A Kenshin Omake Theatre
By Calger459 & Ranma1517730129
(otherwise known as the people that brought you "How does Karou get dressed anyway?")
Standard disclaimers apply, we don't own Rurouni Kenshin blah blah...
The muse struck us...we're officially insane ;) Many thanks to Miyu Sakura of Shin Ka: Evolution who provided us with the oh-so-accurate "Battousai is not a noun" observation. I hope you don't mind that we used your notation from the end of your fic...it was just so appropriate. Arigatou! Oh, and before you read this, if there's anything in here that you think pertains to one of your fanfictions, we didn't mean to be insulting we just wanted to look at fanfiction through Kenshin's eyes. It's not easy being green? Enjoy!
Sano, Yahiko and Karou are walking from the Akabeko when they realize Kenshin has wandered off. To their surprise, Kenshin is hiding in the bushes. Or rather, cowering in the bushes.
"Kenshin, what are you doing?"
"Didn't you see them?"
"The fanfic writers Karou-dono..." Kenshin's eyes are wide. "They travel in packs de gozaru..."
"They're after me again...I am deeply worried..."
Yahiko and Sano just blink in disbelief. "What's a fanfic writer?"
"Oh, they're awful," Kenshin looks around cautiously. "They could be anywhere...they're omniscient..."
Sano flashes warding gestures at Kenshin. "You wanna piss off the tanuki spirits!? Shhh!"
Yahiko rolls his eyes. "Oh whatever Mr. 'that-camera's-gonna-steal-my-soul' ! Where'd you hear a bunch of crap like that?"
Kenshin shakes his head. "No, no you don't understand, if I don't hide they'll find me and treat me horribly!"
"Uh, like how?"
"Well...they won't let me eat. Or go to the bathroom, or be a normal man!"
"And I always have angst. I can never be happy ever. And they think I'm psycho; I keep arguing with Battousai in my head..."
"I thought you were the Battousai."
"No, no, I'm not the Battousai I am Battousai, it's a nickname not a noun! And they make me do awful things! I killed five people last week! Killed!! For something they call a 'challenge fic' !"
Yahiko blinks. "That does sound awful. Why do they want you to kill? Isn't that sort of the appeal of your character?"
"I thought it was...but the fanfic writers seem to like to mess with reality." Kenshin hangs his head in despair.
"And that's not the worst part...I uh...Sessha..." He glances at Karou and turns the same color as his hair. "I can't say it around Karou-dono".
Sano's way ahead of him. "They made you do the nasty?"
"Thirty times last Friday."
Yahiko whistles appreciatively. "Go Kenshin!"
"NO!" Kenshin shakes his head violently and retreats further in the bushes. "Most of it was with...with..."
Sano leers. "C'mon you can say it."
Sano turns red while Yahiko bursts into laughter.
"Why are you laughing, brat! That's not funny!"
"Yeah it is!"
"I would NEVER do that with a guy!" Sano is ready to club the smirking Tokyo Samurai.
Karou, meanwhile, is ready to faint, "Kenshin, I...never knew...your suffering..."
Kenshin sighs. "Oh it's awful having fans...apparently it's a day in the life of an overworked, underpaid, oversexed, inexperienced, gay/straight/ambiguous rurouni. "
Kenshin suddenly ducks back into the bushes out of sight. As the Kenshin-gumi look on in astonishment as pack of fanfic writers comes around the corner at a dead run screaming "Kenshin-saaaaaamaaaaa!"
"Oh my," Yahiko says in awe. "He is popular."
The pack thunders past, having missed the rurouni in the bushes. Just when the Kenshin-gumi thought they were safe, though, one writer at the back stops, turns, sees Karou and says with a maniacal grin "Hey, you, you're coming with me, I have the most wonderful Enishi fic going on..."