I…Quack Evangelion Fanfiction:: Asuka Saga…I
The fic that does to Neon Genesis Evangelion what Areal does to Asuka’s brain.

And yes, I know it’s retarded, don’t point that out to me. I think there may be a reason why nobody’s done anything like this before. So

Caution: Character Bashing, Author Insertion, Stupidity, over short, Gary-Stu, Canon Raping, Some Black Lagoon, Real Person, Poor Humour and generally bad plot.

May cause verbal diarrhoea and sexual dysfunction if taken internally.

The Wearing of goggles is recommended, especially considering I just blew this out inside an hour to kill some time at Uni-

I...I

Deep within the bowels of NERV, the Three children stood waiting. What exactly they were waiting for they didn't know, but it was important enough that they had to stand around in their plugsuits, and wait for it.

Which Shinji, didn’t really mind, since it gave him an excellent chance to view the tight figures of his female comrades. Asuka stood beside him, the German girl radiating such an intense, breast swelling pride Shinji felt he needed to wear suncream, or something like that, to save him from getting burned by the firebrand.

Rei on the other hand, had just died again, the pale skinned Albino slowly bleeding out on the concrete floor.

Shinji had long stopped caring about it…

“What are we here for?” he asked Misato, who’d just suddenly popped out of thin air, wearing the skintight radiation protection uniform from Ep. 7.

“We’re getting a new Pilot,” the purple headed beauty answered. “Because of all the screwy shit that happened in the first chapter, the gods of fanfiction have decided to send us a Sixth Child.”

“Oh..”

Something about that sent a chill down Shinji’s spine

Immediately, the lights in the vast concrete chamber went dark.

The Ride of the Valkyries began to blare from hidden speakers. Shinji could swear he could see Asuka’s breasts bouncing in time to the beat of the music, but wisely, he said nothing.

Out of the shadows, stepped a boy, about Shinji’s age, flanked by Doctor Akagi who looked oddly satisfied, Tommy Gavin playing as Commander Ikari (Why? Because he’s just a regular Joe, with a regular job, an average white suburbanite slob…..), and Ian McKellen as Fuyutski.

“HAIL COMMANDER IKARI!!” Asuka screeched, though fortunately all those present had thought to bring earmuffs. “LEADER OF NERV. OUR GLORIOUS LEADER AND MASTER COMMANDER. WE LIVE AND DIE BY HIS NAME, HIS WILL, HIS MANLINESS HIS LOVABLE P…EEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeee”

Asuka’s final word, she knew, was nowhere as dirty as everyone probably thought it was, but unfortunately for the redheaded German unoriginal description firebrand girl, nobody would belive that she or any woman for that matter, was interested in Commander Ikari for his lovable Personality.

“Damn she was giving me a headache, “ The Commander spat. “I mean, she’s got a nice body, but…”

“She’s fourteen…” Ritsuko deadpanned…This casting was definitely not to her likening, especially after her having watched the entire run of Rescue Me.

“Um… Isn’t real person fanfic banned?” Shinji chimed in..

“Yeah,” the commander answered, “But I’m not a real person, I’m Tommy Gavin, I’m played by a real person, but I’m not. I’m just as fictional as you son, well maybe a little less fictional seeing as I’m not made of hundreds of individual animated cells, but you get the gist of it right?”

Shinji nodded…

“I believe he meant me.” Fuyutski cleared his throat, speaking in the cultured tones of a traditional Shakespearean Actor…

“IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT ME!!” Another voice screamed.

All attention was focused on the green haired, red eyes boy, wearing a two tone t-shirt and blue jeans, with a badass scar under his eyes and a Berretta M93R, in a holster attached to his belt.

“My names Stewart, Gary Stewart,” he said with a bow, before lighting a rebellious cigarette.

“He’s sooo dreamy.” The remaining female cast members swooned.

Shinji glared death at him.

“I’m the Pilot of Unit X13, a secret experimental EVA built to house my awesome sync ratio of 404. I had it specced out with twin ICBM missile launcher systems, capable of striking multiple targets in the Soviet Union, each missile being tipped with MIRV’d three stage fission/fusion/fission warhead of 500kt nominal yield. It’s also been fitted with an experimental prototype Buster Beam, Rocket Punch, Godzilla Fire Breath and Puchuu shield, with phase cannons, photon torpedoes and spray on Cthulhu repellent.”

“He’s sooo dreamy.” The remaining female cast members swooned again.

Shinji glared death at him…again.

“I was abandoned at age three by my parents, and passed around by social workers, they did a lot of bad things to me and I appeared in numerous internet videos where I helped in an Interpol sting that brought down a major church until I was ten and I joined NERV. I take Prozac for my psychological so it’s okay now, but to fit in I’ve been advised to fake a few angst sessions, so don’t worry about it if you see me in the bathroom with a noose, or crying my eyes out under some steps while some JSSDF appear to blow my brains out… I’ve got it all in hand.”

“He’s sooo strong” the female cast members swooned

“I’m the bastard Son of Yui Ikari and Sub Commander Fuyutski and…”

The elder man blushed, right before Ikari punched his lights out.

“..I’m also Asuka’s step sister by marriage. Besides, that doesn’t matter now sinceI’ve already beaten all the Angels before I ca…”

He was stopped by a pair of gunshots, a metallic ring echoing through the chamber as two spent brass cartridges hit the concrete floor. Two neat round holes were punched in his forehead, a small red trickle of blood running down his nose. His face was frozen forever in a look of absolute horror as the contents of his skull sprayed out against a wall behind him.

Silence fell as Gary Stewart flopped to the ground with a wet thud.

Shinji looked to the source of the two shots…

Standing beside him, was Rei, but somehow, she was a little different from what he remebered.

Holding a pair of polished customized Berretta pistols, muzzles smoking, Rei stood grinning maniacally as she took a draw from her cigarette. She was wearing nothing but short cut blue jeans and a short black tank top that left her midriff pleasantly exposed. Also, Shinji could see a new Tattoo on the girls shoulder, making a dangerous black tribal pattern.

“Lordy lordy fucking Christ, I fucking hate Mary-Sues,” Rei spat in poor English, grinding the butt of her cigarette into the ground.

“Shinji,” The commander said. “This is Rei-V.”

Shinji smiled…

He was going to like the new Rei

I...I

On another plane of existence, Shinji asks a simple question in his meek little voice

“Dear almighty and powerful author, could you please, but only if it is convenient for you, tell me what the fuck happened to the plot?”

Author: Err… I got bored with that… Deus Ex Machina!

And thus, the EVAverse was returned to it’s normal flow…

I...I

I am so fucking sorry… I literally wrote this in between classes today and just said what the hell, why not post it for a laugh. I know it’s horrible and disgusting and iky, deserving only of a bin in a shitfic thread, but it serves as evidence for those who read my good fanfiction that I haven’t just pissed off and died somewhere. I nearly have Chapter Three of NPE done, and I’m about to start chapter three of Battlestar Evangelion, so sit tight.

There may be more of this added in, depending on my mood, but don’t expect anything like a coherent plot…or characterisation…or drama… or WAFF… or anything for that matter….

Slan Libh
Dartz IRL