|VASH : Owner's Guide and Maitenance Manual
Author: starry night blue PM
[ONESHOT] Learn all about how to manage your newly bought VASH THE STAMPEDE unit. A fic truly inspired by the authoress Theresa Green.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Words: 3,105 - Reviews: 12 - Favs: 18 - Follows: 1 - Published: 11-30-06 - Status: Complete - id: 3265696
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
D/C: I don't own Vash the Stampede, and I don't own the idea of this story either. This is a story inspired by the works of the authoress, Theresa Green, and done with her permission.
Hello!! I read various versions of the User Guide and Instruction Manual stories, and it seemed so interesting, I just felt like I had to write one. And now, without further ado, I'll leave you to read!! Enjoy!!
VASH THE STAMPEDE: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
Congratulations!! You are now the proud owner of a fully-automated VASH THE STAMPEDE unit. To ensure that you get the full use and benefits of your Humanoid Typhoon, please pay close attention to the following instructions.
Name: Vash (a.k.a. Vash the Stampede, the Humanoid Typhoon, the man with the 60$ billion on his head, and Valentinez Alkalinella Xifax Sicidabohertz Gumbigobilla Blue Stradivari Talentrent Pierre Andry Charton-Haymoss Ivanovicci Baldeus George Doitzel Kaisar)
Date of Manufacture: Unknown.
Age: Much older than he looks. Well over a 130 years old.
Place of Manufacture: Somewhere in outer-space.
Height: Rather tall.
Weight: Considerably heavy.
Your VASH THE STAMPEDE Unit will come with the following accessories:
One long red coat.
One pair long brown gloves.
One pair long brown boots.
One brown body suit.
One pair yellow glasses.
One silver earring.
One silver gun.
When you first open the box containing your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit, you will notice that he's quiet and mysterious. However, a good box of donuts from the MERYL STRYFE unit and the MILLY THOMPSON unit, and a good tankard of beer, will be more than enough to put a goofy smile and attitude to your VASH THE STAMPEDE.
The VASH THE STAMPEDE unit functions as an all-purpose Peace Lover. While he first would try to ditch you with the excuse of "If you stay with me, you'll get hurt", with a reasonable amount of care and a large amount of force, he will eagerly perform any functions you provide to him as follows:
Bodyguard: Even though he doesn't quite look the part, your VASH THE STAMPEDE has excellent gunman skills, and will prove to be an excellent bodyguard. He would do a far more better job if the person he's supposed to be guarding is a beautiful woman.
Demolisher: Need a building to be brought down? Your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit will perform an excellent job for you, resolving to methods of attracting units from the VILLIANS collection to bring down the buildings he's in. Or simply by simply transforming his arm into a high-power weapon enough to destroy a whole city. It's your pick.
Ace Gunman: Your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit happens to be an excellent gunman, and will happily participate in any shooting game in any fair you take him too, and we guarantee that you will get the largest teddy bears there is. If you're from the Wild West, he will also participate in any shooting competition there is. But, of course, if you're a crazed person and you want someone assassinated, you should not count much on your unit.
One-night-stand-in: Feeling rather lonely at night? Your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit will gladly act the part without a moment's hesitation. Of course, if you're a man, don't count on any fun for the night what-so-ever.
Taste-tester: Being a liquor and donut lover at the same time, your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit will gladly taste any bottle and any donut for your eating pleasure. Of course, don't count of having anything left for you to eat after he's done.
Your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit comes with seven different modes:
Goofy (default mode)
Please note that the Serious setting and Mad setting are entirely different settings, however similar they may appear to you. In the Serious setting, you will most likely find your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit sitting all by himself and thinking about depressing things, while in the Mad setting, the VASH THE STAMPEDE unit will be ready to give you a serious beating, but you need not worry about dying then.
The Friendly setting differs from the Goofy setting, although not by that much. You know that your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit is in the Goofy setting when he starts acting all silly and stupid, whereas in the Friendly setting your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit will act all nice and polite and gentle. The two are nice settings, just the same.
The Seriously Guilty setting usually follows acts performed in the Deadly setting, where your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit might've been forced to kill someone, or might've been the reason of someone else's death. Your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit can be removed from the Seriously Guilty setting after having a deep interaction with a MERYL STRYFE unit.
The Frickin' Mad setting is activated usually after a unit from the VILLIANS collection commits mass murder, and usually triggers up the Deadly setting as well.
Caution: The Deadly setting results in massive property damage. To avoid that, you'd be better off not getting your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit into the Frickin' Mad setting.
Relations with other units:
Your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit is a creature who doesn't like being alone, no matter how much he told you to let him be, unless it was a pretty girl who requested his company. Yet, he quickly learns how nice it is to have friends. He could be annoying, but that only would mean that he cares.
MERYL STRYFE: Short, cute. A working woman who would go to extreme measures to get the job done (say, perhaps, offering a box of donuts to Giant greenbacks with Mohawks). She works for the Bernardelli Insurance Society, and will later on stick to your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit to ensure that he doesn't cause any more destruction in any town. Later on, the MERYL STRYFE unit will fall in love with your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit, although she will keep denying it herself. Be careful, though, if she annoyed, she tends to hit.
MILLY THOMPSON: A large woman, although relatively cute. She is rather stupid, but never fails to point out the obvious truth. She is an assistant to the MERYL STRYFE unit, and is also a good friend. She will also follow your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit as part of her work for the Bernardelli Insurance Society. She will get along well with your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit.
NICHOLAS WOLFWOOD: A wandering priest who carries a large crucifix along with him. He, too, has excellent gunman skills, and soon becomes good friends with your VASH THE STAMPEDE units. Although, he may tend to turn against your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit unless is talked out of it by the MILLY THOMPSON unit. Be careful of the crucifix, it's a gun. Before any interaction with your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit, make sure you take it from him.
KNIVES: VASH THE STAMPEDE brother. Although the two of them may look alike on the outside, they're the exact opposite on the inside. KNIVES will try to kill your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit by sending assassins after him. Try to avoid at all costs.
Other Unit Interactions:
REM SAVEREM: The woman who took care of your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit while he was still a kid; she's also the one who gave him his haircut, so if you've got problems with it, go to her. Furthermore; she's your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit's first love.
LEGATO BLUESUMMERS: A guy who works for the KNIVES unit. He is able to use telepathy to control people, and make them turn against each other. His sole purpose is to get your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit to kill people. This one, you should also try to avoid at all costs.
THE GUN-HO GUNS: The GUN-HO GUNS unit consists of 10 members; GRAY THE NINELIVES, DOMINIQUE THE CYCLOPS, ZAZIE THE BEAST, LEANOF THE PUPPETMASTER, HOPPERED THE GAUNTLET, RAI-DIE THE BLADE, E.G. MINE, CAINE THE LONGSHOT, MIDVALLEY THE HORNFREAK and CHAPEL THE EVERGREEN. Those ten units have to be avoided at all times because they will attempt to kill your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit.
It is recommended that you give your VASH THE STAMPEDE a thorough cleaning at least once a week. While your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit might give your a hard time at first due to issues of modesty and embarrassment, it is important that you assist him until he gets the hang of the marvels of the modern plumbing.
For your convenience, we have provided the following step-by-step process for cleaning:
1) Fill a tub full of water.
2) Remove attire and ask your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit to step into the tub.
3) Wash hair with water.
4) Rub shampoo into hair.
5) Repeat step 3.
6) Rub conditioner into hair.
7) Repeat step 5.
8) Scrub body with a soapy washcloth.
9) Dump bucket of water over head of your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit.
10) Leave your unit to soak in the tub for about an hour.
When finished, rub VASH THE STAMPEDE unit dry with towel. Use a second towel for his hair. Do not tumble dry unit. Do not dry-clean unit. Do not machine-dry unit. Do not hang unit out on the line to dry. He will not appreciate it.
Please note that you should also give your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit a haircut every once in a while because he isn't able to do that himself.
Your VASH THE STAMPEDE is able to continue through his everyday dilemmas without eating, considering he's a plant and is a source of energy himself. However, he will happily accept anything you give to him. His favorite thing to eat is probably donuts.
Frequently Asked Questions:
Q: I lent my VASH THE STAMPEDE unit to my friend for "private reasons", as she said, and now, for some reason, he just won't return no matter what I do!! I've even offered him hundreds of donuts, but he just wouldn't come back! What's going on?
A: Uh-oh. Looks like your friend has managed to keep your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit o herself by buying him a unit from the HOT BABES collection. If you ever want to see your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit again, you'd do best to get an ELIZABETH unit from the SUPER BABES collection, and he'll come back in a flash. The ELIZABETH unit will come in handy considering she's a chief engineer. In other words, you'll hit two birds with one stone!
Q: When I opened my box of the VASH THE STAMPEDE unit, I found a guy with blue eyes, a lighter shade of blond hair and NO mole next to his eye. He also keeps going on about taking over the world and killing all of mankind! What gives?
A: Oops! You've received a KNIVES unit from our VILLIANS collection by mistake! If you prefer the VASH THE STAMPEDE unit to the KNIVES unit, send the VASH unit back and we'll ship you the VASH THE STAMPEDE unit - free of charge!! However, if you wish to keep your KNIVES unit, you must take into consideration that he's going to eventually turn you into a slave and kill all your friends. Live with it!
Q: My kids want to play dress-up with the VASH THE STAMPEDE unit I bought, but I'm afraid to give him to them because they might get scared by the hideous scars on his body. What should I do?
A: You have two options. One; you tell them that the VASH THE STAMPEDE unit is too old to be playing dress-up with them, or you could go ahead and pay for huge plastic surgery, and laser treatment bills. Though, if you ask me, I'm sure both you and your unit would find the first option more suitable.
Q: I was just wondering, can my VASH THE STAMPEDE unit vote?
A: Your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit is probably older than anyone else on the planet, and I believe that he'd be perfectly allowed to vote.
Q: My VASH THE STAMPEDE keeps going around the house, flashing us the V-sign, and saying, "Love and Peace"! He's even made me, my husband and kids sit down and had us recite it to him! How can I get him to stop?
A: Your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit is merely teaching you the importance of love and peace. It's impossible to get him to stop, so you're just going to have to live with it. Or else, get ear plugs. If the problem persists, we can always send you the KNIVES unit, who will instead be saying, "Hate and War". It's your choice.
Q: I bought a VASH THE STAMPEDE unit to act Bodyguard for me and my family, but all he's been doing is hovering around my wife, and she seems totally fine with it! What the hell should I do about that?
A: The question you should be asking yourself is - Is my wife pretty enough to trigger the One-night-stand-in function?. If she is, we suggest that you get rid of your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit, and we recommend that you go for the MILLY THOMPSON unit, instead, for she can perform as an excellent bodyguard herself.
Q: I asked VASH THE STAMPEDE to shoot my neighbor who's been annoying the crap out of me for the past few years, but he solely refuses to do it! Is he malfunctioning? I demand an immediate refund!
A: ...you have been forewarned that the VASH THE STAMPEDE unit will not commit any murder, even though he's an ace gunman. I'm afraid we can't give you a refund, and we suggest that you seek mental help. Of course, if you still want your neighbor assassinated, why don't your order one of the GUN-HO GUNS? We assure you that you'll get immediate results.
Problem: The arm of your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit has become stiff and he's complaining about how he's not able to move it properly.
Solution: You just have to send VASH THE STAMPEDE to the DOCTOR unit on the SEEDS spaceship which is still hanging in the air. He should be able to provide your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit with a brand-new arm - free of all charges! Of course, you should know that he might be forced to stay there by a certain JESSICA unit, who claims to have a crush on him, and then a BRAD unit might kill him...so, just in case, have a very hearty good-bye before you send him off.
Problem: Your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit has gone into the Seriously Guilty setting, and just won't seem to get out of it.
Solution: Get a MERYL STRYFE unit to talk to your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit, and this would provide him with a slow treatment after which he'd come out, totally guilt-free!! Of course, you might also like to press the Reset button on your unit and save yourself the trouble.
Problem: Your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit keeps on humming this tune and whenever he sees you he starts calling you Rem.
Solution: It seems like your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit has gone into the Depressed setting, and he's probably brooding about the past, which also means that you should start paying for mental therapy. Of course, it could also mean that he thinks that you're so much like his first love, the REM SAVEREM unit, and could mean that he's falling in love with you! Love is a beautiful thing! Indulge in it!
Problem: Your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit is refusing to save you from a certain cockroach that is scuttling around on your kitchen floor.
Solution: Just wait till the cockroach goes away and then call for the exterminators, as your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit will solely refuse to destroy any life, especially since he goes by the motto, "Thou shall not kill".
Problem: You sent your VASH THE STAMPEDE out to run some errands for you and he still hasn't come back.
Solution: What are you doing, sitting here and reading the manual? You should be out looking for him in prisons, hospitals...and maybe even morgues, for God's sake! You do realize that your unit has a 60$ billion reward on his head, don't you?
Problem: Your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit is going about singing a song about murder. It's lyrics go sort of like this, "To-tal slaughter, to-tal slaughter, I won't leave a single man alive, la la la loo la..."
Solution: You need not worry about getting killed yourself in this situation. This is a song the VASH THE STAMPEDE units usually sing when they're trying to take on a group of men without killing anyone. It's mainly sang to scare the enemies. If you don't like the song, again, we suggest that you get earplugs.
With proper care and maintenance, your VASH THE STAMPEDE unit will lead a full and (almost) happy life while living under your roof. His warranty is good for many years yet to come, taking into consideration that you're probably going to die before he does. If, for any reason, you can't stand having a certain blond man under your roof, just tell him World Peace had happened and he'll be off in no time!
A/N: Done!! Well, what did you think? God, I'm really excited about this story; it's so funny, innit? By the way, that long name I wrote in the basic information, he did mention it in the episode when he first met Wolfwood, remember it? Ooh, and the song is there in episode 19 for anyone who wants to listen to it; I swear, I crack up every time I hear it. Well, I do hope you've liked it, at any rate, because I'll be wanting reviews!!
- S. N. B.