|Captain Sparrows Wizardly Encounter
Author: Thirteen Ravens PM
Poor old Cap'n Jack Sparrow. Neither he nor Narcissa or Draco Malfoy in fact, saw this dreadful comedy crossover coming. Beware the wizard Pirate Snape! Implied, but not actual slash.Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor/Romance - Severus S. & Draco M. - Words: 3,370 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 5 - Published: 11-03-06 - Status: Complete - id: 3227842
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Captain Sparrow's Rather Unusually Interesting Wizardly Encounter
It was a quiet, still night on the Ocean waves, the moon casting ghostly shadows on the decks. The captain of the Black Pearl was standing at the fore of the ship, peering intently out at the horizon through a looking-glass. As he scanned the seas on the starboard of the ship, however, he fancied he heard the slightest of movements on the deck behind him. It could have been a ship rat, but it was always wise to be sure. His cutlass was drawn in a second, and he swung round to see a dark-clothed person half standing in the shadow of the foremast.
Jack swayed slightly, cocked his head to the side and squinted at the dark stranger before him.
"You seem somewhat familiar; have I threatened you before?"
The stranger's lip curled, and he moved more into the moonlight, revealing a snarl of bad teeth and a mop of lank, black stringy hair.
"I sincerely doubt it. I don't tend to associate with drunkards."
Jack frowned. "Ah. But then it could have been a woman. It was such a long time ago. Cloudy night, dark… probably…"
The dark stranger's eyes narrowed, and he whipped out a tapered stick, around a foot long, and pointed it directly at the pirate's chest.
Jack pulled his top lip back in amusement, showing off several gold teeth. "And what exactly do you think you are going to do with that little thing mate? Pick my teeth with it?"
The stranger's sneer grew "It's a wand. You are obviously not acquainted with people of the magical world."
"Magical world? Oh but I am acquainted," answered the pirate earnestly with a vague wave of his hand. He then frowned with a sudden afterthought. "Or was. Once...before she dumped me..."
The stranger cocked a suspicious eyebrow. "Indeed? Most Muggles who know about wizards have at least enough intelligence to be afraid of them."
Jack gave a coy smile. "I see where you're coming from mate. But honestly it's the she-wizards you've really got to be 'fraid of. Spooky witchy-witchy, womanly voodou stuff...one cheeky word at the wrong phase of the moon and before you know it you're a dancing chicken." He frowned and squinted at the stranger intently. "Actually...just pretend I didn't tell you that last bit."
"Enough!" Snapped the stranger. "Whereabouts are we?"
Jack Sparrow opened his eyes wide at this. "At sea. On my ship, at sea. Lot of the wet stuff around us, a bit obvious, I would have thought...personally."
"I didn't mean...where, I meant; what are our coordinates?!"
"Oh...those things, sorry mate, I thought you meant...literally...or figuratively..even." replied Jack enigmatically. He suddenly peered down at the waves before looking back up at the man with a curious expression. "But, pardon me for enquiring, if you don't know where you are, then how did you get on my ship?"
The stranger's face had gone rigid, his black eyes flashing dangerously. "Your ship?"
Jack cocked his head to the side again and waved his cutlass about randomly. "Well, not originally," he admitted. "If I was feeling extremely truthful and not at all like the rum-soaked pirate I am, I could say I borrowed it without permission a long, long...long time ago."
"How very honest of you," snarled the stranger. "Because, you see, this deck, this ship, these sails all belong to me!"
Sparrow seemed struck at these words. Employing his usual drunken sway he peered back at the seething man and flashed a smile of incredulous wonder. "Surely not with that English accent, mate? Or, pardon me, it could once have been owned by your Singaporean mother, and an English tea Merchant father – or uncle; what explains the lingo – your Singaporean mother what received an unfortunate head injury from a flying oar which in no way had anything to do with me – and thus, therefore, obviously…explains why you seek to reclaim the Black Pearl. Savvy?"
It obviously wasn't as savvy to the stranger as Jack thought it would be, as no sooner as the word was out of his mouth there was a loud bang, and a long strand of glowing fire had shot from the end of the stranger's wand, curling round and round the defiant pirate until he was completely tied up. Jack blinked, swayed slightly, and let his cutlass fall from his hand, before falling sideways onto the deck with a drunken whump. As Jack rolled over on his back the stranger loomed over him, baring his teeth, close enough to make Jack pull a clearly repulsed expression.
Oh, and he thought Barbossa had had bad dental hygiene.
"Bugger," winced Jack.
"This ship, you rambling, misguided cretin, is not the Pearl, The Black Pearl is a mythical ship, it doesn't exist!" bellowed the stranger angrily, bits of spittle flying from his mouth.
"That's interesting," mused Jack pretending to stare vaguely past him up at the rigging. "But if this is not the Pearl, and this is your ship and not mine, then who might you be?"
The man drew himself up and gave a derogatory sneer. "Severus Snape. Wizard Captain Severus Snape. This is my ship, the Dark Snark, and you, dunderhead buffoon, are trespassing on it!"
"So you want me to believe," mused Jack wryly, squinting up at him with the one eye that didn't have spit in it. "But, if it's really yours, Wizard-pirate Captain…wotsit without a hat - I'd recommend you get a nice one if you want the crew to take you seriously - then you would know a few things about it. How many guns does she have, and what's her fastest rate of knots?"
Wizard Captain Snape's eyes narrowed. "Two gun decks, twenty guns, thirty four oars and ten knots...with the wind. This makes the Dark Snark nigh uncatchable."
Jack swore under his breath and sniffed. "Okay Mr Magick...they we're just warm up questions, naturally. Bet you don't know how many bottles of rum are there left on board?"
Wizard Captain Snape smirked smugly to himself. "One hundred and thirty one – and a half – if you include the bottle you have half-consumed so far tonight. Not that I drink it myself, prefer the French wine, you see. Picked up a cask of that last week."
As shown by an increase in shifty-looking grins Jack was beginning to get rather desperate. "Oh fine, then...but I bet you don't know what the ship's parrot's called?"
Snape merely smirked, pocketed his wand, turned and began to walk away.
"You know Snape; you're very angry…for a man in a dress. From Singapore." Called Jack after him petulantly, wondering how, what, and where by the Seven Seas he was going to get out of this encounter.
Wizard Captain Snape paced the Captain's cabin with his traditionally ill-natured fervour, and a worse expression, all the while being all too aware of a pair of indignant steel-grey eyes glaring at the back of his greasy head.
"When I said help to get me and my mother somewhere safe away from the Dark Lord, I didn't mean three hundred years in the past on some idiot Muggle's ship!" complained Draco Malfoy, sulkily picking at a plate of food on the table.
Opposite him a large Blue and Gold Macaw appeared to repeatedly bob its head up and down in agreement.
"Silence Master Malfoy!" hissed the Captain irritably, still endlessly pacing up and down, thowing eerie shadows against the cabin walls in the dull candlelight. "I grow increasingly tired of your inane prattle, particularly since your useless Boatswain of a father foolishly lost himself to the claws of Davy Jones!"
Draco inhaled abruptly and almost choked on a nut he had just popped into his mouth. "What do you mean my father and Davy Jones?" he blurted out, confused. "What the hell-"
There was a sudden hiss-crack sound and a flash of light; a hex had missed Draco's head by a little more than an inch, causing the Macaw to jiggle on its perch and skwark in alarm.
"Enough of the backchat, whelp!" snapped Snape, eyes flashing madly in the gloom, and wand pointing straight at the boy's face. "Unless of course you suddenly wish to find no tongue in that eel trap of yours!"
His eyes considerably wider than they were, and goggling at his oddly-acting ex-professor, Draco blinked and then frowned nervously.
Snape's expression darkened. "Captain."
There was an awkward pause, wherein the teenager pulled a few more expressions of incredulity.
Snape's eyes glittered and he gave a sinister smile. "That wasn't so difficult, was it? Now; before I lose my temper altogether: get out!"
Before he shut the door to the cabin, Draco peeked back in at his old Professor with a distinctly befuddled look on his face.
What in Salazar's name was Snape playing at?
Distinctly lost, Draco decided to pay a visit to his mother on the rear deck of the ship. She was already feeling the effects of seasickness, but having no such remedies on her had been consigned to the Poop deck, where she was slumped in a rather unladylike, rather un-pureblooded, and definitely un-aristocratic manner over the wooden railings.
"Mother," Began Draco awkwardly, trying not to look at the bit of spittle glistening on his mother's chin. "I don't wish to concern you, but Snape's stated to act a bit...oddly."
Keeping a firm hold on the railing, Narcissa looked slowly round at her son, her face ghostly in the moonlight. "Sweetheart, you could help me; go and ask Severus if he has any Potions for this…illness..." When Draco continued to stand and stare at her, her tone grew more strained. "Now, darling, if you please."
"But...you don't understand mother; he keeps on telling me to stop talking rubbish but then he says father's a Boatswain and I'm a Cabin Boy! Then he tried to hex me and make me call him Captain!"
"Away Draco, now," moaned his mother, gesturing feebly with one hand while gripping on for grim death to the railings with the other. "I don't like you seeing me like this - it's embarrassing!"
Hurt and confused, Draco reluctantly turned round. What was he going to do, now?
Even though he'd not spoken the words aloud, a voice inexplicably floated up from the half-deck in answer. A slightly dreamy, definitely slurred voice.
"You know, I can show you the perfect seasickness potion for the fair dame in distress, boy, and possibly more besides, if you do me the kind service of releasing me from these bonds first, that is. My nose is itching like buggery and it would be rather nice to itch it sometime this week."
Frowning, and his wand drawn in caution, Draco peered down onto the lower decks to see the prostrate form of the still magically bound, Muggle Pirate peering enigmatically back up at him.
"How did you climb up on that deck Muggle, you were over...Snape – he left you tied up...right over there!" demanded Draco indignantly.
"Ah, a Wizard too, are you?" answered Jack conversationally. "Wizards always seem to find themselves surprised when they meet the likes of Captain Jack Sparrow."
Jack then tried hard to look at his nails casually, but being so tightly tied up he couldn't get his hand, or head at the right angle and ended up just straining his neck and looking a bit silly.
Draco pointed his pointed nose in the air as only a pureblood could. "Well, you don't look anything more than a filthy bad-smelling, lowlife Muggle to me. I can't see how you would possibly know about potions, unless of course you stole them from someone!"
Just as he was finishing his sentence an awful moan came from up on the poop deck. "Get Snape for me, Draco, now!"
Draco winced, and Jack flashed a gold-toothed grin at him. "Interesting predicament. And if I may say, you seem fairly against getting greasy old Snape up here. You two fallen out, perchance?"
Fuming, Draco climbed down the stairs to the half-deck and pointed his wand right between the captive's eyes.
"You talk rather too much for a Muggle; you should be afraid of us. Where are the potions?"
Jack looked at the tip of the wind until he went slightly cross-eyed, then back at the furious teenager wryly. "Doesn't work this way I'm afraid, young Blondie. No release, no deal."
For a long moment Draco hung there, the tip of his wand quivering, Jack staring back at him enquiringly. Then, finally -
Jack gave a great sigh of relief as the magical bonds disappeared, but just as he stretched and stood up again he found himself hauled up and flipped upside down by the ankle, and staring at the teenage wizard from the wrong way up. There was a tinkling sound as a small horde of coins and other little trinkets rained out from Jack's pockets.
Thinking it was a rope that had hauled him up Jack drew a dagger from inside his boot and went to hurriedly slash at the rope. But there was no rope there. Jack blinked as Draco raised his other hand and summoned his dagger to it with his wand.
"Ever thought of becoming a pirate, boy? That was hardly fair, after all!" He scowled sullenly.
Draco smirked like the brat he was. "I don't think it's supposed to be fair. You said you would show me where the potions were if I untied you. You didn't say I couldn't do anything else after I untied you, did you, you idiot!"
Jack paused to blow away his plaited beard tassels, which were flopping over and tickling his nose. "You, know Blondie, you remind me a smidgen of a troublesome bo'sun I had once. Though with much less hair. And better hygiene. And not Irish...or dead..."
There was a clatter as something else fell from Jack's pocket. He winced and shut his eyes as he recognised what it was.
Draco was on it in a second, his grey eyes greedily studying the magic compass by the light of his wand.
"This is enchanted, isn't it? I can tell."
Jack peered upwards at the deck, trying to sound unflustered. "Maybe, maybe not. But maybe it's just broken, and an old keepsake. Maybe an old lover of mine gave it to me. Which she did."
Draco raised a skeptical eyebrow. "You're bluffing. I recognise the maker's mark anyway; Father has a 13th century enchanted eye-glass with the same mark."
Jack pulled a constipated expression. "Really? Oh, Bugger."
Draco came in closer, and stared coldly into Jack's upside-down eyes. "So, where did you get this bit of Dark Magic, Muggle?"
"Considering its Voodou magic what works it, ever thought of asking your father the same thing…?" was the dry reply.
Seeing he wasn't going to make any friends talking in such a way Jack pulled what he thought might be an appealing face to an angry wizard teenager. "But let's think about this a moment; we're not exactly getting anywhere here but in circles, are we? So, let me down nicely like a good lad and don't do any further spells or hexes on me and maybe, just maybe, I'll tell you."
Just then there was a slightly shriller and more insistent moan from the poop deck.
"For Salazar's sake, Draco!"
There was a crash and a yelp as Jack Sparrow hit the deck for the second time that night.
Below decks, Wizard Captain Snape was still doing his most impressive chewing on a wasp impression.
Well, if truth be told, the real reality was that there was no Wizard Captain Snape, and no Dark Snark. The real reality was that normal Wizard Snape from 1997 AD in the frenzy of the escape from the Aurors had completely bollixed up his timeturner turning, mistaking the hundreds digit for the hours digit. And as for the accidentally-ending-up-halfway-round-the-world-in-the-middle-of-the-sea bit; well, he was going to convince himself at least that was entirely intentional, and that he meant to go on a Caribbean cruise.
Even if it was 300 years in the past, and the Timeturner shattered on the way...and Timeturners wouldn't be invented until 1852...
But it wasn't so bad, mused Snape to himself. Taking over the idiot Muggle's ship, magically renaming it and proclaiming himself captain had done absolute wonders for his self-esteem. In fact, he had to admit that so far he rather liked being a captain. Much better than avoiding aurors, disguising himself every day, teaching, and kissing the Dark Lord's boots, anyhow. And as for his shipmates; well, Draco and Narcissa had wanted to go somewhere far away from the Dark Lord, hadn't they?
And they had been so very foolish as to not specify where or when...
Slowing to a pace, Snape eyed the cask of red wine by the door and his expression lightened considerably from an inhuman snarl to a mellow sneer. He scoured a grog tankard clean and poured himself a pint of wine. Taking a swig, he stalked across to the Captain's chair and lowered himself into it with a satisfied smirk.
The ship's large, black leather bound journal lay opened in front of him, dated 2nd August, 1703. It was so far blank for the day. Being unable to resist, Snape took out his quill and began to scrawl a plan of action.
Sail to England
Apparate to London and pick up magical supplies...
His thoughts then blew inexplicably off course to the idiot Muggle pirate. He did look the sort of man to have dabbled with a witch. Perhaps he did know more than he appeared to. Severus frowned; Perhaps he would know where to find decent magical supplies in this part of the world?
He wasn't a bad looking pirate at all, either. Tanned, toned and tattooed...like Sirius Black but better weathered and slightly more muscular...
Severus scowled. Where in hell did that thought just come from?
He'd been at sea a few hours and already...?
Perhaps it was the sea air blowing the dungeon cobwebs out of him..?
Snape then looked down at the journal and realised with horror that his quill had just helpfully written all of his thought process down for him. He grabbed hold of it and swiftly scratched the lot out, before slamming the book shut.
But...making a new start...he had no idea why he had never thought of this before. Yes, from now on he would forget the past, start a whole new life, and be known as Wizard Captain Snape, the scourge of the Seven Seas!
Sod Potter, Sod the Prophesy and Sod the Poxy Dark Lord.
And he could always obliviate the Malfoys if they got too annoying.
"Awk, where's yer hat Cap'n?! Where's yer hat, me darlin'?!" skwarked the macaw suddenly, flapping his wings.
Taking another swig of wine, Snape flicked his wand lazily backwards.
"Silencio," he smirked.
A/N: Just a bit of rather scary crossover fluff I wrote ages ago and have just decided to post. (Those waiting for Severence -don't worry, I have not sailed off course!)