|KYO SOHMA: The Owner's Guide and Maintenace Manual
Author: starry night blue PM
[ONESHOT] Congratulations! You now own a KYO SOHMA. Read to find out how you can manage your new unit. A fic inspired by the authoress Theresa GreenRated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Kyo S. - Words: 3,147 - Reviews: 32 - Favs: 36 - Follows: 2 - Published: 11-30-06 - Status: Complete - id: 3265708
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
D/C: I don't own Fruits Basket; it's rightfully the property of Takaya-sensei. I don't own the idea of this story, either; it belongs to the authoress Theresa Green, and written with her full permission.
Hello!! I really loved the idea of this story, and before I know it, I've been writing one for almost every anime character I know (and the ones who no one has written about yet), and it's so much fun!! Well, anyway, I'll leave you to read the story now, okay? Happy Reading!!
KYO SOHMA: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
Congratulations!! You are now the proud owner of a fully-automated KYO SOHMA unit. To ensure that you get the full use and benefits of your Zodiac Cat, please pay close attention to the following instructions.
Name: Kyo Sohma (a.k.a. Baka Neko, Kyon-kyon, Anger Management boy)
Date of Manufacture: The year 1985.
Place of Manufacture: Japan.
Weight: Relatively light.
Your KYO SOHMA unit will come with the following accessories:
One beaded (black and white) bracelet.
One black t-shirt.
Two pair khaki pants.
One blue sweater.
One white sweater.
One dark blue shirt.
One red shirt.
One school uniform.
One school bag.
One brown jacket.
One set of gym clothes.
One white t-shirt.
One pair black pants.
One purple shirt.
When you first open the box containing your KYO SOHMA unit, you will notice that his clothes maybe battered, and he will look skinny and slightly ill-nourished. We assure you that this is perfectly NORMAL, considering your KYO SOHMA unit spends most of his time training in the mountains. A good bath and a good meal will make him appear as good as new...although, it probably won't improve his attitude much.
The KYO SOHMA functions as an all-purpose martial artist, and posses other talents as well. Yet, he would not be willing to share his fighting skills with you, but if he grows fond of you, it will be harder for him to say no to you. So hope for the best. The KYO SOHMA unit (once you tame him a bit) will function as follows:
Fighter-for-hire: Need someone to fight your brawls and conflicts? Your KYO SOHMA unit is perfect for the job. He's trained in a dojo and in the mountains on different types of martial arts, and will gladly enter into any fight whatsoever, and you can be sure to bet on him winning, except, of course, it's the YUKI SOHMA unit that he's fighting...because that would be a different story.
Housekeeper: Although not a very good one, your KYO SOHMA unit is fully capable of doing various chores in your household, ranging from cooking to cleaning. Keep in mind that asking him to do chores requires a large amount of conviction.
Demolisher: Your KYO SOHMA unit also specializes in destroying properties, and he does it free of all charges. Just ask a KAGURA SOHMA, or a YUKI SOHMA unit to come over, and the rest of the job will be done.
Construction worker: The KYO SOHMA unit can fix any hole in your ceiling, or any slide door, in an instance! Just give him a role of spell-o-tape and some paper, and leave the rest up to him! The cheap and easy way!
Contestant in cat competitions: Your KYO SOHMA will transform into a cat for your watching pleasure!! If you're a female, just hug him and he will immediately turn into an orange cat for you to take and enter into cat competitions!! We don't guarantee your winning, but we sure can guarantee an entry!
Your KYO SOHMA unit comes with seven different modes:
Friendly (Level three lock)
Mr. Nice Guy
Scary (Level six lock)
Please note that the Rude setting and the Angry setting are entirely different, however similar they may appear to you. In the Rude setting, you may get badmouthed or roughly scolded, while in the Angry setting you could be in danger of getting a severe beating, so, just in case, stay out of your KYO SOHMA unit's way in both these settings.
The Friendly setting can only be activated after the KYO SOHMA unit gets to trust you and like you. Don't ask us how you're supposed to do that; it's up to you to find out on your own. Also, once the Friendly setting is activated, you may get to experience some of the amazing benefits of the Mr. Nice Guy setting, but we would strongly advise you not to hope for much.
The Embarrassed setting can be activated whenever your KYO SOHMA unit is accused of doing something nice to a girl, or is accused of flirting with a girl, such as the TOHRU HONDA unit. You'll know that your KYO SOHMA unit is in the embarrassed setting once his face turns red and he sprouts a tail and cat ears. The Embarrassed settings also has some disadvantages, considering that the KYO SOHMA unit will pummel you to make you shut up.
The Scared setting can be easily activated once a KAGURA SOHMA unit appears. Of course, we don't recommend that you activate that setting, because it would likely result in your KYO SOHMA unit running away from home.
The Scared setting is only, and only if, the beaded bracelet of your KYO SOHMA unit is removed. That would automatically result into the transformation of your KYO SOHMA unit into an extremely scary (and foul-smelling) beast.
Relations with other Units:
Your KYO SOHMA unit is a solitary creature who doesn't really welcome the company of others, but unfortunately for him, people are naturally attracted to him, and he gradually learns that he can't live without his friends. He could be rude and annoying, but that could only mean that he cares.
TOHRU HONDA: The ever-optimistic girl who shares a home with your KYO SOHMA unit. Cute, brown hair, blue eyes, kinda short. At first, your unit does not like her and insists that she leaves the house, but after a while, he realizes that he actually likes her, and she also happens to be the only one who can calm your KYO SOHMA unit when he's angry. So, if anything happens, be sure to ring her up.
YUKI SOHMA: The long-time rival of your KYO SOHMA unit. Your unit will seek a fight with the YUKI SOHMA unit whenever he sets eyes on him, and if a fight should occur between those two units, make sure that a HATORI SOHMA unit is nearby to patch him up, and a construction worker to fix the damage resulting from the brawl. Your KYO SOHMA unit is jealous of the YUKI SOHMA unit and will do anything to top him off. The YUKI SOHMA unit will turn into a mouse if he is hugged by a member of the opposite sex. And be careful to keep your KYO SOHMA unit away from him while he's sleeping, because the YUKI SOHMA units happen to be much stronger when they're asleep.
SHIGURE SOHMA: The man whose house is also a home for your KYO SOHMA unit. He will always continue to tease and taunt your KYO SOHMA unit, which will result in triggering the Angry setting in your unit. Although good-hearted, the SHIGURE SOHMA unit will never miss a chance to flirt with the TOHRU HONDA unit, or any unit from the HIGHSCHOOL GIRLS collection at that, which often irritates the KYO SOHMA unit. When hugged, the SHIGURE SOHMA unit will turn into a dog.
AKITO SOHMA: The head of the SOHMA FAMILY collection. He clearly stated that the KYO SOHMA unit won't be given a place in the SOHMA family unless he manages to beat the YUKI SOHMA unit in a battle. He totally rejects all KYO SOHMA units. Try to avoid at all times.
SHISHOU: The man who raised your KYO SOHMA unit after his mother died and his father deserted him (You've got yourself one happy unit, eh?), so if you've got a problem with his behavior, this guy's your man. He's also the one who taught him the martial arts, and your KYO SOHMA unit is trying to be someone who can call the SHISHOU unit Daddy. So don't get any hopes of getting that title for yourself, 'kay?
KAGURA SOHMA: The most life-threatening unit to your KYO SOHMA unit is the KAGURA SOHMA unit. Whenever this unit sets eyes on the KYO SOHMA unit, she loses all control of herself and will do anything to force the KYO SOHMA unit into marrying her...maybe even kill him. If you hear that the KAGURA SOHMA unit is nearby, send your KYO SOHMA away on a long journey, and if you've got feelings for your KYO SOHMA, don't tell her that because she'll probably kill you. Please note that the KAGURA SOHMA unit is fully capable of hugging the KYO SOHMA unit without turning into a boar.
Other Unit Interactions:
ARISA UOTANI: A Yankee thug, and one of the TOHRU HONDA unit's best friend. The ARISA UOTANI unit will take any opportunity to challenge your KYO SOHMA unit into a game of cards, in which your KYO SOHMA unit will probably lose and end up doing chores.
SAKI HANAJIMA: A psychic girl who can sense denpa waves, and is another of the TOHRU HONDA unit's best friends. Your KYO SOHMA is constantly freaked out by her due to her uncanny ability to tell exactly what's on his mind. If you don't want your KYO SOHMA unit to go to therapy, you'd best avoid this girl.
MOMIJI SOHMA: A blond, half-German, half-Japanese boy whose cheerful voice and happy antics constantly bug your KYO SOHMA unit. If you think that the MOMIJI SOHMA unit is cute and don't want his ears boxed, try to keep him clear out of any KYO SOHMA units' way. However, the MOMIJI SOHMA unit tends to always accuse your KYO SOHMA unit of having the "hots" for the TOHRU HONDA unit. He will turn into a rabbit whenever he is hugged by a female.
HATSUHARU SOHMA: A very nice, well-mannered boy who will go out of his way to engage your KYO SOHMA unit into a hand-to-hand combat. However, take notice that the KYO SOHMA will usually refuse to get into a fight with the HATSUHARU SOHMA unit (especially if he's in a match with the YUKI SOHMA unit) which will result in the awakening of the BLACK HARU unit, who is aggressive and far from nice. Beware of him. Also, the HATSUHARU SOHMA unit's Zodiac animal is the cow.
Your KYO SOHMA unit is fully capable of washing himself and is aware of how to use the marvels of the modern day plumbing, though sometimes he may tend to wash himself under the waterfall, which is perfectly NORMAL.
The KYO SOHMA unit is also capable of drying himself properly, once you provide him with clean towels. However, there should be any programming failure, you'll be required to rub the KYO SOHMA unit dry with a towel. Do not dry-clean unit. Do not tumble dry unit. Do not machine-dry unit. Do not hang unit on clothes line to dry; he will not appreciate it. (Besides, it will be full with the laundry done by the TOHRU HONDA unit!)
Although the KYO SOHMA unit is able to cook his own meals, he will really appreciate it if you provided him with three meals per day, and it will eventually trigger the Friendly setting. However, if your don't want to get the opposite effect, be sure not to include Miso, Leeks and Onions in his everyday meals, for these are the three things the KYO SOHMA units hates the most...after the YUKI SOHMA unit, of course.
Frequently Asked Questions:
Q: My KYO SOHMA unit has been throwing up constantly. What the hell's going on?
A: Have you included Miso, leeks or Onions in his meals? If so, then that's the problem; you should know that your KYO SOHMA unit hates those three ingredients. Just be sure not to do it again, and he'll stop throwing up for sure.
Q: I've been asking my KYO SOHMA unit to cook meals for us, but all he seems to make is Medley soup! For ten days all we've been getting is soup, and we're tired of it! What's wrong with him?
A: Is a certain TOHRU HONDA unit sick? Because the KYO SOHMA unit will continue to make soup for the TOHRU HONDA unit until she gets all better. If you want to enjoy eating other meals, you'd do best to get the HATORI SOHMA unit to treat the TOHRU HONDA unit ASAP. I mean, ten days is just a long period for a person to be sick! What are you, heartless or something?
Q: Well...when I first opened the box which supposedly should be containing my KYO SOHMA unit, I found a little girl with golden hair and these big brown eyes. She's cute...but she's definitely no KYO SOHMA. What more, she never talks. Ooh, and when my little brother hugged her, she turned into a tiger! What gives?
A: Hehe...it looks like your order's been mixed up. You've apparently received the KISA SOHMA unit. See, they're both from the canine family, so that's probably why the mix-up happened. If you don't want the KISA SOHMA unit, just send her back to us and we'll send you the KYO SOHMA unit - free of charge!! However, if you still wish to keep the KISA SOHMA unit, you'd best bring a YUKI SOHMA unit to get her to talk before she ends up biting the whole of your family. Her bite hurts, you know.
Q: I can't find any of my KYO SOHMA unit's clothes anywhere!! It's like they vanished or something! And he won't come out of his room because he has nothing to wear! What should I do?
A: Don't worry. This is just a simple matter of the KAGURA SOHMA unit taking all your KYO SOHMA unit's clothes and cleaning them. You'll probably find them hanging outside on the clothes' line. Of course, you might have to get him some new clothes because most of them will be torn.
Q: Ever since I got my KYO SOHMA, I just can't stop sneezing!! What's wrong?
A: Well, you've obviously got allergy to cats. Our advice to you, get rid of the KYO SOHMA unit as soon as possible before you die of rashes and breathing problems.
Problem: Valentine's Day has come and you find that your KYO SOHMA unit has ran away from home. What more, you find that a KAGURA SOHMA unit is tearing your house apart while she calls out for him.
Solution: Don't worry about your KYO SOHMA unit; the arrival of Valentine's Day has probably triggered the Scared setting and he's gone away on a journey to avoid meeting the KAGURA SOHMA unit. Oh, and as for her...you'd better stay clear out of her way because she won't stop wrecking your house until she makes sure that the KYO SOHMA unit is not there. When she leaves, call the construction workers.
Problem: You went out to visit some friends and when you come back you find that your screen doors have been ruined and there's a hole in your second floor ceiling and your KYO SOHMA unit is lying in the garden, bruised, and your TOHRU HONDA unit has blood on her forehead.
Setting: Easy. Your KYO SOHMA unit has just been reunited with the YUKI SOHMA unit, and that would explain the hole in the ceiling and the ruined screen doors. As for the TOHRU HONDA unit, get the HATORI SOHMA unit to patch her up and again...call the construction workers.
Problem: Your KYO SOHMA unit has turned into a monster and just won't turn back. What more, he's run away and for some reason he's just too angry and depressed.
Solution: What are you, an idiot? Your KYO SOHMA unit has obviously been in a run in with the SHISHO unit who went and removed his bracelet. Get a TOHRU HONDA unit to deal with your KYO SOHMA unit and hurry ahead and find the damn bracelet. Sheesh!!
Problem: Your house has been, for some reason, infested with cats.
Solution: That's completely natural. Your KYO SOHMA unit happens to be a cat, himself, and cats are automatically attracted to him...especially the female ones. If you don't want to see that many cats around the house anymore, we would strongly recommend that you get the SHIGURE SOHMA unit, who will make sure that no cats approach the house.
Problem: You asked your KYO SOHMA unit to fix your roof, but for some reason, it's still leaking.
Solution: Your KYO SOHMA unit had obviously tried to fix your rook with some normal everyday paper. Hand him another roll of spell-o-tape and some proper elastic paper. That should get the job done. If you're still not satisfied with the results, just get your lazy bum off the couch and call the proper construction workers.
With proper care and maintenance, your KYO SOHMA unit will lead a full and happy life while living under your roof. His warranty is good for many years yet to come, taking into consideration that you might probably have to give him up by the time he finishes high school in order to be locked up in the main house, unless, of course, he gets to beat the YUKI SOHMA unit before that. However, if, for any reason (say, huge construction bills), you wish to get rid of your KYO SOHMA unit, just tell him that the KAGURA SOHMA unit is coming to stay with you, and he'll be off in no time!
A/N: Well? What did you think? Was it good enough? I'm going to be writing the YUKI SOHMA: The User Guide and Instruction Manual next, so if you have any suggestions don't hesitate to tell them to me along with your reviews, okay? (hint, hint) Thanks for reading!!
- S. N. B.