‘Abandon hope all ye who enter here’.

The inscription over the gates of hell, according to Dante

I…I

Let me introduce you to Shinji Ikari, an otherwise unassuming 14 year old Japanese boy. From his short brown hair, to his grey blue eyes, his white t-shirt and black trousers There was nothing to really set this slightly thin boy apart from a crowd.

Except for the fact that, save for one speeding driver, he was the only living person above ground within the coastal town of New Fukuoka.

“Perhaps I should find a shelter.” he muttered to himself, glancing around looking for an easy evacuation route. The he looked down at the well used, laminated photograph in his hands. A young purple haired woman in her mid to late twenties by the name of Misato Katsuragi, with what could best be described as an ample and well formed figure.

And the smeared caption with an arrow pointing to her chest that read.

“These are for you my special guy, just use them sparingly or you might go blind. :) winks”

Shinji had long since come to the disappointing conclusion that the beer and lavender smelling picture had not really been intended for him at all. After all, it was well known to the Japanese boy that nothing that good could ever possibly happen to him.

Said hypothesis was then confirmed by why sounded like a distant rumble of thunder overhead

“Great, rain.” the boy groaned. “That would just be typical.” he sighed, resigned to getting wet.

Instantly, the flaming wreck of what had moments earlier been an Air force VTOL crashed into the road ahead of him, a blast of heat from the burning jet fuel washing over him and soaking to the very core of his body.

And then, the giant monster that began to crest the hill in front of him, swatting another aside as if it was nothing but a fly.

Every instinct told him to run, every breath panicked and gasped. He tried to run, he really wanted to, but his white tennis shoes remained mysteriously rooted to the concrete footpath.

A second rolling drumbeat crash behind him, followed by a sudden rush of superheated air picked him up and threw him into the road. Stunned, aching and sore, and more then a little disorientated, Shinji slowly pulled himself to his feet, dusting his clothes off gently.

His brain, struggling to comprehend what had just happened to him, saw only the picture held in his hand. Looking up from, he saw the horrified face of the same woman in the picture speeding towards him at sixty miles an hour.

“Typical.” he said, deadpan.

The next thing the boy was aware of was a gentle pressure on his legs, before he was launched off the bonnet of the speeding blue Alpine A310.

The driver of the car, realising her immediate love for the dead boy, despite having never actually met him, wept inconsolably over the dying body of the young child. Weakly, Shinji looked up into her brown eyes, knowing for the first time that he was loved, and that he would probably be very dead, very soon.

“Ty…” He sputtered, blood running from his lips.

“Don’t speak.” Misato placed her finger against his soft lips, forcing smile for the boy’s benefit.

Around her, the view of the city and the burning aircraft shimmered, before being replaced by an all enveloping image of some sort of laboratory.

“Not an angsty flashback!” the driver gasped. “Oh no! Stay away from the light.” she begged, shaking the boy to wake him. “You’re not going to die.”

“…pic…” Shinji hacked.

(Angsty Flashback)

“Mama, Mama” A four year old Shinji patted joyfully against a pane of glass.

“Opening primary circuits.” An older scientist with curled brown hair spoke.

“Proceed.” Shinji’s father ordered, pushing his raybans up on his nose. “Good luck, Yui.” he smiled.

“Mama’s in the big machine.” the little child announced.

“Yes.” the elder Ikari smiled down at him. “Yes she is.”

Instantly a dangerous alarm sounded, causing everyone to jump.

“What is it?” Shinji’s father demanded an answer.

“It’s…” the scientist stuttered, struggling to force the words past her own disbelief. “It’s…..”

Immediately, disappointingly just as it reached the good bit, the image of the laboratory was replaced by a horrifying pale flat blue and a message in white letters.

Critical Error 404:: Repressed Memory Not found. This program will now be shut down.

(/Angsty Flashback)

“…al.” Shinji coughed with his dying breath, before his body went limp.

The boy formally known as Shinji Ikari died as his eyes bluescreened, rolling over into the back of his head.

“NOOOOOOOO!!!” Misato screamed cheesily into the heavens.

Shortly afterwards, Third Impact happened and all of humanity was eradicated in a burst of spectacular visuals, angsty psychoanalysis, marshmallow Rei and cool music.

But that would make for a very boring fanfiction, wouldn’t it?

Author: Deus Ex Machina!

I…Quack Evangelion Fanfiction:: Asuka Saga…I
The fic that does to Neon Genesis Evangelion what Areal does to Asuka’s brain.

Hideaki Anno has not given his permission to do this, neither has Gainax or the (Deleted by United States National Security Agency for being Contrary to our Plans for World Domination.) But the only money I’ll make is from people paying me not to write anymore so, what the hell, twenty percent of nothing’s still nothing.

And yes, I know it’s retarded, don’t point that out to me. I think there may be a reason why nobody’s done anything like this before. So

Caution: Character Bashing, Author Insertion, Stupidity. The letter ‘H’, Canon Raping, A Toyota Hilux, Poor Humour and generally bad plot.

May cause verbal diarrhoea and sexual dysfunction if taken internally.

I…I

“HAIL COMMANDER IKARI!!” Asuka screeched, snapping her heels to attention in a perfect military fashion. She was ready and willing to go out and prove herself and give her life against this new deadly threat.

Those members of the bridge crew not fortunate enough to cover their ears in time were instantly and permanently deafened by her shrill voice.

‘This outta impress him’ The redheaded German thought herself, saluting abruptly. After all, how could the fifty-odd year old object of her desires not notice her? With her long flowing red hair and perfectly sculptured figure, she could easily be mistaken for a grown woman, and not the thirteen year old girl she was, especially since she was wearing a red, form fitting moulded plastic plugsuit that served to accentuate her feminine attributes.

Instead, as the crew around her evacuated the wounded, the Commander just stared thoughtfully at the object held in his right hand.

“Yui.” he spoke softly to himself. “It has begun. I shall soon be with you once more.”

‘Ignored again’ Asuka thought dejected, her shoulders dropping.

The LCD screen fitted to the PSP the Commander was using flashed, accompanied by a sudden, soul crushing beep.

“What?! BAD ENDING!!” The elderly Commander yelled, furiously throwing the black plastic games player to the deck below. It clattered helplessly along the tiled concrete floor, before coming to a halt at the feet of a certain blue haired albino, also wearing her white fetish…err…plugsuit. Curiously, Rei picked the games player up, surprised to find it was still working. Frozen on the screen was a picture of a solitary pair of legs, still standing despite missing everything else above the waist.

“Neon Genesis Evangelion:: Lonely Angel Dating Simulation.” The game’s screen read.

The image strangely familiar to her, she wondered what this meant for a moment, before quietly pocketing the game and deciding she would investigate it’s meaning later. Right now, she had duties to perform.

Unfortunately, the blue haired girl coughed and spluttered slightly, feeling sick as she struggled to maintain her balance for a moment, before gently wiping a small trickle of blood from her lips.

Gruffly, Commander Ikari cleared his throat for a second, before returning to his trademark money saving, and damned intimidating, pose. Staring through orange tinted sunglasses over his laced, white gloved hands, he spoke once more.

“Pilot Soryhu.” he said.

The red haired Bavarian smiled, finally getting the recognition she knew she deserved.

“Your presence at this point in the series is contrary to canon and cannot be permitted.” the old mans voice cut like ice. “You will be sent away until the time for your arrival is correct.”

“What?” The German girl stuttered, stunned, wondering why she was being. “But I’m the Title character!” she protested, stamping her foot.

“But you are not the main character.” The Commander corrected her abruptly, verbally kicking the legs out from under her.

Asuka swallowed for a moment, opening her mouth to try and stutter a furious, defensive comeback.

“I have no time for Childish petulance.” Ikari cut her off with a swift movement of his left hand, pressing an unseen red button under his desk.

A look of stunned surprise appeared on Asuka’s face as she felt the ground beneath her feet disappear. For an instant, it seemed as if it was only her disbelief and ignorance of the fact that she was now suspended by nothing but thin air that was holding her up.

It passed in the blink of an eye, before she disappeared, followed by a long terrified shriek that trailed off into a distant splash of LCL far below. The mysterious passageway closed itself up as quickly as it had appeared, leaving no trace of its location save for two footprints in the dust to indicate where Asuka had been standing.

“You’re angry over losing the game again, aren’t you?’ The grey haired Sub-Commander Fuyutski whispered his question to his superior.

“Yes.” Gendo answered simply.

“Dr. Akagi.” he quickly changed the subject. “What is the location of the Third Child?”

‘So, you only turn to me after you’re little machine rejects you’ The bottle blonde doctor thought darkly.

“Captain Katsuragi has been sent to retrieve him.” she answered…professionally. “Estimated time of arrival…well.” she thought for a moment. “Honestly, I don’t know.”

The bridge crew winced as they heard a thump behind them. Rei was lying motionless on the deck, bleeding from her mouth.

“Not again.” the commander growled. “You had assured me you had fixed this problem.” he glared at Dr. Akagi below him.

“Um…I thought I had too.” she responded sheepishly, sweatdropping noticeably.

I…I

Deep in the Underground Secret Facility known as the Geofront.

“Sure is lucky we found that convenient plot hole.” Misato smiled at the brown haired boy as she led him through another darkened, unremarkable corridor. “We can just carry on with the action without boring everybody with a detailed explanation of how we got here.”

“Uh.” He nodded, more interested in the grey dossier he was reading.

“NERV” he said to himself. “Is that my father’s agency?” he asked the red jacketed captain.

“Yup. The secret ideological organisation NERV and this is our secret underground base.” she answered brightly “We’re charged with defending the entire world from a secret enemy. But since defending the entire world with just one organisation is a bit difficult, we’ve decided only to defend this fortress city. The city of Tokyo-3.”

“What happened to F-City, F-prefecture?” Shinji enquired innocently.

“Sssshhhh!.” Misato silenced him abruptly, pressing her finger against his lips before scanning suspiciously around her as if looking or expecting something. “We can’t say that.” she began an explanation, seeing the boys confusion. “Because of Copyright reasons we’ll get sued if we mention anything to do with ‘that animé’ again, and we’ll get kicked out of the ‘Evangelion’ section. This is supposed an EVA fanfic after all.” she returned to her cheerful smile.

Shinji just gave an interested hum, still following Misato into the lift in front of him, more interested in the contents of the manual in front of him. In fact, he was so interested in what he was reading, he failed to notice the fanservice when the blonde Dr. Ritsuko Akagi stepped into the lift wearing nothing but a tight dripping wetsuit.

“So, is this the Third Child.” the well formed Doctor spoke, startling the young boy.

For a moment his eye wandered across her body before eventually arriving at her face, looking down at him with mild curiosity.

“Um…Ikari, Shinji.” he introduced himself with a nervous bow.

“Dr. Ritsuko Akagi.” she answered. “Director of Project-H”

“Project-H?” Shinji questioned smiling slightly, the phrase seeming strangely familiar. And the young teenage male had come to know that things with ‘H’ in the title were generally of an interesting nature..

“Follow me and I’ll show you.” she answered, giving a slight gesture with her head as the door opened.

Shinji’s heart leapt for a moment as he realised he was being led to a door by two beautiful women and that this was somehow related to that letter H. He came to the conclusion that this could only be good.

That crashed down as he quickly remembered that he was Shinji Ikari nothing that good could possibly happen to him.

And yet, the room they had led him into was pitch black. Maybe they could be planning for real?

“What about the lights?” he stuttered, before mentally kicking himself as he realised it would just destroy the mood.

Instantly, his eyes were stabbed as the lights came up, painfully bright. Rubbing his eyes, he struggled to comprehend what he was seeing, wondering or for a moment what exactly the purple machine was.

“A truck!” The Child gasped, shocked. “A Toyota pick up truck.”

“Correct,” Dr. Akagi nodded. “A 1988 Diesel Toyota Hilux pickup.”

“Is this…” his mind raced, struggling to understand what, if anything this had to do with the strange monster he’d seen, or a giant secret underground base, or saving the world. “What the hell is this?!” his voice echoed in the room, which was almost large enough to hold a forty story giant robot,

“When the Earth Moon and Sun are gone, the Toyota Hilux will remain.” The Doctor explained coolly. “It will be eternal proof mankind has ever existed.”

“Huh?” Shinji finally came to the conclusion that perhaps the blue Alpine might have hit him after all, instead of those conveniently placed Sailor Senshi. and that he was really dead, in hell and surrounded by a bunch of loons.

“I’m disappointed in you Shinji.” a gruffly familiar voice spoke in cold distant tones.

“Father.” Shinji half whispered, gripping his hand into a fist.

“Have you never watched Top Gear?”

Author: Okay, this is getting pretty retarded, pretty damn quickly. Deus Ex Machina!

Rewind back About a minute….

Instantly, his eyes were stabbed as the lights came up, painfully bright. Rubbing his eyes, he struggled to comprehend what he was seeing, wondering or for a moment what exactly the purple machine was.

“A face!” The Child gasped, shocked. “A Giant Robot.”

Immediately, Shinji knew that he was now an object of envy for millions of Mecha fanboys across the world. And that thought scared him more than the menacing, single horned, purple armoured face in front of him.

“Yes” Dr. Akagi nodded. “The Artificial Multi Purpose Secret Humanoid Anti Enemy All Terrain Your Mother Giant Robotic Bio Mechanical Techno-Organoid known as Evangelion Unit 01.”

Shinji was still struggling at ‘purpose’ by the time she finished, and he could swear he’d heard a wisecrack at the expense of his mother in there somewhere.

“Or just EVA for short.” the bottle blonde concluded.

“Is, this my Father’s work?” He asked.

“Correct.” a gruffly familiar voice spoke in cold distant tones. “Shinji” he took a deep resonant breath before exhaling. “I am your Father.”

“Father.” The brown haired boy half whispered, clenching his right hand into a fist, simultaneously betraying a complete lack of knowledge of classic sci-fi.

“You will prepare Unit 01 for immediate launch.” The bearded Commander ordered.

“What?!” Captain Katsuragi shouted up. “But we don’t have a Pilot! Rei’s still being treated in hospital.” she protested.

“A spare has just been delivered.” The elder Ikari answered coolly.

“Who.” The purple haired captain took few moments to process the information. “You mean him!”

“Uh.” Shinji mumbled, staring up into the white eyes of the machine. The blank expression on his face hid the building terror in his stomach. His hands clenched and released, his breath gasping again. He knew it, he knew answering the call from his Father was a bad idea, but he’d done it anyway

“Yes.” Ritsuko nodded. “Shinji.” she turned to the still stunned boy. “You will Pilot it.”

Shinji’s words caught in his throat as he scanned the room, looking into the deadly serious eyes of the doctor. He sniffed slightly, finally realising what was going on around him.

“You don’t really want me at all!” Shinji screamed up at his father, half furious, half in tears. “You just want to use me.”

“Correct.” The man nodded. “Now get in the entry plug.”

“But…” The boy stuttered his comeback still trying to understand what was happening. I don’t think I can.” he whined. “I don’t know how.”

“We will instruct you.” Dr. Akagi said. “You just need to sit in the Entry Plug and do what we tell you.”

“But, I’m just a whining snivelling brat. I’m incapable of doing any good for anybody else.” he continued, snivelling, trying to catch his breath. “I can’t even see that I’m such an idiot to refuse this because millions of Asuka and Rei fanboys the world over would kill to be in my shoes now.”

“You will do it.” Misato directed flatly.

“I just retconned things I’m not even supposed to know at this part of the series!.” he gasped for a breath. “I can’t do it because I’m useless and everybody hates me and bashes my character and I’m such an annoying emo who can’t see he’s got a good thing going right here!” his strained voice reverberated off the cage walls.

Silence fell.

“Fuyutski.” The Commander pushed a button on the Comm-panel beside. “Bring Rei to cage Seven.” he ordered.

“But she’s…” The grey haired sub-commander began a protest.

“I know.” The Commander said with his sinister smirk™.

Shinji looked around at the two women, looking down at him.

“Thank you God.” he whispered under his breath, relieved that he could just go home, finish writing his New Century Terrorist Self Insert and forget all about this craziness with Giant robots, hot girls and mysterious monsters.

‘Hey wait!’ It finally clicked with him. ‘What am…’

His sudden realisation was interrupted by a door swinging open beside him. A medical trolley with someone in white outfit lying on it, attached to an intravenous drip. Before he could figure out who, or what she was the ground beneath his feet was shaken by a sudden reverberant rumble.

“The bastard’s found us.” Gendo snarled.

Shinji noticed the lights above him suddenly begin to get larger for some reason.

To be Continued….

I…I

Two weeks earlier

“You have to double bolt it.” Crew Chief Senkan Yamato yelled up to the orangeshirt hanging the overhead lights. “If you don’t, it’ll fall in an Earthquake, or mysterious enemy attack.”

“Yes” The Orangeshirt answered with a roll of his eyes, sickened by his constant repetition.

“Hey guys.” Orangeshirt2 shouted, excited. “I just found some excellent Sailor Moon/Girl Ranma hentai pics.!” he announced pridefully. “Wanna see!?”

Said overhead floodlight was quickly and permanently abandoned to it’s fate.

I…I

And now, The Conclusion…

Shinji noticed the lights above him suddenly begin to get larger for some reason.

“Oh Typical!” he yelped, ducking down and veering his head with his arms. Against the two tonne floodlight plummeting towards him it would be about as effective as a hedgehog curling up when faced with a juggernaut.

He heard the distant crash and, fully expecting the pain to follow shortly afterwards, braced himself.

It came as some pleasant surprise when all he felt was a cool draught of air blowing past.

Slowly opening his eyes, the first thing he noticed was that he was now in shadow. Looking up, he yelped in fear again as his eyes focused on the purple armoured hand, suspended scant feet above him. Scanning round for a possible explanation, he saw the shocked and stunned Ritsuko and Misato, physically recoil from the machine for a moment.

“Deus Ex Machina.” the blonde doctor whispered under her breath, shocked that the god machine could’ve moved at all under it’s own power.

“What?” Misato stuttered, for an explanation.

It was at that time Shinji noticed that the trolley had been tipped over, and it’s occupant, a young girl, was fallen motionless on the floor. Instantly worried for her safety, he ran to her. Picking her body up in his arms, she felt warm through her white plastic form fitting suit, but limp, with a slight trickle of blood coming from her mouth.

She wasn’t breathing. Her hair was blue, whatever that had to do with anything, and her skin was ghostly pale.

“She’s dead!” he cried out, knowing full well, in his own mind at least, that it was his fault, and his alone. If he’d just agreed to Pilot the thing, they’d never have brought her here, she’d be safe and he’d be dead instead.

“Not again” Ritsuko rolled her eyes, knowing full well what the penalty would be.

“Then who can we use as a Pilot?” Misato demanded desperately

All eyes fell on Shinji.

“You did this on purpose.” he deadpanned.

An expectant silence.

“Alright.” he gave in. “I’ll Pilot it.”

“Pilot what?” A soft voice questioned.

Shinji looked down at the source. The supposedly dead girl was staring curiously up at him with ruby red eyes.

Shinji screamed.

I…I

Sitting in some sort of sealed cockpit, Shinji was beginning to question whether agreeing to Pilot this Evangelion machine had been a good idea. Inhaling a breath of the foul liquid he’d been submerged in, he glared at the image of Dr. Akagi on the holographic display to his right.

Why she’d waited until he’d almost passed out from holding his breath to tell him that the liquid was actually breathable, he didn’t know. He just hoped it woul be finished with real soon, and that he could get on with his life.

From CC-K: “Prepare for Launch!” the image of Misato Katsuragi ordered.

From Unit 01: “Um…Roger.” Shinji copied the Pilot from one of his favourite animé’s.

‘And I actually liked Mecha Animé.’ He thought to himself as he felt the machine he was now part of begin to moved.

Confused, not sure what was happening to him, he could only watch as his biomech was slowly rolled backwards until he felt it lock on to something beside him. Shinji wondered for a moment just how he was supposed to get the machine to the surface.

An instant later, he regretted even thinking about it.

From CC-K: “Evangelion LAUNCH!” Captain Katsuragi yelled.

Shinji screamed as the G-forces bent him double in the cockpit, the giant machine being accelerated violently upward. Just as he was beginning to wonder when it would all end, the cockpit a sudden jerking stop, Shinji following as soon as his head made painful contact with the metal above him.

“Typical.” he groaned, rubbing the sore spot with his hand.

From CC-K: “Okay Shinji.” the Captain smiled at him. “Your enemy should be approaching you now.”

Ahead, an indicator on his display beeped as it locked onto it’s target. Almost too afraid to look, Shinji just stared open mouthed as the same monster that had threatened to crush him and Misato hours earlier rounded the corner.

From it’s rounded pale yellow teddy bear like body, to it’s small eyes, wide cheerful smile and brass ‘100 points’ badge, it exuded a terrifying, cute menace, that paralyzed Shinji’s mind.

“So…cute…” he whimpered.

Seeing it’s new adversary, the monster turned to face him. Opening it’s mouth, it spoke in a voice that echoed ominously across the city, reverberating through Shinji’s skull.

“Puchuu!” It's sweet voice boomed across the city.

To be continued…

I….End of Chapter one…I

Sorry :( I’m just so friggin’ sorry I posted this. But my central heating just broke, it’s winter here and I need the flames to keep me warm.

Slán Libh
Dartz IRL