|101 Ways to Crossover Annoy Voldemort
Author: Ravenwood240 PM
101 ways to crossover kill, maim, torment, annoy, harass, torture, destroy, humiliate, or otherwise pester the DorkLard Moldywart.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Voldemort - Chapters: 6 - Words: 8,631 - Reviews: 125 - Favs: 84 - Follows: 97 - Updated: 03-14-09 - Published: 01-25-07 - id: 3361062
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
One Hundred and One Crossover Ways to Kill, Maim, Torment, Annoy, Incapacitate, Aggravate, Immobilize, or Otherwise Disconcert Voldemort.
Harry Potter grinned at Hermione. "You're certain this will work?"
Hermione nodded, and began explaining exactly what she'd found. Harry just blinked. He was only catching about one word in ten, and really didn't have a clue what Hermione was talking about. "Hermione," he said, waiting for her to stop. "Hermione!"
She blinked but stopped talking. "Just tell me that you're sure it will work."
Hermione nodded. "It will send the target somewhere else, somewhere not in our reality, and to a place where the target can be contained."
Harry smiled and looked at the small stone. It glowed a deep blue and was about the size of Harry's fist. He picked it up and smiled. "Tell me how to work it again."
Two days later, in the Forbidden Forest.
Harry ducked a curse, and flung one back, not really paying attention to the target, his mind and eyes on Voldemort. His wand was in one hand and the blue stone was in the other as he tried to get close enough to activate the magic it contained. One more rush and Harry threw the stone at Voldemort, muttering the spell that activated it at the same time.
It hit Voldemort in the chest, and there was a flash of blue light. When it cleared, everyone stopped, frozen in shock.
Voldemort was gone.
Voldemort appeared in front of a man with a katana in his hand. He looked at the sword and sneered. "I am immortal, you cannot hurt me."
The man stared at him in disbelief and reacted when Voldemort tried to bring his wand up. His katana flashed once, removing Voldemort's head from his shoulders. The man looked at the body. "There can be only one," he said with a faint Scottish accent, as he walked away.
Voldemort reappeared and looked around. He was in some sort of strange place, where everything was bright colours that didn't look right. A memory from the orphanage he'd grown up in surfaced, and he frowned. Why did the world look like a cartoon?
"Oh, you look like you need a hug." Voldemort spun, staring in disbelief at a one meter high bear with a Heart on its chest. He raised his wand and tried to A-K the creature.
"Silly man," the bear giggled as it came closer, opening its arms wide. "Evil magic doesn't work in CareBearland." Voldemort looked up to see dozens of animals with symbols on their chests converging on him.
The mail clad warrior was sitting in the tavern having an ale and talking about his latest adventure with an old friend. "So, we tried to kill this bloody sod, name of Voldemort, about thirty times, and he kept flipping coming back."
The Elven Druid frowned. "I hate it when that happens. What did you do with him?"
The warrior shrugged and finished his ale. "What do we always do when the bastards are immortal? We caught him off guard and turned him to stone. He's an ugly birdbath though."
Voldemort appeared in some sort of dirt road. Somewhere near by he could hear revving engines, but all he saw was a river and the road. He looked at the river, and suddenly, from close behind him came a blaring raucous horn sound and some sort of screaming. "Yea Hahhhhhh!!!" He whirled around, leading with his wand, only to freeze as a bright orange car fell out of the sky, smashing him into the Hazard County dirt. Seconds later, the three police cars following the orange car finished grinding him into the dirt, leaving only a familiar road kill blotch on the road.
Luke looked at Bo. "Cuz, did we hit something back there?"
Bo shrugged. "I don't know, and with Roscoe on our tail, I'm not stopping to find out." He grinned at Luke. "Sides, what I saw didn't look human, and road kill is a Hazard County tradition. By the way, remind me not to eat at the diner for a few days, will you?"
Two days later, a farmer walking down the road found Voldemort's wand, and three days later, that farmer had the only yew-shaft pipe in Hazard County. The strange feather he'd drilled out of the core was stuck in his hat band.
Voldemort appeared in front of a strange looking Muggle building, cursing Harry Potter. He didn't know what Harry had done, but when he figured it out, Potter was going to pay for this. "Pardon me Sir," came a voice from behind him,causing him to spin around. "You're thinking about committing many acts of violence and death, which is against the law."
The agent didn't get any further as Voldemort attempted to commit one of those acts of violence or death. The agent disappeared a split second before the green beam hit him and as soon as the green light was gone there were a dozen men surrounding Voldemort. Without a word, they raised some sort of weapon to their shoulders and fired, the Time Travel beams unravelling Voldemort, erasing him from the time stream entirely.
Voldemort appeared in the middle of a forest, swearing at Harry Potter. He tried to cast a "Locate Me" spell and figure out where he was, but it didn't work. It took almost twenty minutes before Voldemort was willing to admit that magic didn't work here. He picked a direction and started walking.
About an hour later, he began noticing the strangest music he'd ever heard. He was looking for the source of it when a local greeted him.
"You sure do have a pretty mouth, boy."
Voldemort appeared in a strange house, and spent nearly three hours trying to get out. His magic worked, but it didn't seem to effect anything here. He was frankly relieved when a man in a red and black striped shirt and strange hat showed up. Finally, a target for his magic.
He cast an Imperius at him, wanting to question him about this place, and was dumbfounded when it didn't work at all. The terribly scarred man smirked at him. "You're in dreamland, and Freddy rules here."
The man stared at him for a minute and then smiled as he became a giant baby Harry Potter, with the scar still bleeding. The baby looked at the disbelieving Voldemort and swung a bottle at him. "Bad mans hurt me."
Voldemort believed then, as he felt ribs break and organs shift as the bottle smashed him into a wall and out the other side. He got up and started to run as the giant baby stepped through the wall.
Voldemort cursed as he appeared in a forest, until the appearance of the forest struck him. It was oddly colourful and seemed slightly two dimensional. He frowned and began walking. Barely a few seconds had passed when he heard something and he stopped, pulling his wand.
As he hid, a dozen small blue creatures burst out of the under brush, running by him without seeing him and disappearing again. Right behind them was a cat and behind the cat, a weak and pathetic looking wizard.
Voldemort jumped out in front of the Wizard, who dodged him. "On the clock, sorry, no time," he said as he followed the blue things and the cat into the brush. Voldemort snarled and cast his favourite spell at the wizard's back.
He woke up with a blue creature sitting on his chest. This one was wearing red, unlike the others he'd seen, who were in white.
Voldemort tried to get up, but he was tied down. "Hello, I'm Poppa Smurf, and I need to tell you something before you get up. You're in The Smurfs, a Muggle cartoon, and here, any evil always goes wrong. It may seem to work for a bit, but Good will always win in the end here."
The creature slid off of him and he felt dozens of hands untying him. He jumped up when he could and cast again. "Crucio."
He watched in disbelief as a leaf, covered in dew turned toward the red light and reflected it back at him, causing him an instant's intense pain before he lost the concentration for the spell.
Voldemort looked at the leaf and considered the little creature's words. He was persistent though, and long after the show was cancelled, he was still trying to hurt anyone, anything in the woods besides himself.
Voldemort appeared and before he even had his bearing there was a loud explosion and his bits were scattered over half of Los Angeles. The tall muscular thing with the one red light where his right eye should be looked at the feet that were all that was left of the being that had activated his threat radar.
"I'll Be Back." The thing looked at the feet again. "But You Won't."
Voldemort appeared next to a man sitting on a rock. The man looked at him and shook his head. "You picked a really bad time to show up."
Voldemort frowned at him. "Why do you say that?"
The man pointed at the sky,and Voldemort looked up to see the Sun changing colours.
"Because the sun went Nova seven minutes ago."
Just a bit of amusement... I may or may not ever reach 101 ways, but as I think of another way to hassle old snake face, I'll write it down, and every time I have ten, I'll post them.