I can’t do it anymore.

I don’t want to do it anymore.

I’m sorry.

Rebekah Valentine

The note drops from his hand, slowly sailing down and landing on her lifeless body. The empty vial of flash lies next to her, silent proof of what has happened. The thought plays in his mind, maybe she didn’t mean to overdose, maybe it was an accident. Maybe she was just giving into the cravings and overdid it. But he knows it’s not true. What is now lying on the still woman’s body is a suicide note. She wanted to die, and he knows it. He’s just not ready to accept it yet.

He quickly scoops her up, trying to keep hope that maybe Trance can save her. Even if she’s been dead for…he fights the tears as he thinks of how long she might have been lying there before anyone came. How could they have been so ignorant? There was a time when they all cared about each other, when he cared. When someone was missing he’d find them and make sure they were all right. As he runs through the streets of Seefra he searches his memory, tries to remember when he last saw her. Days ago. At least. Trance isn’t going to be able to save her, and he knows it. She’s dead. Dead, and it’s his fault.

She comes out, shaking her head, her eyes filled with tears, and he knows he was too late. He knew it before, but now it’s confirmed. Suicide. Beka Valentine who grew up with the worst odds and yet came out strong, Beka who’s had to wake up every day without knowing if she’d live through the day. Beka who saved him from the black hole, who helped him rebuild his dream, fought her flash addiction for four years, survived ridicolously unlikely odds is now dead. Because she wanted to be. And it’s all his fault. Because he never stood by her, like he said he would.

Snip. Snip. No matter how many times I snip off new branches, no future seems good enough. There is no future where she’s there, where everything goes to plan and it all ends the same. Pain, suffering…death.

I watch from a distance, my eyes filled with tears. This wasn’t how it was meant to be. It was meant to work out. I always thought it would, but now…nothing can work out, never. I watch them silently.

Dylan, my hero, I expected more of you. You had a dream, but you took everything from the people helping you and gave nothing back. You took everything from her, you took and you took until she had nothing more to give. And yet you kept trying to take more from her, breaking her a little every day. Yet now I see you, unable to hold your tears back as you tell them. What happened to you? Are you so cold and heartless as you appear, or is there someone in there with…love? Regret?

Harper, my friend, your eyes cannot withhold how much you love her. Shock, pain, regret, all in a whirl of sadness in your eyes as Dylan tells you what has happened. You love her, she’s like your sister and now that she’s gone you don’t know what to do. Tell me, why did she have to die for you to realise?

Rhade, I never met you, and I don’t know how much you cared for her even though you always seem to be together. I can read shock…I can read pain, but I’m not sure what kind. Your Nietzschean façade does not betray you.

Doyle, the new avatar, you seem so untouched. Like you don’t care. Maybe you do, somewhere inside you. You should never have existed. I’m sorry.

And finally Beka, my sweet. How could this have happened? How could it have gone this far? I blame Dylan, I blame Harper, I blame you…but mostly I blame myself.

I know what I have to do.

Snip.

“Behind you!”

“Trance??”

“Beka…I’d forgotten how beautiful you are.”

“Uh…thanks.”

I walk up to her, the face I remember so well. The one that failed.

“You’re me…from the future.”

“More or less.”

“Did everything turn out the way it was supposed to?”

“No, things are bad and they are getting worse. I made a lot of mistakes.”

“Are we going to lose?”

“At best, we’re not going to win. You know what we have to do.” I swallow and close my eyes.

“No.” She looks at me, her eyes squinting.

“No? What do you mean?” I grab her arm, much like she just did to me.

“I have seen your future. You have seen mine. Which is worse, I can’t judge, but I’m not leaving. Too much went wrong, too much that I can’t have. I have to stay. You have to leave.” She looks at me, and her face softens.

“I understand,” she says softly and turns, walking away. She looks at me one last time before walking into the distortion.

“Save them,” she whispers. “When the tunnle comes, don’t send Beka.” I nod slowly and turn to Beka who is standing there with a dumbfounded expression.

“Would someone care to translate?” I smile at her, so happy to have her back. To know that I can save her. I can make everything right again.

“Don’t worry about it Beka,” I say, a little too affectionately. “Everything is going to be all right.”

“Dylan?” He walks into the dark room over to where she’s curled up on the sofa. Slumping down next to her, he looks at her. Looks at her like he hasn’t done in a very long time. He sees not only her skin, her nose, her eyes, her lips. He sees past that. He sees the little troubled wrinkle on her forehead. He sees the glazed tears glistening in her eyes. He sees the way her lips part slightly, uncertain of whether to speak or not. He strokes a strand of hair away from her face and she looks at him.

“I’m sorry,” he says simply. She frowns.

“For what, Dylan? It’s all ok now. Trance fixed Harper, we fixed the ship.”

“I know. But I’m sorry for not fixing you.” Her head snaps up, confusion written all over her face.

“I’m…not quite sure what you mean.” He sighs, leaning back on the sofa.

“I promised I’d be with you every step of the way, remember? And then the worldship came and I guess I just neglected it.” He sees her prepare to mumble something in the style of “it’s ok, it doesn’t matter” or “I’m fine now,” but stops her with a finger over her lips. “No, Beka. I should have been there. You’re not ok now, I know you’re not. And I want to be here for you.” She doesn’t speak, just stares at him.

“Dylan, I…I’m not sure…” Unexpectedly, he pulls her closer to him, making her gasp as her body makes contact with his, curled up in a strange embrace.

“I want to be there for you,” he mumbles into her hair, “I want to take you through it and come out with you on the other side. Even when you don’t feel it anymore I want to be there, with you, forever. Do you understand what I’m saying?” She smiles.

“Yes…yes, I think I do.” She tilts her face up and moves closer to him. So close, almost touching…almost…

As their kiss deepens, I smile. I watch them as they fall down horizontally on the sofa, tangled in each other. I know it’ll all be ok now. I know that. Even if I had to change the course of the past.

Because love, life, pain, suffering, it all goes hand in hand. And it’s not nearly as easy to repair as it is to break.

I will not let any of them break again. Not this time.

I see them later, under the sheets, entangled in each other’s arms and each other’s futures. Drifting off again…