Truths that She Learned

Afterbirth

Disclaimer: I don't own a soul

I stare at the ceiling, trying to figure out what to say. Joanne sits next to me, our baby lovingly cradled in her arms. I am sore. I am tired. I want to sleep and yet, I'm too in awe over our miracle.

"Oh, Baby." Joanne gently cradles Angel tighter. "You did great." Suddenly, the stress of the day just vanishes. "I can't believe she's here."

I nod.

"Can I hold her for a while? Maybe try to feed her?" Our midwife had encouraged me to try feeding her as soon as I felt able to. Apparently, an early start was somewhat key to guaranteeing success in breastfeeding. "Before your parents come in?"

Joanne slowly moves towards me, placing the bundled baby in my arms. Gently, I ease the blanket off of her. Angel slowly opens her eyes and stares back at me. Everything I've read says babies are born with unfocused vision and yet, I get the feeling she recognizes me.

"Do you want some help?" Joanne's eyes dart towards the door. "I can get a nurse if you want."

"You leave-people will swarm." I sigh. "We can do this." Shakily, I untie the string holding my gown up. "Women have been doing this for centuries without help. I think I can manage to feed a baby." As my gown lowers, I suddenly freeze. What if I can't do this?

Joanne doesn't wait for me to speak. She silently leaves. I know she's getting help. Maybe it's not so awful to admit you need it.

"You're going to eat soon, Precious." I coo. She stares at me. "You're much tinier than I imagined you would be." Her birth weight's barely seven pounds. "Babies in my family are big. You're very delicate."

"Here I am." Hillary walks in. "I see you want to try feeding this little one." She takes the baby from me. "Hold your arm like this." She demonstrates a hold, using Angel.

I nod, copying her. As she eases Angel back in my arms, she gives me simple directions. Somehow, I can't comprehend what she's saying but I know what to do.

Three tries later, she's latched on and calmly nursing. I glance down, amazed. How am I managing to feed this baby? Will all of motherhood come this naturally?

The door opens slowly. I jump, startled. Remembering the baby, I glance down, hoping I haven't interrupted her feeding TOO much. She doesn't move, just intent on eating.

"Sorry, Chica. Just me." Mimi sits. "That's so sweet." She smiles. "Well. I told them."

"How'd they react?" Joanne glances up from me. "Are my parents upset? Do I need to go calm them?"

"I told them that Maureen wanted to see them but she also wanted time to rest and get cleaned up. They didn't mind too much." She reaches over and lightly strokes my arm. "How are you feeling, Mama?"

"Sore. Tired. Happy though. Very happy." I glance over. "Thank you, Pookie. I know I got a little crazy there."

She laughs. "I understand. That couldn't have been easy."

I yawn just as the baby stops nursing. Hillary takes her from me while Joanne helps me raise and tie my gown. As I lay back, Hillary sets her back in my arms.

"I feel like I never want to let her go." The words seem heavy on my tongue and yet they've never been more true. "She's here."

"Yes. She is." Joanne laughs. "Our Angel." She lightly runs her finger over Angel's arm. " I just wish Collins had gotten the chance to meet her." Her suddenly hollow eyes speak to something that had been missing on our happy day. The man's death had managed to leave a huge void for both us. "He gave us the hope to try."

"Bring them in." I dread having to pass her around but I know it will happen. It always happens. "They might as well meet her now."

Joanne disappears towards the waiting room. Mimi looks up at me expectantly. What does she want?

"Would you like to hold her?" It's the only thing I can think of that she might want. Gently, I ease her into Mimi's arms. "You're an old pro at this." This causes her to laugh.

"I've had some great practice."