“I did love you, and I love you still… Only I didn’t realise it was love, because it was more than love. And it wasn’t just some stupid feeling in my stomach… I’ll never love anybody as much as you.”

(Empire Records)

-------

It hadn’t been long since she had taken the habit of walking around the block after dinner. Casually as it had started, three weeks before, she now considered it a good, healthy ritual, especially after those days when the long hours of work seemed to defeat all her energies, and all she was left with after the sunset was a deep melancholy and a gripping lonesome feeling inside.

It hadn’t always been like that, and she really couldn’t explain to herself how someone like her, who had always been seen as the strongest and most independent woman in the world, would sometimes be so carried away by her own emotions.

It hadn’t always been like that. She had never had those moments of weakness before.

Before what, though, she didn’t exactly know.

She rose her eyes to the shore and the view of the purple shaded sky melting with the ocean on the horizon distracted her for a moment, although subtly emphasising her rather blue mood.

She backed onto a palm, arms enveloped around herself, and closed her eyes for a moment, savouring the soothing sound of the waves rolling onto the shore and dying in the sand.

A light saline scent was in the air. One of the best things of living in Miami was that, whenever you’d need a deserted refuge to run to, you’d always find your own safe corner, away from everything and everyone. That place was Calleigh’s little heaven on earth.

A young couple passed by, holding hands. To Calleigh’s eyes, they were the living portrait of happiness, something she had never felt more afar from.

Why had she been feeling so empty, lately? Why couldn’t she seem to stop thinking about how her life was so different than what she had dreamed as a young girl?

There was a crack in her heart, and it was particularly sore in this moment. She couldn’t recall when it had happened, but she had an idea of when it had really started bleeding. Despite she didn’t like to think of that, she had to face the real reason for her numbness if she wanted to go through it.

She was somewhat afraid to even let it out from the dark part of her mind where she had safely locked it, because it was a new feeling to her, and she knew very well that dealing with the unkown was a risk. A risk she surely couldn’t take.

Had it been a common problem, she wouldn’t have hesitated a second and sort it out before it would get too big, but what she had to do with now was way more complicated, and that was because her problem, this time, was a living person she practically spent half of her time with.

Namely, a person who went by the name of Ryan Wolfe.

She brushed the thought off herself and started walking again, not caring at all about where she was going. All she wanted was to stop thinking, even though she would always obtain the opposite effect.

The positive thing, on the other hand, was that it helped her clear her mind.

There were moments she really wished to have a real talk with Ryan, and tell him about everything, just to see if she was just building castles in the air, or if perhaps the nice state of serenity she would fall into when in his company was something he felt too. More than once she had had the impression they had been about to walk a step further the borderline they were supposed to be walking within, but there had always been something to keep them, so far, and she couldn’t help wondering what it was.

She was aware it was partly due to her constant and discordant rollercoaster of feelings, swinging between the desire and need to find a stable point of reference in her life, to feel loved, and the fear of losing. After all, her friendship with Ryan was something she treasured, and any false step could easily compromise it.

She absentmindedly stepped aside to let a bike dart past her, but in the very moment someone ran into her, nearly making her fall to the ground. A pair of strong hands caught her just in time.

“Gosh, I’m so-”

The voice died before ending the sentence. A manly voice she happened to find very familiar.

“Calleigh?”

She blinked, hiding her momentarily astonishment behind an awkward smile.

“Ryan.” She stuttered, finding her balance again. She quickly checked him and noticed he was in a short running suit. “How weird to find you here…”

Ryan smiled broadly, and Calleigh felt that well known warm feeling rising in her, blushing her cheeks.

“Not so weird, since I go jogging around here every day.” He said, wiping a drop of sweat off his forehead.

Despite her plans not to think about him at least while away from the lab were going up in smoke right under her nose, Calleigh found herself beaming at his friendly tone.

“Are you serious?” she exclaimed in surprise. “I’m here every day at this time and I’d never seen you before.”

Ryan took a couple of deep breaths, still panting because of the run, before answering.

“You mean you walk here every day?”

She didn’t know why he sounded so shocked. She smiled confusedly and shrugged.

“What’s so strange in this?”

Ryan furrowed his brows in disbelief, hands on his hips.

“Cal, you’re about ten blocks away from your house.”

“I’m… What?” She looked around and, in fact, she realised she was pretty far from home, and it was getting rather dark. “Oh.”

He let out a gentle laugh, jiggling his head amusedly.

“I wouldn’t have expected anything less from you.” He quipped brightly.

Her clumsy response was playful punch in his chest. Apparently she was destined not to manage to keep her mind Ryan-free.

After a short pause of silence, he cleared his throat and looked up at the sky, pursing his lips.

“The weather seems to be getting quite bad… I should take you home before it starts raining.”

Calleigh scowled questioningly, tilting her head.

“I’m sorry?”

“I know you can defend yourself.” Precised Ryan, probably sensing her indignation. “I’d just feel better if I saw you cross your doorstep with my own eyes.”

He grinned kindly and winked at her. She hardly ever blushed, but for the second time in less than two minutes her face turned lightly red.

“So you want to escort me home?” she folded her arms, lifting a brow, and addressed him a piercing look. Ryan simply nodded.

“Yep.”

“You want to escort me home.”

“Yes, Calleigh, I do.” He said with a half laugh. “So what?”

His looks was so genuinely sweet that she really couldn’t help a big grin, and if she had been reluctant until one second before, she was now completely giving in to the temptation to have a walk with him till home.

“So…” she purposely left the sentence hanging in the hair for an instant, toying with his well masked impatience. “What are we waiting for?”

With a hint of her head in his direction, she started walking. Ryan impassively followed her, casting her furtive glances every now and then.

She didn’t know how long they walked in silence, but it was nice. His presence on her side seemed to send some kind of vibration through her body, like an electric pulse in her veins. Rationally, the situation itself didn’t making any sense: the cause-effect process which had led them there wasn’t very clear. They had met and after not even five minutes they were already walking together towards her house. It was funny, and ever odd, indeed, but it wasn’t like it really mattered.

After a while, she finally turned to look at him, catching him staring at her. He didn’t look embarrassed at all. To the contrary, the smile he gave her made her forget of all the worries she had about ruining their friendship.

Now that she thought about it, she didn’t truly need to feel loved, because it was a sensation she already knew. It was exactly how she felt when she was with him.

She arched her eyebrows.

“Well?”

Ryan played numb, but in a cute and obvious fake way that made her giggle.

“Well what?”

“You were looking at me.” She observed, going back to look straight in front of her, facing the lights-scattered darkening view of a typical early Miami night. He shrugged nonchalantly.

“Don’t you look at the things you like?”

In spite of his causal tone, Calleigh’s body was crossed by a chill, while her face turned a bright shade of pink. Was it meant to sound the way it had to her ears?

“Sorry.” He said hurriedly, sliding his hand into the pockets of his shorts.

She should say something, but all of a sudden her brain had turned off, and in her head everything was blank.

He could easily confuse her and catch her off guard, and he would always do that in her most vulnerable moments. In her current emotional state, Calleigh really wished she was brave enough to let her lips speak those works that had been lingering on them for a little too long, but she wasn’t as strong as people thought, not when it came to making such type of decisions.

“I didn’t know you were a runner.” She began, trying to fill in the uneasy silence she had caused.

Ryan smirked, distractedly kicking a coke can away.

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me.” He said. “But it’s okay, we’re not supposed to be all-knowing, are we?”

“I guess so.” She agreed.

“Besides” he added. “We wouldn’t have anything to talk about if we already knew everything about each other, would we?”

She sent him a faint smile.

“Sometimes I just wish I knew enough...” She admitted shyly, glancing down at the ground.

“What do you mean?”

Calleigh bit her bottom lip, sighing. She probably had said too much.

“I just…” She crossed her arms over her chest, shrugging, unsure about what to tell him. “Nothing.”

He observed her for a while, and she noticed their pace had slowed down.

“Listen, Cal, I-”

“This is my block.” She noted, pointing her finger at the line of houses in front of them. “And that over there is my condo.”

Ryan licked his lips, but didn’t speak. She had the impression she cut him off one second before he would say something important, and maybe it was better that way. And thought it might have been just her imagination, he looked a little disappointed.

He followed her in silence to the building, walking a couple of steps behind her.

Calleigh stopped a few metres away from the glass door of the entrance and there she stood, staring at herself for a long while. Ryan was right behind her, wearing a confused expression.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

Calleigh kept staring still, as though she hadn’t heard a word. In the reflection before her eyes, she and Ryan were so close that it looked like they were holding hands, or at least that was what her sight perceived.

After a minute, a pale smile curved her lips.

“I’m looking at something I like.” She said feebly, almost inexpressively, conscious he couldn’t understand what she meant. What she was looking at was an image she had long dreamed of, and though it was not as real as the illusion showed, it was still more concrete than her dream, and far more sweetly heartbreaking.

It was there, but it wasn’t, an enchantment the lightest movement could break.

Still not moving, she watched Ryan walk a step forward, going beside her, and felt his hand close around hers. She looked at him in the glass, unable to move.

“What are you doing?” she questioned.

He stroked the back of her hand with his thumb and timidly curled his lips.

“I’m making it real.”

Her eyes widened as his words flooded through her, her attention fixed on the doors reflecting them.

The magic of the moment was broken by Ryan’s sudden laugh. He let go of her hand and headed to the entrance, supposedly oblivious to the mild shock he had just caused her.

“C’mon!” he exclaimed, turning back to her, holding the door open. “I said I would walk you to your doorstep, and I’m intentioned to keep my word.”

Calleigh awoke from her brief trance and quickly entered the hall, reprimanding herself for her excessive reaction. He had done nothing particularly significant, but she hadn’t missed the jump her heart had done into her chest when he had come into contact with her.

She felt dizzy while walking up the stairs, a growing exhaustion wearing off her last few energies, so that all she was left with by the time she reached her floor was a sheer sense of loneliness.

She lingered in front of her door after having turned the key into the hole, her hand placed on the handle but refusing to move.

She dropped her head, inhaling deeply. Why couldn’t she just get in and let him go?

“Hey, is everything okay?” he asked tentatively, laying his hand on her shoulder. The gesture made her overreact. She abruptly stood straight, brushing a lock of hair away from her face.

“Yes.” She reassured him emphatically. “Yes, I just-”

The words died on her mouth as she found herself facing his concerned expression more closely than she had expected. She had felt too good with him in the past few minutes to just watch him leave.

“Do you… Do you want a coffee?” she asked, finally opening the door.

For a moment Ryan seemed seriously tempted by the offer, but it took him the fraction of a second to smile politely and shake his head.

“I’m all sweaty and even vaguely smelly.” He said, snickering muffledly. “Besides I should really go, before it starts raining.”

“Please.” She literally begged. “I was feeling so lonely an hour ago, and then you appeared and made everything okay again so easily that I… Please, just…” she grabbed his hand, squeezing it. “Stay.”

Ryan’s look set on their joined hands and his face became serious. He sighed, massaging his forehead in evident discomfort.

“I don’t think it’d be a good idea.” He dared lifting the look to her, pursing his lips thoughtfully. “I shouldn’t even be here…”

But Calleigh’s eyes wouldn’t cease pleading him.

“I’ll give you a ride back.”

He looked elsewhere, evidently seeking for something to say. To her surprise, though, when he looked back at her he was smiling.

“Why can’t I just say no to you?”

TBC...