Chapter One

We’ve got the script to Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest! Thank you, internet. To the two people who liked my Another Screwed Up Versionof PotC: CotbP, I hope you like this one as well.

Just a side note… THIS WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR THE SECOND MOVIE!

-

Characters:

Elizabeth Swann: Played by a friend, she's wearing plain dresses unless otherwise noted. Has short blond hair, blank blue eyes and glasses. About 5'5". Played by a friend.

Miss Gibbs: Played by everyone's favorite authoress (not), I'll be wearing worn brown pants, black suede boots, a yellowed long-sleave pirate blouse (home made, baby!) and a fitted green vest. Shoulder length brown hair and matching eyes with a bit too much eyeliner. About 5'7" and curvy. Jack and I seem to have a bit of a romance going on. That’s bound to mess up the storyline a bit… I’ve also got a thing for bursting into song.

Governor Swann: Played by my young cousin. He's wearing a sad rendition of Swann's outfit in the movie. has long(ish) blond hair and is very thin, with small brown hair. About 5' even..

James Norrington: Played by another cousin. Dressed in clothes not unlike Swann's. Has same appearence only is heavier and has curly hair. ‘Tis fun to mock him

Will Turner: Played by my oldest cousin (who's only a year older than me). He's wearing a newer version of my outfit, all in brown. Looks like Swann but is taller than me and full of himself. We’re at odds with each other most of the time… it’s fun to bother him.

Captain Jack Sparrow: Played by my awesome friend. Dressed in black pants, brown suede boots, a yellowed pirate shirt, a long brown vest anda black trenchcoat. Wears a wig made of a dyed mop, a smexy hat and a red bandanna. He's about 6'3", tall and thin. He and I always seem to get a romance going in these stories, too… weird…

Extras: Everyone on my little sister’s hockey team.

Pintel: Price checker from work. Has long blond hair, blue eyes, is a bit chunky, and has some facial hair. Dressed in a simalar mannor to Jack without Jacket, Bandana and wig.

Ragetti: Another price checker. Has brown hair that is in his brown eyes, thin and tall, and glasses. We've painted a golf ball up for him. He has the same outfit as Pintel.

Captain Barbossa: Random guy from my biology class. Tall, thin, with curly blond hair, blue eyes and a deap voice. Dressed in the same mannor as Jack but with black instead of brown, no wig, no bandanna and a bigger hat.

Jack the Monkey: Will be played by my stuffed monkey, Jimmy. Jimmy wears boxers with smiley faces and a red t-shirt.

Cotton: Random dude from my driver’s Ed class. He’s short, blond, and loud. This should keep him quiet… he's dressed in the same stuff as Gibbs.

Cotton's Parrot: a stuffed parrot. Voice over done by the origional cotton.

Beckett: My little sister’s boyfriend. How did she get a boyfriend? One never knows. He's a shorter, cleaner version of Barbossa, dressed in an outfit like Norringtons.

Davy Jones: Alright, Robert, you asked to be in this, and so you shall be. Davy Jones shall be played by a guy I met at the movie store. He’s got… kind of curly brown hair, and is my height… not that his hair will be noticed, with the costume… BUT, the best thing about him is his blue eyes! He actually has eyes pretty close to those of DAVY JONES! His costume (and the costumes of his crew) are cunstructed of prate costumes and fabric/panty hose over metal hanger frames.

Marty: the little boy I baby-sit. He’s short with blue eyes and brown hair.

Bootstrap Bill: My dad. He played Mr. Brown in the last one. He is tall, with brown hair and eyes. I get my insanity from him.

Maccus: Um… alright, I need to think of someone… Ah! I have it! Maccus will be played by my sister’s friend’s brother! A tall guy with curly blond hair and a unibrow. HA!

i Same guy who plays Maccus.

Tia Dalma: My driving buddy from driver’s Ed. She’s a few inches taller than I am with brown hair, blue eyes and glasses. She played Anamaria in the first Pirates tale, but since Anamaria seems to have disappeared…

Director: That nasty girl we all know and love. Kaitlyn the bad. She’s about four inches shorter than me, has long brown hair and brown eyes. Despite her innocent looks, she’s satanically evil. And, as well as the director, Kaitlyn shall play a character in this fiction. Which character? Well… can you say, “Kraken”?

-

The first scene we see is one of an uncharacteristically serious nature. It's snowing (I’m in Canada: it’s snowing every bloody day lately) and the area is deserted except for the bride, Elizabeth, facing the ocean, bouquet of lowers in her hands, hair and dress soaking from the melted snow. Ships with the East India Trading Company insignia on their flags anchor in the bay and the soldiers swarm the smithy. Elizabeth rushes off.

Will comes out of the smithy in irons, surrounded by soldiers.

“Will!” Elizabeth runs to his side. “Will. Why is this happening?”

“I don't know.” He replies.

There’s a long pause. The director sighs and mutters, “You’re supposed to tell her she looks beautiful.”

Will groans. “But she’s just my cousins friend!”

Gibbs rushes onto the scene with a book in her hand and whaps Will over the head. “YOU BE NICE!”

The director stares at Gibbs in awe. “Wow… you’re acting like… like me…”

Gibbs turns, thinking for a moment. “I am, aren’t I?”

Elizabeth nods. “And you’re sticking up for me.”

Gibbs inches away, her face pale. “I think there’s something wrong with me…”

-

Will is slapped with a script until he finally sputters, “You look beautiful!”

“I think it's bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding.” Elizabeth mutters.

“Make way. Let me through!” Governor Swann pushes past the soldiers towards the couple, but he is barred by crossed spears. “How dare you! Stand your men down at once! Do you hear me?”

A man turns. “Governor Weatherby Swann, it's been too long.”

Swann squints at him. “Cutler Beckett?”

“It's Lord now,” Beckett replies. “Actually.”

The spears are uncrossed and Swann makes his way towards Beckett. “Lord or not, you have no reason and no authority to arrest this man.”

“BURNT!” Elizabeth cackles.

A script comes flying at her head. “Shut up.”

“In fact, I do. Mr. Mercer?” Mercer brings a wooden box to Beckett and Beckett takes out a paper. “The warrant for the arrest of one William Turner.” Beckett hands it over to Governor Swann.

Swann looks it over and is horrified. “This warrant is for Elizabeth Swann!”

“Oh, is it? That's annoying, my mistake... Arrest her.”

“On what charges?!” Elizabeth shouts as the soldiers grab her.

“Aha, here's the one for William Turner.” Beckett hands another other paper over; Governor Swann looks at it in disbelief. “And I have another one for a Mr. James Norrington. Is he present?”

“What are the charges?” Elizabeth screams.

Gibbs inches onto the set and snatches the keys from a soldier’s belt. She then proceeds to rescue Will and Elizabeth. Why? It seems that Will is holding her mp3 player hostage and won’t give it back unless he’s free.

“Commodore Norrington resigned his commission some months ago.” Swann mutters.

“I don't believe that was the answer to the question I asked.”

Now that Elizabeth and Will are free, Gibbs snatches her mp3 player back and runs off stage, to where Jack is waiting for her. They each take a headphone and begin to listen to music…

Suddenly, the director descends upon them and beats the crap out of the both of them. Once that’s done, she proceeds to cut Gibbs’ headphones into a thousand tiny pieces.

The director then makes her way onto the set and, after punching Will in the face, she proceeds to lock him and Elizabeth back into their irons.

-

“Lord Beckett,” Will growls, “In the category of questions not answered…“

“We are under the jurisdiction of the King's governor of Port Royal and you will tell us what we are charged with.” Elizabeth hisses.

“NO!” Gibbs’ voice can be heard from off stage once she comes too, “SHE KILLED THE MUSIC!”

The people on stage begin to snicker. Swann continues, regardless, and his voice is almost lost in the din.

“The charge is conspiring to set free a man convicted of crimes against the Crown and Empire and condemned to death for which the...” Swann breaks off in a horrified gasp.

“For which the punishment, regrettably, is also death.” He glares at Will. “Perhaps you remember a certain pirate named Jack Sparrow.”

“Captain!” Will and Elizabeth snap in unison.

“Captain Jack Sparrow.” Elizabeth growls.

“Captain Jack Sparrow.” Becket sighs, “Yes, I thought you might…”

-

On the Pearl, Gibbs is walking around and singing, obviously drunk as a skunk. “50 men on a dead man's chest. Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum. Drink and the devil had done for the rest. Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum. Ha ha ha ha ha!”

“SHUT THE HELL UP OUT THERE!” A random pirate shouts, “I’M TRYIN’ TO SLEEP!”

“You shut up, you bloody hermit!” Gibbs growls. She drinks from the bottle in her hand and an ominous gong sounds. She looks up as crows fly overhead.

-

The next scene is a horrible one. It’s a pirate prison. A whimpering and screaming prisoner is dragged inside, his ankles rubbed raw from manacles. A crow (crows are played by my sister's hckey team, dressed in black) rips an eye from another pirate (actually... it's just a teddy bear) in a hanging cage. Nearby, surf breaking on the rocks below and men are throwing coffins into the waves. The camera follows one as it floats away.

A crow settles on the lid and starts pecking at it until it is blown away by a pistol shot that comes from inside the coffin. A hand holding a pistol emerges and swings around in case anyone else should be about before retreating and Jack Sparrow breaks through the wood, pulls out his favorite hat, and puts it on his head.

He looks around again before reaching into the coffin. A cracking can be heard and Jack pulls out a skeletal leg (a rake, actually, covered in beek jerky and other gross stuff that generally smells bad), deformed from it’s owner’s time in the prison. “Sorry, mate.”

“OH MY FRIGGING GOD THAT IS SO GROSS!” Tia Dalma and Elizabeth can be heard shouting off stage.

“SHUT UP AND BUGGER OFF!” Gibbs screams, tossing her bottle at them.

Jack sighs and speaks to the skeleton in the casket. “Do you mind if we make a little side trip?” there’s no answer and he begins to paddle along. “I didn't think so.”

-

Gibbs helps Jack aboard the Pearl by grabbing onto the skeleton leg and pulling it up. She grimaces and tosses it aside before throwing her arms around Jack. “Not quite according to plan.”

“Complications arose, ensued, were overcome.” Jack hugs her tight and then walks towards the helm

Gibbs follows after him. “You got what you went in for, then?”

“Muhuh.” Jack waves around a rolled up piece of cloth and is met by a disgruntled looking crew

Gibbs clears her throat. “Captain, I think the crew…” she rubs the back of her neck in embarrassment, muttering, “Meaning me, as well… were expecting something a bit more... shiny. What with the Isla de Muerta going all pear-shapes, reclaimed by the sea and the treasure with it…”

“And the Royal Navy chasing us all around the Atlantic.” A pirate shouts.

“And the hurricane!” Marty hisses.

Gibbs sighs and pokes her boyfriend. “All in all, it seems some time since we did a speck of honest pirating… after all, a girl’s gotta buy clothes… and music… and feminine products…”

Jack winces at the mention of feminine products. “Shiny?”

“Aye,” Gibbs replies, “Shiny.”

“Is that how you're all feeling, then?” Jack asks, poking random members of the crew. “Perhaps dear ol' Jack is not serving your best interests as Captain?”

Gibbs bites her lip, shrugging.

“Eh tu, Gibbs?” Jack sighs.

Gibbs’ eyes fill with tears. “That’s not fair! It’s not my fault!”

“Awk, walk the plank!” Cotton’s parrot (er... Cotton) cries. Cotton puts a hand over it's beak before it continue

Jack cocks his pistol and aims it at the parrot “What did the bird say?!”

“Do not blame the bird.” A pirate says, calming Jack. “Show us, what is on that piece of cloth there.”

Before Jack can unroll the cloth, Barbossa's undead monkey drops down in front of Jack and takes the cloth. It manages to run a bit before Jack shoots it and it drops the cloth

“You know that don't do no good.” Gibbs mutters, grabbing the pistol from Jack’s hand.

“It does me.” Jack replies with a grin.

Gibbs glares at him.

“Ah, come on, luv.” Jack bends over her. “Ya know ya can’t stay mad at me. Give us a hug.”

Gibbs wiggles with discomfort under his gaze, and then sighs loudly. “Alright, alright…” she puts her arms around him.

Marty picks up the unrolled cloth, drawing attention to it again. “It's a key.”

Jack snatches it from him, pushing Gibbs away for the moment. “No, much more better! It is a drawing of a key.” Jack unfolds it and shows it to the crewEveryone stares in silence and Jack seems disconcerted. “Gentlemen, what do keys do?”

“Keys... unlock things?” a pirate suggests.

“And whatever this key unlocks, inside there's something valuable.” Gibbs adds, pushing her way to Jack’s side. “So, we're setting out to find whatever this key unlocks!”

“No.” Jack replies.

Gibbs looks at him in confusion.

“We don't have the key,” Jack explains, “We can't open whatever it is we don't have that it unlocks. So, what purpose would be served in finding whatever need be unlocked, which we don't have, without first having found the key what unlocks it.”

“So, we're going after this key!” Gibbs corrects herself, reaching for the cloth.

Jack snatches it away. “You're not making any sense at all.”

Gibbs looks even more confused.

“Any more questions?” Jack asks.

“So... Do we have a heading?” Marty asks.

“Ah!” Jack goes for his compass. “A heading. Set sail in a...” the compass needle swings this way and that without stopping and Jack's finger follows it. “… general...” he picks a random direction. “That way direction!”

“Captain?” Gibbs asks, turning back to stare at her insane boyfriend.

“Come on. Snap to and make sail, you know how this works. Oi, oi!” Jack shoos pirates out of his way as he walks to his cabin

Marty goes to Gibbs’ side. “I've notice lately, the Captain seem to be acting a bit strange... er.”

“Setting sail without knowing his own heading,” Gibbs nods in agreement. “Something's got Jack vexed. You mark my words, what bodes ill for Jack Sparrow, bodes ill for us all.?