Author's Note: An update at last! Some of the jokes in this one are inspired by Sardonic Kender Smile's Fire Emblem fanfic Huzzah. It's crazy hilarious, so go read it. And her other stories, because she's an insanely good writer. Now, with that said...on with the fic! And thank to all the reviewers! You're all awesome-ness. And Just Me--yes, I have updated...it just took me a bit to think of a good idea. ;;;

Chapter 8: Cry Me a River

“Hmmm…hmmm…”

“What’s wrong, Subieko?” asked Tas.

Subieko sighed, leaning back in her chair. “I don’t know what we should do next. I think every chapter so far has featured Raistlin! Not that he isn’t cool, but we should give the poor guy a break.”

“Yeah, but who else should we do? Raistlin has the most problems.”

“That’s certainly true.” The two fell silent, thinking hard.

Then Tas looked up. “Hey…what about Riverwind? He didn’t even get into the last story.”

Subieko sat up suddenly, aghast. “Whoa—I completely forgot about him! …well, he’s never really had a big part in anything…he’s a bit of a nonentity…”

“He was always the silent type,” Tas put in helpfully. “He and Goldmoon had some issues in Dragons of Autumn Twilight, though.”

“Yeah….yeah!” Subieko said, warming to the idea. “Tas, you’re a genius! Riverwind is the perfect character to analyze…he has almost no personality in the books besides being silent all the time, so there’s no way for us to make him in-character—he has no character! Oh, this is perfect…”

Sturm, standing behind them at his post, groaned softly. Would none of the companions escape unscathed…?

-o-o-o-o-o-

“Go on in, sonny. Nothing to worry about, now, no need to be nervous,” Fizban said, ushering Riverwind into Subieko’s office.

Riverwind sat down in one of the deep leather chairs, his face completely impassive. Not a shred of emotion was in his eyes. He didn’t make so much as a whisper of sound.

“So, Riverwind…how are you today?”

Riverwind said nothing.

“Good, good,” Subieko said. “Now, Riverwind…we’re here to address one of your main problems. Yes, I know—it’s not easy to face it. But you’ve got to, Riverwind!”

Riverwind said nothing.

“Is he still alive, Subieko?” asked Tas, waving a hand in front of Riverwind’s eyes. “Maybe Fizban sent in a stuffed dummy instead of Riverwind, just for a joke.”

“No, that’s the real deal…unfortunately. Riverwind, you are really making this difficult. We need to work together, Riverwind. Now are you going to cooperate or not?”

Riverwind said nothing.

“Do you think that’s a yes or a no?” asked Subieko.

Tas stroked his chin thoughtfully. The gesture really would have worked better if he had a beard, but after all you can’t have everything. “I think he said he’s hungry. I’m going to go get some snacks—I’m a little hungry too.”

Subieko gave a long, gusty sigh. “Just great…this is completely un-funny!”

Sturm gasped. “Lady Subieko, you said the point of these sessions was to help us!”

Subieko shrugged. “Believe me, Sturm, making you guys even slightly humorous is a big help. And anyway, what are you complaining about? I’m not making fun of you!”

“Yes, you are!” Sturm protested, but he was ignored, because at that moment Tas came back in, dragging Goldmoon along with him.

“Look who I found, Subieko—Goldmoon! I bet she can help us therapy-ize Riverwind!”

“You mean counsel Riverwind, Tas. And yeah, that’s a great idea!”

“Plus I have snacks,” Tas said, plunking himself down beside Subieko and helping himself to some spiced potatoes. “You want any, Sturm?”

The knight shook his head morosely. There was no point in saying anything to Subieko—nothing could stop her insanity now…

Goldmoon sat down next to Riverwind, giving him a quick hug. “So how’s the session going, dear?”

Riverwind said nothing.

“Oh…that’s too bad,” said Goldmoon, giving him a sympathetic pat on the arm. “Well, don’t give up yet—Subieko and Tas are very good therapists!”

Tas smiled proudly. “We sure are! Why, we even helped Dalamar and Raistlin work out their relationship problems?”

Goldmoon blinked. “…what relationship problems?”

“Okay, let’s get started!” Subieko said quickly, elbowing Tas in the ribs. “So, Goldmoon…I hope we’ll make more progress now that you’re here. You’ve already resolved all of your psychological problems, right? That’s why you were so peaced-out in the War of Souls. Except for that whole traumatic episode thing, but I’m sure you’ve gotten over that.”

Goldmoon opened her mouth to speak, but Subieko waved a hand. “No, no, don’t say anything. I have great confidence in you. Now let’s work with Riverwind. Riverwind, do you know why we’re here?”

Riverwind said nothing.

“He says he doesn’t need to be here,” Goldmoon reported. “And I agree. He’s perfect just the way he is!”

“Um…right,” Subieko said. “Anyway…we’re here because you’re so antisocial. You clearly have some weird thing about people and being inside buildings. You’re as bad as Rath!”

“Who’s Rath?” Sturm asked.

Subieko grinned. “Oh he’s this Sacaen ranger guy from Blazing Blade, he’s really cool except that he totally should NOT end up with Lyn because Kent has to and for some reason people think he and Wil should end up together, but really I think Wil is much better with Rebecca, and they have a canon ending too so—“

“Never mind,” Sturm said desperately. “I’m sorry I asked! I’m sorry!”

Subieko blushed. “Er…sorry about that—different fandom. Anyway…Riverwind, you just can’t socialize! It’s time to teach you how to get along with other people.”

Riverwind said nothing.

“Oh, you made him angry,” Goldmoon said. “He says he doesn’t want to become social. He’s happy the way he is.”

Subieko’s eyes narrowed. “Goldmoon, just because he’s in denial doesn’t mean we should let him go on like this! It’s just not normal to be as silent as he is!”

Riverwind said nothing. He face was completely still.

“Subieko, look at that scowl—you’re really upsetting him!”

Subieko sighed. “Look, Riverwind…wouldn’t you like to be able to talk to your friends more—to hang out with Tanis and Caramon and Raistlin? Well, maybe not Raistlin. But anyway wouldn’t you like to be able to talk to them?”

Riverwind said nothing. He did not move.

“Maybe she has a point, honey,” Goldmoon said. “I know all of our friends would love to talk to you…”

“We’ll start slow, okay, Riverwind? We’ll practice making conversation…staying inside buildings…you know, that sort of thing. Hey—how about we have Goldmoon and Tanis help us, huh? You’d like talking to them, right?”

Riverwind said nothing. His face was still expressionless.

“Oh, look how happy you made him—he’s smiling!” said Goldmoon.

“Right…so, you guys can come back for your next session tomorrow…” Subieko said.

The two walked out the door; Riverwind was completely silent, Goldmoon was beaming and chattering amicably.

Subieko sat back in her chair, frowning. “You know…sometimes I think Goldmoon knows Riverwind a little too well.”

“…could be,” said Sturm.

Tas just shrugged. “He may not be very interesting to be around, but I bet once we get him talking he’ll have loads of things to say!”

“Tas, he’s not a mute,” Sturm said. “He just doesn’t like to talk. He may not have anything he wants to say even if you convince him to talk to you.”

Tas and Subieko weren’t listening. They were already planning Riverwind’s role-playing scenarios.