|The Arda Times: An Editors Story
Author: The Battling Bard PM
A Gondorian newspaper editor regrets his employment of Middle-earth's biggest gossips. This is a satirical piece, and a comment on the lunacy of modern media.Rated: Fiction K - English - Humor/Parody - Legolas & Aragorn - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,346 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 4 - Follows: 1 - Updated: 11-19-07 - Published: 01-08-07 - Status: Complete - id: 3331275
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
THE FEANORIAN TODAY
Boldly Going Where No Paper Has Gone Before
Elu Thingol Sinks to New Low With Personal Attacks on Celegorm the Cruel
On Other Pages o Elu Thingols sweat revealed to be more poisonous than a Thangorodrim toad 18 o New picture reveals Melian is uglier than Thuringwethil 23 o Beleg eats orphans baked in a pie 31
As a precautionary measure, the following product is being recalled- Turin- as he is found to contain nuts. (Surely not? Ed)
ME AND MY SPOON
The Feanorian times interviews prolific celebs about their... spoons.
Bard: Do you have a favourite spoon?
Maglor: I never feel my spoons are any good. I'm plagued with self doubt about my collection. Are they really worth having? Or are people just being kind when they like my spoons. I don't know.
Bard: I gather your father was keen on spoons?
Maglor: I was always a bit in awe of my fathers spoons and I felt I could never live up to his example as a great spoon elf. He was my hero spoon-wise.
Bard: You're a great hero among the humans now. What are the spoons like among these people?
Maglor: It's been a bizarre experience for me. I never expected to be using human spoons and I keep thinking people are going to see through me and say, 'You're a fraud. Stick to your elven spoons buddy.' But everyone's been very kind and I'm committed to human spoons for the next century or so.
Bard: Has anything amusing ever happened to you in connection with a spoon?
Maglor: You should really ask my brother Maedhros that question. He would come up with a hilarious spoon anecdote because he is a genius and can do everything. Fight, craft, tell spoon stories. I'm just a singer. Er... do you mind if we leave it there, I'm feeling rather depressed now. Thank-you.
Bard : As one of the most distinguished humans of the First age, you have never before consented to give an interview. I am therefore very privileged that you have granted me this unprecedented opportunity to question you about spoons. May I first ask you, as someone who has lived among some of Arda's best known figures, such as Orodreth and Thingol, has the theme of spoons ever become a significant aspect in your life?
Bard: I take it from your silence that you are not prepared to discuss this point... Could I put it another way then? You are quite eager to travel abroad and fight the forces of Angband, whereas another mortal, say, Tuor, has no inhibition in staying at home, holding cups of tea with spoons in them. Did you consider this type of life too banal?
Bard: OK can I put it another way? Now that you are counted among the sons of the Valar and know your wife is actually your sister, are you still doing her?
I was going to ask you if anything amusing had ever happened to you in connection with a spoon, but now that you've left the room that seems rather pointless
Bard: People have said all your spoons are the same. Is that fair?
Daeron: Well, I do like a certain type of spoon, I'm not going to apologise for that.
Bard: But they are very traditional, very elitist, very elvish spoons, aren't they?
Daeron: Yes, but I really think everyone can relate to those sort of spoons. You don't have to be self-pitying human spoons, you know.
Bard: Do you think people will get bored with your type of feel-good spoon?
Daeron: Well, with all the fear in the world, why shouldn't we celebrate the virtues of the good old elvish spoon? For all its failings, it's a pretty decent sort of spoon.
Bard: In your latest song, you've cleverly interwoven a number of different tales, but none of them involve a spoon. Why is that?
Daeron: Well, originally there was a verse about the dish running away with the spoon. They were in love, but it didn't work out. She was mithril, he was wood, and he had commitment problems, but they were reunited at Yuletide after the spoon made a mad dash across Doriath to the stables accompanied by a choir of elflings singing "All you need is spoons."
Bard: That sounds great. Why didn't it make the final score?
Daeron: In the end it was just too dark a tale for romance.