Warning: This is meant for your enjoyment and not to be taken seriously. The tips given can help your way of writing to an extent but does not limit ideas for what can possibly be in the world of Xenosaga because fanfictions are all about imagination and breaking boundaries. Egotisticism is very blatantly obvious here so do not be fooled and offended by it.

Disclaimer: I do not own Xenosaga. It belongs to its respected owners.

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Based on the audience’s intake on this Guide, I have decided to up the content and delve deeper into the Xenosaga heart and find out how to inspire the fingers with fiery passion! Watch out, because it’s going to get you!

Those pairings that people just don’t get…like me. Not that I have anything against them…it’s just hard to believe…like Santa is actually thin to slide through roofs when delivering presents.

1. Jr.XAlbedo- I honestly don’t see how you can put them together…they’re brothers! They are not lovers! Maybe if they were from the South…practically any type of marriage is legal…except for gays. Oh wait, they’re both guys!

Advice: The only setting available is before the Miltian Conflict only…unless you make Jr. a poet.

2. CanaanXchaos- A program in love with a person? Ewwww….cyber sex.

Advice: It must end with Canaan getting a virus.

3. Jr.XShion- Someone, just rip my eyes out. I don’t even want to know what is even going on with this pairing…

Advice: Don’t even do this pairing.

4. chaosXMary Godwin- Maybe if Mary’s last name was Magdalene…maybe. Personality change is in order!

Advice: Have KOS-MOS take over Mary’s body.

5. ShionXGaignun- Stated in 1st chapter, Tip number 6: Gaignun equals pimp.

Advice: None. Has already been stated.

6. ZiggyXMOMO- This just screams rape.

Advice: MOMO is a president and Ziggy is a bodyguard only. There is no relationship going on.

7. AllenXShelley- Allen will get raped by Shelley fans so easily…he’s such a wuss. Even if he do a somewhat macho thing at the end…but why do you think they would give him range weapons?

Advice: Barricade your house.

8. WilhelmXchaos- Divine male beings cannot have relationships with the other. It was established at the very beginning of time that man and woman were put together. It’s written law.

Advice: Wear rubber suits.

9. ZiggyXKOS-MOS- I doubt this will go anywhere. They both rarely talk…so conversations are at best maybe, “Hello,” “How do you do,” “Let’s go blast some Gnosis.”

Advice: Shortest story ever written on fanfiction…

10. ShionXchaos- Dude, chaos is divine! He can only be with other divine female beings…oh wait, Mary Magdalene/KOS-MOS fits the part! Hire her! Who needs the P.M.S. bitch from hell!

Advice: Give Shion some meds.

11. CanaanXDoctus- Maybe…Doctus is a Realian who hates other Realians…and Canaan is a program/Realian…I think Doctus can really push his buttons!

Advice: Do what you want. I am mutual towards this pairing.

12. SakuraXAlbedo- As established, Sakura is dead…Albedo is stuck inside Jr…so they can’t get together…yeah yeah yeah…or no no no in their case.

Advice: Get some parents and buy a trap.

13. NigredoXRubedo- Nigredo would probably kill Rubedo first before even engaging in a relationship with him. Missions are always first to an assassin!

Advice: Duck and cover.

14. MatthewsXchaos- If beer was involved…

Advice: Mucho beer…

15. Jr.Xchaos- That’s like putting Christ together with the Devil…it’d be the end of the universe as we know it.

Advice: Read the Bible.

16. Any Xenosaga characterXOC-You can do this…as long as you keep the Xenosaga in character and their lover is dead…somehow. Plus the OC must match the personality of the Xenosaga character they are in love with quite well.

Advice: Good storyline always evens things out.

17. KevinXAllen- What, is Kevin going to make Allen a female fish for his obsession of fishing?

Advice: Send them to Gayland.

18. WilhelmXU-DOXMargulis- WTF?! That’s all I have to say…

Advice: Forget you ever saw this.

19. HelmerXU-DO- U-DO is divine…Helmer is black. It just screams insanity.

Advice: Play “Sexy Back” by Justin Timberlake.

20. RubedoXCanaan- If you mix orange and red, what do you get? Something outrageous! That’s what this is.

Advice: Sue Crayola for making the color of red-orange.

21. ZiggyXShion- Corporation problems…Ziggurat Industries vs. Vector Industries. Vector would just shut down Ziggurat Industries permanently causing Ziggy to go kill himself again.

Advice: Find a way to put Ziggurat Industries back on the charts.

Alright, I’m pretty sure I got the majority of the odd pairings that have been branded with neon lights in Xenosaga…so how about we continue some more on some tips now that MOST pairings have been conquered by me…behold my boot!

Golden Rule: Do what this Guide tells me to do as it would do for me…even if it’s an inanimate object.

Note: Alternate Universes transcend this rule.

Double Note: That means I am safe from my own rules. I did not break them. So flamers, you have been burned.

More Tips!

1. Jr. has bad luck with women because he has lived with 660-ish clones of guys and the only other girl that we have seen, Citrine, is very…manly and a bitch.

2. The U.M.N is in no way related to the Lifestream in Final Fantasy 7 no matter what you say. Do you see the Final Fantasy crew traveling through the Lifestream at light speeds towards their destination? Nuh uh.

3. Joachim Mizrahi knows only to speak in Revelations. Example: “Sup, Joachim?” “May divine punishment smite thee to hell for your past transgressions of saying sup to me, you cretin!”

4. Jin is a hobo.

5. All the ships are actually large animals. The Elsa is a swan, the Dammerung is a porcupine, and the Durandal is a giant worm with wings.

6. Gnosis reek of B.O. That’s why they look like they do.

7. The Realm of Imaginary Numbers exists. It’s located under your bed.

8. Ariadne did not disappear. It is merely playing hide and seek with the other planets.

9. Alby is actually in reality a superhero of phenomenal powers.

10. You absolutely cannot rape MOMO.

11. The 100-series and Kirschwassers are all one big happy family…consciousness.

12. Space is a woman. Note Xenosaga II for the “Abyss.”

13. The Testaments only come in four colors. They are not candy nor are they based off of other teams of four…Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for example…or Teletubbies.

14. Jin is the only member of the Xenosaga crew that is human. Shion is a demon from hell.

15. Miyuki can make anything.

Clichés

1. Religious allusions…we’ve seen enough of them! We have to deal with it every week…well, I do at least because I am a good Christian. I’m not dissing religion; I’m just saying that it’s an overused theme.

2. MOMO’s outfit for Xenosaga I. This isn’t Cardcaptor Sakura! This is UNIVERSE RANGERS! GET SOME HELMETS AND RAINBOW COLORS!

3. Guy wants girl. Girl doesn’t like him. Guy is super wimp and has no balls. In the end, guy gets girl after going through hell. Need I say more? I don’t need to refer to names because you all should know what I’m talking about if you have played Xenosaga.

4. Bald officials…notably Helmer. We want cool-looking representatives…not old guys who talk about waves of consciousness or whatever.

5. Horsemen of the Apolycalypse…namely Rubedo (War), Nigredo (Famine), Albedo (Pestilence), and Citrine (Death). (Remember Citrine is actually a man.) Who cares? I don’t see them blowing up the universe.

6. Children. They seem to be everywhere these days…but they’re easily replaced! It’s the grownups we need to save not the children!

7. “Doing it.” This can be defined in many ways, but the most effective way would be the Durandal docking with the Kukai Foundation in the first Xenosaga. For everyone who has not been introduced to the “birds and the bees,” here is your lesson!

8. Clones. This seems to be a real big issue. Would you like it if you watched yourself kill yourself? We are all unique individuals!