Lord of the Pickles

By BV/Mrs H

Setting: Hospital Clinic

Dr. House: (Bored, frustrated and snarky)

Boils. Upset tummies. Ingrown toenails and a woman who thinks her gray hair is a result of eating too many Dove bars. Could this day get any more boring?

(Enter Dr. Chase with a stack of files. He is visibly upset)

Dr. Chase: (trembling) House… you better have a look at these guys.

Dr. House: (depressed) Ah, what now? A bunch of soccer players who've played in pesticide covered grass like last week. Inflamed, rash-ridden manly nether regions again? What fun!

Dr. Chase: (Sweating in fear) We're not sure if it's some sort of epidemic…. Please… just please…

I've never seen anything like this.

: I've never seen rash ridden soccer players cry like women, either. I'm going to be scarred for life. So what the hell is going on?

(They approach a door)

Dr. Chase: Just please don't make any stupid comments. Despite their condition they seem to be a rough bunch.

(They enter)

Dr. House walks in and stares in open jawed amazement.

Inside the room there are four very short males with slightly pointed ears, a slightly taller bearded fellow with an ax in his hand, a tall fair blonde with a quiver of arrows, a scruffy man in leathers and a dinted crown, a older man in flowing white robes and a bearded man stuck full of arrows.

ALL of them in the latter stages of pregnancy.

Dr. House: ….the hell-?

Dr. Chase: It seemed to be some sort of unexplainable male pregnancy phenomena.

Dr. House: (pulling himself together) clears throat

Hey guys…. I'm Dr. Greg House.

Aragorn: (bowing, but not far due to his condition)

I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn. We are the Fellowship of the Ring as chosen by Elrond the Halfeven, son of-

(Aragorn gets a nudge from Sam)

er…. I too am a healer, … and King of Gondor, but I know not exactly how this came to pass.

Dr. House: (brightly) I know not how you guys are going to pass either, but I recommend an epidural when the time comes.

Gimli: Do you have any pickles, laddie?

Dr. Chase: (Eying Gimli's ax) Can you tell us how you ALL became … um…

Dr. House: (bluntly) Knocked up?

Legolas (glancing in concern at his swelling feet) It matters not. We know you cannot help us, even in this House of Healing. No one can help us.

Frodo: We have come to warn you. You and your fandom are in grave peril. It's only a matter of time.

Sam: It's those ruddy fangirls and their ruddy mpregs, innit, Mr. Frodo? It's them who's dun this! Poor Rosie is all in a state, and me gaffer won't even talk to me. Called me a slut, didn't he, Mr. Frodo?

Boromir: They even mpregged me, and I'm DEAD!

Dr. House: Em preg?

Merry: The fanfic writers! It was them! Well not all of them, o'course, it's only some o' them are mpreggers but still! Well… LOOK AT US!

Pippin: (tries to cuddle Merry) It's all right, Merry, I'm going to take care of you.

Merry: (losing it) Oh would you, shut up! Fool of a Took! It's Boromir's kid, not yours! Just shut up!

(Pippin starts to cry)

Gandalf: (taken aback) I thought it was mine! Merry Brandybuck, you slut!

Dr. House: (Rubbing his temples) What are you saying? Are you saying that what's happened to all of you is … is going to happen here too?

Gandalf: (still miffed at Merry) It's inevitable, I'm afraid. The mpreg writers are an unstoppable force. One day you simply wake up with a craving for raw potatoes and baklava and the next thing you know the DNA test will point to Dr. Chase over there as the father and then- well… then the medical explanations, the painful delivery and the overwhelming angst just get very ugly.

Frodo: (Rubbing his swollen belly) We just wanted to pop by, and give you a heads up.

Dr. Chase: (Shaken) It's… not… medically… possible…

It can't happen HERE. It just CAN'T!

Dr. House: (Popping Vicodin like candy) There must be something we can do to prevent it. I- I'll think of something.

Gimli: Well. We best be off. Apologies for being the bearers of bad tidings, healer.

(The fellowship files outs)

(Long - long silence Chase and House look at each other, varying degrees of disgust on their faces.)

(Boromir pops back in.)

Boromir: Look, while I'm here, can you do something about these bloody arrows?