“This is all your fault! Because of you, I’m going to die in here, you insensitive, idiotic blonde!” Ruto yelled with her eyes closed and nose high in the air. Link felt his eyelid twitch as he carried her through Jabu Jabu’s belly, grimacing slightly as he avoided an unknown substance in the fleshy path. He paused to rest, taking a short break from both fighting oddly shaped monsters and carrying the Zoran princess.

“Oh great!” the girl screamed directly in his ear, causing him to jump. “Now we’re both going to die in here because your wimpy butt had to stop for a rest! You’re such a spaz! You’re an idiotic, blonde spaz! You walk two feet and now you’re tired! I can’t believe-!”

“-Well you’re heavy!” Link yelled, ready to throw the fish-girl at the next living thing he saw as he felt both his arm and mind snap. There was a pause: known to some as “the calm before the storm”.

SLAP! “… HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO THE ZORAN PRINCESS IN SUCH A MANNER!!!” SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! The young hero’s vision was beginning to blur as a ringing began to sound in his ears. That damned ringing was all too familiar.

“Hey listen! Link!? Link!? Hey-!”

“MY FATHER’S GOING TO-!”

“Hey listen-!”

“WITH PURPLE LON-LON MILK-!”

“-listen! Hey! Hey! Link-!”

“AND AN INBRED CUCCO-!”

“SHUT UP!” Link yelled, close to tears as he pulled at his hair (or at least attempted to without dropping Ruto). “JUST SHUT UP!” Everyone in Kokiri Forest to Tokyo, Japan heard his yell as it echoed off of the pulsating walls of the Zoran deity.

“…”

“…”

“You done now, spaz?” The boy took several deep breaths.

“Hold on a second… AAH-!!!” His hat cut off his cry as it was stuffed into his mouth by a scaly hand.

“Let’s go before we die! I’m going to die because of you!”

By now, the boy had managed to put his hat back on (rather messily). “… I swear on all that is holy, Ruto, you will make it out of here alive…”

“You say that, but what you really mean is that you’re going to kill me, then turn me into fish fillets!” That actually didn’t sound too-. SLAP! “Don’t even think it!”

“…”

“I’m going to die, aren’t I? … Can I have a last kiss?”

“No, Ruto…”

“Please?”

“No.”

Silence decided to take over. That is, until a certain fairy opened her mouth.

“Hey, listen! Why do you make Link carry you, Ruto?”

“… Yeah, why do you?” Link asked as he looked up at her, cocking an eyebrow slightly.

“Do you want to know?”

“Yes…”

“Do you really want to know?”

“…Yes.”

“Do you really, really-?”

“Yes!”

“Alright, you cute spaz! … It’s because there’s something on the floor of his stomach.”

The boy immediately stopped, lifting his feet to observe the bottom of his boots. “Is it…?” Link paused, not sure of how to word it in the presence of a lady. Well, a lady to some extent.

“Hey, listen! Do you mean “pee”?”

“… Yes, Navi… “Pee…””

The Zoran princess snorted so loudly, that both boy and guardian fairy stared up at her with cocked brows, questioning her royal status. “Pee!? You are such a spaz!”

“Well, what is it?” The boy was beginning to lose his patience with her yet again.

“It’s stomach acid!” The chaos then began with an odd sizzling sound…