|AYAME SOHMA : Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
Author: starry night blue PM
[ONESHOT] You've bought yourself an AYAME SOHMA unit, now read on to find out how to use it, lest a certain snake should slither up your clothes! A fic inspired by Theresa Green.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Ayame S. - Words: 2,149 - Reviews: 25 - Favs: 37 - Follows: 5 - Published: 12-27-06 - Status: Complete - id: 3310679
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
D/C: I don't own Fruits Basket, and I don't own the idea of this story either; it belongs to the wonderful authoress, Theresa Green.
Hello!! Me again! I just like the idea of this story a lot, don't I? Hehe. Well, anyway, now that I've done a Kyo Guide and Yuki Guide and Tohru Guide, I thought which better character than Ayame could make a funny guide? So, there you go! Enjoy!
AYAME SOHMA: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
Congratulations!! You are now the proud owner of a fully-automated AYAME SOHMA unit. To ensure that you get the full use and benefits of your Zodiac Snake, please pay close attention to the following instructions.
Name: Ayame Sohma. (a.k.a. Aya, Nii-san, Super Idiot)
Date of Manufacture: The year 1973.
Place of Manufacture: Japan.
Weight: Relatively light.
Your AYAME SOHMA unit comes with the following accessories:
One pair golden earrings.
One long white dress, along with long red coat.
One white kimono.
One long blue coat.
One white wedding gown.
One furry purple coat.
When your first open the box containing your AYAME SOHMA unit, you will notice that the box maybe empty, except for some clothes. However, you will definitely feel something slither up your clothes, and when you do, we would request you not to panic, as that thing is your AYAME SOHMA unit in his snake form; he'd have transformed because he was cold. Just warm him up a bit and he'll be back into his original form in no time!
Your AYAME SOHMA unit is a social figure, and blends into any group you put him in, although he would naturally prefer to be left alone with a cute girl, such as the TOHRU HONDA unit, for example. He will perform any job you give him as follows:
Tailor: Need a new outfit? You would be pleased to know that your AYAME SOHMA unit is fully capable of making you an outfit in a few hours! Although he usually specializes in outfits for stewardesses, maids and waitresses, he will be happy to make you the outfit of your own choice.
Cross-dresser: Your AYAME SOHMA unit is a Class-A Cross-dresser; not only wearing stylish fashions, but only managing to look the part of a girl perfectly. If, for any reason, you need a Cross-dresser, he will be delighted to take the part!
Store Manager: Being a manager of a store himself, the AYAME SOHMA unit is aware of the skills of tradesman ship. You can make him work in your store and rest assured that he'll do a good job; for he can be very convincing when it comes to buying and selling.
Chaperon: Is your kid having a party and you need someone to be a chaperon? The AYAME SOHMA unit is your man! He will make sure that your kid's party is fun and absolutely safe at the same time!! Of course, the AYAME SOHMA unit's definition of "fun" maybe very different from yours.
Story Teller: Are you bored and would like someone to tell you some interesting tales? Well, your AYAME SOHMA unit has a lot of stories to tell, and he'll keep you entertained the whole evening. Please note that the stories the AYAME SOHMA unit tells are not suitable for youngsters.
Your AYAME SOHMA unit comes with four different modes:
The Loud setting is used nearly all the time. Your AYAME SOHMA unit will be very noisy and annoying, and will not stop talking at all, no matter what you do to try and make him stop.
The AYAME SOHMA happens to be one of our most perverted units. Whenever he sees a pretty girl, he's most likely to flirt with her. Of course, the Perverted setting is also activated whenever the AYAME SOHMA unit and SHIGURE SOHMA unit. At these times, you'd best ignore whatever those two say.
Your AYAME SOHMA unit is also fully capable of acting really Stupid. The Stupid setting usually comes with the Loud setting when your AYAME SOHMA unit is speaking, because what he speaks is most likely to be utter stupidity.
The Nice setting is a very rare one. It is only activated when the AYAME SOHMA unit is talking sincerely about his brother to someone, for example a TOHRU HONDA unit. He also tends to be in the Nice setting whenever the HATORI SOHMA unit is around.
Relations with Other Units:
YUKI SOHMA: The younger brother of the AYAME SOHMA unit. You have to know that the YUKI SOHMA unit HATES the AYAME SOHMA unit for many reasons, but mainly because your AYAME SOHMA unit didn't care at all about him when they were kids. The AYAME SOHMA unit will try to fix the brotherly bonds between him and his brother, but his attempts are most likely to end up in a very battered AYAME SOHMA. Have a HATORI SOHMA unit nearby to patch him up. It'd be best if the AYAME SOHMA unit avoided the YUKI SOHMA unit at all times.
HATORI SOHMA: The AYAME SOHMA unit's babysitter, or so he's called, because he is the only one that the AYAME SOHMA unit will ever listen to. The HATORI SOHMA was friends with the AYAME SOHMA unit ever since they were kids, but it doesn't mean like he's anything like him. The AYAME SOHMA unit will always tend to go and cheer the HATORI SOHMA up whenever a certain KANA SOHMA unit goes and gets married. He will usually make him tea.
SHIGURE SOHMA: The third member of the MABUDACHI TRIO collection, and also a good friend of your AYAME SOHMA unit. Those two will act in a way that will make them appear like a couple whenever they meet, and these actions should be completely ignored because they're what those two refer to as "fun".
Other Unit Interactions:
TOHRU HONDA: The AYAME SOHMA unit will tend to talk openly to any TOHRU HONDA units around. He will also take her out to lunch. Be careful, though, the AYAME SOHMA unit also is most likely to slither up inside the TOHRU HONDA unit's clothes, and that's when he's probably going to get beaten up, skinned and barbecued by the YUKI SOHMA unit.
KYO SOHMA: The KYO SOHMA unit and the YUKI SOHMA unit, despite the fact that they hate each other, will probably team up against your AYAME SOHMA unit, considering that they hate him more. The AYAME SOHMA unit tends to call the KYO SOHMA unit "Kyokichi" whenever he sees him, which angers the KYO SOHMA unit.
MINE: The MINE unit happens to be the assistant of the AYAME SOHMA unit, and has a fanatic obsession of dressing people up. The AYAME SOHMA unit likes the MINE unit and she's the one he usually trusts with his feelings.
Your AYAME SOHMA unit is fully capable of cleaning himself, although he wouldn't say no if you offered to clean him yourself. Although, sometimes, he may be tossed into a lake by a YUKI SOHMA unit and he'd get a thorough wash then.
For your convenience, we have provided the following step-by-step process for cleaning:
1) Fill a tub full of water.
2) Remove attire and ask your AYAME SOHMA unit to step into the tub.
3) Wash hair with water.
4) Rub shampoo into hair.
5) Repeat step 3.
6) Rub conditioner into hair.
7) Repeat step 5.
8) Scrub body with a soapy washcloth.
9) Dump bucket of water over head of your AYAME SOHMA unit.
10) Leave your unit to soak in the tub for about an hour. (Please note that the AYAME SOHMA unit might ask you to step in with him, in which case we'd require you to say no, no matter how tempting the offer may seem).
When finished, rub the AYAME SOHMA unit dry with towel. Use a second towel for his hair. Do not tumble dry unit. Do not dry-clean unit. Do not machine-dry unit. Do not hang unit out on the line to dry. He will not appreciate it.
Please note that the AYAME SOHMA unit will also not appreciate it if you went and gave him a haircut, because he's been growing it ever since he was a kid. If it irritates you, why don't you braid it for him?
Your AYAME SOHMA unit will tend to order you to cook meals for him. You need not worry if you say no, because then the AYAME SOHMA unit will probably take you out to eat, and pay the bill himself. Please not that the AYAME SOHMA unit will tend to order your meals for you, too.
Frequently Asked Questions:
Q: For some reason, ever since I've got the AYAME SOHMA unit, I've been getting a splitting headache. What's the matter?
A: Has your AYAME SOHMA unit been in the Loud setting for a while? If so, then that's why you've been getting a headache. You have four options: Stock up on Aspirin tablets. Get earplugs. Glue your AYAME SOHMA unit's lips together. Ask the HATORI SOHMA unit to take the AYAME SOHMA unit off your hands for a while until your headache goes away. We would recommend the forth option as it's the cheapest and most convenient.
Q: When I opened the box that's supposed to have my AYAME SOHMA unit, I, instead, found a very handsome, quiet and polite boy with silvery black hair. I don't mind keeping him or anything, but who is he?
A: Looks like you've been sent a YUKI SOHMA unit by mistake. If you wish to keep him, then we only have to warn you that your house may be infested with mice. However, if you still wish to receive your AYAME SOHMA unit, please send us back the YUKI SOHMA unit and we'll ship you the AYAME SOHMA unit - free of charge!! However, we should warn you that you might get a house infested with snakes...and if you're a female or have any sister, you may want to provide proper security measures for yourself.
Q: I came home the other day and found my AYAME SOHMA unit covered in all sorts of bruises. What happened?
A: It looks like your AYAME SOHMA unit has been in a run-in with his brother, the YUKI SOHMA unit. Didn't we tell you to keep those two apart? As the AYAME SOHMA unit probably irritated the YUKI SOHMA unit and the latter had gone and beaten him up.
Problem: You've been waking up to find the AYAME SOHMA unit sleeping next to you.
Solution: Did you provide a bedroom for your AYAME SOHMA unit yet? Because your AYAME SOHMA unit will continue to sleep next to you until you give him a bed of his own.
Problem: Some of your customers are complaining that your AYAME SOHMA unit has been selling them dresses, and those customers are men.
Solution: Did we mention that the store your AYAME SOHMA manages is a cosplay store? He will tend to sell dresses for men only, although he prefers to use a more sophisticated term and will claim that he's selling "Romance". If it bothers you, why don't you open a store especially for him? I know that he'll like it.
Problem: You asked your AYAME SOHMA unit to make you some tea, but he absolutely refused.
Solution: You should know that your AYAME SOHMA unit will only make tea for the AKITO SOHMA unit and the HATORI SOHMA unit, and will only, on rare occasions, make tea for you, just when he feels like it.
With proper care and maintenance, the AYAME SOHMA unit will lead a full and happy life while living under your roof. His warranty is up to many years yet to come. If, for any reason, you can't stand to have a certain snake living in your house, just ask the HATORI SOHMA unit to come over and tell him to leave, and he'll be off in no time!!
A/N: Well? What did you think? I know it's not as long as the other two, but seeing as Ayame only showed up in three episodes, I really didn't have that much material to use in this story. Anyway, I still hope you liked it because I'll be wanting reviews, okie?
Oh, and have a nice holiday!!
- S. N. B.