2stupid: Hello. This is our newest fic.

Tensa-chan: We actually have permission from the author to do this. And since we’re stuck at home with a high fever, things should be getting hot in here.

2stupid: So, more crack for all of us. After all, this is a crackfic.

Tensa-chan: Just read, already. Our hearing’s going. Oh, and one last thing. This takes place just after GoF.

Chapter 1

1) Say, “Voldie, Voldie, where are thou Voldie?”

Lord Voldemort was not having a good day. You see, his world had recently been invaded by the malady known as the “Mary Sue.” This most powerful of magical creatures, named Tensa-chan (It’s me!) had decided to attach herself to him and pester out the life of him. Currently, she was trying to find him.

“Voldie, Voldie, where art thou, Voldie?” she called. Voldemort twitched in annoyance. One did not call the Dark Lord ‘Voldie’! He leapt out, fully intending to ‘Avada Kedavra’ her to oblivion, but forgot that she was a Mary Sue and was promptly glomped.

“Voldie!” she squealed.

2) Kneel before him dressed up as a Death Eater and say, “My Lord, your plans to kill Potter have failed…again…for the thousandth time…man you are a loser.”

The next day, Voldemort held a meeting of his Death Eaters to discuss the problem of the Mary Sue. As their meeting came to a halt with some interesting ideas (giant mousetrap, anyone? Voldie bait included!), Voldemort realized that something was wrong.

“Who are you?!” he roared at the strange new Death Eater. “Answer me!” He was about to Crucio the strange figure when it walked up to him and kneeled and kissed his hems.

“My Lord, your plans to kill Potter have failed-” Voldemort was confused. What plans? The ones he had weren’t supposed to go into effect until next year!

“-again-“ Voldemort twitched and reached for his wand. So what if his plans failed? That insane no-fashion-sense Muggle-lover kept pulling the plug on them!

“-for the thousandth time-“ Nooo! There were only four! The other nine hundred ninety six times never existed! Voldemort realized he couldn’t find his wand and nearly had an aneurism, a stroke, a heart attack, and nearly turned into a tomatohead as all the blood rushed to his face in embarrassment and fury.

“-man, you are a loser,” the voice finished dryly. Voldemort by now was on the ground, twitching and frothing at the mouth, his eyes rolled up in the the back of his head.

“Just goes to show,” the Mary Sue said dryly, pulling out the Dark Lord’s wand and twirling it like a baton. “No sense of fashion whatsoever, or he would have found a wand that works on Potty by now. By the way, I should check up on the brat.” With a semi-nonexistent pop, the Mary Sue Disapparated.

3) Ask him how his relationship with Lucius is.

Harry stared at the message on his bed. So I have a strange ally who calls herself ‘Tensa-chan’ and ‘the Writer’ and is a Mary Sue with as-of-yet unknown powers who will only fight against Voldemort as part of her prank campaign against him, he thought. This is so seriously stupid! I need better sidekicks!

Back to the victi—err, story.

“So, Voldie?” the all-too-well-remembered voice of the Mary Sue popped up. “How’s your relationship with Lucie?”

Voldemort twitched slightly and took off his glasses hastily. After all, his eyesight was supposed to be fine. 20-20 or whatever those blasted muggles called it. It wasn’t his fault he couldn’t afford more candles!

“I do not know a girl named ‘Lucie’,” he said frostily. “I am not in a relationship with any female.”

“So you’re in a relationship with Lucie!” the Mary Sue squealed delightedly. “Invite me next time you two do something!” (AN: Not in that way, you pervs.)

“I. Am. Not. In. A. Relation. Ship. With. This. Lucie!” Voldemort cried. “I’m a-!” He stopped himself barely in time.

The Mary Sue glanced down at the list of torture, saw the next item on the list, and smirked to herself.

“So, you admit it? After all, you must need his family’s money pretty badly. Do you beg?”

“Wait, did you say ‘he’?” Voldemort asked suspiciously, warning Sneakoscopes screaming in his mind.

The Mary Sue stared at him. “Of course I’m talking about Lucius! Who else besides that Malfoy? He’s even a pure-!“

“I AM NOT HOMOSEXUAL! OR GAY!” Voldemort screamed.

“DO NOT INTERRUPT ME WHILE I AM SPEAKING!” the Mary Sue roared, then continued in a conversational tone. “So you’re lesbian, then? Wait, let me check under those robes; is there anything there?”

Voldemort blew a gasket and had to revive himself via Horcrux.

4) Ask him if he is a virgin.

Voldemort was engaging in some mentally soothing activity and therapeutic time – alright, he was visiting a Muggle day spa, but so what! He was the Dark Lord and could get one installed in his home! (he then realized he lived in a haunted mansion and couldn’t.) – when his warning Sneakoscopes went off again. They went on an all-time high as he heard his masseur come in. But- it couldn’t be!

It was.

“Hello, Voldie,” she crooned, searching for the massage oil and accidentally dropping the glass (!) bottle when she found it. (“Oopsie!” “That was the only oil of that type that they had left! I’m allergic to all other types!”) She then got to work on his shoulders without using that oil; what she used hurt like hell.

“Do you like this? It’s special itching cream I got from my last victim,” she said. “They used it in torture and interrogation, you know.”

“What do you want me to say?” Voldemort gritted out. His shoulders felt like they were on fire.

“Well, I first wanted to compliment you on how well you look with hair. It befits you and you shouldn’t cut it.” Voldemort gritted his teeth at her slow drawl. He was sure it was on purpose: she had spoken in much faster tones at other times.

“Get to the point!”

“Well, are you a virgin?”

“EHHH?” Voldemort was so shocked he didn’t even articulate a word. In response, the Mary Sue slapped his shoulder. (AN: If someone hits you on a painful part, it hurts. Like Hell.)

“Come on now! I want the truth!” Voldemort, his nerves already going from his other incidents, finally admitted the truth.

“Yes.”

The Mary Sue laughed and ran off. “Yeees! I knew it!” she screamed as she ran out. Then, she turned back and pulled some stuff out and tossed it to Voldemort.

He caught it. It was a roll of bandages and some tube of antiseptic with a note attached. Hoping it would be the antidote to the torture cream, he slathered it on.

Bad idea.

Voldemort squeaked (squeaked!) as the antiseptic made his wounds feel on fire. It was then that he realized the Mary Sue wouldn’t be so kind to him. He decided to read the note.

‘Dear Mary Sue,

I believe this is yours. I don’t want it back.

-Kakashi’

Underneath it was a list of ingredients: salt 70, water 30. Voldemort realized that he had been duped. Then, being the idiot he was, he decided to bandage himself.

5) Call him Voldie.

Voldemort soon realized it was a bad idea to pull on those bandages. For one, they were waterproof, fireproof, spellproof, and just about everything else proof. Second, they wouldn’t come off.

“Like the ninja bandages?” a slightly dulcet voice said. “Got those off my last victim, too. Specially reinforced to be just about anything proof, hold up against breakage, and stick using your magic.”

“So you mean they aren’t coming off??!!!” Voldemort shrieked.

“Not unless you die, lose your magic, or manage to control it so you force your magic out, no,” the Mary Sue said. “Voldie,” she added wickedly.

“Don’t call me that!” he shrieked.

“What, Voldie? I’ve been calling you that,” the Mary Sue said dryly.

“Well, don’t!”

“Too bad, ‘cause you’re now Voldie!”

“Call me anything but ‘Voldie’!” Voldie screamed.

“Sure!” Voldemort got a feeling of impending doom, and the Sneakoscopes in his head exploded from the feeling of danger.

6) Call him Voldie-poo.

“Voldie-poo!” the Mary Sue cried as Voldemort was in the middle of another Death Eater meeting. None of the ideas, even the ‘ignore her and hope for the better’ one, had worked. Killing Potter was not second priority; getting rid of this high-powered nuisance was first.

Several Death Eaters snickered at the nickname; Voldemort promptly Crucioed them, causing the rest of them to shut up.

“Don’t call me that!”

“You said I could call you anything that wasn’t ‘Voldie’!” the Mary Sue complained. “I held up my end of the bargain!”

“Well, ‘Voldie-poo’ has ‘Voldie’ in it and makes it sound like you’re my mother!” Voldemort cried.

“Well, anything’s better than ‘Voldemort’! Who on earth names himself ‘Flight from Death’? In Latin?”

There was complete and utter silence.

“Other than you, weirdo,” the Mary Sue said, flapping a hand at him. “But I will refrain from calling you ‘Voldie-poo’ anymore.”

Voldemort realized that whatever was coming next and began to prepare himself for it. The poor fool. You can’t prepare against someone like Tensa-chan.

That’s done! Next chapter: Tom gets more name calling, and finally learns how to take those blasted ninja bandages off!