Series Title: The Game od Diagnostics

Author: JennifferButterfly and X-Chick

Summary: A bunch of oneshots of the team playing a plethera of board games.

Author’s Note: From the creators of Aussies are Britts. X-chick and JenButterfly actually played the game to get everybody’s moves.

Warnings: Possibly language later on.

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Chapter One - The Game of Life

It was a Friday night and the cottages were waiting for test results to come in on their most recent patient. This proves to be a very boring task at times so Cameron thought of an excellent way around this. A few weeks ago she bought a board game and hid it in the back of the diagnostics closet just incase something like this would happen. “Hey you guys,” she whispered fugitively. Cameron gave a quick scan of the office and hall to make sure House was nowhere nearby, after that was completed she pulled out the game from the closet. “Look what I got!”

Chase eyed it suspiciously. “Cameron, what ever possessed you to bring a board game here?”

Foreman turned away from the computer and looked at the box Cameron held in her hands. “The Game Of Life? I haven’t played that since I was ten. Cameron, seriously we’re not children.”

“I know I know, but do you really just want to sit here bored out of your minds or do you want to play a game?” Cameron asked.

Foreman rolled his eyes and exited out of his mailbox. “You know, it wont take that long to get the patients test results back. We sent them off an hour ago.”

Dropping his crossword on the table, Chase looked at Foreman with a ‘come on’ expression. “Foreman, House has made us stay here on a Friday night. Do you really think he’s done the same to the lab technicians? I can think of a million other places they’re at right now.”

Foreman sighed. “Set it up.” He simply said.

Five minutes later the board was set up and all three cottages were leaning over it precariously. Cameron had picked the white car, Foreman took over the blue car, and Chase was sporting the red plastic vehicle. All pawns were in their place, all money doled out, and all players ready. There was just one last thing. “House.” Cameron said. “If he finds out he’s gonna wanna play for sure! Quick, Chase, lock the door and shut the blinds.”

Foreman gave a sluggish roll of the eyes. “Cameron, we’re playing ‘Life’ not ‘Clue’. It’s not like we killed anybody.”

“Yeah, but do you want House to know we’re playing and try to get in on the fun?” Chase asked Foreman. He then walked over to the door connecting the conference room and House’s office and locked it shut followed by closing the blinds. After that he walked over to the conference door that led to the hall and placed his hand on the lock.

Chase would’ve liked to seal the door as did everybody else, but this was not the case. Just as Chase’s hand grasped the bolt lock, the door swung open. “Hello Clarice.” House said in a dark undertone. Cameron squeaked with fear, Foreman rolled his eyes and leaned back in his chair, and Chase looked like a deer in headlights. “Well well kiddies, what have we here? What is soooooo devious you feel the need to shut the blinds and try to lock the doors? Now what have I told you about segregating cripples, huh? Foreman’s black and you let him in on the fun!” House walked over to the conference table and sat down. From there he picked up the lid to the game box and read it allowed. “The Game Of Life. Hmmmm, hand me the blue car.”

Foreman stood up and crossed his arms. “That’s it! I’m not playing. Let him have my stinkin’ car.”

“Sit down and shut up Kunta Kinte. We’re all playing this. Either that or loose your job.” Foreman evil eyed House but sat down. “Now, I see only one other problem.” House said as he handed Foreman the green car as his replacement.

“Oh, and what would that be, House?” Chase asked smugly as he showed his discontent.

“You, Chase, are the problem.” House said with glee. “But don’t worry I know how to solve that.” He pulled out his wallet and laid several pieces of paper down. “This here is English Life Money. You see, you can’t be British and play off of our money. It’s just not fair.”

Chase growled. “But I live in the US! I use American money, not British currency. Besides, even if I weren’t using American money I’d be using Aussie dollars. Not the British pound! And how did you know to make the money!”

“I saw the game in the closet and thought ahead.” House replied with conviction. Chase and Foreman glared at Cameron for hiding the game in such an obvious spot.

Cameron, who was feeling the heat, quickly moved on with the game. “Alright. Fine. Chase will use the British Life Dollars. Can we please get on with this?”

Chase scowled at House, House smirked at Chase, and Foreman rubbed his temples. But after a minute all three men agreed to begin. Cameron spun first and House stopped her. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“Spinning to see who goes first?” she replied as-a-matter-of-factly.

“Oh no. Here we play by my rules and my rules say that all cripples go first.”

“I’m slightly screwed up from the brain biopsy.” Foreman said.

“Let me restate that. All cripples who aren’t black go first. Then the white man, then the white women and then anybody who’s black.”

“House! That’s completely ethically and morally wrong!” Cameron snapped in protest.

“Fine. All whiny immunologists go last.” Cameron gasped and Foreman smiled. “There, are you happy? No more segregation. Now let me spin!”

“Wait,” Chase said. “Shouldn’t you be gone bothering Wilson, House?”

“He’s busy donating sperm to Cuddy.” House coolly replied.

“What?” All three cottages yelled at once.

“I said, ‘He’s busy correlating term reviews with Cuddy.’ It’s that time of year you know, heads of departments need to evaluate their staff. Now lets play.” House said followed by a prompt spin of the wheel. “What?!” The spinner landed on four.

“That would be a four, House. So what’s it going to be? College or Career?” Cameron asked.

“Career. Let me see those cards woman.” Cameron fanned the cards to him and House picked out three. “Doctor, Salesperson, or Athlete. Hmmm, I think I’ll be a doctor.”

“You can’t do that!” Chase yelled in protest. “That job requires a degree!”

“Yes I can. The medicine men of rural tribes don’t go to med school and the communities they belong to see them as doctors. Think of me as an albino medicine man from faaaaar away in Canada.”

“Fine, then you need to use Canadian money! Here, I’ll split mine with you!” Chase started handing House some bucks.

“That’s ok, I’m the ruler of Canada and I say we use American money. Sorry Chase, you’ll have to keep the queen all to yourself.” Chase scoweled as House drew his currency cards. “40,000, 20,000, or 30,000….hmmmm. I’m going to draw again.”

“HOUSE! You can’t do that! And you’re not even drawing! You’re looking through the pile!” Foreman yelled.

“OK, what part of ‘Ruler of Canada’ did you not understand? I make the rules beotch. Now shut up and let me draw. Ohhh, here we are. 100,000. Seems appropriate for a country’s leader.”

“Fine. Take the 100,000 card. It’s my spin.” Chase reached for the dial.

“Wait!” House interrupted.” Chase, you’re driving on the wrong side. Here, let me help.” House moved the little blue man in Chase’s car to what Americans would consider to be the passenger side. “Ok, now you may spin.”

Chase glared at House but soon spun to get a five. “I want a career.” He said to Cameron. She held out the cards for him and let him draw. After much debate and staring at what he grabbed, Chase finally managed to put two salary and career cards back. “I think I’ll be the athlete that gets paid 90,000.”

House went evil eye on Chase but soon found a remedy for this disappointment. “Fine Chase, but just remember that you still need to convert your money before you buy anything. Sadly enough the British pound isn’t doing so well. Fore every ten pounds, you’ll only get one American dollar.”

“WHAT?!”

Foreman thought fast to avoid this dilemma. “I’m spinning now.” He landed on a seven and headed for college. Soon after Cameron followed up with a four and also went to college. After her spin their fates were sealed. They were now playing the game of life with House. God help them all.

An hour and a half had past and House had managed to screw each and every one of them over. Chase was living in a run down trailer with his wife and NINE kids. House kept giving Chase’s family children even when he didn’t land on a baby spot for the simple fact that House said they were unplanned. Chase used the excuse of a condom and House said they failed. Then Chase said his wife was on birth control but House said she lied. Chase gave up and settled for his nine kids.

On the other hand, Cameron had no children because House said that her little figurine donated her uterus out of desperation to pay off student loans. Foreman, well he had no kids either. It’s kind of hard to make children when your spouse is a man. “House, I married a woman!” Foreman would say.

“So you thought. But on the honeymoon he slash she revealed his slash her deep secret to you. Oh, don’t you love the crying game?”

“Then I’m getting a divorce!”

House scanned the board. “I’m sorry, I don’t see a divorce spot on the board. Next!”

And so the game went on. By now everybody was around the point of retirement and it couldn’t come quick enough. One by one, each car pulled into either Millionaire Estates or Countryside Acres. House began adding up the money.

“OK, who wants to go first?”

Cameron sighed. “I suppose I should.” She handed her money and life tiles to House to add up.

“OK Cameron. After much consideration I have determined that you end this game by dying in a lonely jail cell.”

“WHAT?”

“Oh yes. You see, auctioning off body parts on Ebay is illegal. You should’ve thought about that before you removed your uterus.” Cameron huffed and leaned back in her chair. “Now Chase. You're finishing the game by being in the hole by 128,876,734.00. American dollars mind you.”

“Wait a tic. I have at least nine life tiles from all my damn children. What about the money from those?”

“But I delivered your children. Being a doctor I get to do fun stuff like that and I get the added perks like life tiles.”

“Fine, take whatever you want. I’m done with this.” He then crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair.

Meanwhile, Foreman had been busy adding up his money. He quickly scanned the paper that House wrote his totals on and then looked back at his own. Suddenly a smile cracked upon his face and he let out a small remark of glee. “I won.” He said.

“Huh?” House said.

“Look! I beat your dollar amount by at least 200,000. I also forbid you from coming up with any excuse to blackmail me because I’ll then claim your being racist to a black gay man!” Foreman said with glee. “Face it, House, you lost.”

House stared at the board in disbelief. “But…but…”

“Give it up. Nothing you say is going to change the fact you lost, House.” Chase said.

House thought things over very carefully for a minute before a smirk grew across his face. “Foreman, did I mention that…”

“No…wait…no, don’t do this House!” Foreman yelled.

“Did I mention that as ruler of Canada I reinstated slavery? You’ve been my slave this whole time which means what’s your is mine and what’s mine is mine.” House then laughed as he collected his money. “Well, I think that means I won this game. Oh, and would you look at the time. The test results are probably back. I’ll meet you guys in the lab!” He then walked out of the conference room with a smile on his face.

Chase and Foreman watched House leave before turning their death stare to Cameron. Before either one of them could say a thing, she grabbed everything off the table. “Don’t worry, I’m going to burn it.”

“You damn well better.” Chase said. “And if you ever think of bringing in a game again….”

“I know, I know” Cameron interrupted. “I’ll have to pay by selling my ovaries next.”

“Damn right! Now lets get out of here.” Foreman said. With that the team left to the lab having learned their lesson about bringing games to work.

-The End-