Disclaimer: I don't own Night at the Museum, and I'm not making any money from this.

AN: This was written as a GiftFic for an RL friend, but I thought I'd share it here too. Enjoy!

Barbarians Wear Trousers

By Evandar

Ow.

That was the first thing that crossed Jedadiah's mind when he came round. It was swiftly followed by the realisation that the remote controlled car he had been driving in was upside-down and that he was lying in a tangled heap on the roof of the car, limbs entwined with those of a decidedly unconscious Roman General. It was not one of Jedadiah's better nights.

That was when he realised that Octavius' skirt-thing had ridden up considerably and that he wasn't wearing all that much underneath. It took a little longer, far longer than it should have done, for him to notice that the car was a lot hotter than it should have been, and that the temperature had absolutely nothing to do with the amount of pale thigh that Octavius was displaying.

He shoved Octavius off him and made for the door, only to find that he couldn't push it open. Luckily though, Octavius had woken up when he had landed heavily on the roof.

"What?" he croaked out. Jedadiah gave him an impatient look.

"The car's on fire," he explained, still kicking at the door. "We need to get out before we melt!"

"Crawl through the window then, moron," Octavius told him, rolling his eyes. "That's how we got in here, remember?"

"Oh…yeah," Jedadiah murmured. "Well, ladies first then."

Octavius gave him the kind of blank stare that only plastic models could manage to pull off convincingly, and crawled forward.

"I'm only letting that go because you're a barbarian and you clearly don't know any better, and because I want to get out of here," the Roman muttered as he crawled out of the window and onto the snow outside. Jedadiah followed him quickly, all the while trying to convince himself that the only reason he was staring at Octavius' surprisingly shapely behind was because he was heading in that direction, and that he was not in the slightest bit attracted to the other man. He doubted that the manufacturers who had made them had put enough detail into their figurines for him to really enjoy that attraction anyway.

He shook his head violently and stood up in time to watch Octavius straighten his skirt and armour. It probably would have had a better effect if he hadn't been covered in soot.

"Come on," he said. "We need to get back to the museum."

They walked together in silence for a while, leaving trails of tiny footprints in the dangerously (for them, anyway) deep snow. Then, when the gate to the park was in sight, something that Octavius had said earlier stopped Jedadiah in his tracks.

"Hey," he said. Octavius stopped too and turned to look at him.

"Can we keep going?" he asked. "I don't want to turn to dust, you know. I have an Empire to build."

"Sure, it's just, you called me a barbarian earlier," Jedadiah said quietly.

Octavius raised an eyebrow. "That's what's bothering you?"

"Well, yeah! It hurt my feelings!" Jedadiah complained. "Why did you say it?"

"Well if you remember correctly, you called me a girl," Octavius pointed out.

"You are wearing a skirt," Jedadiah grumbled.

"It's a tunic," Octavius corrected coldly. "And besides, only barbarians wear trousers."

"I…what?" Jedadiah stopped dead again. He was staring at Octavius in sheer amazement. "Who on earth came up with that?"

Octavius shrugged. "It's a cultural thing. Now can we please keep going?"

They were at the gate to the park, with only the road to cross and the stairs to climb before dawn when Jedadiah spoke again.

"They're chaps, anyway."

From the corner of his eye he saw Octavius' lips twitch into a small smile. Jedadiah had never really noticed it before, but Octavius had a very pleasant smile, and he looked…

Jedadiah shook those thoughts from his head again, briefly wondering just how many times he would have to do that in one night. It was getting slightly irritating. He jumped off the edge of the curb and landed heavily in the snow. He dragged himself out of it, and looked back at Octavius, who was still standing on the pavement. He held his hand out in a silent offer to help Octavius down. The General jumped and Jedadiah caught him, remaining upright only because of how deep he had sunk into the snow.

Their faces were very close like that, and Jedadiah realised that Octavius was blushing slightly. He leaned forward then and pressed their lips together. Octavius tasted of soot from the car and the plastic he was made from, and he relaxed in Jedadiah's arms, letting his arms slide around Jedadiah's neck. They broke apart after a moment, and Octavius wiggled in Jedadiah's grasp. "You can put me down now," he said.

"Your wish is my command…milady," Jedadiah teased as he set Octavius back down on his feet.

"Such a gentleman," Octavius replied sarcastically. "For a barbarian."

The silence between them this time was not as uncomfortable as it had been before, and Jedadiah felt like he might have a chance with the quirky, sarcastic and sometimes just downright weird Roman General whose existence had previously been a fifty-year-long plague. He reached out and grasped Octavius' hand, and felt a rush of gratification when Octavius interlaced their fingers.

"You're getting sappy, Jed," Octavius said in reprimand, but he was grinning broadly when he said it.

"Shut up," Jedadiah replied. "You're enjoying it."

"I never said that I wasn't," came the smooth reply. "Now help me get up this first step, and so help me, if you look up my tunic then I'll…"

"Yeah, I know," Jedadiah rolled his eyes and didn't bother mentioning that he'd already seen up the tunic and that he'd enjoyed the view. He did want to be helped up the stairs after all. The effort involved in getting up the stairs and keeping his mouth shut took it out of him, but when he leaned on Octavius' shoulder (despite the fact that Octavius was also leaning on him, meaning that they were sort of propping each other up) and grinned up at Larry, Larry's son and Theodore Roosevelt, it all seemed worth it.

JO

The following night, Larry handed them a new car. He didn't ask how they had managed to drive a remote controlled car from the inside, or where Jedadiah had learned to drive in the first place, but the sentiment behind the gift was there. It also meant that they could quickly abandon their men if they wanted any privacy, and indeed, they found that the monkey habitat in the Hall of African Mammals provided excellent cover.

And they also discovered that their manufacturers had put a surprising amount of details into making them, and just how useful those extra details could be.