|What's Killing Me
Author: sueKay-04 PM
Drabble: Rodney's guilty conscience. SPOILERS FOR SUNDAY.Rated: Fiction K - English - Angst/Tragedy - Rodney M. & Carson B. - Words: 526 - Reviews: 16 - Favs: 6 - Follows: 2 - Published: 01-17-07 - Status: Complete - id: 3346518
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
After over years of writing fiction, I've finally written a drabble.
Warning - this is crap, crap that I needed to get out of my system.
BEWARE OF SPOILERS FOR SUNDAY.
Synopsis: Rodney's feeling guilty
I just didn't know quite how true those sayings were until that Sunday.
She could be the one, or she could be my latest romantic failure. But I'll always know this: My feelings for her have cost me too much.
Had I not had dinner with her, I wouldn't have assigned two graduates to catalogue that lab.
Had I not liked spending time with her (regardless of all those stupid plants she loves), I wouldn't have had a way to get out of the fishing trip.
Had I not trusted her, I wouldn't have said those words that will haunt me 'til I die. The words I'd avoided saying even to myself.
I didn't want to go fishing. I didn't like fishing. I didn't want Carson to bore me rigid talking about fishing all day.
I didn't even stop to consider that I'd even have enjoyed being in his company for the day.
So I used Katie. Yes. Used. I told her that I wanted to get out of fishing for the above reasons. She took it as me wanting to spend more time with her. Technically correct, but also totally wrong.
I just didn't want to stick worms on a hook.
And then I lied to him. I lied to Carson. The last time we ever actually talked in person, I lied.
I blamed it on Katie. Said she wanted us to spend more time together.
I promised him we'd go fishing next week to make up for it. A week later I'd be in Glasgow, telling his mother that one of her sons wasn't coming home.
The next and last time I spoke to Carson, it was via radio. I tried to talk him into leaving Watson and getting himself and his staff out of there. He didn't listen. He was a professional to the end, and he died a horrific and painful death as a result.
If only I'd gone fishing with him, he'd still be here. He was my best friend. I loved him like a brother, and I sold him out for my own convenience.
I'm not the only one to feel guilty. Everyone else turned him down to go fishing. But if he hadn't valued my friendship, he would have made arrangements with someone else and would have been on the mainland.
Ronon told me I wasn't to blame. That I shouldn't dwell on what can't be changed.
But I look around and see what I've helped cause.
Five dead because I was enjoying a candlelit dinner.
Hearts broken because I was a coward.
A family shattered because I was a liar.
...And that, is what's killing me.