A/N: This is my first fanfic in months. Please note that it is 7am in the morning. Kthx.

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts, but I do own you, mind you.

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One

A young boy sat with his purple hen next to a girl with long, beautiful red hair that she was going to cut the next day because someone told her she looked like a drag queen which actually meant that she was beautiful on his/her stand point but that’s besides the point. Anyway, this boy and girl were destined to be lovers, but due to the many fan letters they received from actual people, they were too busy to even think about each other. This is the sad story of Sora, Kairi, and Riku. Yes, Riku too because well… well, you guys know why.

”Riku, Riku, Riku, Riku, Riku, Kairi, Riku, Riku,” Sora threw each letter at the designated person, hoping to find one decent one for himself. He picked up a pink envelope that had tons of computer smiley faces, like those of a, in computer terms, “n00b.” Sora left the front door, where the mailman got so tired of trying to stuff all those letters in a mailbox so now he just came up to the door and piled them up. Sora sighed and sat down.

Dear Sora-kun:D

OMGILOVEYOUMARRYMENOW.

yours always and forever,
o
ta
ku

The next few fan letters were pretty much the same. Sora was no longer excited over these, considering they all consisted of stupid fangirls and occasional fanboys that would want to do something sexual to his pixilated body in some way. Kairi, on the other hand, had more to worry about than just crazed fangirls with no lives. She opened one of her letters.

B,

YOU LEAVE SORA ALONE YOU---

There were insults about three pages long.

no good son of a donkey, okay, you’re not a son but WHO FRIGGIN CARES!!! You have no life since you wait for years and years for your so called friends to return when obviously you KNOW that Sora and Riku will be together in the end! You’re nothing but a two cent whore that waits on the sides of the ocean for a good time! Now I’m gonna give you til the count of SIX HUNDRED to get up off your lazy ASS and drown yourself you dumb blonde BITCH!

Anonymous

There was more to that, but Kairi paused and laughed at the “blonde” part. I think we get it.

Moving along, Riku was the most popular out of the trio. Usually fan girls would beg for him to go make out with Sora, Tidus, Wakka, Leon, Cloud, or even himself. (And get it all on tape for that matter) Riku has not gotten used to these, so he usually took them way out of hand. He slammed a few letters in the trash, using his super dooper laser powers to burn them to oblivion, and then stomped back into the living room to piss and moan about it.

”SORA, THEY WANT ME TO TIE YOU UP TO THE BED, PUT AN APPLE IN YOUR MOUTH AND THEN---“

”NO HE’S MINE!” Kairi tackled Sora on the couch, nuzzling her head on his chest happily. “EVERYBODY KNOWS BY THE POWER OF CHRISTIANITY THAT NO TWO MEN SHOULD BE TOGETHER BY ANY MEANS!”

Okay, so they were Buddhist, but Kairi usually used Christianity as an excuse, or denial that Riku and Sora would never be together. EVER. Now this would offend the normal Christian, but every other Christian out there would understand.

A letter popped up and said, “REA D ME!” out loud, paper cutting Kairi on the arm causing her to scream out in pain and just hold on tighter to her “lover.” The letter stood upright, making this scene look very awkward.

”DEAR KAIRI,” it begin to read itself, “Sora does NOT want a skanky HO like you! Normally I would call you a lesbian and then give you away to some transvestite on Horner Street, but NOT TODAY. Today it is MY DUTY to ELIMINATE you in a DUEL!”

Kairi raised an eyebrow and cuddled closer to Sora, who was now almost unable to breathe. “Why do you people hate me so much? Was it something I did? I simply just wanted Sora all for me… and maybe sometimes Riku could join but that’s besides the point! Please let me know what is wrong with me and—“

”YOU WHINY BISHKITTLE!” The letter snapped, attempting to paper cut her again but instead Kairi dodged it and the letter flew right into the fireplace. I think we understand what happened next.

The letter popped outta the fireplace in perfect condition. This little blue letter was enraged. Poor Kairi though, she was getting scared now and pushed Sora out in front of her to fight. Sora rubbed the back of his head, walked over to the letter and stepped on it but then cried out when he was bitten and given ink poisoning. Riku rolled his eyes, picked up the letter and ripped it in half.

”It wasn’t that hard.” He threw it into the trash with all the other letters.

”Hey, this letter is for Axel and Roxas.” Kairi said, picking randomly from the pile.

”Throw it into the closet with the rest of their letters. Careful opening the door.” Riku walked into the kitchen.

”I want to know what it says…” Kairi was being nosy.

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A/N: What does Axel and Roxas’ letter say? FIND OUT… later.