost?

HORATIO: Bernardo saw a ghost--

BERNARDO: Two nights ago on my watch--

HORATIO: And last night, me and Mar--

BERNARDO: --cellus and Francisco saw it too, and we tried--

HORATIO: --I tried to speak to it, but--

BERNARDO: It wouldn't talk to him, and it--

HORATIO: Faded when the reveille played.

HAMLET: Got it. (All three turn to the screen and stare. The hologram of the GHOST eventually appears.)

GHOST: GHOSTly noises.

HAMLET: Father!!

GHOST: Hamlet...hey, uh, who are all those people back there?

HAMLET: They're my friend Horatio, and some of the starship's Redshirts.

GHOST: Can you make them go away? I'm trying to have a private conversation with you, and we can't exactly walk away.

HAMLET: Well, you heard the man, guys. Get out of here.

MARCELLUS: But sir Hamlet!

BERNARDO: What if it's an evil alien who wants to suck out your brains?

HAMLET: Oh, that's silly, guys, what if--

MARCELLUS: For security reasons, we cannot leave, lord Hamlet. The Imperial Redshirts would be disgraced!

HAMLET: I've made up my mind. (He turns to the GHOST.) Even if this thing is...evil, it's still my daddy and I want to hear what it has to say. So all of you, get out. But keep your laserguns drawn in case I start screaming. (He draws his own gun.)

HORATIO: As you say, milord. C'mon, guys, let's get out of here. (They exit.)

GHOST: Finally. Okay, Hamlet, long story short, I want you to avenge me.

HAMLET: But the official story says that you died of a heart attack in the palace garden.

GHOST: Your evil uncle shot deadly nanoviruses into my ear and killed me, then took over the throne and married your mother!

HAMLET: You didn't notice a guy shooting your ear?

GHOST: I was sleeping, demmit! You know how deep I sleep!

HAMLET: Mother always did complain about your snoring.

GHOST: Well, anyways, just kill Claudius, would you? Do your old man a favor. (The reveille plays. The GHOST's hologram fades into static and the screen blanks. The lights come fully on.)

HAMLET: Oh my Darwin! I'm supposed to murder Claudius? How do I know what the ghost said is true? If I'm tricked into committing murder...well, I'll be the emperor, for one, and it's not as if I'm going to hell when I die, so...Oh no! I'll have to marry Gertrude! Just like Oedipus! And…I’ll have to have SEX with her! I couldn't conceive of it! But if I don't kill Claudius, Dad's ghost will never rest in peace! If it is Dad's ghost! What am I to do? It's settled. There's only one thing to do...I'm going to stand around and deliberate about it.

HORATIO, MARCELLUS, and BERNARDO re-enter.

HORATIO: Hamlet?

HAMLET: I've got it. I'm going to pretend to act crazy so-- (He spins, and spots the others.) Oh, hello guys.

MARCELLUS: Are you all right, lord Hamlet?

HAMLET: Guys, can I ask you a really, really big favor?

BERNARDO: What's that?

HAMLET: Don't tell anyone what you saw tonight, and if you notice me acting kinda crazy in the next few days, you don't know a thing about it.

MARCELLUS: Why not, my lord?

HAMLET: Just do it! Swear by my sword!

MARCELLUS: I don't know about this...

LOUDSPEAKER (crackly): Swear.

BERNARDO: Aaah!

LOUDSPEAKER: Sweeeearrrr!!

HAMLET: You see? The ghost is telling you to swear! All of you, swear by your swords!

The men testify. Blackout. Exit MARCELLUS, HAMLET, and HORATIO.

BERNARDO: Wait! Waaaaiiit! Can I at least tell Franciiiscoooo...? (He runs offstage after them.)

End of Act One.

If the actor's singing is really that bad, he can lip-sync instead.