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DISCLAIMER : Nope, still don't own it...
So yeah, my computer kicked the bucket a week ago.
The Bad News: I lost everything on my hard drive.
The Good News: This chapter-in-the-works was the only thing I considered worthy of being upset over. :P
Heh heh, so after a few hours of re-writing purely from memory, I present to you the sixth installment of the weirdest day in Hyuuga Hinata's life. This was one heck of a fun chapter to write (twice!) and I hope you all enjoy it as well. :)
Two points to anyone who catches the Johnny Quest pun! 8D
If I don't find Naruto-kun soon, everyone in the village will…
The young woman shook her head vigorously, eager to dismiss the thought that she might inadvertently be responsible for the destruction of Konaha.
I…I can’t let myself think about that…Naruto and the others have to come first!
An impish grin abruptly slid across the Hyuuga’s delicate features.
Besides, there’s no way I’m going to lose before seeing Naruto-kun in a leather thong bondage set!
With the image of shiny black latex and savage scratch marks firmly etched upon her mind, Hinata once again sped off to the next Naruto hot spot. As luck would have it, she passed by a small roadside boutique overflowing with tiger lilies and morning glories.
Inside the Yamanaka Flower Shop!
Itachi gave the small service bell a quick double tap.
Ding ding!
From somewhere in the back, a golden ponytail darted to and fro between towering pillars of bird baths and lawn gnomes (Ninja lawn gnomes, to be exact).
“Just a minute! Please feel free to look around while you wait!”
Quite content with such a courteous display of customer appreciation, Itachi scarcely had the time to compare contrasts between his purple fingernails and a nearby orchid before Ino popped out from behind a corner. A large bag of fertilizer was held precariously in both arms, obscuring everything but her peripheral vision. The young woman placed the sack off to the side and turned towards her newfound customer.
“I’m sorry for the wait, sir. Now, how can I-“
The young woman’s eyes abruptly grew to the size of hubcaps. An inconspicuous line of drool slowly began to make its way down her chin.
Itachi assumed his best smile, eager to reestablish positive relations with such an upstanding little ninja community. Might as well start with the crazy ones and work up from there!
“Umm, hello, yes. I’d like to order a-“
“ZOMG! S4suk3-kun, iz th4t u? Y0ur c104k m4k3s u l00k s0 h4wts0m3! 1t t074lly r0x my s0x!”
For some inexplicable reason, Itachi suddenly felt the all-encompassing need to bludgeon himself into a coma using an unabridged version of The Merriam Webster’s Dictionary. The fact that he somehow understood 1337 while spoken aloud only added to the grammatical nightmare.
After a few seconds, the Akatsuki member regained his senses just long enough to decipher her syntactical butchery and formulate an appropriate response.
“Oh, no, my dear. You seem to have me confused with my precious little brother! My name is Uchiha Itachi, and I was wondering if-“
“LOL! I c4n s0 t3ll its u, S4suk3-kun!”
She cast him a seductive wink.
“B3ing a11 c0y wi7h m3 1ik3 th4t…u n4ugh7y b0y!”
A stark chill traveled down the full length of Itachi’s poofy little cloud-covered spine. Such a terrible manner of speech…what would ever possess such a person to-
The missing-nin paled visibly as he cast a red-eyed stare upon the figure before him.
That’s it! This child must be in the thralls of a demon!
Itachi took on a stance of heavenly reproach and righteous indignation.
It is my sworn duty as an upstanding citizen to alleviate such a menace from the coil of one so pure!
He cast a solemn finger at the blond kunoichi.
“Do not fear, child, for Uchiha Itachi shall release you from the grip of one so foul!”
Ino’s left eyebrow twitched violently, her lecherous grin spiraling downward into abject confusion.
“WTF?”
But it was too late. The missing-nin began to mold chakra faster than Jiraiya could yell “Panty raid!” at an all girl’s college dormitory.
“Mangekyou Sharingan! Tsukiyomi no jutsu!”
Without warning, Ino suddenly found herself in a very, very dark room. She was secured to a straight-back chair by a pair of silken wrist ties. A crimson moon hovered ominously overhead, casting its dark light across the starless midnight sky.
Ino just about had a nosebleed.
“Oh, S4suk3-kun! I d1dn’t kn0w u lik3d 1t lik3 7hat! Ya kn0w, 1 h4ve a fevv ex7ra p4irs 0f h4ndcuffs b4ck 1n my r00m…”
Her perverted train off thought immediately derailed when a figure dressed in black glided up to her stationary form. Two blood red eyes peered down from above, offset by a stark white book held firmly in one hand.
“Now is the time to be vanquished foul minion of darkness! I shall put an end to your underhanded schemes and send you back from whence you came!”
The young woman regarded him strangely. Sasuke sure did have an odd way of setting the mood...ah well, whatever kind of bizarre foreplay this was, it was damn well going to be worth it!
Itachi cracked open the tome, finding his place in an instant. With a final glance towards the heavens, he began to read:
"And thus Saint Atila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large-“
The equivalent of 72 hours later.
Ino pitched forward, just barely catching herself on the cash register. A vacant expression dominated her features as she listed heavily to the side.
“Hello-and-welcome-to-the-Yamanaka-Flower-Shop…how-may-I-be-of-assistance…”
The Akatsuki member nodded in approval before snatching up an order form.
Hmm, let’s see here…fruit baskets. Mom always said to send them avocados when in doubt. Well, before I murdered her in a genocidal rampage lacking even the most basic aspects of humanity. Still, mother knows best!
With a quick flourish of his pen, Itachi once again placed the pamphlet before the near comatose kunoichi. The missing-nin began to whistle a happy tune as he turned about and headed for the exit. As the screen door slammed shut behind him, a small vase tipped to the side, spilling its contents across the counter and hopelessly blurring several prominent strokes of still-wet ink…
Back to Hinata!
Another quick glance around the small abode revealed neither spiky blond hair nor a distinctive orange jumpsuit.
This…this isn’t good…I can’t find Naruto-kun anywhere!
Truth be told, the young woman’s search had so far taken her exclusively to his apartment in the hopes of catching him off guard. Heck, she had even burst in through the shower window, camcorder in hand, just on the off chance of catching some prime waterlogged footage of Naruto junior.
Too bad he wasn’t there. It would’ve made a great screen saver.
Alas, with her foxy little man missing in action, the young woman had no reason to stay on the premises and thus headed off once more in pursuit of her one true love.
After she managed to swipe a little going away present, that is.
Hinata pressed a pair of freshly laundered chibi fox boxer shorts close to her cheek, squealing in delight.
Oh, Naruto-kun! These are just the cutest things ever! I wonder if they come with matching squeaky slippers… (Dude! Another reference to one of my stories! Freakin’ awesome!)
Regardless, the Byakugan heiress quickly ran through all the possible locations Naruto might be and was off in an instant. It was only a matter of chance that she happened to pass by the apartment of a certain raven-haired someone.
Inside Sasuke’s kickin' bachelor pad!
The young man took another bite of his tomato while taking the time to water a small piece of pottery set upon the windowsill. (U-ch-ch-chiha!)
He was interrupted by a knock on the door. Shambling over, Sasuke undid the latch and peered outside.
“Special delivery from the Yamanaka Flower Shop. Please sign here.”
The young man quirked an eyebrow before affixing his surname and accepting the package. He kicked the door shut with the back of his heel.
Ino, I swear, if you sent me another one of those damned Uchiha pets…
The katon-user lazily pulled out a kunai and cut through the packing tape.
Only to have a rat with wings leap out and attach to his face.
“GAH!”
The small rodent emitted a piercing squeak before jumping off and flying into the kitchen. Sasuke was ever-so-slightly surprised.
“What the holy hell was that!?”
He immediately grabbed for the packing slip.
To: Uchiha Sasuke
Order: One Fruit Ba---t
From: Uchiha Itachi
The young man assumed a homicidal glare.
That clan-murdering bastard! When I’m done with him, he'll wish he was never even written into this manga! I’ll-
...wait a minute. Fruit bat?
A look of unbridled horror abruptly engulfed his already dour features.
“My tomatoes!”
Sasuke raced off into the kitchen, already forming a means of revenge while desperately searching for a can of Bat-B-Gone.
Somewhere near the middle of Konaha!
Hinata landed in a small alleyway, eager to end this entire fiasco and finally provide some closure to such an unfortunate series of events. Without hesitation, she raced out of the side street and towards her newest objective.
The Byakugan heiress hardly took three steps forward before noticing Rock Lee and her cousin squaring off in an adjacent lot. It was made all the worse when she realized what they were wearing.
Neji had his hair spiked straight up with a Turtle Hermit insignia embroidered on his back while Lee sported a gigantic yellow skullcap complete with tiny angular sunglasses.
“This is it, Lee Lee-Lee! When I go Super Hyuuga, you’re going down!”
“I do not think so, Neji-ku, for I have long ago mastered ‘Fist of the Eyebrow’ and thus cannot be defeated by one such as yourself! I shall win the heart of my pink-haired Beauty and thus be proclaimed the victor!”
Neji cast his teammate a vicious glare.
“Bring it on you jolly green freak! I’ll Spirit Bomb you into the next century!”
Lee took on a look of utmost confidence.
“Perhaps you shall fair better against me than in other earthly pursuits. Tenten mentioned her extreme displeasure with your ‘instant transmission’ the last time you two were alone…”
The Hyuuga’s features took on the most exquisite shade of purple. Hinata giggled softly on the sidelines.
“Doctor Phil said that’s nothing to be ashamed of! There’s absolutely no connection between that and my weak bladder or the fact I had to wear diapers until I was twelve years old!”
At this, Neji clasped a hand over his mouth, all the youth drained right out of Lee’s face and Hinata came up with a great idea involving Depends, a baby bonnet and her trusty camcorder.
The pale-eyed boy assumed a look of unparalleled wrath.
“I HATE YOU ALL!”
Without further adieu, Neji promptly gathered his chakra into a seething ball of rage mixed with just a hint of incontinence.
“Kaio-ken attack times ten! Kamehameha!”
Not to be outdone, Lee immediately assumed a youthful fighting stance.
“Super Fist of the Eyebrow Secret Technique: Supreme Iron Eyebrow Defense!”
And thus began the greatest battle to ever occur anywhere in the history of everything.
Ever.
Or at least that’s what it would have been like if anything actually happened. Turns out shrieking like a retarded banshee doesn’t grant the user potentially planet-destroying super moves after all. (Stupid underlying principles of nature...)
Thus, Neji's half-baked hadoken met with Lee's follicle fallacy amidst a cacophony of grunts and bellows as each figure tried to reach their ultimate non-existent power level.
Hinata cast the two boys a distraught grimace.
This is pointless! Nothings even happening! Although I wouldn’t mind making a wish on Naruto’s Dragonballs right about now…or at least getting a hold of his Power Pole…
After two full minutes of unabashed screaming, Hinata finally worked up the nerve to raise a delicate finger high above her head.
“Umm…e-excuse me, but-”
Before she could continue, both young men broke off their 'attack' and eyed one another warily.
“That does it, Lee! We’re finishing this right now!”
“Yes, Neji-san. Let us bring an end to our battle post haste!”
With one final cry, both combatants rushed forward.
Lee opened the First Gate. Neji activated his Byakugan. Hinata could scarcely watch.
“Haa!”
“Kyaa!”
The two genin each threw a fist forward in one epic culmination of such a groundbreaking battle royal.
“Rock, Paper, Scissors shoot!”
Lee delivered a devastating blow to his opponent.
“Rock!”
Neji countered in the most brutal fashion.
“Paper!”
The green-clad boy took on a mortified expression before sinking to the ground.
“NOOOO!! Gai-sensei, I have failed! Forgive me!”
The branch house member turned to regard his fallen comrade, in effect exposing his back to the Hyuuga maiden some distance behind him.
“It’s over, Lee. Your defeat was predetermined before this fight even began. It is impossible to change the tenets of Fate. Each of us has a-“
He was interrupted by a flurry of footsteps right behind him.
“B-B-Blindspot!”
Hinata delivered a brain-busting rabbit punch to the back of Neji's skull, sending him hurtling head over heels into a conveniently located brick wall. She began to massage her throbbing knuckles.
Serves you right for nearly killing me at the Chuunin Exams. Jerk…
After a few seconds, the Hyuuga boy rose to his feet while using the structure before him for support. A streak of green was by his side in an instant, propping up his broken form.
“Neji-san! Are you alright?”
The pale-eyed youth cast his teammate a death glare.
“Dammit Lee, I’m gonna murder you-right in the face!”
This was met with a wide-eyed look of shock.
“But Neji-san, I did not-“
“I’ll kill you ‘till you die from it!”
The Taijutsu master let out a startled “Meep!” as he ducked a shuriken thrown at his head. Both young men raced off into the distance amidst a chorus of vulgar death threats and youthful pleas for mercy. Hinata was left all by her lonesome.
She did have a pretty good laugh at her cousins retreating form, though.
I wonder how long it'll take him to notice the ‘I’m a little bed-wetting pansy who likes to beat up girls’ sign I stapled to his back…
Figuring that question was best left for another chapter, Hinata once again scurried off in search of Naruto.
Right in the middle of Konaha’s lush botanical gardens!
Itachi was taking a quiet stroll through a coven of trees while thinking back over his recent exploits.
“Oh, Sasuke! I only wish for you to have the best of what life has to offer! Still, I must somehow find a way to win your affections…”
The missing-nin sighed deeply and began to meditate upon his goal. A familiar voice made itself known right to the left of a potted geranium.
“Feeeed me, Seymour!”
Itachi cast the over-sized plant a mild look of disbelief.
“…Zetsu?”
Two spikey leaves fell to the side revealing a familiar monochromatic visage.
“…Itachi? Itachi, is that you?”
The red-eyed ninja took on a face-splitting grin.
“Hey, long time no see! Have you guys disposed of any Body Clone sacrifices lately? I remember you saying mine tasted like prime rib.”
A black and white pair of lips pulled back in a smile. Such fond memories…
“Nah, our leader, who’s name we almost certainly know yet never seem to use in casual conversation, hasn’t required our services for a while now. We just got out of rehab last week.”
Itachi shook his head side to side, clearly disappointed.
“Oh, Zetsu…was it the Miracle Grow again?”
A pair of leafy greens wilted slightly.
“Mmm hmm…It was totally worth it; those nurses are hot. Hey, so, we’re all real sorry to hear about Kisame. He made one helluva seafood platter, not to mention the shark tooth necklaces.”
Itachi took on a sad smile.
“Yeah…I just heard about it a while ago. Turns out there’s a half-off special on sushi for the next three months! So, how’s everyone else taking it?”
“Hmm? Oh, well, you know. He’s being remembered in the best way possible.”
Meanwhile, at the super secret Akatsuki hideout.
Hidan regarded Kakuzu menacingly across a small table laced with poker chips.
“…Got any fours?”
The elemental-nin glanced downward before leaning back in his chair.
“No. Go fish.”
Hidan slammed a fist into his meager pile of winnings.
“Fuck! You’re so full of shit!”
Kakuzu leaned forward, allowing an abundance of black tendrils to erupt from his mouth and gather up all the remaining cash.
“Looks like I win again.”
The scythe-wielding ninja cast a firm glower at his partner.
“You're a real creepy bastard, you know that? I bet you wouldn’t be so damn high and mighty if we were out on a mission...”
The green-eyed missing-nin quirked an eyebrow.
“Funny, I seem to recall holding my own against a squad of Chuunin and two Jounin.”
He cast his teammate a reproachful glare.
“You, on the other hand, got taken out by an egghead and his herd of deer.”
The blond Akatsuki member gritted his teeth.
“Well shit, at least I wasn’t killed by a chakra pinwheel.”
Kakuzu casually added up his winnings. A handful of twisting tentacles began to arrange the chips in several neat piles.
“That’s pretty big talk for someone who’s ultimate jutsu makes them look like Skeletor. Hey Hidan, guess who ‘has the power’? Not you."
Hidan shot to his feet while snatching up his weapon of choice.
“That fucking does it! By the will of Jashin, I’m gonna tear out those goddamn threads and slap the bitch out of you!”
Kakuzu was up in an instant, knocking over the table and spilling chips everywhere.
“Bring it on god-boy! I was killing ninja before your great-grandma even knew what a tampon was!”
Without further adieu, the entire Akatsuki base erupted into a clamor of booms, crashes, squeaky hammer noises and a plethora of equally amusing sound effects far too silly for a serious fanfic such as this.
Luckily, one lone ninja was currently outside, taking care of the exterior decor.
Tobi adjusted his floral pattern sun dress while valiantly trying to wipe the sweat from his mask-covered brow. He took a moment to regard the masterpiece garden set before him.
“It’s so pretty! Maybe Tobi can grow a girlfriend for Zetsu-sensei! Hee hee, then they could make cabbage patch babies!”
A perpetually ambiguous expression washed across the young man’s non-existent features.
“Tobi is such a good boy!”
Alas, any further musings upon the act of pollination fornication were immediately cast to the side as a young woman in a business suit suddenly appeared heading up the front walkway.
“Hello, I’m from Better Homes and Gardens Than Your’s magazine. Is the woman of the house home?”
An enthusiastic grin nearly radiated right through Tobi's orange swirly mask.
“Tobi’s right here! How can Tobi help you?”
That was met with an apprehensive look.
“Umm…are you talking about yourself in the third person?”
The missing-nin nodded somberly.
“Tobi enjoys hearing his name spoken aloud. It reassures him that he is both loved and cared for by others.”
The young woman's eyebrow twitched slightly.
“That’s…uhh, that’s just lovely. Anyway, I was sent to tell you that your lair has been chosen to appear on the cover of next month’s magazine. Congratulations!”
Tobi pumped an enthusiastic fist high into the air.
“All of Tobi’s hard work has finally paid off! Tobi is such a good boy! Tobi must go tell Sasori-sama and Deidara-sempai right away!”
And with that, the masked-nin raced off in search of his bestest of best friends.
Too bad his complete lack of depth perception led him face-first into a gazebo. The young Akatsuki member ricocheted off a lacquered post beam and dropped to the ground, all the while mourning his inability to locate the two shinobi so far removed from his person.
No, wait, turns out they were just around the corner using the scenery as a backdrop. Go figure.
Sasori was decked out in a Pinocchio outfit and donkey ears while holding a stuffed whale plushie. Deidara was furiously snapping away pictures with his eye camera.
“C'mon, work it Sasori-san! Orochimaru is gonna pay top dollar for these, un!”
The puppet-nin cast his teammate a distraught glower.
“You know I’m like, thirty, right? I only look like a kid because of the puppet conversion jutsu.”
Deidara offered the Red Sand ninja a sage-like nod.
“Whatever Pedophile-maru doesn’t know won’t hurt him, un! Now, watch the birdie!”
That was met with a startled look.
“Who in the what now?”
Sure enough, a tiny clay pigeon was hovering just above his mahogany head.
Sasori barely had the time to wonder if Geppetto was available for repairs this late in the evening.
“Ah, shi-”
Ka-PWNED!
One street over from the Ichiraku Ramen shop!
A cream-colored sweater dropped out of the sky, depositing one Hyuuga heiress right at the scene of her newest objective. It just happened to be the case that she landed before a wizened old woman, giving said geezer a massive heart attack. (Third time's a charm!)
The young woman raced down the street and turned a corner, hoping against hope that her latest endeavor would finally yield some results.
Unfortunately, it seemed Naruto's favorite pastime had undergone some major remodeling since she had seen it last.
Anko sat at a small table before the refurbished store front, a stark white uniform stretched tightly across her buxom person. The three-point nurse's cap did look rather kawaii, though.
Ebisu was just finishing up some paperwork.
“Here you are, ma'am. Am I going to be alright?”
Anko took the small packet and compared it to her medical notes. After a few seconds, she gave an enthusiastic nod.
“According to my data, you've scored a ninety three on the insane-o-meter! That means you've won our prize of the day!”
The guardian-nin adjusted his glasses hastily.
“I-I did? Oh, wow! I never win anything! What do I get?”
The rehabilitated snake-nin whipped out a small item decorated with a bow.
“This hypodermic needle filled with 400 cc's of horse tranquilizer!”
“Fantastic! I've always wanted a...wait, wha-”
INJECTION!
Ebisu lurched sideways, allowing his head to tilt backwards as far as it would go.
“Hee hee, I can see four-sided triangles! Ooohhh...and they taste like salmon...”
Unable to properly maintain his equilibrium, the Jounin inadvertently bumped into a voluptuous young woman.
Which actually turned out to be Gaara's sand gourd. It seemed his day at the beach had finally come to a peaceful end.
Well, except for the enormous death toll incurred when he tried giving everyone a hug by using the very beach itself. Eh, live and learn.
The sand-nin assumed a look of unrivaled contempt brought to life by a black-lined scowl.
“Touch me again...and I'll kill you.”
His heavily medicated victim made the monumental mistake of patting him affectionately on the head. Anko grinned mischievously in anticipation of the bloodbath that was sure to follow.
(Still, nothing would ever quite compare to the time Ebisu made the unfortunate mistake of confusing Gaara's sand gourd for a-...oh, wait. Uh oh.)
Gaara took a single step forward. Several mineralized clones rose up from the earth in a threatening semicircle about the two figures. The young man narrowed his eyes dangerously.
“I can sense your weakness...now I'll make you pay.”
The red-haired boy along with his replicas formed a very familiar hand seal. Ebisu's left eyebrow twitched in drunken surprise.
“Harem no jutsu: Uzumaki style!”
Off to the side, Hinata's pupils shrank to little purple pin-pricks.
The Jounin was immediately swallowed beneath a wave of crimson pig-tails, sandy cleavage and a tantalizing sense of deja-vu that could only lead to one inevitable conclusion.
With a cry of euphoric joy, the guardian-nin flew straight up into the air courtesy of a nosebleed rocket. The sand sibling poofed back to normal just in time to watch Ebisu face-plant into the concrete.
Gaara regarded the fallen ninja with a chibi grin before assuming the Nice Guy pose.
“Looks like my work here is done! Score one for Suna!”
And with that, the red-haired young man went skipping off merrily into the distance.
Hinata began to smash her head against a lamppost in order to rid herself of such ghastly mental images.
Sweet mother of pain incarnate! It burns!
The fact that he somehow managed to change back wearing nothing but his devilish smile only added to the internal hemorrhaging.
Anko casually walked over and booted the closet pervert off to the side. She gathered up her notes before once again assuming a frighteningly pleasant grin.
“Next please!”
The pale-eyed girl ran off faster than Orochimaru could say “Eeny, meeny, miney, moe” at a Boy Scouts of Konaha convention. Heck, speaking of Orochimaru...
Inside one of his secret underground bases!
Kabuto was making his way down the candle-lit hallway when a familiar voice echoed from the kitchen.
“Honey bun! Would you come here for a second? I have a surprise for you!”
The young man gave a cold shudder.
At least he's not standing on a chair shrieking like the last time. It took me almost an hour to catch that damn mongoose...
With a heartfelt sigh, the young med-nin shambled off to answer his summons. He couldn't help but quirk an eyebrow when the distinct mewing of kittens sounded faintly from the room before him. Kabuto cautiously entered the dining area.
A 'Kiss the Cobra' apron was all he noticed before Orochimaru turned on the microwave.
“There you are! I was thinking about what you said back at the restaurant and wanted to show you how far I've come in being more evil!”
The former Konaha shinobi assumed a blank look. What the hell was he-
Kabuto's features immediately plummeted into absolute dread.
'...dammit Orochimaru-sama, we've been over this. If you want to be evil, you have to think big! Set fire to the burn ward in a hospital, toss a few kittens in the microwave, soak someone's contact lenses in bear mace or...'
Suffice it to say, his jaw bottomed out faster than Tsunade's bank account at an all-you-can-drink poker tournament.
“Sweet monkey Jebediah-tell me you didn't!!!”
The snake-nin cast him a surprised look.
“You already figured it out? Oh, Kabuto, I'm so proud of you! Well, you'll be happy to know that I decided to take care of that stray tabby you like so much too!”
The young man's features turned an ashen gray.
“M-M-Mister Whiskers...?”
Orochimaru nodded in whole-hearted delight.
The microwave beeped in mourning.
Kabuto clamped a hand over his mouth before running out the doorway.
Quite perplexed, the Sannin shrugged his shoulders and pulled out the box of kittens and one tabby he had placed around the corner. A microwaved plate of 'Tuna tonight, kitty's delight!' cat food soon found itself placed on the floor beside them.
“Ok everyone, dinner is served!”
The snake-nin crossed his arms in smug satisfaction.
Heh heh, maybe that'll teach the supermarket to check their receipts a bit more often...I still can't believe they didn't realize I used the same coupon for every can! HA!
Orochimaru snickered to himself while absently allowing an adorable slew of kittens to wrestle with his giant purple ribbon.
“I am so evil!”
Back to the chase!
Hinata raced onto the site of her third and final guess at Naruto's location. The entirety of Team Seven's practice field loomed before her, offset by the tranquil splendor of a delicate breeze wafting silently through ankle-deep grass. A cold chill crept along her heart as it became apparent she was the only one there.
The young girl sunk to the ground, valiantly trying to hold back a deluge of tears.
Naruto-kun isn't here either! I...I don't know where else to look, and...because of me, everyone's going to...it's all my fault...
She clenched both fists tightly against her knees, doing her best to stave off a torrent of sniffles. Several agonizing seconds passed, burdening the young woman with all her past failings and constant under-achievements. In the darkness of her own grief, three beacons of light began to shine through the anguish.
“The fate of the entire village rests upon your shoulders, Hinata-san. May Kami be with you.”
S-Shino-kun...but...
“Hinata, I wish you the best of luck. Show that demon fox who's boss!”
P-Pervy Sage...you...
'I think thats why I like lavender so much. It reminds me of how pretty she is.'
N-Naruto-kun...
The young girl hastily wiped a sleeve across her eyes.
I can't let you down...you all believed in me, even when I didn't believe in myself...
The Byakugan heiress blinked away her remaining tears, instead assuming a look of chaste devotion and heartfelt dedication.
Shino-kun, Jiraiya-sama, Naruto-kun...I...I just...
A precious smile began to glow faintly upon her delicate features.
Thank you.
With a new sense of conviction firmly set in place, Hinata bounced back to her feet, hoping against hope that she might spot some tell-tale clue as to Naruto's current whereabouts. She began to walk briskly, cupping both hands to her lips.
“Naruto-kun! Naruto-kun, can you hear me? Where are y-”
The Hyuuga maiden barely had time to offer a yelp of surprise before stumbling over something hidden in the grass. On closer inspection, it was revealed that she had stubbed her toe on a large metal disc. An open manhole lay several feet to the right.
She quirked an eyebrow.
That's odd...I thought the sewers were sealed indefinitely after communications broke down with the TMNT clan. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to outlaw pizza in favor of turtle soup after all...
Regardless, any further musings on such political inquiries were quickly forgotten when she noticed a distinctive melody surfacing through the open portal. The main theme from 'Phantom of the Opera' began to echo faintly amidst the surrounding area.
Hinata was momentarily surprised before deciding it best to investigate the source of such an odd occurrence. Within seconds, the young woman had proceeded down the entryway and stepped out upon a slimy concrete floor. She gave her shoulders a vigorous rub as the haunting tune seemed to envelop the entire tunnel around her.
Wow...good acoustics...
Making her way silently along the dank and dismal corridor, Hinata formed several hand seals when it became apparent the meager light from above would no longer suffice.
“Byakugan!”
She immediately became aware of a gaunt figure sitting at an organ some distance before her.
As she made her way closer, Ibiki shot up from his seat and spun about. Though the ivory mask was kind of cool, the fact that he no longer wore a concealing headband made for a rather repulsive sight.
The young woman froze in place, trying to build up the resolve to continue on while releasing her Kekkai Genkai.
“Ah, pardon me, I-”
The interrogation-nin hastily drew a cloak about the right side of his face.
“Don't come any closer! A child such as yourself should not be burdened with the sight of a monster.”
Taken aback, Hinata tried to pry her eyes away from the terrible burns and scars set upon his completely exposed scalp.
“Umm, I'm sorry, but...your face isn't really that frightening.”
She glanced off to the side, somewhat worried she might lose her frog leg lunch from earlier in the day.
“Y-You might want to make a mask for your head, though...”
This was met with a questioning look as Ibiki allowed the cape to drop to his shoulders.
“My head? Why would I need to-”
The Jounin glanced at a mirror set upon the sewer wall. He took on an immensely annoyed expression.
“Oh for- why don't people ever tell me these things!”
As the male shinobi began to fasten his cloak into a makeshift cowl, Hinata noticed a small glint of metal hidden beneath an organ leg. The young woman gasped in surprise as she pulled out a familiar looking Leaf headband. A life-time pass to Ichiraku Ramen sewn into the cloth verified its origins.
“Naruto-kun!” Ibiki regarded her passively as he pulled off the faceplate and adjusted his newfound turban.
“Nah, you might as well just just call me Hadji now.”
That was meant with a distraught grimace.
“W-What? No! I meant Naruto-kun's headband! Have you seen him?”
The older man gave his chin a casual scratch.
“Eh? Oh, yeah...there was a blond-haired kid that ran through here earlier. Kept clawing at his stomach for some reason. He ran off that way before I could even-...hey!”
Without further adieu, Hinata began to race along the dismal underground passageway. A broad smile harboring all the elements of renewed hope radiated across her porcelain features as she stuffed the headband into a pocket.
Naruto-kun, I'm coming! Please hold on!
The young woman reactivated her Byakugan while absently keeping a curious eye on the water beside her.
Or more specifically, what was in the water beside her.
Huh...I wonder why someone would flush so many candy bars down the toilet...
Regardless, the Hyuuga maiden promptly dashed away in search of her orange-tinted goal.
More Uchiha sharingans!...err, I mean shenanigans!
Itachi was just passing through the main thoroughfare of Konaha when a massive condor swooped down and deposited a large crate at his feet. To say the least, he was slightly taken aback.
“My goodness, I am slightly taken aback! I wonder what in the world this could be...”
The Akatsuki member gave the box a solid nudge. A subdued growl could be heard from within.
Curious, he examined the handmade packing slip.
To: Uchiha Itachi
Order: One R. I. P.
From: Uchiha Sasuke
Itachi's eyes abruptly inflated to the size of dinner plates.
“My precious little brother has sent me a package of love! Surely this is a sign that we will once again form the quintessential bonds that will forever bind us as family!”
He had just begun to admire the exquisite handwriting when a Rabid Ill-tempered Platypus burst forth from the confines of its pine wood prison.
The missing-nin immediately assumed an expression of childlike wonder and awe.
“A puppy! Oh, Sasuke, you shouldn't have!”
Itachi scooped up the small creature and nuzzled it lovingly. The pseudo-mammal latched onto his jugular, foaming at the bill.
Two crimson eyes twinkled in absolute delight.
“Awww...it's trying to suckle!”
Itachi giggled in a horrifying display of girlish glee.
“Sorry little guy, but you're a bit too high up for that. Here, let me just undue the first few buttons on my cloak and-"
CENSORED!
OMG, quick! Scene-change no jutsu!
Inside the academy, two young students waited patiently in class, curious as to what could be taking their sensei so long.
Haku passed the time by conjuring some Crystal Ice Mirrors in order to figure out if he was really a boy or a girl. Konahamaru took the opportunity to adjust his scarf so as to better match the lightning bolt tattoo he had scribbled across his forehead.
After several long minutes, Zabuza strolled into the classroom wearing a tweed blazer with matching leather elbow pads. He had his signature weapon draped across a shoulder, offering a level of intimidation usually reserved for graduate level thesis papers and the act of programming a VCR.
“Alright class, let's get started.”
The missing-nin snatched a sheet of paper off his desk.
Both young boys quirked an eyebrow.
“A horse has two legs in the back and forelegs in the front. Thus, a horse has six legs total. Since six is an even number, a horse must have an even number of legs. However, since six is an odd number of legs for a horse to have, a horse also possesses an odd number of legs. The only number that is both even and odd is infinity, therefore we can conclude that a horse, of course, has an infinite number of legs.”
He crumpled the paper and tossed it aside.
“Any questions?”
After a few moments, Konahamaru tentatively began to raise his hand.
Only to find his desk cleaved neatly in half by a gigantic full-blade. From his new vantage point, the young boy could plainly see 'Property of Cloud Strife' prominently stamped upon the hilt.
Konahamaru blanched visibly. Haku wet himself just a little. Zabuza took on a grand ol' smile.
“Any other questions?”
Right beneath another manhole cover!
Hinata slid the heavy item off to the side, once again exposing herself to red-orange hues as the sun balanced precariously atop the horizon. She leapt up through the newly formed portal and glanced about. An enormous wooden gate stretched towards the clouds behind her.
This...this is on the outskirts of the village...was the Kyuubi trying to escape...?
Tall trees and dense foliage loomed ahead, hopelessly obscuring her vision in the low-light environment. She hastily searched the area as tendrils of shadow began to proclaim their dominance. Without warning, a single image stood out from her grim surroundings.
Some distance down the path, several shafts of sunlight illuminated the crumpled form of a spikey-haired boy. The young shinobi had apparently collapsed before making it any further.
“Naruto-kun!”
At the sound of her voice, Naruto wearily draped an arm across the back of his head. A knapsack lay off to the side, stuffed full with Cup Ramen. Hinata shot off down the trail as fast as she could go, all the while suffering through the aches and pains of the true reason for his abrupt departure.
It wasn't the Kyuubi at all...Naruto was trying to protect the village by running away...after all this time, he still must feel so alone...
The young woman brushed away a few stray tears before skidding to a halt and kneeling beside him. He had managed to get up on his elbows, desperately trying to shield his features from her. Hinata took no notice as she began to pamper and fuss over his injured form.
“Naruto-kun! Please don't try to move! Jiraiya-sama told me everything! The Kyuubi can be stopped if we just-”
She was interrupted by a firm hand gripping her wrist. A hurt expression crossed her features as he tried to push her aside.
“Hinata-chan...get away from me...”
Before he could continue, the young man's supporting arm began to wobble, and he dropped back to the earth, exhausted. The Byakugan heiress suppressed a surge of heartache at his scathing words.
Naruto-kun, I...I just wanted to help. All I've ever dreamed of was for you to notice me...why is it so hard to tell you that...?
As a stream of tears began to trickle down her cheeks, Naruto dredged his face out of the dirt and regarded her with a single half-closed eye.
“Hinata-chan, please...get out of here...I don't want you to get hurt...”
The young woman blinked in surprise. Is that what he had been trying to say? She was the only person around that could help him, and he would give that up so she could be safe? Even now, with his life potentially in danger, he still thought about her well-being before his own...
An embedded sense of warmth began to gather in the kunoichi's chest, washing away all her previous worries, doubts and regrets.
“Naruto-kun, I...I'm not going anywhere...I won't leave you, ever again...”
Unscrewing a jar of ointment, Hinata took a firm hold of his shoulder and pulled with all her might. He stiffened somewhat before rolling onto his back, looking up at her pitifully. She barely managed to stifle a shriek.
Blood red chakra swirled and pulsed along half his body. A perfect split down the middle revealed a demonic reflection cast against his childlike innocence. The feral likeness of a fox reflected sinisterly from the confines of a vulpine pupil.
His clawed, chakra-imbued hand reached out to her. She had to stop herself from pulling back in fright.
“Hinata...”
A single shimmering orb of cerulean blue bored a hole straight through her heart.
“Run.”
Hmm, seems like my natural affinity for writing longer and longer chapters has once again taken over. To be honest, I can't tell if this is the funniest, stupidest or silliest thing I've ever written. Might as well play it safe and consider it all three. :)
I also want to take the time to mention that even though a lot of my scenes are obvious parodies of famous shows/movies/whatever, I want to specifically mention that the Uchiha Pet (damn, I love that one) and Zabuza's little math lesson are not my original ideas. I saw a picture of Sasuke's face plastered over a Chia Pet at YouTube and knew immediately I had to use it. As for the horse thing, I got it from a friend at school.
So that's my improvised disclaimer, straight from the horse's mouth. (...wait, dammit)
Anyway, I'd be overjoyed to hear what you all think so far. Would you believe I actually had to cut out certain parts just to make it shorter? Somehow, I still have a few tricks left up my sleeve for next chapter. Oh, and don't forget about the main event.
Kyuubi Naruto versus Hyuuga Hinata. (I'm grinning already just thinking about how to write the fight scenes...)
Ok, see you all later.
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