Title: DADDY!

Summary: Harry apparently - so Hermione says and her word IS TRUTH - is Voldie's child.

Rating : T as of now

Warning: Swearing, suggestiveness, spazzling

Disclamier: Yes, I'm JKR, nice to meet you, and I'm trying out ideas for my next book. (Come on! JKR isn't on crack!)

A/N:Hey... I didn't know this but I recently discovered people labeling fics as 'crack fics'. Hmm... is that an 'official-like' term on here? Hmm...

Oh, and yes I do realize that LUCIUS IS WAAAYYY OOC. I've brought out his femine side. I like him like that...

-x-----X-----x-

"AHHH!" Harry screamed as loud as his lungs could muster. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He jumped up and slammed his head into a nearby wall repeatedly, as he continued to scream.

Ron, on the other hand, had burst into a massive set of giggles.

"It's true!" Hermione shouted, angerily. "I've checked my research over and over and the only way possible is to conclude that Harry's father is not James Potter, but..."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"WOULD YOU SHUT UP?!" She screamed. "I'M TRYING TO INFORM THE READERS!"

"Hahahah, go on and - heh - tell them," Ron wheezed.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Harry's father," she cut in, sharply, "is none other than... the Dark Lord himself."

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"

"SHUT UP ALREADY!"

So, yes, anyways, moving along with the story... Hermione had been reading in the library when a particular interesting sentence stood out that sent her going from book to book and in the end, she had somehow concluded that Harry had been lied to and his father was none other than Voldemort.

"BWAHAHAHAH"

And upon the arrival of this slightly disturbing news that made no sense whatsoever came Harry's incredibly long scream and Ron's insane giggles that lasted for way too long.

Hermione left the scene and came back a little after midnight to find the boys had finally tired of their annoying sound - making.

"Well?" she saked, hoping for a verbal answer.

Harry stared at her. He opened his mouth to scream once more but turns out he had lost his voice.

"Papa..."said Ron in delirious happiness. "...read me a bedtime story!"

Harry fainted.

Hermione rolled her eyes and left.

--------x------

"My Lord?" said Wormtail staring at the frozen man. "My Lord? Are you... okay?"

"H-He knows," Voldemort whispered. "Harry knows I'm his... his... you know."

"Enemy?" Wormtail asked, throughly confused.

"Father," correct Lucius who had been filing his nails to perfect little points.

"Wha - What? Are you really?!"

"Weird, isn't it? You'd think there would've been even the slightest hint but... hm... nope, not really," Lucius rambled. "So, Voldie? Whaddya gonna do?"

The man swallowed. "Ah... Erm... Dunno."

"Well, you very well can't kill him," Lucius reasoned, making no sense.

"Dammit! Why did he have to find out?!"Voldemort growled. "No, I have to explain every damn thing to him!"

"Perhaps you should invite him to dinner...?"said Lucius, pleasantly as he

examined his right hand. "You know, get to know each other."

"... he probably won't come..."

"Hey... doesn't this remind you of Star Wars?" Wormtail said, excitedly.

"Remember? When they're fighting and he says - "

" 'Luke, I'm your father!'", Lucius jumped in, saying in the darkest voice he

could manage for being a crossdresser.

"And then the guy screams - "Wormtail tried to hurriedly finish.

"'NOOOOO!'"Lucius cut in, smirking at the large rodent.

"I WANTED TO TELL HIM!" the Rat whined.

Voldemort rubbed his bald head several times over, straining for a thought, a reason, a least ONE fucking idea what he should do. "This is going to make things awkward on the battlefield," he growled. "Harry will be staring at me with those eggy green eyes of his and whining and then

crying on and on. You know how awkward that is for me? I mean... I have absolutely NO experience with children."

The group nodded in total agreement, remembering several he had tortured during the years...

--------x------

"You know what? I'm just going to completely ignore what you said," Harry told Hermione over breakfast, "because I think you're wrong." (don't we sound confident?)

"She's never wrong," Ron muttered.

"Then..." Harry said, thinking quickly,"...she's lying!"

"She never lies."

"What the hell, man!" Harry exclaimed. "Are you trying to depress me?! Why do you even think I'd want to re reminded that... that he's... He's..."

"Oh, look, a letter," Ron cut in to Harry's babble. "Probably from Mum reminding you to - "

"Dad!" Harry shouted,

"Wha...?"

"It says 'To Harry, From Dad'!"

"Well... "Hermione spoke up within the silence. "Read it..."

"He cursed it! I'm sure of it!" Harry exclaimed, refuing the black letter, inscribed in acid green ink. The owl, who had delivered it, seemed to have disappeared. "You open it."

Hermione used her wand to perform advanced 'opening - possibly - cursed - letter' magic, before raising her wand and said paper to be read. "Dear Harry... Come to... dinner... (he sure has mesy handwriting) on... Thursday... so we can... chat... Love, Voldie..." (Lucius wrote the letter...)

"BWAHAHAHAHAH! HE SAID 'LOVE'!" Ron exclaimed, falling into a new set of giggles.

Harry grabbed his quill and scribbled NO all over teh lovely note.

"Oh, don't be rude," Hermione rationalized. "You two really haven't had much of a chance to talk."

"I'm not going!"Harry yelled.

"But he's your father..."

"I said 'I'. -"

"OH YES YOU BLOODY WELL ARE!" Hermione screamed to the very stubborn Harry. "Now write back."

Harry twitched, dipped his quill once more in ink, then wrote at the very bottom, 'Love to'.

"Ask if I can go!" Ron said, jumping up and down excitedly because for some reason he's on a sugar-high... "I've never been to a mass murderer's house!"

"Don't be silly, Ron. You'll be killed," Hermione said, calmly, buttering her toast.

"You want me dead!" Harry accused.

"I never said that," She said in that soft, annoying voice of hers. "I just think that this situation is convinent for me."

"And why's that?"

"Well... I've been trying to decide who I want to date, you or Ron, and well, if you're killed, that makes the desicion easier, right?"

"That's hardly a valid reason to send me to my death!"

In the midst of yelling, the own scooped up the letter in Harry's hand before he could change his mind.

--------x------

"Oh, good," said Lucius," He's coming... I think...hmm..." He got out his reading glasses and it examined it further. "Oh, yes. See... it says 'Love to."

"Dammit. I wanted him to say no..." Voldemort sighed, heavily. Now he had to prepare for everything... lovely...

"Oh, don't be such a wet blanket! I think it'll be fun when he comes!"

"...right..."

--------x------ FAST FORWARD! THURSDAY --------x------

"You're coming with me, right?" Harry said, nervously.

Ron smiled. "Nope."

"What?!"

"I've got a date with Hermione."

"Since when?!"

"Since you died!"

"I'M NOT DEAD!"

Ron just grinned. "Welll... see ya!"

--------x------

Harry had somehow found his way to the Riddle mansion, directions provided by Hermione. Quickly, he sighed his will and left it on the dorstep before ringing the snake - like doorbell.

No reply...

He rung once more.

No reply...

"DAMMIT!" He yelled, punching the doorbell, demanding attention, "OPEN THE GODDAMN - "

Harry's finger was snatched. "Quit. Doing. That."

"Voldemort!" he shrieked, weakily. He was given his finger back by the snake man, adorned in a long shiny black robe.

His mouth parted, proving the man was there and not killing him (yet) "Wormtail was suppoed to be at the door but the damned rodent is probably digging through the trash again - remind me to crucio him later - and Lucius just wasn't done relaxing in his little lilac bath," the man growled as in explaination. He then regarded the very startled boy. "Well, say something!"

"H-Hi?"

His eyes narowed. "You're supposed to say something about yourself while dinner is getting ready."

"C-Can we sit?"

He turned his back around once more and set off down he large house. Harry assumed he was to follow and did so. "...weak," the man was muttering. "I don't see how the hell we're related..."

"I don't know ei - " Harry began to say, but his eyes traveled down the man's backside, the green orbs widening in pure shock. "You've got a big butt!"

He stopped, stiffly. "What did you say?"

"Yeah! You see... my butt's big too! See?" Harry turned around to display his fanny. "And it's not like I'm fat or anything so I always thought it was strange.

"I don't understand what you're driving that."

"Well... I dunno, I guess it's proof we're related..."

Lucius appeared, suddenly, clapping his hand to Harry's shoulder, giggling. "Haha, I like you."

"E-Eh?" Harry squeaked as an arm was wrapped around his chest, another around his waist.

"Don't molest him," Voldemort ordered. "It disturbs me."

"Awww... but he's sooo cute!"

"Who are you?!" Harry exclaimed, not very happy at the thought of being molested by another man. (or so he thinks... xP)

"Lucius, silly. Remember me? Back in your 4th year?"

"No... but... weren't you... more..."

"Evil?" Voldemort put in, nodding. "Yeah, he was. Then the idiot started to experiment with his potions like I told him not to and look what happened!"

"Get him off of me!"

"Lucius!" Voldemort commanded in all his awesomeness. The man reluctantly let go of Harry's shirt jacket.

"Hey... there's something I've wanted to ask," Harry said, slowly. "There was this one time I saw this really weird image in my head and I just, um, wondered... well..."

"What?"

"Are you... well, um, do you... like guys?" he finished, bluntly. He looked up at his father and caught a very evil glare that made him wish he had never thought to ask. Damn Ron and his suggestions! Next time he saw Voldemort with... (shiver) another guy... a younger guy... NO NO NO!

"...so, anyways," Lord Voldie said, "I was thinking you liked roast and potatoes, right?"

"You're avoiding the question!"

"Of course I'm not, and now tell me what else you want for your dinner."

"You ARE gay! MY DAD'S GAY!...WHAT THE HELL! HOW! THEN HOW WAS I...?"

"We're not talking about this."

"You're the one who wanted to talk."

Voldemort sat in his comfy blood red chair, tiredly. "Let's talk about... your friends... (that seems like a safe subject...)... what the hell are you doing?" At that moment, Harry had latched himself onto the man. He hadn't really meant to. Just did. He just opened his arms and then huggled the dark lord.

"I've never had a dad, you know? Well... I mean, I thought I did but you killed him... but still..."

"Harry... how do I say this... hmm... Dumbledore's been lying his ass off to you."

"Huh?"

"Little bastard never told you who your real father was, however... he did get one thing straight."

"What's that?"Harry said, snuggling very so slightly closer.

"That propecy is the reason I've been trying to kill you."

Harry slumped over. "You're cruel... HOW COULD YOU KILL YOUR SON?!"

"I haven't yet."

"Eep!"

"And I don't plan to now that you know. Just stay out of my way and you can stay alive - as you seem so inclined to be."

"Then what the hell was the point of having a son, huh?"

"It wasn't planned."

"Then... then, am I a love child?" asked Harry, his eyes converting to eggy adorableness that even Voldemort couldn't resist.

"Uh... "

"KAWAII!" Lucius exclaimed (cute in japanese) before grabbing Harry and hauling him down to his assigned room. "I just want to eat you all up!"

Voldemort rose, tiredly. "Put down the boy, Lucius!" he yelled, rubbing his head. "I don't have time for this!"

"It'll only take a sec!" Lucius sang back.

"Dinner's done!"

The man fled to the other side of the house as if his life depended on it.

Harry sat up in the bed, shirt jacket half off. "Is it really?!" he asked, excitedly.

"I don't know."

"Ooo you're mean!" Harry grumbled. "I'm hungry!" He wrapped his arms around his thin legs, pouting on and on, reminding the dark lord why he had never wanted a son... "I haven't eaten since 2 and now it's 6 - THAT'S 4 WHOLE HOURS! Man... I'm starving..."

"Shut UP!" annoyed father growled. "And put your shirt back on!"

"Heeyyyy have you and Lucius... you know..." Harry frowned, slightly, as he adjusted his shirt, a hard accompliment when it was so tangled.

"NO!"

"Really? I was starting to think he was my mother - you know, him living with you - except that's really creepy because he's trying to rape me..."

"NO! GODDAMMIT! NO!"

Harry sighed in relief. "Thank god..."

I'm getting the feeling he's getting way too comfortable here,The Dark Lord muttered in thought, as Harry began bouncing up and down on the large bed with pure joy.

"You really are pure evil!" Lucius yelled, glomping him in the head. "Dinner's not going to be done for another 10 minutes!" His eye rested on Harry once more. He grinned. "Dessert first!" he yelled, grabbing poor rapeable Harry.

"HEELLPP!"

"You know what you taste like, Harry? You taste like... VANILLA!"

"AHHHH! HELP! VOLDIE!"

With that goddamned nicknamed used, the man turned his back on his son and started the long walk to the dining room.

Harry, suddenly remembering he was a wizard, grabbed his wand - an item equipped onto every wizard and witch - and shoved the stick up Lucius's nose before running like hell.

Voldemort grabbed his hood, stopping him in the middle of one frantic leap, and preceeded to carry him in this way despite every protest.

--------x------ TBC --------x------

how much crack IS Anna on? Hm... enough to ask you for ideas of pairings if any. Orginally, I was set on HPLV - my usual pairing, but this story may have readers that aren't too happy with that and if you are one of these people SPEAK UP OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE! Others considered are basically every that can possibly be made with 3 guys... HPLVLM, LMHP, LVLM...

If this gains enough readers - and probably not - Anna might post more than one version with different pairings... Depending on how much pocky Anna gets. Chocolate. Strawberry. Almond? Please?

Anna has had a hard week and would love to hear lovely comments. If Anna gets a flame, she would like it to be BACKED UP and have some explaination for its reasoning. If not so, it shall be consider dEaD.

Anna loves you all! DON'T LET HER COMMIT SUICIDE!