|KUROGANE: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
Author: starry night blue PM
[ONESHOT] You bought a KUROGANE unit. Now read on to find out how to use it. A fic inspired by Theresa Green.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Words: 2,125 - Reviews: 26 - Favs: 41 - Follows: 2 - Published: 12-24-06 - Status: Complete - id: 3305263
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
D/C: I don't own Tsubasa Chronicles. I also don't own the idea of this fic; it belongs to the authoress, Theresa Green.
Hello! Awright, I've written three of those for two other anime, and I really wanted to do one for Tsubasa, and I thought that the best one to have a guide done about him is probably Kurogane, so...here it is! Enjoy!!
KUROGANE : The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
Congratulations!! You are now the proud owner of the fully automated KUROGANE unit. To ensure that you get the full use and benefits of your ninja, please pay close attention to the following instructions.
Name: Kurogane (a.k.a. Mr. Black, Big Puppy, Kuro-chan, Kuro-rin, Kuro-tan, Kuro-chin, etc.)
Date of Manufacture: Unknown.
Place of Manufacture: Shirasaki, the country of Japan.
Weight: Rather heavy.
Length: Very sharp.
Your KUROGANE unit will come with the following accessories:
One sword; a Ginryû
One black cloak
One pair black pants
One pair black boots
One black belt
One sleeveless black shirt
One pair black wristbands
One black mask
When you first open the box containing your KUROGANE unit, you will notice that he's a bit blood-stained and angry. You don't have to worry about the bloodstains, they're only resulting from one of your KUROGANE unit's battles, and can be simply removed by a good bath. The angry part, however, well...you're gonna have to figure out how to deal with that on your own.
Your KUROGANE unit is basically a very hostile character, and won't do any job unless you provide a good enough reason for him to do it. When you get over with that part, you'll find that your unit will function as follows:
Swords master: Your KUROGANE unit is an extremely skilled swordsman, and provided you give him a good reason (say, fighting to eliminate your enemy) he will be willing to teach you the swords fighting skills that you need to know. We must warn you, however, that the KUROGANE unit is an extremely rough teacher.
Assassin: Being the cold-blooded swordsman he is, your KUROGANE unit will take care of anyone you need to have assassinated. You will be pleased to know that your KUROGANE unit won't charge you any fees when the mission is complete, since killing a person is payment enough for him.
Bodyguard: With a good payment, your KUROGANE unit will function as an excellent bodyguard, preventing both friend and foe from stepping onto your territory. Although, we must warn you that, provided with a good reason, your KUROGANE unit might turn against you and kill you himself.
Fighter-for-hire: Is there a battle/brawl/street fight going on and you need a little bit of back-up? The KUROGANE unit is your man. Being the fight-loving person he is, your KUROGANE unit will gladly step into any fight. What more, with the KUROGANE unit on your side, you can rest assured that no one else will be able to win the fight. Have fun!!
Your KUROGANE unit comes with four different modes:
The Angry setting is automatically activated after your KUROGANE unit gets teased by any other units, especially by the FAI D. FLORITE, since this unit will tend to call your KUROGANE unit with weird names, which he hates. Your KUROGANE unit will also become Angry if a certain MOKONA MODOKI unit starts singing around him. Try to avoid those two if you do not wish to anger your KUROGANE unit.
The Serious setting is only activated when a battle is going on, or when he is involved in a serious conversation, or when he's teaching someone how to use a sword, or when he's on a mission...of course, the Serious setting tends to disrupt into the Angry setting whenever someone does something stupid.
The Deadly setting in your KUROGANE unit is activated only after he meets a strong opponent, or when he's in a battle. Once this setting is activated, be warned that the KUROGANE unit will be capable of mass murder, and property damage. Of course, it could also be activated after a severe teasing session.
Relations with other Units:
FAI D. FLORITE: Your KUROGANE unit is extremely irritated by this unit. The FAI D. FLORITE happens to be a wizard, and is the polar opposite of your KUROGANE unit. Friendly and easy-going, the FAI D. FLORITE unit will continue to force himself onto the KUROGANE unit, and will tease him using many different names, out of which "Big Puppy" is the name that annoys the KUROGANE unit. Try to avoid this unit, because if the teasing, it might activate the Deadly setting in your unit.
SYAORAN: The SYAORAN unit is probably the only one your KUROGANE unit likes. He appreciates this unit's strong will, determination, and desire to help the SAKURA unit, and will help him master the techniques of the sword.
SAKURA: The KUROGANE unit doesn't interact much with this unit, and only limits to small jabs of conversation with her. Yet, he will attempt to help the SYAORAN unit try and retrieve the SAKURA unit's memories.
MOKONA MODOKI: The KUROGANE unit absolutely hates this unit. Generally called the little white pork bun, the MOKONA MODOKI unit will always choose the shoulder of the KUROGANE unit as a seat for himself, and will keep annoying your unit while he sits there. The KUROGANE unit is also a bit intimidated by the fact that the MOKONA MODOKI units tends to swallow him up whenever he wants to transport him somewhere.
Other Unit Interactions:
PRINCESS TOMOYO: This unit is probably the only unit that your KUROGANE unit will serve without waiting to listen to any reason, since she is the princess of his country. However, you'd do best to avoid contact with the PRINCESS TOMOYO unit, since she is capable of sending your KUROGANE unit off to another dimension. After that, you may never get to meet up with your KUROGANE unit again.
YÛKO: Any nearby YÛKO units will attempt to take away your unit's swords, considering it payment for her magical services. If you don't want your KUROGANE unit to lose his sword, you should try to avoid her at all times.
The KUROGANE unit is capable of cleaning himself once you introduce him to the marvels of modern plumbing. However, if you wish to continue assisting him afterwards…please notify the nearest Licensed Fan-Fiction Writer for any needed personality adjustments to your KUROGANE, since he probably won't be too happy having you washing him up.
When drying your KUROGANE, use a large towel and rub dry. Do not tumble-dry unit. Do not leave unit on clothesline to dry. Do not dry-clean unit, as he will not appreciate it.
Also, use hair gel to spike up the hair of your KUROGANE unit.
Your KUROGANE unit will accept any meal you provide him with, although he may tend to prefer Japanese food. Of course, you will have to note that your KUROGANE unit will not ask you to feed him, for he values his pride...so you will just have to provide him with three meals a day, in order to prevent starvation, or mysterious money disappearances from your house, where your unit must've taken it to buy food for himself.
Of course, it could also be your kids, stealing money behind your back.
Frequently Asked Questions:
Q: My KUROGANE unit has disappeared!! I just can't seem to find him anywhere!!
A: It seems that your KUROGANE unit has met up with a certain PRINCESS TOMOYO unit, and she had sent him away to the YÛKO unit. Since you will probably never see your KUROGANE unit again, would you like to buy another unit from our catalogue? The MOKONA MODOKI unit is one of our best-selling units!
Q: Erm...yeah. When I first opened the box which supposedly held my KUROGANE unit, I found a little white thing with big rabbit ears that keeps jumping around and singing and eating my apples whole...and is also sucking my family members through its mouth. What gives?
A: That's pretty simple. It seems that you've gotten the MOKONA MODOKI unit instead of your KUROGANE unit, and the explanation to that is that the MOKONA MODOKI unit jumped into the box, and since the KUROGANE unit doesn't like the little thing, he probably climbed out of the box and locked the MOKONA MODOKI unit inside. If you still wish to get your KUROGANE unit, send us back the MOKONA MODOKI unit and we'll ship you back the KUROGANE unit (and your swallowed-up family members) - free of charge!! However, if you still wish to keep the MOKONA MODOKI unit, we'll send some one over to sort out your family.
Q: My KUROGANE unit is always complaining about how bored he is! He's already killed off all the people I want dead, and already won all my fights...and there's absolutely no one to fight with anymore! What should I do to him?
A: You probably don't know this, but your KUROGANE unit is quite a big fan of magazines. Just buy him a stack of magazines, and he'll get off of our back in no time!!
Q: My Kurogane unit just won't kill anyone!! And there's this guy that I really want dead! What's wrong?
A: Well, obviously your KUROGANE unit isn't the cold-blooded killer you thought he was. Another reason could be because he's afraid to lose his strength when he kills someone, since that's what the spell that the PRINCESS TOMOYO put on him does. We suggest you seek the help of another professional assassin.
Problem: Your KUROGANE unit has become so weak, even your granny could beat him up.
Solution: Looks like the effects of the spell the PRINCESS TOMOYO unit has put on your KUROGANE unit has reached its worst. Its a spell which decreases the strength of your unit every time he kills someone. So, ask yourself this question: JUST HOW MANY POOR SOULS DID YOU GET HIM TO KILL, YOU BLOODY BASTARD?
Problem: Your KUROGANE unit doesn't know how to distinguish an apple, or any other fruit at that.
Solution: Don't worry about that; it certainly doesn't mean that your unit is losing his mind. It's only that the fruits in the world of the KUROGANE unit's world look different than what they appear in your world. For example, in his world, a pear is shaped like an apple and is pale yellow in color.
Problem: You are not able to understand what your KUROGANE unit is saying.
Solution: In that case, we would suggest that you get yourself a translator, and the MOKONA MODOKI unit will be the perfect one for the job. Of course, we must warn you that the KUROGANE unit will probably leave the instant the MOKONA MODOKI unit arrives at your house.
Problem: Your KUROGANE unit has become really nice. In fact, he's doing all sorts of chores for you and he is guarding you with his life. He is very friendly and continues to smile all the time.
Solution: Well, it's not really a problem, but if you prefer your grumpy KUROGANE, then...it seems as if your unit is suffering from a programming glitch, usually caused after a lot of interaction happens between the FAI D. FLORITE unit and your unit, in which your unit's nerves cracks and his programs get scrambled up. It's extremely rare, but it also happens to be reversible. Engage your KUROGANE unit in a deadly battle and he'll be back to his old self in no time!
With proper care and maintenance, your KUROGANE unit will lead a full and (almost) happy life while living under your roof. His warranty is for many years yet to come. However, if, for some reason, you can't bear to have a certain grumpy ninja in your house, just tell him that you're going to buy a MOKONA MODOKI unit and he'll be off in no time!!
A/N: Well? What did you think? It was pretty funny, wasn't it? I do hope you enjoyed reading it, because I will be wanting reviews!! Oh, and Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!
- S. N. B.