|RON WEASLEY : Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
Author: starry night blue PM
[ONESHOT] You've bought yourself a RON WEASLEY unit, now read on to find out how to use it. Done with the full permission of authoress, Theresa Green.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Ron W. - Words: 4,771 - Reviews: 21 - Favs: 23 - Follows: 2 - Published: 12-30-06 - Status: Complete - id: 3316060
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
D/C: I don't own Harry Potter; it's the property of the wonderful authoress, JK Rowling. I don't own the idea of this story, either; it belongs to another wonderful authoress, Theresa Green.
Hello! I've already done many Owner's Guides for some anime series, and I thought it would be great if I did one for Harry, but then I found out that some one had already written that, so I'm going to be doing a Ron one. Ah, well, anyway, I'll stop talking now so you could take a look at your Owner's Guide. Enjoy!
RON WEASLEY : The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
Congratulations!! You are now the proud owner of the fully-automated RON WEASLEY unit. To ensure that you get the full use and benefits of your wizard, please pay close attention to the following instructions.
Name: Ron Bilius Weasley (a.k.a. Ronnie, Ronald, Ickle Ronniekins, the Weasel)
Date of Manufacture: The 1st of March, 1980.
Place of Manufacture: The United Kingdom, Ottery St Catchpole, The Burrow.
Age: Comes in six different ages; eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen and sixteen.
Height: Relatively tall.
Weight: Lighter than he looks.
Length: Rather short.
Your RON WEASELY unit will come with the following accessories:
A shiny, Gryffindor, Prefect badge. (Included with the units who are fifteen and sixteen of age.)
A frilly set of dress-robes.
A new set of unworn dress-robes. (Included with the units who are fifteen and sixteen of age.)
A set of black school robes.
A pointy, black top hat.
A set of school books. (Books differ from one age to the other.)
A magical wand. (The wands of the units who are eleven and twelve have a used wand.)
A maroon, woolen jumper.
A set of an inch-too-short pajamas.
A tiny owl called PIGWIDGEON. (Included with the units who are fourteen of age and above.)
A fat gray rat called SCABBERS. (Included with the units who are eleven, twelve and thirteen of age.)
A rusty old cauldron.
A Cleansweep broomstick. (Included with the units who are fifteen and sixteen of age.)
A Gryffindor Quidditch uniform. (Included with the units who are fifteen and sixteen of age.)
A thick golden chain with the word, "My Sweetheart" attached to it. (Included with the units who are sixteen of age.)
A set of comics featuring The Adventures of Martin Miggs, the Mad Muggle.
Unpacking your Unit:
When you first open the box containing your RON WEASELY unit, you will notice that he may look a bit gangly and awkward. The gangly part will not change, but he will quickly get over his awkwardness after being engaged into a conversation with you.
When you unpack your unit, please handle him with care, because he tends to be annoyed if you abuse him in any manner.
Your RON WEASELY unit is a fun-loving character, but will work hard where efficiency is needed. He will function as follows:
A Last-Resort Ball Date: (Function included with the units who are fourteen of age and above.) Going to a ball and you can't seem to find yourself a date? Your RON WEASLEY unit will happily escort you to any ball or prom. However, be warned that your RON WEASLEY unit might tend to ignore you throughout the party, especially if he sees a HERMIONE GRANGER dancing with a VIKTOR KRUM unit. Keep an extra date ready at hand.
A Spell Caster: Your RON WEASLEY unit is a fully accomplished wizard. Although he may tend to screw up in most of the difficult spells, he will still be able to perform various spells for you, whether it's a Levitation charm, a Transfiguration spell, etc. Please keep an undamaged wand with your RON WEASLEY unit to avoid any causalities, such as the smell of rotten eggs.
A Potion Brewer: Although not a good one, the RON WEASLEY unit is fully capable of brewing potions, provided that a certain HERMIONE GRANGER is giving him instructions, or he's copying shortcuts from a Potions' book belonging to the Half-Blood Prince. Test out the potions prepared by your RON WEASLEY unit on a plant, just to be on the safe side.
A Goal Keeper: (Function included with the units who are fifteen and sixteen of age.) Do you have a soccer match/Quidditch match, and your Keeper is sick/injured/late? The RON WEASELY unit is the perfect man for the job. Although he may tend to become extremely nervous during a game, with proper encouragement, your unit will definitely keep most of the balls away from your goal.
A Silverware Polisher: Do you have some silverware that needs polishing? Your RON WEASLEY unit will (unwillingly) polish any silverware you provide him with, with or without magic. You can be sure that your silverware will be extremely sparkly, unless, of course, your RON WEASLEY unit accidentally throws up some slugs on it.
A Chess Tournament Competitor: Need someone to win the grand prize of the Chess Tournament for you? You're in luck; the RON WEASLEY unit happens to be one of the greatest chess players in the whole of Hogwarts. Get your RON WEASLEY unit to compete for you and you'll be sure to have the tournament (and the prize money) in the bag. Of course, the possibility of the RON WEASLEY unit taking the money to himself will be still standing.
A Troll Wrestler: Do you have a foul-smelling troll in your house that's wrecking the place and needs to be sorted out? The RON WEASLEY unit is the man for you. Using a spell to attack the troll with his own wooden club, and will knock him out within seconds. No need to fear, RON WEASLEY, the Troll Wrestler is here!
A Pet-Sitter: (Function included with units who are thirteen of age and above.) Your RON WEASLEY unit has taken rough courses under the hands of the HAGRID unit at the Care of Magical Creatures class, and no animal is a challenge for him. He's taken care of Hippogriffs, Dragons, Blast-Ended Skrewts, Unicorns, Salamanders, Nifflers and even Flobberworms!! You can leave your pets with him and rest assured that they're in good hands!
A Fortune-Teller: (Function included with units who are thirteen of age and above.) Your RON WEASLEY unit has taken classes with a true Seer, the PROFESSOR TRELAWNEY unit. Whether it's reading your fortune from tea cups or studying the lines on the palm of your hand or looking into crystal balls, your RON WEASLEY unit can do it all. Please note that you mustn't believe anything the RON WEASLEY unit tells you because it's probably been made up.
Teleporter: (Function included with units who are sixteen years old only.) The RON WEASLEY unit will have managed to Apparate and Disapparate by the age of sixteen, and will teleport you from one place to another in the blink of an eye. Of course, you have to be aware of the possibility of losing an eyebrow or something else because the RON WEASLEY unit still hadn't perfected his technique.
Your RON WEASELY unit will come with seven different settings:
The Sarcastic mode is most likely to be activate whenever your RON WEASLEY wants to make fun of anyone he doesn't like, or when he's studying Divination, or when the HERMIONE GRANGER unit gets too obsessed with her studies. Of course, your RON WEASLEY unit might throw out very stabbing comments without even realizing it, in which case you should just excuse him.
The Angry setting is activated whenever some one makes fun of your RON WEASLEY unit or irritates him in anyway, such as making fun of his family, or teasing him about how poor he is and about his red hair, or getting at any of his friends. The unit most likely to do these things is the DRACO MALFOY unit...and sometimes the PROFESSOR SNAPE unit. Try to avoid dragging your unit into the Angry mode because that will only result in him ending up in a week-worth of detentions.
The Nervous setting is most likely activated before the start of any Quidditch game in which he stars as Keeper. Symptoms: Your RON WEASLEY unit will turn a sickly shade of green and is most likely going to lose every single pass aimed at him. It could also be activated at the prospect of exams, and it will be mixed with the Scared setting, too. Please note that the Scared setting is also activated whenever your unit gets attacked by a DEATH EATER unit (or anyone else, at that), or when he is facing a spider.
The Sulky setting is activated whenever the RON WEASLEY unit gets into a row with a HERMIONE GRANGER unit, or when he screws up badly in a class, or when he gets out shadowed by the HARRY POTTER unit. After all, he's your typical teenager.
The Serious setting is activated whenever your RON WEASLEY unit faces a life-threatening situation, or when a friend gets into trouble, or when someone gets hurt. Your RON WEASLEY unit is most likely to do the bravest of things in this setting, and you can be sure that he will be of definite help to you.
Relations with Other Units:
HARRY POTTER: The HARRY POTTER unit happens to be best friends with the RON WEASLEY unit. He is prepared to do anything to help his friend, and will share almost everything with him, say, a Chocolate Frog, for example. He is also a famous individual who will bring fame (and a bit of trouble) to your RON WEASLEY unit. The HARRY POTTER unit might have sudden outburst with your unit, but you have to remain certain that this unit's intentions are always best at heart. Try to avoid this unit when he's having secret conversations with the SIRIUS BLACK unit, because then he'll be likely to throw anything at your RON WEASLEY unit.
HERMIONE GRANGER: The brilliant witch whom your RON WEASLEY unit undoubtedly fancies. Being the smartest witch in her year, the HERMIONE GRANGER unit will tend to help your RON WEASLEY unit with all his spells and home works. Of course, she will he more than happy to dish out criticism whenever your unit starts lacking behind in his studies. Controversy between them will definitely occur whenever the HARRY POTTER unit decides to do something stupid, where your unit will agree with it and the HERMIONE GRANGER unit won't. Also, be ready for screaming matches after interactions with a VIKTOR KRUM unit.
DRACO MALFOY: The DRACO MALFOY is probably the one your RON WEASLEY unit hates the most. The DRACO MALFOY unit will tend to mock and ridicule your RON WEASLEY unit and his family whenever he sets eyes on him, and this will provoke your RON WEASLEY unit and would activate the Angry setting, and he's most likely to throw any curse that comes to mind at him, which should be okay if he has a properly-functioning wand. The DRACO MALFOY unit is a favorite of the head of Slytherin, the PROFESSOR SNAPE unit and will probably get away with anything as long as he's around. Try to avoid at all times for your unit's liking.
THE WEASLEY FAMILY: THE WEASLEY FAMILY collection includes an ARTHUR WEASLEY unit, a MOLLY WEASLEY unit, a BILL WEASLEY unit, a CHARLIE WEASLEY unit, a PERCY WEASLEY unit, a FRED WEASLEY unit, a GEORGE WEASLEY unit and a GINNY WEASLEY unit. Your RON WEASLEY unit will get along fine with almost all these units, except probably the PERCY WEASLEY unit...and sometimes, the MOLLY WEASLEY unit. The ARTHUR WEASLEY unit is the most lenient one, and the FRED WEASLEY unit and GEORGE WEASLEY units will continue picking on your unit, and the GINNY WEASLEY unit will become less nice after she gets over the age of fourteen. You don't have to worry about the BILL WEASLEY unit and the CHARLIE WEASLEY unit because there will be very few interactions with them.
HAGRID: The HAGRID unit is the Keeper of the Hogwarts keys, who is also good friends with your RON WEASLEY unit. He is a half-giant and has a large bulldog called FANGS. He has a liking to all animals no matter how fierce or evil they are, such as Dragons and Hippogriffs...which always tends to get the RON WEASLEY unit and other units in trouble. He is always offering sweets to your unit, suck a Rock Cakes. It would be better to avoid those since they'd probably cause the damage of your unit's teeth.
PETER PETTIGREW (alias) SCABBERS: Formerly the rat called SCABBERS which belonged to your unit, the PETER PETTIGREW unit is an extremely wicked, untrustworthy creature who will stab your RON WEASLEY unit in the back when he sees the chance possible. It's best to avoid this unit at all times because he will tend to cause some damage to your unit. Don't pretend that we didn't warn you.
PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE: The PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE unit is the principal of the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. He also happens to be the founder of the ORDER OF THE PHOENIX collector edition. Even though your unit has few interactions with the PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE unit, he tends to respect him greatly, and will not doubt, almost, anything this unit will tell him. The PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE unit will award your unit a large number of points whenever he does something heroic.
Other Unit Interactions:
SIRIUS BLACK: On first encounter, the SIRIUS BLACK unit will tend to use your RON WEASLEY unit as bait to attract his godson, the HARRY POTTER unit, and will possibly break his ankle if your unit puts up any resistance. However, your unit will soon find out that the SIRIUS BLACK unit is on the good side, and is only trying to expose the PETER PETTIGREW unit. The SIRIUS BLACK unit is also the one who gave the PIGWIDGEON unit to your RON WEASLEY unit. He's also an Animagus, and can turn into a great big dog.
PROFESSOR SNAPE: The Potions' Master in the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. He is loathed by everybody except probably the Slytherins. He will always pick on your RON WEASLEY unit, trying to provoke him so that he can lose him some points. Furthermore, whenever an argument occurs between your unit and the DRACO MALFOY unit, the PROFESSOR SNAPE unit will usually just side with the latter, dock points of your unit and will send him to detention. Try to avoid at all costs.
PROFESSOR MCGONAGAL: The PROFESSOR MCGONAGAL unit is the professor who teaches the Transfiguration class at Hogwarts. She is also the head of Gryffindor, to which your unit belongs. Still, that doesn't mean that this unit will be lenient with the RON WEASLEY unit, and will dock him points and send him to detention where she sees appropriate. Don't hate her; she's one of the good guys...erm, gals.
PROFESSOR SLUGHORN: (Interactions occur at age of sixteen only.) The PROFESSOR SLUGHORN unit will become the Potions' Master in the sixth year of Hogwarts. He is a good person, even though he is a coward. However, if the PROFESSOR SLUGHORN unit offers liquor to your RON WEASLEY unit, you should turn it down immediately, because it's most likely going to be containing poison.
PROFESSOR LOCKHART: A phony guy who applies for the job of the Defense Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts. The RON WEASLEY unit respects the PROFESSOR LOCKHART unit the least, and will probably be the cause of him losing his memory, which should be absolutely fine.
VIKTOR KRUM: The VIKTOR KRUM is an international Quidditch player coming from Bulgaria, but that's not the only reason your RON WEASLEY unit is irritated by him. The VIKTOR KRUM unit is attracted to the HERMIONE GRANGER unit and vice-versa. Since your unit also likes the HERMIONE GRANGER unit, he will become annoyed whenever he sees the two of them together or when the HERMIONE GRANGER simply brings up the name of the VIKTOR KRUM unit.
LAVENDER BROWN: (Interactions mostly occur at age of sixteen only.) Your RON WEASLEY unit will tend to hook up with the LAVENDER BROWN unit at the age of sixteen, and when he does, you have to be prepared for continuous make-out sessions all day long, and for the fact that you won't be able to have a conversation with your unit without her tagging along. You don't have to bear with this for a long while, for your RON WEASLEY unit will soon grow tired of the LAVENDER BROWN unit.
FLEUR DELACOUR: A beautiful young woman who is part-Veela. She also happens to be the BILL WEASLEY unit's fiancé. Whenever your unit comes across the FLEUR DELACOUR unit, his face is most likely going to become slack and he will probably say anything to impress her, which will undoubtedly irritate the HERMIONE GRANGER unit.
Your RON WEASLEY unit is fully capable of washing himself and is aware of how to use the marvels of the modern day plumbing. At the age of fifteen, you will find that your RON WEASLEY unit has stopped using your bathroom and has started using the Prefects' bathroom. Take a look at it and you'll know why he's doing this.
The RON WEASLEY unit is also capable of drying himself properly, once you provide him with clean towels. However, there should be any programming failure, you'll be required to rub the RON WEASLEY unit dry with a towel. Do not dry-clean unit. Do not tumble dry unit. Do not machine-dry unit. Do not hang unit on clothes line to dry; he will not appreciate it.
The RON WEASLEY unit will require three meals a day, which you absolutely don't have to worry about because the house-elves will be more than happy to provide delicious meals for your unit. However, the RON WEASLEY unit is known for his love of food, and will tend to snack a lot, mostly on wizarding sweets such as Cauldron Cakes, Chocolate Frogs and Bertie Blotts' Every Flavor Beans, etc.
Frequently Asked Questions:
Q: I have a soccer game which is going to start in a few minutes, and my RON WEASLEY unit has turned a sickly shade of green!! What the hell should I do?
A: Your RON WEASLEY unit is obviously nervous. Is there some one singing a nasty version of "Weasley is our King" nearby? If so, ask them to stop. If that doesn't work, ask the HARRY POTTER unit to pretend that he's put some of his own Luck Potion into your RON WEASLEY's pumpkin juice, and that will get him going in no time. If nothing works, ask the crowds to kindly look away whenever some one makes a pass at the goal.
Q: Erm...yeah. When I opened the box which "supposedly" had my RON WEASLEY unit, I found a weird looking girl with dirty blond hair, prominent eyes...and wears a string of corks for a necklace and radishes for earrings. What gives?
A: Oops. Looks like you've received a LOONY...sorry, LUNA LOVEGOOD unit instead of the RON WEASLEY unit. She must've probably strayed into one of the RON WEASLEY boxes by mistake or something. If you still want to receive the RON WEASLEY unit, send us back the LUNA LOVEGOOD unit and we'll ship you the RON WEASLEY unit - free of charge!! However, if you still wish to keep the LUNA LOVEGOOD unit...then, all I have to say is; you're weird.
Q: I'm continuously being told that my RON WEASLEY unit is suffering from spattergroit. What the hell is spattergroit? And is my unit really suffering from it?
A: Who's been telling you these things? Is it a Healer in one of St Mungo's Hospital's for Magical Maladies and Injuries' portraits? If so, then don't listen to him; he's a medieval wizard and things have become much different since he died. Spattergroit is an affliction of the skin that leaves one pockmarked, and your RON WEASLEY unit is not suffering from spattergroit; he just simply has freckles.
Q: I found my RON WEASLEY unit covered in all sorts of scratches, and he's been edgy ever since he got them, and he isn't talking to the HERMIONE GRANGER unit at all!! What's going on here?
A: Uh-oh. Looks like your RON WEASLEY unit has been in a run-in with a very jealous HERMIONE GRANGER unit, who undoubtedly caught him kissing a LAVENDER BROWN unit and decided to take her jealousy out on him by attacking him with a group of birds she had summoned. Ask the MADAM POMFREY unit to patch him up and he'll be okay in no time!
Q: My RON WEASLEY unit keeps receiving those weird red envelopes which start screaming bloody murder whenever you open them!! What the hell?
A: Has your RON WEASLEY unit been misbehaving lately? If so, he will continue to receive these envelopes, which are from the MOLLY WEASLEY unit, until he starts to behave. As for you! Just get a leash on your unit or something, will you? Sheesh!
Q: Well...my RON WEASLEY unit has been giggling incoherently and spouting absolute nonsense, and I know for a fact that he's not drunk because I'm a doctor and did an alcohol test on him which proved negative. What's wrong with him? Is it a programming glitch?
A: No, this is not a programming glitch. Your RON WEASLEY unit seems to have been engaged in combat with a DEATH EATER, and got hit by a spell which caused him to act the way he's acting. Be sure not to let your unit out of your sight, because when he's in such a condition, he may tend to play with anything...say, possibly, brains which wrap their tentacles around one. To avoid having scars on your unit as well as his seemingly-drunk posture, take him at once to St Mungo's Hospital, or the MADAM POMFREY unit, so that they could patch him up.
Q: My RON WEASLEY unit is missing!!! He's been called in by the PROFESSOR MCGONAGAL unit last night and hasn't returned since! I can't seem to find him anywhere!! Where is he?
A: Cool it. Just have a DOBBY THE HOUSE-ELF unit go and wake up the HARRY POTTER unit and give him a ball of gillyweed, and then have him go to the lake, where your RON WEASLEY unit is being held hostage by a group of mermaids. Mind you, these are no the pretty type of mermaids. From there, leave the matter in the hands of the HARRY POTTER unit, for he will, without fail, rescue your unit.
Problem: You lent your car to your RON WEASLEY unit and he got it wrecked...somehow.
Solution: Your RON WEASLEY unit probably got your car tangled up in the branches of a certain Whomping Willow, and that's what got your car so destroyed. You will notice that your unit's wand has also been broken, in which case you can buy him a new one or wait until next year when THE WEASLEY FAMILY collection wins a draw and buys him a new one. As for your unit's driving skills...send him to a driving school to ensure that your next car won't be so damaged.
Problem: Your RON WEASLEY unit has been found with a hole in his tongue.
Solution: It seems that the FRED WEASLEY unit had given your RON WEASLEY unit an Acid Pop, which directly burns a whole through the tongue. Take your unit to the MADAM POMFREY unit or the St Mungo's hospital (whichever's nearer) and get the MOLLY WEASLEY unit to deal with the FRED WEASLEY unit.
Problem: Your RON WEASLEY unit has been found puking constantly, and he's suffering from a lot of nosebleeds, and is complaining that he's not able to sit properly on his butt because of the boils which were growing there.
Solution: Looks like your RONE WEASLEY unit has been turned into a lab-rat by the FRED WEASLEY unit and the GEORGE WEASLEY unit, and the puking, nosebleeds and boils are a result of the currently-being-tested Skiving Snackboxes. Get the MADAM POMFREY unit to treat your unit, and ask the MOLLY WEASLEY unit, or an ARGUS FLICH unit, to confiscate the Skiving Snackboxes from the two other units.
Problem: After years of faithful friendship, your RON WEASLEY unit hasn't been talking to you, and keeps avoiding you all the time.
Solution: Did you happen to sign up for a tournament that your unit has been longing to enter, and got accepted in it, and did the whole thing without even telling him? Yes? Well, there you go. The RON WEASLEY unit prefers an honest relationship with his friends, and will extremely resent it if you do something behind his back. Try getting yourself engaged in a deathly match with a Dragon, and your RON WEASLEY unit will return to being your friend in no time!
Problem: Your RON WEASLEY unit has been throwing up slugs for some reason.
Solution: Has there been a recent run-in with a certain DRACO MALFOY unit while your RON WEASLEY unit happened to possess a malfunctioning wand? There's your answer. The DRACO MALFOY unit has probably insulted a nearby HERMIONE GRANGER unit, which caused your RON WEASLEY unit to shift into the Angry setting, aim a curse at the offending unit, only to have the curse backfire. Unfortunately, the curse causes one to throw up slugs. It should be over in a few hours' time; nothing to worry about, really.
Problem: Your RON WEASLEY unit has a continuous fear of spiders, and no matter what you do, you can't seem to cure him from it.
Solution: The fear your RON WEASLEY unit has of spiders results from the time the FRED WEASLEY unit turned your unit's teddy bear into a giant big spider. This arachnophobia cannot be cured, so all you have to do is make sure that your RON WEASLEY unit stays away from any spiders, especially huge ones such as the ARAGOG unit.
Problem: Your RON WEASLEY unit has been disappearing for a couple of hours every once in a while, and when he reappears, he looks exceptionally pleased with himself for a reason, but he just won't tell you why.
Solution: Easy. Your RON WEASLEY unit has been going off for Defense Against the Dark Arts classes with the HARRY POTTER unit, and he's looking pleased with himself because he's managed to learn some new spells and counter-curses and such. He isn't telling you anything about it because the HERMIONE GRANGER unit has created a spell on the registry list where one gets a spatter of pimples on his face spelling out SNEAK if they say anything about it to anyone outside the class. Don't worry, he's not off having sex without your permission.
With proper care and maintenance, your RON WEASLEY unit will lead a full and happy life while living under your roof. His warranty is good for many years yet to come, taking into consideration that he might get killed by a DEATH EATER unit. However, if, for any reason you can't stand having a red-headed wizard living in your house, just tell that the HARRY POTTER unit is going off to fight the LORD VOLDEMORT unit, and he'll be off in no time!
A/N: Well? What did you think? It was pretty funny, wasn't it? I do hope you liked it, because I'll be wanting reviews! By the way, there's gonna be a lot more where this guide came from, so just wait, okay? Oh, and Happy New Year, everybody!!
- S. N. B.