Off in Clone Land

Chapter Eight

"We have to save the baby seal!"

Obi-Wan rubbed his eyes just to make sure he wasn't dreaming. His eyes widened as he saw the perfectly green grass and perfectly blue sky in front of him. It was as if he were stuck in a computer game.

Obi turned to a Hispanic midget by his side. According to the title above the lad, his name was Diego and this was his TV show Go Diego Go!. Obi-Wan wanted to chop himself in half with his lightsaber. "Where the Sith are we?" he asked as politely as he could.

Diego turned to him and cried, "What can we use to save the baby seal?"

Desmond hesitantly glanced over at the backpack on Diego's back. "Perhaps..." he began. Sam shot him a strange look. He was actually getting into this. "If we used your wee rucksack..."

"Shut up!" Laura cried. "Where are we?"

Diego looked up at her, "That's right. We'll use Rescuepack to help us swim across the stream and save the baby seal!"

Desmond nudged Sam quickly. "Told you," he grinned. Sam melted in his incredible cuteness.

Suddenly Hispanic music began to play as Rescuepack morphed into a boat. But Diego glanced down at the boat in despair. "Oh no," he said. "We're missing one of the oars." The camera zoomed out and Diego glanced around him. "What can we use instead of an oar?"

"Your brain, maybe?" Obi-Wan muttered.

"That's it!" Diego cried as everyone made a face. "We'll use this stick!" He picked up a giant stick and placed it beside the other oar. "Everybody in! Vayamos!"

Anakin looked over at his master. He wasn't sure what to think. With Obi-Wan being so cynical and hateful, it was hard for Ani to be nice to him, let alone talk to him.

Desmond was first to jump in the boat. Sam embarrassedly scratched her head at the fact that her new lover was getting so into this game, but apparently, he had a strategy. "The quicker we get through this," he whispered to her. "The quicker we get back to the real world. That's where Obi-Wan told me you lot were headed."

"And what makes you want to go back to the real world?"

"My Pen-- uh..." he realised that Sam would be pretty much offended if he told her the real answer. "My pen. My favourite blue pen that I always use... I er... I left it at my house before I embarked on the journey around the world. Just a wee biro. That's all."

Sam didn't believe him.

"Wow!" Diego said as the boat pulled up to the baby seal. "A baby seal! I sure hope there's enough room for him in the boat."

Obi-Wan was just about to shove Diego out of the boat to make room for the blasted seal, when everything around him turned to a staticy fuzz. "What the--"

---

Next thing he knew, Obi-Wan was sitting in a salon chair and a flamboyant man behind him was playing with his hair. Obi-Wan was frozen in fear and horror. "Where are we?" he said to the rest of the crew who was scattered amongst the beauty salon.

Before the rest of them could speak, the man behind Obi-Wan waved his fluttery, pink sleeves in the air. "Now for you, sir," he said. "I'm thinking we shave off some of that hair and give you a mohawk. There's an inner rocker in you, I'm sure."

"What kind of show is this?" Obi-Wan screamed as he manoeuvred out of the man's way. He was trying not to get hit by his scissors. "Please help me!"

---

Obi-Wan felt light-headed as they arrived in the next place. He wasn't sure what it was, but it looked like a giant shoe store. All of the sudden, Obi was being shoved out of the way by a manly girl named Kelly. "Shoes," she said. "Let's get some shoes."

Desmond was suddenly dragged into the picture by so called Kelly. "These shoes rule," she handed Des a pair of pumps. "These shoes suck. These shoes rule. These shoes suck."

Flustered and shocked, Desmond awkwardly held the pink pumps. "I uh... I don't want these..." he said as the techno music began blaring all around him. He wanted to cover his ears, but he couldn't because he was holding those ridiculous pumps. Now his face was turning red in embarrassment.

"Oh my God, shoes," Kelly said as she walked over towards Laura.

Laura whispered, "I think she has too many shoes."

"Shut up!" Kelly squealed.

"I think you have too many shoes," Anakin muttered.

"Shut up!"

Then Kelly held some shoes up to Shelby and Shelby stood their for a minute, horrified. "Yeah..." Shelby began. She watched as poor Desmond tried to place the pumps back by the window but got slapped by one of Kelly's friends. Shelby continued, "These shoes are too small. They're not going to fit because your feet are so... big."

"Oh yeah, betch?" Kelly said as she tilted her head. "We'll there's something I forgot to tell you--"

---

"Today, we celebrate diversity in the work place," a nasally voice said. Obi-Wan shook his head violently in an attempt to get the disgusting voice out of his head. He opened his eyes and he was in a large office space. Fellow employees were seated around him, listening to the nasally voice man speak. By the looks on their faces, Obi could tell that he was their boss. "You there," the boss pointed at Anakin. "That outfit you're wearing sure is... foreign. Where do you come from?"

"Well uh..." Ani hesitated. He wasn't exactly sure what to say. Things were coming at him all too fast. "Coruscant."

"Cor-us-what?" the boss asked.

"Coruscant," Anakin repeated nervously.

"Okay, never mind," the boss tilted his head to the side and it cracked. "You," he looked over at Desmond. "Where are you from?"

"Shoes," Desmond spat out accidentally. "I mean... Scotland." Sam let out a deep sigh. Des glanced over at her nervously.

"Now here's what I'm talking about," the boss nodded.

Obi-Wan heard the man next to him, who's nametag read "Dwight", say, "I don't think this is one of Michael's brightest ideas..." So the boss's name was Michael.

Michael continued, "Now, Scottie McScottie Scot Scot Scot. Would you like to do a bit of a role-play with me?"

"My name is... it's Desmond..." Desmond muttered as he stood. He made his way through the row of chairs to stand beside Michael. Obi-Wan watched with interest.

"Alright, Scottie," Michael said as Desmond stood beside him. "Now let's say... we're in an office. What would you do if I went up to you and asked, 'Hey, Scottie. Got any whiskey on you?'"

"Yeah," Desmond was just about to reach into his pocket to get one of those mini-bottles from the airplane when Michael stopped him.

"No," Michael said firmly. "Just go along with it." He got back into role-play mode as Desmond stood there in shock. "So Scottie," he said. "'After we drink some whiskey you want to go to a pub in our man skirts and play cricket?'"

"They're kilts!" Sam cried. "Not skirts!" She looked like she was ready to punch Michael out, but the boss just ignored her.

"How do you feel?" he asked Desmond. "Do you feel harassed? Hurt?"

Des contemplated for a moment.

"What are you thinking in that wee brain of yours, Scottie?" Michael asked in a horribly fake, Irish accent.

"I'm thinking how you're going to play cricket in a pub. It wouldn't really work out--"

"Shh," Michael said. "Now all I'm trying to say, is that when you notice somebody's funny accent, or funny clothes or funny anything in a workplace, don't assume. I mean, after all, this guy might not even be Scottish at all, right?"

"But I am Scottish. That's why you called me up--"

"No," Michael pointed out. "All I'm trying to say is just because this guy looks Scottish--"

"I don't look Scottish," Desmond frowned. "I was born in Peru."

Michael's voice got even louder this time. "Just because this guy looks Scottish, doesn't mean he is, right? And just because he's Scottish doesn't mean he wears skirts, or goes to pubs or anything, right? So all I'm saying is don't assume. Because all you'll do is make an--"

---

Obi-Wan rubbed his head in exhaustion. He was too horrified to open his eyes, but finally convinced himself to. As he looked around him he saw a garden. A nice house. And he was sitting in a driveway with a motorbike parked next to him. "Where am I?" Obi-Wan wondered out loud.

He stood up and the rest of the crew followed him. They slowly wandered up to the front door of the house. Sam was furiously sniffing the air. "I knew it!" she cried suddenly. "It smells like... it is like... we're in Scotland!" She did a little dance and raced to the door, excited to see the Scottish resident they were going to meet. Knock, knock.

The door creaked open and a beautiful face peeked it's way through. "Oh my God..." Ewan said. "Oh my God..."

"Shoes," Anakin finished for him.

---

Oh my God, shoes! This is my favourite chapter so far. You might be thinking 'what? Got Scots updated twice in the past two days? What has gotten into her?' Well, my friend Collin came over and we were talking about bad TV shows and then about shoes and we just came up with this idea. He helped me write it and it was his idea to have Go Diego Go! and to have Obi-Wan say, "Your brain, maybe?" That was one of my favourite lines.

So I hope you guys like this chapter as much as I do. And I hope you were laughing ridicously (sp?) at your computer while you read it. It's always fun to laugh at inanimate objects!

-Got Shoes?