Chapter Thirteen: Loss

“Sho… Shinji’s…” Toshi paused again, shaking his head as he lowered it, his voice barely above a whisper as he said: “Shinji’s dead.”

Sho felt cold at these words. His entire body went numb. Although it had always been at the back of his mind, nothing could prepare him for the waves of crushing grief that assaulted him. Sho felt as though a part of him had been torn out and he wasn’t even aware of what he was doing until he had Toshi pinned against the wall.

“Liar! It’s not true! You’re lying to me!” It was true, Sho knew this but the pain was so great that he desperately wanted it to be nothing more than a terrible dream.

“Sho! SHO!”

He felt someone else take hold of him and in seconds Sho felt himself prized away from Toshi. Kei held him firmly by the shoulders in a grip that Sho wasn’t altogether sure that he could break. Behind Kei, Toshi slumped back against the wall, his fingers lightly tracing the red welts on his neck where Sho had held him.

I wasn’t here… This realisation cut through him almost as deeply as Shinji’s death did. Shinji had been dying and Sho was… he had been with Kei.

Sho started to tremble, his entire body convulsing as he struggled to keep a lid on his emotions. This wasn’t Kei’s fault. Sho had plenty of time to call the hospital after Hirai and Miyata had been dealt with. He could have answered his phone before this all happened. The only person to blame was himself.

“I should have been here.” He murmured, his gaze sliding past Kei to look out of the window behind him.

At this, Kei attempted to embrace him, but Sho gently pushed him away. All this… it was his fault. He should have spoken to Shinji before it was too late. He should have understood his brother’s point of view. He should have got him help with his addiction a long time ago. Instead he hadn't. He had chosen the path that Kei had done. He had lost so much; his brother, his humanity and nearly Kei, too. He had made such a mess of everything and he didn’t deserve any of what he had left.

“Sho.” Kei said, and Sho just couldn’t stand the pity in his lover’s eyes. If Kei only knew what he had done… twice he had deceived him in the space of twenty-four hours.

“You should go home. I’ll deal with things here.”

Kei was just trying to help but Sho knew that it would be dawn soon and Kei couldn’t risk cutting it too fine after everything that he had been through.

“No. I’ll do it.” He said, his voice quiet and subdued.

“Sho--”

“Just go home, Kei. Please.”

The blonde vampire left without another word.

Sighing, Sho went to the window and looked out, forgetting that Toshi was still in the room until the human hesitantly stepped up beside him.

“I tried to call you.” Toshi repeated, “But… I couldn’t leave him. Son wasn’t here either and I didn’t want to leave him alone for the end.”

This statement brought tears to Sho’s eyes. As much as he was glad that Shinji hadn't been alone, it tore him apart to know that he had missed his brother’s final moments.

“He woke.” Toshi continued, clearly unsure whether such words would hurt Sho or not, but he decided that he could not possibly add to the grief and agony that Sho was feeling right now and so he carried on. “He talked about you. And Kei.”

Sho closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against the glass, “I don’t want to know.” He murmured softly. He couldn’t bear to hear, once again, what Shinji had thought of him.

“He asked me to tell you that he was sorry. And that he forgave you… both of you…”

This did not comfort Sho as Toshi had expected it would. Instead it made him feel even worse. Shinji had wanted to make amends. A second chance had been so cruelly snatched away from them yet again.

“I want you to turn him.”

“Sho…”

“I can’t lose him, Kei. Shinji’s my only family. Please.”

“Sho… I can’t do that to him. You know how he feels about us. To become a… to become a vampire would destroy him.”

It would have, Sho thought bitterly, knowing deep down that this curse had destroyed him, too. His actions with the girl… that hadn't been him, it had been something else, the creature that Kei had always fought so hard to contain and the release that Sho had felt had terrified him.

This life, Sho suddenly knew, the old life that he had clung onto for so long was no longer his. It had died the day that his humanity did and he had been fooling himself for long enough to think otherwise.

“Toshi?”

“Yeah?”

“Can you take care of things here? They’ll be paperwork… things to collect…” He broke off, choking back more tears.

“Of course. I’ll call you.”

“Don’t. I need some time alone.”

“Okay.” He nodded, knowing better than to say anything more.

Sho quickly left the hospital, seeing that Kei had left him the car. As he got in, he found that his thoughts had never been clearer and he drove hurriedly towards his destination.

He had memorised the way to this apartment, despite only visiting it once, earlier in the evening when Kei was still sleeping.

As he pulled up on the curbside, Sho knew instinctively that the person he was here to see was inside. He supposed it must be like this for Kei, too, he thought with a twinge of sadness. Sho didn’t exactly regret how things had turned out, but he had his moments of doubt. If he had made a wrong choice then he may well pay for it one day, he and Kei both would.

Sho forced the door, wondering if he would have been granted entrance otherwise. The majority of the residents were still sleeping and the close proximity of so many humans made his teeth ache, especially with the taste of the girl’s blood still lingering in his mouth.

Trying to shake off such thoughts, Sho hurried to the right apartment. Standing outside of the door, he knocked on it so softly that it was inaudible to the human ear, but what dwelt within wasn’t human anymore anyway.

A couple of minutes passed and then the door was opened.

“Hirai-san. Stop this. Can’t you see that you’ve gone too far?”

“Too far? Not forty-eight hours ago you agreed with me, Tashiro. I trusted you and you repay that trust with betrayal.”

“This isn’t right. Kei hasn’t hurt anyone we care about.”

“What about Katou?”

“Katou would still be alive if it weren’t for us.”

“No. I refuse to take responsibility for his death. That monster killed him and must suffer for it.”

“You don’t care about Katou. You only care about your revenge. Killing Kei will not bring Ayaka back.”

They observed each other in silence, Sho recalling how the man had tried to help them and the other perhaps hating Sho for how he had repaid this help. At the very end, Sho realised that he had been a good guy who had just got mixed up in something that he didn’t understand. He had made the right choice in the end and his reward was death. Sho had wanted to give him back something, to somehow save him, but, from his weary expression, this gift had not been a welcome one.

Then it truly is a curse… we were right all along…

Then finally, Tashiro broke the silence and stood aside, whilst murmuring quietly, “You’d better come in.”

---

Tashiro had taken his turning better than he had, Sho noted as he stepped inside. Tashiro’s apartment was all in order; nothing was toppled over or broken. Only the bloodstained clothes hanging over the back of a chair indicated the events of the day before.

The younger vampire sat down in an armchair whilst Sho seated himself on the sofa, his blue eyes remaining trained on Tashiro, lest the other turn on him.

“Why?” This was the expected question and one that Sho already had an answer for.

“Because you saved Kei’s life.”

“Is that the only reason?”

Sho shrugged, suddenly wanting a cigarette, “Do I need another reason?”

“No.” Tashiro shook his head, “I just wondered if perhaps you had one. How is Kei?”

“He’ll be fine.”

“I’m glad.”

Sho held Tashiro’s gaze, studying his face for any false sincerity, “Are you?”

A bitter laugh escaped the younger vampire at this, “Of course I am. I gave up my own life so that he could live. I wouldn’t have wanted it to go to waste.”

“You’re still here, aren’t you?”

“If you can call this living?”

Sho winced at this. After Tashiro was turned, he had force-fed him blood from Miyata’s corpse and then taken him back here. Tashiro remained unconscious since and had woken up alone.

“Are you angry? Do you want to die?”

“I don’t know.” Tashiro shook his head, “I can’t feel anything.”

He stood up, walking over to a small side cabinet in one corner and picked up a packet of cigarettes. He lit one and then tossed the pack and lighter to Sho. Even though his aim was slightly out, Sho caught them with ease.

He looked down at them for a few minutes before lighting his own cigarette.

“My brother’s dead.” He said after he exhaled.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I was dead to him a long time ago. We all are now.”

“Then what is left?”

“Whatever you can hold onto.”

“Sho--”

“Don’t. I can’t be your sire, Tashiro.”

“You made me this… this thing! You cannot deny that.”

“I don’t deny it. I saved your life and what is left is down to you. You can either make do as best you can or you can sit on the beach until dawn.”

“You won’t help me?”

“You don’t need my help. You feed, you live… you don’t need my help or guidance.”

“How do you know I can be trusted?” Tashiro asked.

“I don’t.” Sho admitted quietly. “I could have made as big a mistake as Luka did.”

“Luka? Kei’s sire? Was he… was he the first?”

Sho sighed, stubbing out his dying cigarette. “Kei doesn’t like to talk about Luka.”

The look that Tashiro gave him was almost pitying and Sho bit back a snarl at this. He could feel the bond between them as sire and child, even if Tashiro wasn’t aware of it. This made him hostile towards Tashiro almost, as though this new bond threatened the one that Sho had with Kei. Was this why he didn’t want Kei to know what he had done?

Kei… he had pushed him away. Through everything Kei had always been there. He was all that Sho had left now, the most important person in his life remained and, as always, Sho failed to see it. He needed Kei right now, needed him more than he ever thought he would do.

But then there was Tashiro. Despite his cold words, Sho knew deep down that he couldn’t just forget about him. Tashiro was right, he had created him and Sho couldn’t imagine anything worse than being alone.

“We’re going away.” Sho said, the words just coming out but he knew that this was what he needed; to get away from Mallepa for a while. “When we come back we’ll talk, come to some kind of arrangement.”

Tashiro shook his head, “You know what? I think I’ve caused you enough pain.”

“But--”

He got up and went to the window, staring out at the lighting sky. “You should get back to Kei before dawn.”

“I thought you wanted my help?”

“I did, but you’re right. I don’t need your guidance. You won’t hear from me again.”

“What will you do?”

“Live. For now, until eternal life becomes too wearing.”

Sho smiled sadly; already he was beginning to feel as if he had lived through an eternity.

---

Just go home, Kei.

Kei resisted the urge to get up and go into the front room when he heard the door shut. Sho had cut it very fine. It was practically dawn and for what seemed to be hours, Kei had been sitting alone in their apartment, berating himself for leaving when Sho had asked him to. Bereaved and feeling guilty, Kei was terrified that Sho might have done something terrible. Then why had Kei let him go? Because in all the years that Kei had known Sho he knew when his comfort would be tolerated and when it would be pushed away and, this time, it would have been pushed away. Kei had never made any secret of his dislike for Shinji. Whereas he didn’t wish any ill on the man, not really, Kei was well aware that he was partly to blame for the events that had led up to Shinij’s death and a small part of him was terrified that Sho would realised this, too.

Kei knew that Sho needed sometime alone and he had given him that time, knowing that Sho would come back when he was ready… or at least Kei hoped that he would.

He could scent Sho’s tears as easily as the other vampire himself, but Kei remained sitting on his bed, knowing better than to rush out to him.

He heard Sho moving around in the bathroom. The basin was filled with water and then minutes later was rinsed out again. They had been through this ritual many times before, mostly when Sho was a teenager. He had stubbornly decided that he didn’t want Kei to see him cry anymore and would wash his face after he had been crying before speaking to the vampire in an effort to hide this fact. Kei always knew, however. Sho could rarely hide such a thing from him, even if he hadn't been an immortal, Kei would always know when Sho was upset or hurting.

At last, Kei heard footsteps outside his bedroom. Fleeting he thought of a similar time, not long ago, when Sho was first coming to terms with what he had become and how hesitant he had been at entering Kei’s room. His room… Kei sighed softly, knowing that this would not go unnoticed. It was still his room, even if he hadn't been using it lately and he hadn't wanted to go into their room. Sho might have wanted his own space for a while and Kei didn’t want to get in the way.

In truth, Kei was angry at his own inaction. Over the past few days he had felt so powerless, both physically and emotionally. He had wanted to protect Sho but it had been the other way round, it would seem.

If Taku had done some good, it was that Kei had finally managed to escape the self-loathing and despair that he had been feeling since Luka died. After Tashiro, however, Kei was beginning to feel it creeping back into his thoughts once more. Sho had been right, what Hirai had done to them was wrong, but he had been a man consumed by grief and Tashiro… Kei frowned; he didn’t like to think of Tashiro.

“Kei?” Eventually his bedroom door opened and Sho entered. His expression was solemn, although he did his best to hide it. Even now Sho was trying to be strong.

“Where have you been?” Kei asked quietly, scooting over on the bed so that Sho could sit down next to him.

“Around.” He replied, his voice neutral. “Thinking.”

“I see. Sho--”

“I think we should go away, get away from Mallepa for a while.”

“What about everything that has happened here? You’ll have arrangements to make.” Kei answered as delicately as he could. Sho couldn’t run away, not from this.

Sho didn’t even flinch at this. “Toshi is dealing with that.” He almost snarled this words, as though he were afraid that speaking them any other way would cause him to break down. “It’s not as if I can go to a funeral anyway!”

“We can sort something out.” Kei tried to console him although his own words sounded hollow. The only way for Sho to attend his brother’s funeral would be if it were held on a day when it was raining and since they couldn’t predict the weather this was next to impossible.

“I wouldn’t go anyway.” Sho snapped. “There’s no point. It’s not as if his death matters to me now.”

“Why not?”

“Because… because I always knew that they would leave me in the end. Nii-chan, Toshi… Son… I will out live them all so what does it matter whether it’s today or in years to come? You said yourself that a human life passes in a blink of an eye.”

So that was it… that was what was making him act this way.

“He was still your brother, Sho.”

“No. He said himself that he wasn’t. I died that day in the warehouse! My blood became like yours. Shinji… he wasn’t my brother anymore. He was right about that.”

Kei shook his head, moving close enough to put an arm around Sho’s shoulders. Sho did not resist this contact; in fact it seemed to calm him somewhat.

“Just because you’re no longer human doesn’t mean you can’t feel emotions. It doesn’t mean that you can’t grieve for him, Sho.”

Kei felt Sho tremble ever so slightly and he embraced the younger vampire. Sho buried his face in Kei’s shoulder and seconds later Kei could smell his tears.

It was better for Sho to let his grief out now, Kei knew; although he was not foolish enough think that this was all over. Only time could heal Sho’s pain and despite this being something that was plentiful for them, it would not be easy. No matter what Sho had said, Shinji had been his brother and he would mourn him for a long time.

---

Two weeks later

Kei held tightly onto Sho’s hand as they walked from the cemetery in silence. Shinji’s funeral had been a quiet affair, only attended by Sho, Kei, Son, Toshi and a couple of Shinji’s work colleagues. The day was overcast, the sky heavy with the promise of rain. Kei had been to very few funerals, even in his long life, but the one thing he always noticed was how he always recalled them as somewhat dark. Even if it had been a sunny day, he could recall the weather as being dull. When he was human, good memories had been light and bad memories dark. Even now, as a vampire, the same was true, although the bad memories outweighed the good.

Throughout the service, Sho had remained silent, not shedding a single tear. He wouldn’t, Kei knew. This wasn’t a case of pride this time; it was merely that Sho’s grief cut so deep that it was as though he couldn’t cry anymore. For nearly a week he had walked around in a daze, submerged in his own pain. He wouldn’t even have fed if Kei hadn't taken him out one night. He had all but shut down and Kei was at a loss as to what to do. He knew it was grief and that it was natural, but he hated seeing Sho in so much pain and being unable to do anything about.

But there had been something he could have done…

Kei hadn't mentioned Sho’s wild plea that day in the hospital but the younger man had brought it up himself, just before they had left the apartment for the funeral parlour.

“Kei. That day in the hospital… when I asked you to change him…”

Kei had steeled himself, ready for the anger and the pain that would follow, but this had not been forthcoming.

“You were right. He wouldn’t have wanted it. He couldn’t have survived the way we are. I nearly didn’t and I… I have you. He would have been alone.”

Kei had not replied to this; there didn’t seem to be the need for him to.

They had taken the car to the cemetery. Toshi was getting a ride back with Son and the others. Sho had hardly spoken to them these past weeks. Kei had helped arrange the funeral with Toshi and it had been Kei who had spoken to those who had attended today. Shinji’s colleagues had organised a small wake back at the store but Sho wouldn’t be going and Kei wasn’t about to leave him anytime soon.

Wordlessly, they got into the car. Kei slid behind the steering wheel and Sho got into the passenger side. As they drove away thunder rumbled overhead and then it began to rain.

“Kei.” Sho spoke finally, his voice strong despite everything. “Thank you. I… I don’t know where I’d be without you and I’m sorry, I’m sorry for everything that’s happened.”

“It’s not your---” Kei began but Sho cut him off.

“Yes it is. All this… it’s down to me. I killed Shinji and I nearly got you killed, too.”

“No!” Kei said fiercely as he reached over and grabbed Sho’s arm. “This isn’t your fault and I won’t allow you to talk this way. I let my guard down and Shinji… you tried to help him so many times but he was beyond help in the end. You did every thing you could for him.”

Sho sighed, his lower lip trembling ever so slightly. “They’re all going to leave me in the end, aren’t they? Toshi… Son… I don’t know if I can take it. I can’t lose anyone else, Kei.”

“I know.” Kei whispered, recalling with some pain Luka’s end. Sho would lose them and there might even come a day when they lost each other, too, but he couldn’t think of that now and he couldn’t afford to let Sho dwell upon it either. Kei knew that the funeral would be terrible for Sho and he had made arrangements for this, too.

“Do you still want to go away?”

Sho looked up at him, confused. “What?”

“We can go away.” Kei said quietly. “Now. It’s all taken care of. Toshi said he would look after things here until we get back.”

“Now?” Sho seemed almost incapable, in his current state, of processing what Kei was saying.

“Now.” Kei affirmed. “Luka…” His voice wavered a little at the mention of his mentor but he forced this down and continued. “He had a place near the ocean. He signed it over to me before he… I think perhaps it would be a good idea to get away for a little while.” Once they had gotten off the streets, Kei and Luka had spent a lot of time there. It would be difficult for Kei to go there again but Sho was much more important to him than his own pain.

Sho nodded in agreement, his saddened expression fading a little at the possibility of respite from the city and all its painful memories.

Kei had already sensed that Sho would consent to this and had packed them a few things. It almost felt exhilarating to drive out onto the motorway and leave Mallepa behind. Of course, Kei was not so naïve as to think that going away would heal Sho, but being away from it all might help put things into perspective for him. Even though Kei had tried long ago to harden his heart against such loss, he knew all too well how only time could heal some wounds.

He cast a glance at Sho, who had fallen silent again now, and smiled, albeit a sad smile. Already he had suffered as much in his first months as a vampire as Kei had in all his years and Kei was determined that this would be the end of it. That Shinji’s death would mark the end. They would leave Mallepa behind and would only return when Sho felt ready; whether that was in six months, a year, five years or a lifetime. After all, they had an eternity together ahead of them.

End.

A/N: I can't believe I managed to finish this one so quickly - it usually takes me years XD Anyways, thank you so much to everyone who reviewed - I really hope you all liked the ending. I am toying with the idea of a follow on but I have an idea for another Moon Child fic so I'll probably work on that and the ones that I have posted already for now. Thanks again to all who reviewed.

- Shari aka Senshi of Ruin