Author: The-Caitiff PM
A parody in the spirit of the first chapter of Freak Parade. This time we get to parody the Time TravelRedo starter plot.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Harry P. - Words: 2,793 - Reviews: 37 - Favs: 73 - Follows: 22 - Published: 11-21-06 - Status: Complete - id: 3254472
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Disclaimer; My mind is not safe territory for the uninitiated, don't wander off the marked path.
The final battle was over and Harry Potter had defeated the evil Dark Lord Voldemort for the last time. The cost was high and the fighting fierce. Many people had died to bring Harry to this point and Harry kneeled to offer a prayer for their spirits. His parents, Quirrel, Cedric, Sirius, Remus, Molly Weasley, Fred, Steve Clark, Dumbledore, Kingsley, Hestia Jones and many others died long before the battle was fought and Harry wasn't looking forward to searching through the bodies that lay strewn around him. He knew that he saw Hermione and Ron fighting Dolohov earlier but he could not see any of them now. For the moment, he was content to sit on the hard ground and breath.
He breathed the first breaths he ever had as a free man. Tomorrow he would grieve and sort out his life, but for now it was enough to take each breath one at a time. Others would have thought him crazy if they saw him, sitting with Zen like calm among the dead and dying with the blood of his friends and enemies coating him. Some of his friends might have lived if he had run to them and saved them, but for once there was no more saving others. There was only Harry and thoughts of what he wanted to do for himself instead of others.
It was then, meditating in the collected blood of most of the leaders of the Wizarding world that Harry had a startling epiphany. All of his life, every breath that crossed his lips, had led him to this moment. While others at Hogwarts had studied to be spell developers, shopkeepers, Quidditch stars, dragon handlers, or any of a million other careers, Harry was a warrior. He was a weapon aimed at the evils of society and here they lay all around him. What use would the world have for him now? It was laughable to consider that he might marry some hero worshipping whore and raise a pack of kids. Love was not what killed the Dark Lord, it wasn't anything he was used to either.
It was possible he could become an Auror or some kind of Wizarding mercenary, but that was about it. Harry needed some serious career counseling now that his destiny was complete. He stood and began to carefully pick his way through the bodies as he left the field to the buzzards. Suddenly a hand reached up and grabbed the hem of his trousers. Harry looked down to find the pleading face of Hannah Abbot looking up at him.
"Harry, help me! I can't feel my legs! You've got to help me Harry"
Harry looked her over for a moment before replying. "You're legs are gone, that's why you can't feel them."
"What?" She started panicking, "I can't live without my legs! Harry, help me… The pain…"
"That I can help you with. I can take all the pain away." Harry looked into her pleading eyes then kneeled beside her and kissed her forehead lightly. His voice took on a tender and loving note that few ever heard him use, "I'll make sure no one ever hurts you again. Avada Kedavra."
It was several months before Harry decided what he was going to do with himself. The honors and money flew fast and furious for a while. Everyone wanted to hear how he did it and how honorably a relative of theirs fought before they died. Most of the time Harry had to lie about the latter because he was only paying attention to his enemies, but some times he took sadistic pleasure in telling some the truth about which side their dear sweet relations were on. After the furor died and everyone went back to their lives, Harry realized that his initial assessment was correct. There was no place for the Boy Who Lived in Wizarding Britain.
For a time he tried various jobs, but none of them worked out. Once he applied, the positions magically opened up for him, at least at first. He originally worked as a clerk in a shop, but the store became crowded with people who just wanted to talk and not purchase anything. After a few weeks his boss took him aside and explained that his presence was a distraction and sales were falling. He tried to become a waiter after that. One night in the middle of a busy dinner three dark wizards looking to take up the "dark lord" title burst into the restaurant and opened fire. The resulting fight killed six patrons with stray curses and cost Harry yet another job. He tried to become an auror, but crime in the streets of Britain immediately hit an all time low overnight and he was downsized.
It wasn't that Harry needed a job since he was awfully rich, but a normal life was what he always wanted. A job and a family were supposedly normal but he couldn't get either. Witches went all starry eyed when he approached and muggle girls could never relate to his situation. He just wanted something to do with his time. Ironically it was this very thought that led Harry to his final conclusion. He wanted something to do with his time, why not travel through it and find somewhere he could be normal?
After years of study and careful calculation, Harry found a way to do what he wanted. He looked back over his life and tried to decide when would be the best time to arrive for maximum effectiveness. It would take several more weeks of preparation before he was ready to cast his final and greatest spell.
Just after Halloween in Harry's thirtieth year, the Great Hall of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry bore witness to a once in a lifetime event. Thirteen of the most powerful spell casters from the Department of Mysteries stood arrayed around an intricate circle drawn on the floor. A thirteen pointed star rested inside the middle circle and each point was marked with a rune in the outer circle. Harry stripped down to his underwear and took his place in the middle of the circle resting in the star's center before signaling to the others to begin the spell.
Slowly at first but gaining speed and confidence as they progressed, the Unspeakables chanted their spells in five different languages. Two concentric domes of power rose over the inner two circles and the magic in the room was so thick it became visible as it swirled around Harry. Then just as the ritual reached its peak and a time dilation field spanning sixteen years formed between the shields, Harry spoke one last message and cast his spirit through time. "Fate, Karma you trollops owe me! Avada Kedavra!"
Harry Potter lay safe and secure in his bed in a secret room somewhere atop Ravenclaw Tower, dreaming of all the usual things teenage boys dream of when his evening was ruined by an unwanted visitor. The soul of that future Harry walked into his dream and interrupted his lustful activities with a tap on his shoulder.
"What in the world…" Harry stopped his ministrations to see who dared bother him. "Oh it's you. Look if you don't mind I was rather busy here, I'm not interested so please leave."
"Whoa, you don't understand," The soul tried to think rationally. "Look, this is going to be hard to explain and even harder to believe but it's true. First I guess I should introduce myself. I am The Right Honorable Sir Harry James Potter, Knight of the Garter, Order of Merlin First Class, Elder of the Wizengamot, Member of the Dark Arts Defense League, and Slayer of Voldemort."
Harry just looked smug. "Let me guess, you're me from the future or some alternate dimension. You've come back to the past to correct mistakes in the war against Voldemort and/or save someone you love. Is that about right?"
The future Harry was stunned. "Yeah, that sums it up nicely. So should I just go ahead and merge our magic and memories now and we can get started?"
"No thanks. It has all been taken care of so there is nothing for you to do here. I will be taking you magic though. I can never get enough of that." Harry pulled his wand and began a long spell. With a sound not dissimilar to a dead body being pulled by their ankle from a pool of custard, a great cloud of magical power left the future soul and was absorbed into the younger Harry.
"What's going on?" His double asked, panicking. "I'm trying to help you."
"Look, I'm sure you mean well, but you aren't needed. After my parents were killed, hundreds of other Harry's from thousands of dimensions tried to go back in time to change things. By the time I got my Hogwarts letter I was just barely sane from all the other Harry's and all the foreign memories I had acquired. Finally I amassed enough knowledge of Soul Magic to separate out all the others and exorcise them from my body."
"Wow, you must be insanely powerful." The newbie marveled as his mind tried to consider the possibilities.
"Oh, I didn't learn to get keep the magic until just before my second year so when I killed the other Harry clones they took their magic with them. Of course by then, Voldemort was nothing more than a memory. I took care to utterly demolish him the night of the Sorting feast while I was still crazy powerful. Others came along before my second year and a few last year, I expect a huge upswing right before the third task and again during my fifth year. Look, you didn't happen to be soul mates or magically married to anyone before you came did you?"
"No, I can't say that I was."
"Whew, dodged the bullet there. I should have asked before I stole your magic but it has been awhile since I saw one of you. Not that I don't love every member of my little harem, but suddenly discovering your soul is bound to fifteen women and three men is a bit disconcerting. Thank Merlin I was able to sever the bonds to those three men."
"I agree, I'm not much of a ladies man but I'm no poofter. Any good ones in your harem?" The future soul asked.
"Daphne Greengrass does this great thing with her tongue, but I thank God every day for whoever told Luna Lovegood about Kegels. Of course sometimes it's fun to just watch the others. I learned early on that unless I bound the girls' souls to each other the harem would never have worked so we're all one big happy family."
"Wow, the guys must hate you."
"You have no idea. Look, I've got a busy day tomorrow so would you mind if we hurried this up a bit?" Young Harry asked.
"Well since you don't need me, what will happen to me now?" Future Harry asked.
"Have you ever heard of a Horcrux?" The older Harry's eyes widened dramatically. "Good I see I won't have to explain. Since your soul is my soul, I'll be wiping all your individuality and tucking you away as insurance in case someone gets me. One last thing, before you left, you didn't happen to invoke the Fates, Karma, Kismet, Eris, Lady Luck, or any other deities or powers did you?"
"Umm… Fate and Karma both actually."
Harry smiled broadly. "Awesome, the last time someone got those two involved they suddenly discovered a fluke in my family tree which put me around sixty fourth in line to the British Throne. I can't wait to see how they decide to balance your debts this time. You should have held out little longer, things always and I do mean always balance out."
"Well crap. This wasn't how things were supposed to go at all." Future Harry pouted.
"One more thing Fate will pay for soon. Goodbye!" With a wave of his hand and a flash of light, the time traveling soul of Harry Potter was bound into a lollipop that was resting on his nightstand. The real Harry meanwhile drew Hermione and Blaise Zabini closer to him on each side before going back to his lovely porno dreams.
The next morning Harry got up and grabbed a shower. When he came out, he found Luna doing salacious things to Susan Bones with his lollipop and had to cry with joy. It couldn't happen to a better guy. Resisting the urge to salute his newest brother, Harry donned the blue and bronze robes the champions were to wear in the Tournament. Strictly speaking he should never have been involved since Voldemort was destroyed, Wormtail caught, and Crouch Jr. dead, but Harry thought it sounded like fun so he used a few charms on an unwitting classmate to put his name in under a fourth school. Today it would be time to face the dragons. Harry knew a thousand and one ways to deal with the task, but decided to just see what happened. Fate and Karma had outstanding debts after all.
Harry kissed each of his girls for good luck before going to meet Flitwick on the grounds for the start of the task. He entered the contestants' tent and mentally prepared himself. Knowing the dragons were there, and feeling the dragons being there were two entirely different things. He knew he could defeat them and anything else, but somehow seeing the others nervous wasn't helping his own sanity. Harry pulled himself together; this was not very hard really. If all else failed he could always outrun it on a broom, it had worked hundreds of times before, but since his girls and his parents (knowledge of parallel dimensions, time travel, and soul magic was great) were watching he wanted to step things up a bit.
Hearing his number finally called, Harry stepped into the arena and listened to the roars of the crowd and dragon. Fearlessly, Harry walked to the center of the ring and stared deep into the dragon's eyes. The Horntail looked deep into his soul with that glare and apparently found something it liked because it sat back on its haunches and bugled a song into the crisp morning air. Three other dragon voices took up a similar song and Harry heard the dragon handlers start to panic. Within moments, the other dragons soared over the walls and circled to land.
By this time the crowd and commentators were going absolutely berserk. In turn Harry had his staring contest with each of the other dragons. They all agreed with the Horntail's assessment and joined together to trumpet out the original song in four part harmony. Magic became thick in the air and all four dragons breathed fire high into the sky. The fire knitted with the magic and the music and became something else. Harry was bathed in the flames and felt the magic wash through him. With a roar of freedom, a fifth dragon soared into the sky from where Harry used to be standing. Harry had become a sleek and powerful Hebridean Black Dragon animagus. Harry eventually got done stretching his dragon wings and reverted to human shape.
Idly he picked up a stick and gave it a few waves. "Want to play fetch?" Harry threw the stick towards the stands, not paying too much attention.
With a happy screech, the Horntail charged forward and grabbed the stick just as it bounced off Draco Malfoy's chest. Unfortunately the dragon overshot the goal a bit and came trotting back with the stick and the former Slytherin in his jaws.
"Bad Loki! Bad! Did you bring enough for your friends?" Harry chastised the forty foot monster.
With a look like a puppy who got caught peeing on the floor, the dragon whipped out her barbed tail three more times. Crabbe, Goyle, and Snape suddenly found themselves airborne and flying towards hungry dragons. While Loki the Horntail was distracted, Harry summoned the golden egg from the nest and walked out of the arena amid cheers from the Gryffindors and shocked silence from everyone else.
Fate always paid her debts, and those three had it coming anyway.