A F T E R M A T H

Chapter: One shot

Type: post-episodic ; angst ; drama

Rating: PG

Characters: Carson Beckett ; Rodney McKay

Timeline: Just after episode 3x09 - PHANTOMS

Summary: Beckett has trouble coping with the aftermath of the events that occurred on the planet, especially the death of Barroso. Beckett tries to help him.

McKay was checking his calculations, again, for the fourth time. The result was the same as before and he let go a sight of relief. ‘Calm down’ he thought ‘hallucinations are over’.

He rubbed his eyes and decided that it was time for him to go back to his bedroom and try to get a few hours of sleep. After all, it was well earned. He had gotten shot again, right after thinking his life was about to end because of the device's overload. He then had to put up with Hermiod – the annoying know-it-all – and then Weir and her never-ending debriefing.

He walked out of his lab and decided to first get some fresh air.

The glass door opened to let Rodney through and he felt relieved to be outside. Fresh air was definitely a good idea though this one was a little bit saturated with iodize but it was not like he could do something about it, or perhaps –

He stopped dead in his thoughts when he realized he wasn't alone outside. Beckett was leaning on the reeling, absently looking at the dark horizon. He did not hear McKay approaching – probably to absorbed in his own thoughts – and the scientist wondered if he should stay or just go back and leave the doctor mope alone.

“Hello Carson,” he said.

“Evening Rodney,” the other man replied without even looking up, his Scottish accent somehow less cheerful than usual.

Rodney didn't really understand why his friend looked so sad. Ok, this had been a very unsettling experience and they’d all been left a little creeped out, but they would all survive to see another day.

“What's wrong?” he asked in a tired, slightly impatient voice.

Beckett turned over to look at him and the sad expression on the man's face hurt Rodney more than he would have thought.

“Nothing's wrong,” he said before resuming his previous occupation – absently looking at the horizon – “Nothing's wrong, a man died, but apart from that small detail, nothing's wrong,” he replied in a sarcastic voice that left Rodney unsettled.

He was not used to hear his friend talking like that. He wanted to help him, but did not know what to do or say. Unlike Teyla, he wasn't good at that kind of thing. And all he came up with was a pathetic “It wasn't your fault,”

“Just leave me alone Rodney,” the doctor asked.

That wasn't really the reply McKay was expecting. He could have obeyed him. Leaving and finally taking the long desired hours of sleep he so much wanted, but that was a little to easy to do. “No,” he said, taking a few steps forward to stand next to Carson. For one of the first time in his life he really had no idea of what he was doing.

“It wasn't your fault Carson, that machine was playing with your brain,” he said in a calm yet firm voice. “We've all seen things, done things we didn't want to. Hell, Shepard even tried to kill me,”

He wanted to say something grand and profound but all he could come up with was the already-said “It wasn’t your fault,” could it be that the simplest thought was enough?

It seemed to have some effect on the other man, for Carson turned his head to look at him. His eyes wet, reflecting the pain and mixed emotions the man felt.

“How could it not be my fault?” he asked, raising his voice a little, his accent harsh.

“I thought Barroso was fine and had gone outside but the poor lad was dying, right in front of me,” he paused, his voice shaky. “For all I know he must probably have begged me to help him and I did not hear, so how could it not be my fault Rodney. How?”

He was looking at McKay expectantly, waiting for an answer, some sort of explanation that would just take the pain away, but all Rodney found to say, again, was a ruffled mumbling that sounded like “Not your fault”.

“I could have ended it all by just pulling out a cable. It was that simple but looked so complicate to me. We all wish it had been different. … The only persons we can blame it on are the Wraiths, Carson. It’s their device that killed him, their device, not you.” McKay said in low voice.

Beckett turned his head to hide the silent tear that was running down is cheek but it was a little too late and Rodney saw it. Hesitantly, he put a hand on his friend's shoulder for comfort. He was angry at himself, why was it so damn hard to find the right words. "I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better," he said.

Carson forced a smile on his lips and thanked Rodney for trying. The scientist was not good at it and it was not lost on him. But he was trying and that made the Scott feel a little bit better. Yet the pain was still very present. All he wanted was to scream it out loud, but he could barely speak the next words "Poor lad was so young. I was there and he died alone," Some more tears clouded his eyes and it was getting harder for him to prevent them from falling.

Rodney felt so helpless, for once he did not know what to say. Without really realising what he was doing, he extended his right harm and put it on Carson's other shoulder before pulling the man in a tight embrace. He wasn't really sure of what he was doing, if it was the right thing to do or not. For a second he feared that Carson would step back but he did not move so Rodney held him a little closer. He felt the Scott shaking a little and realized he was crying. He let him do so, without saying a thing and rubbed his back a little. He was surprised at how easily the moves came to him. This and the small quiet mumbling – a mix of 'it's ok' and 'shhhh' on a reassuring, almost-melodic tone – came naturally to him.

He had no idea how long they stayed like that, minutes or hours, in each other's arms, crying softly. It was Carson who finally pulled back, leaning his back to the reeling. Rodney stayed where he was, to afraid to say something wrong to speak. Carson finally broke the silence. "Thank you Rodney," he said, his voice sounding more like its usual self.

"Any time," the scientist replied. "Do you feel better?"

The Scott shook his head "No," and took a few steps towards the doors before adding "But I will,"

Rodney smiled as the glass doors closed again. He gave on last look at the horizon before getting back inside Atlantis. It was time to sleep.