Disclaimer: I neither own nor make money offa this. I couldn't make crack like this up if the ideas didn't come from others after all.

WARNINGS: SPOILERS! Pay attention here people, this whole series will be nothing but spoilers for the manga around chapter 300 and up. You'd better have read this warning, cause I'm just going to laugh if anyone complains about being spoiled. Maybe next time you'll pay attention to the warnings, especially when they're bolded like that.

Notes: Yes, I said series. A series of drabbles, because I'm deranged and evil. I saw that chapter, you know which one, and couldn't stop laughing. Also, denial is my natural state of being in fandom.

Getting A Head
by fairady

"You can't be serious!" Ino's outburst sorely lacked anything that could be called respect.

Shikamaru barely heard the Hokage's swift reprimand, his attention was focused on the black metal box on the desk before them. Ideas and alternate plans swirled through his mind at an alarming rate.

"There has to be someone more qualified for this than us, Hokage," Ino was more respectful now, but no amount of respect could cover the definate whine in her voice.

Chouji shifted nervously beside her, but wisely said nothing and let Ino continue her desperate bid for freedom. It just might be the thing that saved them, because Shikamaru wasn't coming up with anything better. Qualified or not, they were screwed.

"We're not even a team anymore!" Ino exclaimed.

Which was probably the whole point. No missions together meant one of them would almost always be in the village. The fact that they used to be a team was just a bonus, because it meant that they would always know who was where and be able to set up a smooth transfer of duties. Shikamaru stared at the box finally resigning himself to their fate.

Ino was still going strong though, "Shouldn't someo-"

"That's enough," the Hokage's voice was pure steel, and even Ino straightened at it. "This is too dangerous to leave to chance. I don't care how you work it out amongst yourselves, but this," she pushed the box forward with one finger, "will always be with one of you. Do I make myself clear?"

Bitching and moaning aside, there was only one answer to a direct order. They saluted and took the box.

Ino always seemed to have the worst luck when it came to games of chance. She growled at the short straw in her hand, but otherwise didn't protest the outcome. Their preferred method of choosing the fall guy had become a solemn tradition over the years. That didn't stop her from glaring murderously at them both her former teammates before taking the box from Chouji and stalking home.

She lasted all of five hours before calling them come over and commanding them to take it as far away from her as possible. She shoved the resealed box at Chouji and slammed the door shut. They continued to hear her screaming for another two blocks.

"Well, we knew Ino wouldn't pull guard duty for long anyway," Chouji shrugged the whole thing off and smiled. "Guess I'll be the one taking care of it."

Shikamaru nodded and watched his friend turn down a side-street, black box tucked firmly under one arm. Problem solved as far as he was concerned. He could finally go back to that nap Ino'd interrupted and maybe even visit Asuma in the hospital later. Or not.

Laziness really did rule his life.

Except when a long-silent Conscience teamed up with Guilt to help Friendship kick Laziness' ass. The battle was vicious and ended in Friendship's favor just as he reached his apartment. Groaning, Shikamaru turned back around and headed to Chouji's place.

Judging from to too friendly, manic smile on Chouji wore when he answered the door, he'd done the right thing. The haste that the other man shoved the box at him only proved it. Which was how Shikamaru found himself in his living room being stared down by a severed head.

"So, you're my new keeper?" the head finally drawled, a wicked grin spreading across Hidan's face. "Good! Do you know how much of a pain in the ass it is to be separated from your body? I really owe you for this."

Shikamaru sighed and sank back into his couch silently damning all missions, feelings of guilt, and immortal enemies.

-end-