A/N: I realize this story hasn't been updated in about 3 months, so I apologize. I did lose a little inspiration, but I've finally gotten back on my feet. Hopefully, the second half of the story will be smoother from here on out. As always, I appreciate constructive criticism, but if there's a specific problem with my writing, tell me exactly what is wrong so that I can fix it. Conversely, if there's a concept you like, let me know and I'll use it more often. "Good!" or "This sux go die kthnx" don't exactly help me to become a better writer.

Part 4: Gonou's Story

-7 Years Ago, Xian, China-

In the late afternoon, a nun sat at her desk in the office of an orphanage. The setting summer sun came harshly through the windows and it seemed no matter how she turned the blinds, the light would find a way to sneak through and hit her eyes. Not to mention that the tiny office was getting unbearably warm on top of it all.

A soft knock echoed from out in the hallway, making the Sister lift her head up from the paper she was reviewing. “Come in.” Her blue eyes shifted briefly to a slightly pained expression, almost like she was regretting what she was about to do, but she managed to turn them placid as a young brunet man entered.

“Gonou, thank you for coming to see me.” The Sister always hated giving people bad news. This teenager in particular was one she was very concerned about.

The young man, Cho Gonou, sat on a plain wooden chair in front of the nun’s desk. He leaned back, his posture completely casual. Intense emerald eyes were visible behind a thin pair of glasses while his face was set in a blank, indifferent look. “Does this meeting have anything to do with the sudden influx of new children?”

The nun sighed sympathetically; Gonou was all business as usual. “I’m afraid so, Gonou. As you’ve undoubtedly heard, the next town over had a terrible flood a few weeks ago. It destroyed the entire place; hundreds were killed. We took in at least twenty orphans, but there are even more who have no place to go.”

“How does this involve me?” Gonou’s tone was cold, direct. This was nothing new from when he’d first come to the orphanage as a child. At just five years old, he’d been separated from his parents and older sister and had closed himself off from the world. He spent all of his time reading or taking long walks. No matter how hard the other Sisters tried to bring him out of his shell or instill some form of religion in him, Gonou had always stubbornly kept to himself.

The Sister leaned back in her chair as well. She’d been rehearsing for this moment all day, knowing full well that Gonou would not respond in a manner befitting a boy his age. “You’re 15 now, Gonou, and I know that you’re not an adult yet, but you are one of the oldest children here. All of the new children are 10 or younger… there’s no way they’d be able to make it on their own. You, however…”

“Why didn’t you just say that in the first place?” The green eyes looked like they were frozen over and the Sister gasped in spite of herself. “You want me to leave. I wouldn’t have been offended if you’d just said that.” Gonou sat up straight, staring the older woman down. “Actually, I’ve wanted to leave for years, but I guess I don’t have to wait until I’m 18 anymore.”

“Gonou…” The Sister knew that the conversation would hurt Gonou, but she hadn’t expected his comments to hurt her in return. “I hesitated in telling you because I was worried about how you would survive on your own. I know you’re intelligent, Gonou – extremely so – but please don’t think I’m kicking you out without any support. You are always welcome to seek aid from the church…”

“I don’t need the church,” Gonou replied, casting off her offer with a flick of his wrist. He stood up and leaned on her desk. “God has never done anything for me.”

The Sister closed her eyes, trying to ignore the pain those words caused and failing. “I wish you wouldn’t say that, Gonou. God does care for you, whether you feel His presence or not.”

Gonou was already heading for the door. “If that were the case, I’d be with my family right now, wouldn’t I?” He didn’t wait for her to respond, slamming the door shut as he walked out. The Sister remained seated, willing herself not to cry.

-+-

Gonou looked through the room he shared with two other teenagers, somehow not surprised that everything had already been packed. All of his personal items fit into one suitcase and one small bag. It only served to remind him of how solitary he truly was.

Of the few sentimental items he owned, two lay on the bed still waiting to be thrown in with his clothing and bath things. One was a copy of his favorite book, ‘Journey to the West,’ and the other was a small pocket watch he’d brought to the orphanage as a child. It had long since stopped working, but he enjoyed the antique look and how the Roman numerals around the edges still shone after all this time. He took one last glance at it and placed it in the suitcase, which he then shut and latched.

One of the other boys watched him from the door with intense brown eyes. “Gonou, where’re you going?” He offered the teenager a hopeful smile. “Are you getting adopted?”

Gonou’s green eyes were still frozen over. “I’m leaving and going to live on my own. They might ask you to do the same soon.” Were he the smiling type, he might have delighted at the rate with which the boy’s confidence shattered into worry. ‘No matter.’ “I’ve wanted to live by myself for some time. It’s not a problem.”

“But won’t it be… lonely?”

Gonou snorted and walked past the boy, out the door. ‘Lonely? How do I know what loneliness is if I’ve never had companionship?’

“Going somewhere?” This time, there was a girl blocking his path as he tried to get down the hallway. She was about his same age, leaning against the wall with an amused look.

He knew who she was right away by the long brown braid that reached down to the middle of her back. “Get out of my way, Kanan.” Kanan and Gonou had entered the orphanage around the same time; the two even had the same family name – but then, so did about a dozen other children.

Kanan was one of the few people in this place, aside from the Sisters, who bothered to talk to him. The girl seemed hell-bent on getting him to open up to her, at any rate, and so he’d never really been sure of how to act around her.

“Look, I’m not happy they’re kicking me out, either, but at least I can stop and chat if someone wants me to.”

Gonou, on his way to the stairs, paused for a minute to contemplate her words. “Wait… they’re asking you to leave, too?” ‘Maybe I’m not the only one.’

He immediately tried to convince himself that he didn’t care about being understood or being in the same predicament as someone else, but it was as if the burden he had taken on was suddenly being shared. Gonou didn’t like the idea of associating his problems with anyone else.

Kanan shrugged. “Anyone 15 or older, right? That would be me.” She moved to stand right in front of Gonou. “Though I’m not in quite as much of a hurry as you seem to be. Do you even know where you’re going to stay? Do you have any money on you? Or are you trying to make a statement?”

Gonou bit his lip, trying to deny that she may have been correct. Just how was he supposed to make it in the world on his own? It probably wasn’t going to be as easy as just walking down the street and having someone offer him a place to live.

He coughed. “Well, since you seem to know so much… What do you recommend I do?” He said this with the highest degree of sarcasm possible, but that just made Kanan roll her eyes.

“You’re even more hopeless than I thought,” she replied, shaking her head and making her braid move. “Settle down and the two of us will figure something out.”

-+-

Kanan was remarkably resourceful, he found out. She had been looking into monetary aid sources, local low-rent housing, and searching for a job since the Sisters had spoken with her. Since the orphanage wasn’t giving them a set deadline, just a ‘strong recommendation,’ she was using all the time she had to her advantage.

Gonou never unpacked his suitcase. He figured he might as well go along with the ‘making a statement’ theory.

She was slightly older than he was, which at 16 meant that she could apply for most minimum wage jobs. Part-time salary wasn’t about to cover things like rent and utilities, so she came to Gonou one afternoon with an interesting proposition.

“We should live together.”

He looked up from the book he’d been reading, eyes not visible due to the glare of his glasses. “Say that again?”

Kanan sat down in the chair next to him, even though they were the only ones in the library room and there were plenty of other spaces. Gonou’s personal bubble was being infiltrated and that ate at him, but for some reason, he couldn’t bring himself to say anything.

“Think about it,” she said, leaning back in the chair and focusing on the ceiling. “Neither of us can afford to live on our own, but together, we just might have a shot. It won’t be luxurious by any means, but I bet it’ll be enough to live on if we both work.” She sat up straight and looked over at him. “What do you say?”

Gonou abruptly closed his book. This was far beyond invasion of personal space and he wasn’t about to take that from her. “Thank you, but I’m not interested.” He stood up and made his way to the door.

After the boy exited, Kanan sighed, shoulders slumping. “You’d think I just asked him to marry me or something.”

-+-

Two days after the conversation in the library room, a thick envelope arrived at the orphanage bearing Gonou’s name. Even though a majority of the other children never talked to the boy, they all crowded around to see what was going on.

The head Sister read the letter aloud, much to the teen’s dismay. “ ‘Mr. Cho Gonou,

‘We are extremely impressed with your current academic record and, due to your outstanding performance, are inviting you to begin school with us during the Fall Semester at Fu-ling Academy in Central Xian (1) with tuition paid in full. The Academy is focused on transforming the lives of students and preparing them to become highly skilled adults. We accept only the best and brightest to study with our world-class faculty and encourage you to return the enclosed information packet to us as soon as possible so as to ensure your place in next year’s class.”

After the torture of having to endure the compliments and awe of the other children, Gonou could finally read his letter in peace. He noted interestingly enough that a form was provided for housing, which was near the academy.

“So, congratulations, Mr. Genius.” Kanan was standing right behind him, which made him jump in spite of himself.

Gonou attempted to calmly set the letter down on the nightstand next to his bed. “I don’t recall giving you permission to enter my room.”

Kanan laughed. “I didn’t know I needed permission.” She slid around to his side, studying him. “You just got accepted to one of the most prestigious schools in Xian and you’re acting like your dog just died. At least smile. You are capable of that, aren’t you?”

He answered in a way that he felt was quite honest. “No. All of this is just a hollow gesture. What good is intelligence in such a world? You’re only going to die one day anyway.”

Kanan sighed, leaning back and moving to the doorframe. “Sometimes, I don’t know why I even bother with you. I hear you talk all the time about loneliness or whatever, but yet, when someone tries to get you to open up, you push them away. Sounds like your only pleasure in life is making yourself miserable.”

Gonou stopped for a moment, not sure what to say to that.

Kanan didn’t wait for him to answer. “Does it say anything in there about housing? Now that you don’t have to worry about paying for school, that’s one less expense, but I bet if we roomed together we’d definitely be able to make ends me.”

Gonou was still trying to work everything out in his head. She wanted them to live together. He’d been accepted to this school. He’d be leaving the orphanage with a place to go. He could be someone. Yet, he felt it was impossible to shake the dark cloud hanging over him.

‘She thinks that I just want to be miserable, ’ Gonou thought as Kanan’s words floated around in his mind. ‘Yes,’ he thought. ‘I am miserable. I thought I deserved it.’

Gonou wondered who had decided that he deserved to feel a certain way. ‘God? Most certainly not,’ he reasoned.

“Kanan,” he said, noticing that the girl had moved to the doorway. She turned around and he looked her straight in the eye.

“I’ll think about it,” he attempted offhandedly.

Gonou realized then that he actually liked it when Kanan smiled.

-+-

A full six months after Gonou had received his letter, he was heading out to attend Fall Semester at the Academy. Just a week prior to school starting, he and Kanan had settled into a house that had been converted into an apartment. It was within walking distance of the single enormous school building. Despite the fact that Gonou didn’t usually get attached to material things, he found himself liking the quaint little place.

There were two bedrooms, a living room, a bathroom, and a kitchen, all contained on the second story. The landlady, who lived in the bottom section of the house, had been slightly anxious about renting the place to two teenagers, but decided upon meeting both in person that they were “unbelievably mature” for their age and, with the help of the Church, were able to start making payments on the place.

The Academy was a brand-new experience for Gonou in and of itself. He had been used to the other children at the orphanage being around him constantly, both in and out of class. Many of the children refused to learn or complained about studying. Gonou had always found it easy to think himself superior to them. It was quite another story to interact with the other students now that they were his “peers”.

Fu-ling was highly competitive, exactly as the acceptance letter had claimed. Gonou had to work harder in order to remain at the top of his class and found that he almost enjoyed the challenge. Many of the teachers were foreign or had traveled abroad extensively and actively engaged their students in debate about current events. The teen’s head spun, finally being able to absorb all the knowledge he’d desperately craved in his childhood and find others with whom he could identify.

When he finally returned to his senses after the fourth day in a row of gushing about the school to Kanan, it hit him that he was actually satisfied with his new life.

It was something he hadn’t experienced much at all so far and he mentioned it to Kanan, in between ramblings about a particular lecture a professor had given that day and a lively dialog on contemporary politics that they’d had in class.

The girl had just laughed and called him a sponge: extremely absorbent of materials around him and finally being placed into the ocean for the first time instead of a bucket. Her metaphor had been convoluted and he was slightly annoyed with it, but he was too pleased with his progress to give it much thought.

Gonou had been attending the school for two months before stopping to think about how his roommate was really faring. Kanan had been working at a low paying entry-level job or two this whole time, but didn’t have any opportunity to further her own education beyond what she’d received at the orphanage.

There was one incident in particular where Gonou felt a pang of guilt as she attempted to clean up the house even after a long day working, while he bent over his books for an entire evening yet again. He stopped a few times and began to help her, even though she insisted that his studies were the most important thing. He knew that he didn’t have to worry about grades, at any rate. He was consistently in the top five on the tests he took and never failed once to turn in assignments and papers. Midterms were easy compared to handling adult duties like she was trying to do.

“You really don’t have to help me,” Kanan insisted for the twentieth time as Gonou efficiently swept up the kitchen area. She had resorted to washing some dishes, but let out a sigh when Gonou started drying them.

“Of course I do,” he replied, focusing on the plates before him. “You do everything around here. I’m just going to school, but you’re worrying about all of the other things.”

“I don’t mind worrying.” Kanan’s voice dropped to a whisper and Gonou stopped mid-motion, dish in one hand and towel in the other. “I want things to go well for you. You’re enjoying school so much and finally getting to do something that makes you happy. I… I like seeing you happy, Gonou.”

Gonou felt like he was watching a movie. He didn’t even notice as he set the items down on the counter and gave Kanan’s hand a reassuring squeeze. “I think perhaps… we should both be happy.”

Kanan blushed and said nothing.

-+-

Kanan had admitted early on in the time they began living together that, unlike Gonou, she had agreed with most of the teachings of the Church, but not all; she was willing to talk theology with him and saw his point on many of his grievances. Despite that, she did always enjoy the holidays and various festivals.

Which was why Gonou was frantically searching for a Christmas present the night before, cursing himself for raiding the Academy’s library right before Winter Break and burying himself in books – history, philosophy, classic literature, anything just to be able to devour the knowledge it contained – for weeks when he could’ve been out shopping.

Eventually, after much internal agonizing on his part, he settled on a rather expensive camera. It was a brand-new model in sleek black. Kanan loved the outdoors and had been looking forward to a garden once the weather became nicer in the spring. Gonou had figured she’d enjoy taking her own photos of nature as well and paid for the present. This purchase used up almost all of the funds he’d been saving from a few odd jobs he’d been doing on the side.

That night, they exchanged their gifts. Gonou had been somewhat surprised to receive something from Kanan: a leather-bound special edition of his beloved ‘Journey to the West’ – his former copy had fallen to pieces months ago – but more surprised to see her reaction to the gift he gave her.

“Gonou,” she breathed, holding up the camera to the light, inspecting it from every angle. “This is perfect. Now I can finally have a picture of you!”

“Of me?”

“Of course!” Kanan grinned and scooted closer. “I want that to be the first picture on this roll of film. You have to smile, too, Gonou, or I’ll keep taking pictures until you do.”

He shied away. “I don’t really care for pictures…”

“So?” Kanan had already loaded the film and was testing the zoom on the device. “I want to have a copy of this memory. I want to look back and see how we used to be.”

Gonou caved. He couldn’t resist her infectiously happy attitude and offered a soft smile of his own for the camera. She situated herself against his chest and held out her arm so both of them were in the frame. One click later, both had a feeling it had turned out perfect.

They remained in that position for a little while, Gonou feeling oddly comfortable. Kanan continued to lean against him and he could tell she was becoming more relaxed. They looked at the camera resting in Kanan’s lap, neither wanting to break the silence.

Finally, Kanan spoke up. “Thank you for this,” she said, gesturing to the tiny little tree they’d propped up in the living room, along with a few garlands. “I know it’s a lot to ask for someone who doesn’t really like this sort of thing—”

“It makes you happy,” Gonou cut in. He glanced down at the worn carpet. “I like seeing you happy.”

Kanan laughed softly. “Thank you.” At that, she sat up a bit, so that they were both at eye level with each other. “I’m glad that you’re finally starting to enjoy life. It’s much more fun with another person.”

Gonou was trying to think of something to say in response when Kanan shifted up into a kneeling position, looking down at him and catching his full attention. Her right hand drifted up to his cheek while her other hand settled on his shoulder as she pulled him in for a gentle kiss. Stunned, Gonou could only watch, eyes wide, until he finally regained control over his senses and pulled back, gaping. Before he could say anything, Kanan put a bit more weight on his shoulder and recaptured his lips, effectively silencing him.

Gonou was speechless when she released him, mouth opening and closing a few times, but with too many thoughts running through his head to form a coherent sentence.

Kanan seemed to realize how forward she had been and blushed as she pulled away from him. “Gonou, I’m so—” she started, playing with her hands, which she’d placed in her lap. “I don’t know what—”

Before she could try to explain, it was Gonou’s turn to surprise her. He took her hands into his and brought them to his lips, brushing them against her hands as gently as he possibly could. As she was still shocked herself, he put his own right hand on her cheek and drew her in for a kiss. He tried his best to copy what she’d done to him and was pleased with the results.

Kanan was blushing slightly and Gonou touched her cheek as delicately as possible, moving his hand up to smooth back a strand of her hair that had come out of her braid. He had never even considered a relationship with anyone before, but now he couldn’t even imagine being with anyone besides Kanan. If it hadn’t been for her…

“Gonou…”

He stopped her before she could say whatever she had been thinking and kissed her again while gently pulling her down to lay next to him on the floor. Things had finally taken a turn for the better in his life and as Gonou continued to kiss her, he decided that he wouldn’t have it any other way.

Notes:

(1) Fu-ling is the mountain that Pa Chieh (Hakkai) comes from in the original Journey to the West novels. Xian is the present-day name for Chang’An.