A/N: this just came to me, I don’t know how and I don’t know why but it just spewed out of the keyboard and gave me a fit of the giggles so I thought I’d post it and share with y’all.

It will, eventually, be based on a romance novel that I once read and take pieces from a fantastic CSI fanfic that is on adultfanciction.

Anyways, there will be some totally wacked elements in this and it does rely a lot on the help of strangers because it’s something I’ve always wanted to write about. Some of the best things that have ever happened to me have happened because of chance encounters, accidents and the help of people I’ve never met before and have never seen since. So I just thought I’d give it a whirl.

I am going to try and keep them more in character than I usually do and Wilson will probably make more appearances than usual but logic will be slightly suspended at some points.

SO YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! NO COMPLAINTS HALFWAY DOWN THE LINE!

Oh yeah, I don’t own any of them just taken and shaken and put back a lot happier than they were before.

Chapter 1: Something Must Be Done

“Dr Wilson, mail for you.”

Wilson turned at the sound of Brenda’s voice and accepted the neat pile of envelopes that she handed over with a smile of thanks. He dropped his charts onto the desk and rifled through the envelopes to see if anything of interest jumped out at him. He frowned as he came upon an envelope bearing the insignia of his travel agent. He ripped it open and let the contents slop onto the desk, scanning through them with an interested tilt to his brow.

“Dr House!”

Wilson looked up as the strident tones of Dr Cuddy reached his ears. He then looked over to see House standing behind a supplies cart trying desperately to blend in with the cream wall and stabbing the elevator’s call button frantically with his cane.

House looked around desperately for anything that might suffice as a suitable distraction. Wilson quickly buried his nose in his mail and tried to look like anything but a distraction.

“Wilson, old buddy, old pal!” House shouted to him as he limped towards the desk.

Too late.

Wilson sighed and looked over the travel agent’s letterhead as House made a bee line for him. Cuddy simply heaved a fortifying sigh and changed course to intercept House at the nurse’s station. Wilson swallowed a groan as they both descended on him.

Why did he always end up in the middle of these little spats?

Wilson lent on the countertop and decided to just batten down the hatches and wait the storm out.

“Cover for me.” House stage whispered to his friend as he sidled up to the younger doctor.

Wilson whisked his fingers out of the way just in time as Cuddy slammed the folder she’d been toting down on the desk with enough force to make Wilson fear for the state of the furniture. She rounded on House and planted her hands on her hips as her eyes flashed in palpable anger. Rage rolled from her like electricity off an approaching storm front. Wilson felt a sudden sympathy for House.

Then again, if House didn’t like the way she yelled at him, he wouldn’t do half of the things that he did just to get on her nerves.

Wilson had had a dog like that when he was younger. It had loved to poke its eye onto his finger. It was a totally disgusting experience for Wilson or whoever else had been unfortunate enough to experience it but his mother had informed him that if the dog didn’t like it then he wouldn’t do it.

Yup, House was just as twisted as that scruffy lanky mongrel from the pound. Bore an uncanny resemblance as well, now that he thought on it.

“House, why did you feel the need to introduce yourself to Mr Carson? I just got off the phone to him telling me al about you charming if a little impromptu meeting last night.” Cuddy’s voice was low and dangerous and those that were close enough to recognise that tone backed away hurriedly. Cuddy squared off to the much larger House without so much as a flicker of her long lashes.

House tilted his head with a wolfish grin, clearly not above enjoying the way her chest heaved in her anger. “So you think he’s charming?”

Wilson resisted the strong urge to slap them both upside the head with his mail and settled for reading aforementioned correspondences instead. He scanned the rest of the letter and arched a brow as he took in the contents.

It was from his travel agents, giving him the final details about a holiday that he had bought a few months ago for Julie’s and his anniversary. He felt a sudden pang for the loss of his marriage and tapped the airline tickets against his palm as he considered what to do with them, to cancel this late would be doing him out of a considerable amount of money.

“What I really don’t understand is why you had to tell him that I had a habit of ‘putting out’ to donors who gave especially large sums of money to the hospital.” Cuddy hissed dangerously and Wilson worked harder at tuning them both out.

He flickered a glance at Cuddy and frowned at the state of her. She looked nearly incandescent with rage. She even shook slightly and her face had gone quite pale as she hissed at House through gritted teeth. She looked only a hair away from bludgeoning House to death with his own cane.

House didn’t look much better as he moved to within inches of her and drew himself to his full towering height, forcing her to crane her neck up to look at him in the eye.

Wilson’s frown deepened as he watched the insults fly back and forth between the two with gradually increasing ferocity. Seriously, all this repressed sexuality was making him quite ill. It was getting worse and not making his work environment a healthy one, he mused as he watched the fireworks dispassionately and shook his head subtly to a resident who looked like she was thinking about approaching Cuddy.

Best to give them both a wide berth when they were like this.

Wilson settled his chin on his hand and narrowed his eyes. Someone should really just drug the two of them and then lock them in the nearest steel-lined room until they…

Wilson went perfectly still as a small deliciously devious idea planted itself in the back of his mind. He ignored it a few moments more as it took root and germinated into a fully fledged sapling of Machiavellian planning that would have done even House proud.

A slow scheming smile kicked at Wilson’s lips as he watched his two friends still deep in the thrall of their argument.

“So what are you really annoyed about? The fact that I said you would put out or the fact that you were planning on doing it anyway and now you can’t at the risk of looking like a really expensive hooker?”

Wilson blinked at the acid in House’s voice at that last barb. That was really below the belt, no pun intended, and much more vicious than any of their usual banter. Wilson stood as Cuddy’s arm tightened, he stepped between them and looked down at Cuddy.

“At the risk of sounding professional; perhaps this, ahem, discussion is better suited to another time.” He moved subtly and forced Cuddy to take a step backwards, he could feel the tension level in the lobby drop as the fury faded from Cuddy’s eyes. “Can I speak to you in your office?” Wilson asked politely as he could muster.

Cuddy jerked her head once in assent and then spun away on one designer heel before stalking away with a swish of her hips. House looked over Wilson’s shoulder with a tilt of his head and a look of male appreciation in his eyes as he watched her go.

“Thanks.” He muttered to Wilson. He stepped back with a surprised frown falling onto his brow as Wilson turned to him with an uncharacteristic look of fury in his light brown eyes.

“I didn’t do it for you.” He snapped before he followed Cuddy with a snap of his lab coat.

House scowled. Fine, pick on him then.

He limped to the elevator as the nurses heaved a collective sigh of relief and went about their daily business.

Wilson threw open the door to Cuddy’s office in a way that he would admit was a teeny bit House-ish and stood with his hands on his hips as he regarded the rigid line of his boss’s spine.

“You mind telling me what the hell just happened?” He demanded, too pissed at the both of them to remind himself that this was his boss.

“You heard the entire conversation, you know what it was about.” Cuddy spoke without turning and if he wasn’t mistaken she was actually shaking with anger.

“No. This was different, you were going to hit him.” Wilson accused and that had her spinning to face him.

“I was not!” She defended herself hotly.

Wilson snorted. “Yeah right, I’ve been slapped by enough women to recognise the signs of when she’s about to do it. You wanted to take his head off.”

Cuddy threaded her arms across her chest and scowled but said no more to deny it. What was the point? He was right after all. She let her arms fall to her sides and then rolled her shoulders in a tight shrug. “I’m just…stressed.” She said eventually.

Wilson knew opportunity when he saw it and looked down at the mail he still held in his hand. “When was the last time you had a vacation?”

Cuddy blinked at the sudden shift in conversational gears and then opened her mouth to answer before she found that she couldn’t remember.

“Too long I’d say.” Wilson sat down on one of the chairs opposite her desk and refused to say more until she took her own seat. “When was the last time you actually remember being on holiday? Not just away from the hospital, but actually on vacation.” Wilson demanded.

Cuddy sat back in her chair and shivered through the adrenaline come down from her temper of a few moments ago. “Two…no three years ago I think.”

“How long for?” Wilson arched a disbelieving brow even as he fought to look innocent.

Cuddy shrugged. “A long weekend I think.” She shot him a wary look from the corner of one blue eye. “Why?”

Wilson pushed the leaflet for the Twelve Towers across her desk to her. “Because I bought these tickets for Julie and I when we were married and things being the way things are…do you want to go?”

Cuddy went very still and blinked at him rapidly. “You want me to go to…Scotland with you?”

Wilson shook his head vehemently without thought to tact. “No! I mean, you can have one of the spare tickets and take my holiday time, I’ll stay here and cover for you.”

Cuddy heaved an evident sigh of relief and smiled as she flipped open the hotel’s brochure with one manicured finger to scan the contents more closely. “I can’t, it’s very kind and it would be lovely but…there’s too much on at the moment and-”

Wilson sat forward and played his trump card. “Imagine how much more will be on if you get sued for slapping an employee.”

Cuddy clicked her jaw shut and narrowed her eyes at him. “I’d only slap House and he wouldn’t sue me.”

“Still, think of the hospital’s reputation…” Wilson pointed out, knowing that he was being horrifically manipulative but enough was enough. “People are nervous enough as it is without the threat of the dean of medicine decking them one.” Wilson said in a musing fashion and hid a smile when he saw that he had her undivided attention.

“People are nervous? About what?”

Wilson rolled his eyes. “You and House.”

Cuddy just stared at him. “What about…?” She shook her head not understanding, or not wanting to, as she searched for the appropriate words.

“Oh please, you two have been getting steadily worse for the last couple of months. You’re constantly at each other’s throats, and granted a lot of that’s to do with House being the way House is. But you’ve sought him out once or twice recently just for the sake of yelling at him. It’s driving everybody nuts.”

Cuddy sat back in her chair and mulled that over for a moment. “I didn’t realise.”

“Of course you didn’t, you’d have been consumed with guilt otherwise. The general consensus is that either you have been going at it like naughty little bunnies and have recently suffered a rough patch or that you need to go at it like naughty little bunnies…it’s a fairly equal divide at the moment.” Wilson said as nonchalantly as he dared.

Cuddy’s mouth actually dropped open. She pointed out the office door to the hospital proper. “They…there are bets on this?”

Wilson shrugged. “There are bets on tomorrow’s weather, some people just seem to have a lot more faith in you and House being…nasty to each other.” Wilson said as delicately as he could manage. He stood and pushed the ticket insistently towards her. “Take the damn holiday.” He ordered before he turned and left the office.

Cuddy watched him go and then looked down at the airline ticket in her hand. She tapped her full lips with her fingers and mulled it over some more.

There was no choice really.

Wilson headed to the elevators with a grin on his face and a spring in his step as he whistled jauntily to himself. He flashed a bright smile to one of the younger, prettier nurses before the doors swished shut.

He punched the button for diagnostics with one finger and resisted the urge to give an evil mastermind’s chuckle and rub his hands together gleefully.

Convincing House to take a two week holiday to the middle of nowhere where virtually no one from the modern world could contact him would be a piece of cake.

If there was one thing House loved, it was his solitude.

Wilson smiled to himself. What to do about two co-workers that were driving each other, and everyone they worked with, nuts?

Insert one bee in one bonnet, shake well, step back and observe.

Mwahahahahahahaha!