|The Various Supah Powahs of One Severus Snape
Author: lunakatrina PM
Answers the time honored question: What would happen if Snape fell into a vat of toxic waste? Just in case anyone was wondering...total crack, ignores HBPRated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor/Drama - Severus S. - Chapters: 3 - Words: 4,057 - Reviews: 38 - Favs: 42 - Follows: 18 - Updated: 02-10-07 - Published: 01-23-07 - id: 3358098
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
This is the result of a typo and overactive imaginations...this story is equal parts my idea and timydamonkey's idea (she also betaed for me, timydamonkey: teh talented), and might I just say it would be very scary if one person could come up with this idea on their own. Anyway...I suppose I should apologize here, but I'm not gonna because this like way better than sliced bread.
Disclaimer: I wish I owned Harry Potter because then everyone on the planet would be reading this...however, they aren't so I clearly have no claim to the Harry Potter series.
The Various Supah Powahs of One Severus Snape
It was a very sad day for all of Britain when Severus Snape fell into a vat of toxic waste.
Luckily for him, the level of radioactivity was not fatal, so he was able to continue living his life with only the small worry that he might develop fatal cancer before being killed by Voldemort… for his duplicity.
Fortunately, the odds of this happening were very small, so Snape was able to return his life as Hogwarts' hated greasy used-car-salesman-esque Professor with very little worry of dying of a horrible incurable disease.
And so Snape's life remained normal; he terrorized first years—except that one small first year Hufflepuff that had mysteriously disappeared - and he goaded Harry Potter and Co, and went on missions for Dumbledore… and/or Voldemort.
All was well until one night Snape's nose began tingling.
And it was not for reasons that all of you are thinking; nay, I say to you! Snape had not been sniffing crushed chili peppers again!
Snape sat up in his bed and knew something was amiss.
For verily, something was amiss.
Snape sniffed once, his powerful, mighty nostrils flaring, and knew that what he smelled could only be attributed to one thing:
The tea had been left out.
Snape rushed from his bed to clean the mess up quickly, and once that minor crisis was averted, a new smell reached Snape's nose:
It could not be! But yes! It was!
Mildew… in the bathroom.
Snape quickly grabbed an alcohol based cleaning product and a rag and quickly went to the bathroom to clean the mildew his powerful nose could smell.
Soon, Snape was cleaning every dirty thing in his rooms, for his nose compelled it.
And so, Snape, armed with only his wand, a feather duster, and a mop, declared war on the dirty, sticky halls of Hogwarts.
Every night, after giving detentions to various horny teens, Snape would spray disinfectant and scrub and dust every room in Hogwarts — and every night, Snape won his war room by room, and battle by battle.
But there was no rest for the weary; there was no way for Snape to truly clean Hogwarts and have it remain clean. Nay, I say to you, for each room Snape toiled long and hard to clean, there were eight students who placed more dirt, more stenches for Snape's mighty nose to detect.
Every morning after a long, hard night of cleaning, Snape would slink back to his clean room and sleep restlessly for a few hours, his nose tingling with the stench of unclean messes.
And every night, without fail, Snape came forth from his lair to do battle, to fight to make the world a cleaner, better smelling place.
Like the fight between good and evil, Snape's battle raged on with no clear end in sight.
Voldemort and Dumbledore each were looking for a way to off the other, and Dumbledore was in need of information on Voldemort's doings, while Voldemort needed information on Dumbledore's doings.
Now, though it might seem like the two have a lot in common, this was actually not the case.
Which brings us back to Severus Snape and his amazing nose…
Now, since both Dumbledore and Voldemort have the same interest in finding out about one another, it would only make sense that they have someone to do the finding out, and it would only be economical to have one person doing the finding out, because in all honesty, it's the same effin' job.
Now Snape happens to the perfect person for this job because as everyone knows… or now knows, Snape is a master of multiplication. No, the real reason he became so good at math was not because he studied a lot. Nay, I say to you! It's because he's a spy! And spies are masters at duplicity — here we will see Snape and his multiplication skills at work...
"Ah! Severus, there you are!" Dumbledore greeted Snape brightly.
Snape fought the urge to keep from grooming Dumbledore's beard, and dusting Dumbledore's many books. Snape's fearsome nose twitched under the assault of dust and old book smell… tonight, Snape told his nose, this place will be as clean as a muggle operating room.
Snape often read medical journals in order to learn the latest about disinfectant methods.
Some days, like today, Snape considered inventing an air freshener that conveniently hovered invisibly over people's heads and used itself when necessary... in the case of mess to the surrounding area, there would be bonus points if said air freshener managed to utterly drench the culprit... with acid!
Or soap. Whichever.
"Severus," Dumbledore began as he settled into his desk, which no doubt was responsible for the strange, old lemony smell of the room. Knowing Dumbledore, centuries of lemon sherbets had been lost in that desk and Snape knew the only way to be rid of the smell was a good, long alcohol soak. "Voldemort is on the move. I need you to infiltrate his headquarters and report back to me with any information."
Now Snape knew that Voldemort was not, in fact, on the move. He had been in the same headquarters for nearly a year, which meant that it would have an awful reek of dead bodies, old blood, and Voldemort's own scent: newborn baby and milk.
Snape should probably bring an excess amount of odor killer, along with twice the amount of disinfectant and alcohol.
"Of course, Albus, I'll go immediately, after procuring some supplies," Snape replied tersely, his nostrils flaring once more.
Snape turned and left Dumbledore's office, his robes billowing out behind him.
Tonight, Voldemort's headquarters would know Snape's wrath. Those damned odor-causing bacteria wouldn't know what hit them.
Highly unpleasant moments…
Snape quickly swiped his feather duster over a de-scented corpse, and then sniffed once.
There was someone nearby… and they wore a foul-smelling cologne. Snape first reached for his odor-eater, and then realized he wouldn't be able to rid the world of rancid smells if he were dead, and instead whipped out his wand.
The odor became stronger and Snape called out into the darkness: "Who are you? Announce yourself immediately!"
Here is where we see just how duplicitous Snape really is, now pay close attention:
Snapes stepped out of the shadows — The duplicity!